You are running short on toilet paper. Buy some today.

[idunnosomename]

shitting is a luxury, just keep it in till boxing day

[machotrouts]

I actually need to buy TP on the way home as I'm down to my last roll.  Gonna look like one these mad cunts now when I get to the supermarket.

I'm low on hand sanitiser but I'm reluctant to buy more because I'm afraid of looking like a coronavirus cunt. And to be honest I've wanted one of those face masks for years. Whenever I saw them on Chinese tourists I always thought, good thinking mate. But like fuck am I going to buy one now. I'm not pathetic neurotic sheeple. Just gonna die instead

[Norton Canes]

We always buy our toilet paper in packs of 18, and always get two packs at a time. Next time we do I'm thinking of printing off a sign to attach to each pack saying "WE ALWAYS BUY THIS MUCH - WE ARE NOT STOCKPILING"

[Bazooka]

I saw a bloke with, no joke, over 200 rolls of anus wipes in his trolley today at work. At least we know who to vagabond first when it all goes Mad Max and we're riding sailboats of ice over desert sands. You know, provided we're not all dead of dirty arses.

On the dusty A47 as you stare into the eyes of the Andrex  puppy whilst being raped and lynched by a biker gang for your last roll of bog paper and bow tie pasta, they don't even steal your petrol.

[Icehaven]

My Mum just text me to tell me one of my cousins (her niece. A fully functioning adult in her 50s.) has turned up on her doorstep with 18 rolls of toilet roll for her, having heard that that's apparently what we as a nation do now and my Mum being elderly and all. I apologise on behalf of my family, and I will be trying to find out if my cousin was, in any way whatsoever, fucking kidding.

[Butchers Blind]

Bought a six roll pack, not planning on doing any massive shitting over the next week or so.  Also I can save on TP by doing my dumping at work.

[pancreas]

I was thinking of picking up a couple of packs of A4 from the printer room. That'd do in a pinch.

[Bently Sheds]

Got a 12 pack from Sainsbo's. It was either that, 24pk Charmin from the half pallet in the entrance, or 3 ply Aloe Vera (the Toilet Clogger). Given that it was part of the weekly shop I didn't appreciate the checkout woman commenting "Panic buying?" as she slid it over the scanner.

[Replies From View]

I was thinking of picking up a couple of packs of A4 from the printer room. That'd do in a pinch.

With a pinch as well, I suspect.

[Replies From View]

Got a 12 pack from Sainsbo's. It was either that, 24pk Charmin from the half pallet in the entrance, or 3 ply Aloe Vera (the Toilet Clogger). Given that it was part of the weekly shop I didn't appreciate the checkout woman commenting "Panic buying?" as she slid it over the scanner.

At this moment, if you'd stood on your tiptoes and peered over her conveyor belt, you'd have noticed she was sitting on a toilet.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

We always buy our toilet paper in packs of 18, and always get two packs at a time. Next time we do I'm thinking of printing off a sign to attach to each pack saying "WE ALWAYS BUY THIS MUCH - WE ARE NOT STOCKPILING"

It would make a change from THESE ARE FOR MY BIG SHITS

[Inspector Norse]

There's not been any panic buying over here. If I go and buy a carful of bog roll, I wonder how much I could get for it on eBay?

[Dewt]

It's just fucking weird.

If you end up locked down in your house because if you go outside you might die, why is toilet paper the main thing you panic buy? If the world starts falling apart I am absolutely going to be able to improvise with other ways of wiping my arse, such as washing it or using other kinds of paper or using a big stick.

Revising this slightly as I just remembered that women exist.

[Ferris]

I keep seeing this referenced here and laughing at you foolish Britishers and your voracious appetite for bog roll.

...flash forward to today, and the bog roll aisle at my grocery store is empty. Nothing remains.

Not so funny now. I'll have to buy a bidet on the Dark Web.

[Glebe]

My local Lidl usually has a couple of palette loads of bog roll but there was not a single packet left when I popped in last night.

[Cerys]

I actually need to buy TP on the way home as I'm down to my last roll.  Gonna look like one these mad cunts now when I get to the supermarket.

Just buy some Immodium at the same time.  Then you'll just look like some poor sod who's in danger of shitting themselves before they even get out of the building.  Maintain the ruse by not breaking eye contact with the checkout operator as you silently conclude your transaction.  They will respect and envy you for it.

[Dex Sawash]

Someone has stolen the air freshener/disinfectant spray from tour toilet in the customer area. Office manager has never been angrier. She moved the pump bottle of hand soap to her office to protect it.

[holyzombiejesus]

Stockpiling Metros.

[Head Gardener]

[Small Man Big Horse]

My local Lidl usually has a couple of palette loads of bog roll but there was not a single packet left when I popped in last night.

Likewise at mine, I'm going to have use kitchen roll at this rate and I'm not sure my arse will like that.

[Sebastian Cobb]

Bet them bum gun adaptor kits that were less than a tenner on ebay are slowly going up and all.

[weekender]

Likewise at mine, I'm going to have use kitchen roll at this rate and I'm not sure my arse will like that.

Oh, what will your arse like then?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T PRESS POST

[Sebastian Cobb]

Likewise at mine, I'm going to have use kitchen roll at this rate and I'm not sure my arse will like that.

It takes a much worse toll on the sewerage system than arses.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Oh, what will your arse like then?

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T PRESS POST

Andrex toilet paper. And your tongue.

[weekender]

Guess we need to agree on a price.

I'm down to 78 rolls of Andrex, but also have a functioning tongue.

I think I'm in control here, given that I also have a relatively healthy supply of Cup-A-Soup.

What are you offering ME?

[Glebe]

Likewise at mine, I'm going to have use kitchen roll at this rate and I'm not sure my arse will like that.

The kitchen roll will be next to go then we'll have to buy baking paper (until that runs out).

[weekender]

Thanks, that helps with my panic-buying.

Kitchen roll next I suppose, I'll do that tomorrow.

[Glebe]

Thanks, that helps with my panic-buying.

Kitchen roll next I suppose, I'll do that tomorrow.

Don't forget to buy all the surface wipes and Dettol too!

[idunnosomename]

wonder if i can make a few bob by offering to lick arseholes clean


i guess this is always the case actually

[Replies From View]

Toilet paper used up

Kitchen roll used up

Only the sandpaper left

I didn't know how much longer I can hold up without wiping

All the unwiped shits are stacking up

pushing the previous ones out a bit further, they're all just amassing, guys

You've seen those play dough squeezers right when you get a colour transition because the dough ran out

they put in a new bit of dough in yeah and it all still connects up

The newest shits are a fresher, lighter brown and the older ones are darker, blackening, amassing into a thick new crust for the earth I suspect

They all connect up oh god they all connect up

I am entombed within this ever expanding crust

Oh god will it really need to be the sandpaper

Must I really go for the sandpaper

Has it really come to this after all these years

All these years



- TS Eliot