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Things your dad is doing.

Started by Glebe, May 05, 2021, 07:40:29 AM

Previous topic - Next topic


Instead of loads of threads, a catch-all thread for things your dad is doing.

Your dad keeps saying, "Right, we'd better be off!" We're having a lovely time then he says that. Things are just getting into the swing of things when he says that. He acts like there's something important to do but he just wants to go home and play with his train set in the garage.


Skulking in the shadow of the beech tree while all your mum's mates and their partners gather round the BBQ in their Birkenstocks clogs and wacky sombreros drinking pimms and peroni and laughing at your dad, his penis still throbbing from the charcoal burns. Wasn't a good look for your mum's middle class pals. He looks abashed, but he's seething.

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Didn't even know they did drinkable pepperoni


Your dad keeps folding his arms and going, "Anyway, enough chat, we'd better be off." He has the car keys in his hand and he keeps fidgeting. He's reached for the door latch twice.

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He's like this with a glass of tizer:

"Tell you what, this refreshing drink of Tizer sure does kick up a smashing taste!!"

Butchers Blind

Your dad buying his straight leg, blue denim jeans from ASDA.


He's taken a sickie to play Lord of the Rings Tactics on the PSP all day again. He'd better be back to work tomorrow!

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Your dad has picked up that people these days are routinely talking about their "core". 

So he's like this:

"Ahh yeah so doing a lot on my core at the moment, yeah."  He's stretching out like he's so chilled out and nothing could be a more routine conversation for him.  "Yawn yeah, so my core is getting stronger for sure."

Gradually through additional details you realise that he thinks his "core" is a physical line running from the crown of his head to his anus.


He's going hardcore vegan to "fit in", first step is only eating skinless sausages.


Your dad keeps all his coin change in a coffee jar and once a month he takes it to the bank saying "That's free money, that is, I'd have just spent that if not for my trusty jar."

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"The lower end of my core is a little raw at the moment after a particularly rigorous wiping session."

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"Surprising how a simple mug of coffee serves to flush your core through, isn't it."

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Your dad is suddenly chuckling to himself.  "Napoleon Boner-part, like part of a boner which means erection."  Then he shuts his eyes again and snuggles his mass firmly back into the deckchair.

He's going to repeat that one to his mates in the pub at the weekend.

Gregory Torso

Your dad is the Beatles. The Beatles are John (your dad), Paul (your dad), George (your dad) and Ringo (your dad). All Beatles songs are credited (your dad ASCAP). Your dad went on the Ed Sullivan show and took off his shorts. Your dad toppled the USSR.

Your dad is also Alan Partridge, Andy Partridge, all of the Doctors Who and their respective anime girlfriends. Your dad is the MCU and all of the encompassing tiny blazing CGI komputermensch buzzing around collapsing rendered city scenes saving the USA with patriotic swollen arm energy.

Your dad has a spice rack.

Gregory Torso

Your dad and your uncle Dave started a band called Chasm And Dave. Your dad is the chasm, Dave is the Dave, and you are their roadie.

Gregory Torso

Your dad partied with the Battersby Girls at the Spahn Ranch. Your dad was there at the book depository in Liverpool in 1983 where he shot Jimmy Corkhill with an air rifle. Your dad was in the garden of Gethsemane listening to The Best Of Wings on his Sony Discman.

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Your dad pressed his actual face to make his passport photo


Your dad has started furiously saluting everything.

Gregory Torso

Your dad is a screaming mountain of anger. Your dad dreams in strobelit carcrashes. Your dad grieves daily for his working man's dick. Your dad is a running joke. Your dad is beating a dead horse. Your dad is running up that hill, through the stony pittance of his imagination and down the barren slopes of his refusal to change.

Gregory Torso

Your dad isn't just going to sit at home and not watch Rihanna's make-up tutorials on Vimeo, you know. He is your dad, after all.

Your dad brays like a coyote. Your dad has a GNVQ in stilt-walking. Your dad has a face like a bingo score card. Thy feyther hath twin boobs like an ladye.

A true man he was. Loved his family. Immensely loyal. Stronger than anyone can ever understand.

Gregory Torso

Your dad YOUR DAD your fad DAD fat DAD sad bastard DAD DAD lol

Yourrrrr dad's had your mum

Your dad told you he was waiting to have sex until after you get married.

Your dad went on a "neighbourhood mind probe" in the bath after smoking salvia with your uncle.

Your dad's favourite cake porn video is "Two Icing Tarts Fart On Double Sponge"


Your dad is on Top of the Pops wearing leather trousers and singing a power-ballad about a goose.

Your dad has put a new poster on his wall of a 'sexpot vocalist'.

Your dad spent three hours on the phone to a vulgar premium-rate chat line and tried to reverse the charges.

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'sugar vulva' is your dad's new nickname for the corner tobacconist

Gregory Torso

Your dad is a sexual decathlon. Your dad is head, nose, mouth, balls, testicles, gas, gonorhhea, flatulence and shoulders above you in terms of personality.
When the image of your dad passes through your mum's eye it instantly converts into feelings of intense anger.

Your dad is dtf. Your dad is wild, wild country flava. Your dad is swimming pool foot bath cool. Your dad is the Mcafee anti-virus. Your dad goes out shagging with taxi drivers. Your dad drinks warm coca-cola from the can and then follows through.


Your dad is meeting Clarence Boddiker at the factory this afternoon.


Your dad says "The Owl Service shits on anything on The Netsflicks."


Your dad has opened up a meat market under his leg.

Your dad has invested all his money in Vim.

Your dad claims the Great Pyramid of Giza was built by "a nonce".

Your dad claims that an itchy back is a sign of greatness.

Your dad has gone back to 1992 because he left one of his Hush Puppies there.

Your dad is hissing because he can't STAND Bulgarians.

Your dad is walking around like a crab because he is mentally unwell.

Your dad's odour has been rated "entirely melodious" by the Greater London Council.

Your dad can fit in a straw.

Your dad makes a bacon sandwich.

Your dad is recognised by his literary agent as one of the most viscous fluids they've ever worked with.

Your dad is filled with blent air.

Your dad has gone through the spectrum of the rainbow into the realm of pure elemental energy and do you know what he's doing? He's making a bloody fool of himself. A bloody fool.

Your dad is lobbying the first continental congress to bury his hedge.

My Dad is marinating a jellybaby for later. I can't wait. He is going to whistle when it's ready.

Your dad thinks hamburgers are a suitable meat for a stir fry.