Only Fools and Horses but it’s post-apocalypse

[Huxleys Babkins]

"No Rodney, I'll buy the sandwiches, 'cause you bought the Ford Falcon XB GT."

[Ferris]

We will split this final tin of spam down the middle; 60-40.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

"When's this eclipse meant to happen then, Dave?"

"No Trig, it's the apoc... Nevermind"

*riotous laughter from the studio audience*

[Ferris]

Buster Merryfield falls down the stairs at the British Tragedy Awards.

[Rizla]

A confused, half-remembered depiction of the Jolly Boy's Outing is performed by travelling punch and judy men as a form of government during Peckham's 2nd iron age.

[Ferris]

I know this isn't the right thread, but the codgers in only fools are impressively bonkers.

Buster Merryfield "refused to divulge his real name to anyone during his lifetime" and Lennard Pearce shook hands with Hitler (though "regretted not killing him").

[non capisco]

DEL BOY: What are you moaning about now, you dozy old twonk?

GRANDAD: He brought me back a mouthful of dirty rainwater cupped in his scorched and blistering palms, Del Boy! I wanted an Emperor Burger!

[frajer]

But here's the one that's driving me beserk
Why's there an exhaust pipe in my neckkkk?

[Rizla]

No income tax, no VAT,
No future for humanity

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Cassandra's miscarriage, but its born with only one eye and three legs.

[Rizla]

Delboy falls through the bartertown

[Glebe]

RODDY: Derek, the radiation has caused me to evolve a weird mutant tongue.

[kalowski]

Mickey Pearce is an albino with hairless milk white skin and pink heavy lidded eyes.

[Glebe]

Mickey Pearce is an albino with hairless milk white skin and pink heavy lidded eyes.

Another nasty Del line that cut from A Royal Flush!

[Fambo Number Mive]

Micky Pierce becomes a Smegma Crazy and Lord Humongous gives him Wednesday afternoons off for band practice with Rodney.

[idunnosomename]

Del  bot: its post apocalypse dave!

Rodbot: you plonker derek!!!!

[Fambo Number Mive]

The Trotters visit the Fawlty Towers fallout shelter. Basil is not happy as he knows about Del's reputation, even though money as a concept vanished in the nuclear blast. Sybil tells the story of Uncle Ted and the crate of brown ale for the 94th time to keep up morale while Basil, Manuel, Rodney and Del furiously masturbate in a corner to see which one has the best seed for the repopulation of the human race.  Outside the Major has grown an extra head and is devouring other survivors while making racist remarks.

[Quote]

Marlene! That mutated twelve-legged dog is in my aquarium again!

[frajer]

Del Boy finds a multi-million pound antique timepiece in his lock-up and is dismayed to find it's now worth half a cooked rat.

[dontpaintyourteeth]

Twelve Monkey Harrises

[Ferris]

Del Boy finds a multi-million pound antique timepiece in his lock-up and is dismayed to find it's now worth half a cooked rat.

It's a functioning Casio F-87w, the only timepiece to survive The Event.

[Rolf Lundgren]

Mickey Pearce increases life expectancy to 45 by trading broken, lawnmower engines for a vial of Hydrozone.

[Rolf Lundgren]

UNCLE ALBERT: Well it's them jars. How am I supposed to tell the difference?

DELBOY : I tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, Maxwell House Coffee. On this it says T99 Rocket Launcher Ammunition. It's a bit of a give away.

[Glebe]

JUDGE: What is the verdict in the Albert vs the Brewery case?

LEAD JUROR: I'm afraid there is no verdict as the jury were all killed by nuclear radiation.

Oh once happy bauble, twisting on the bliss-twig of ignorami...

[kalowski]

Grandad drops a chandelier on a replicant.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Del, my balls just fell off. I'm scared.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

God bless Nukey Street
Viva Nukey Street
Long live Nukey Street
C'est magnifique,
Nukey Street
Magnifique
Nukey Street

[Huxleys Babkins]

That bit out of Robocop where they hit the mutant, except it's the three wheeled van, not a police car.

[kalowski]

Soylent Green is Peckham Spring Water.

[Glebe]

GRANDAD: They promised us homes fit for heroes. Instead we got radiation-created hero mutants fit for Charles Xavier's Home for Gifted Mutants.