Desolation III: The Arid Mind

[Glebe]

Ronald's caravan is now equipped with a VHS player.

[Stubborn Turd]

In a cold, dimly lit basement, a preteen girl lies in the foetal position on a mattress with broken springs. She holds herself tight but can't stop shivering. Her teary eyes are fixed on the pile of bones in the corner of the room - the skeletal remains of her three stillborns. Her new daddy insists they keep trying until they get it right.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Helena Bonham Carter's biggest fan calls her 'Helena Borham Carter' at their first and only ever meeting.

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

A South Korean "K-Pop" star loses all semblance of sanity after stumbling on a 4chan thread "dedicated" to her.

Marvin fastidiously licks crisp packets "clean". Uses them for wallpaper. Only another 800 or so before the shed is fully covered.

"What night is it?" thinks Rita to herself as she finishes the bottle of Shiraz. "Tuesday! Ahh s'fine innit...."

*THWACK*
*THWACK*
*THWACK*
He's not giving up until the cunt's teef are broke.

[Foggy Buntwhistle]

pizza ristorante

[Glebe]

A barley water-loving child is babysat by his aunt. Unaware of his preference, the poor tot spends the evening being Ribena'd into oblivion.

You go for 'a quick pint' with your dad. Eight hours later he's dancing on his own in some shitty nightclub, to James' 'Laid'.

[the midnight watch baboon]

A three-legged spider is told she will lose yet another 'spiddy limb' to diabetes.

[ASFTSN]

An emaciated goose lectures its companions.

A beachball is destroyed by the authorities after it causes a rape.

The outcome of a tribunal is delayed by shenanigans.

Exceptional.

[ASFTSN]

Some incunabula is soiled by a hastily consumed Rustlers.

[ASFTSN]

A Stormfront moderator is erroneously granted some time-off-in-lieu.

[ASFTSN]

Some carefully prepared evidence in a parking meter fine dispute becomes controvertible.

[MoonDust]

An eight month old baby wakes up crying in Leigh.

She's hungover.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

A vole is forced to smoke.

A plus-size dwarf misses the last ferry home.

An already-tragic woman is branded 'Rod Hull' by her peers.

[MoonDust]

An idiot has her Nigel Farage tattoo covered up with a Paul Nuttall tattoo.

The result looks like neither, and she forgets to vote in the Stoke by-election.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

For the twenty fifth awful year the Big Break theme tune remorselessly loops around inside Moira's hollow skull.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Leon's slanket is starting to smell strongly of sour spuds... and yet he's only turned it inside out three times thus far.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Women with their father's manual labour faces, made up to no discernible difference.

[Bazooka]

Michael St Pipedream and his new wife Julie Fishpond drive seven hours to go ice skating at the local rink called 'Cum Skate With Us' only to find the place had burnt down following Michael's previous visit in which he fell asleep smoking and skating in the center of the rink only three weeks before.

[pancreas]

In pursuit of her RDA of vegetables, a nutritionist ends up vomiting two heads of celery into a client's face.

[Vodka Margarine]

"Straight or crinkle cut?" chuckles the whisky breathed surgeon to little Ben before his circumcision.

[Cuntbeaks]

A distraught father fails to get to the bedside of his dying son in time after he fails to find a parking space in the rammed hospital car park.

After her fourth miscarriage the boss lets her bring the doll in,  he enjoys watching her breastfeed it.

In a blind rage,  a man stabs himself in the thigh while attempting to replace a toilet seat.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

'Be my Yoko Ono..' thinks fuck-ugly meatbeast Martin at the Japanese girl in the chip shop window.

An arseclown flings a cluster of humbugs at a duck.

No, I didn't see Game of bastard Thrones.

[the midnight watch baboon]

A toppling steeplejack regrets the crazed giggle-wanking which weighed his ladder in the splattering's favour.

[Glebe]

You organize a Quincy marathon, but forget the season 2 DVD and ruin the whole weekend. You sister-in-law will never talk to you again.

[BlodwynPig]

'Be my Yoko Ono..' thinks fuck-ugly meatbeast Martin at the Japanese girl in the chip shop window.

An arseclown flings a cluster of humbugs at a duck.

No, I didn't see Game of bastard Thrones.

Did you see Game of Thrones las' nigh'?

...He never stops seeing it.

[Fishfinger]

Darren's navel lint smells like the sweetest cheese.

[Fishfinger]

Two boring divorcees drift towards a decade of substandard cohabitation.

[Fishfinger]

A hollowed-out tosser actually turns up to his ex's house-warming party.

[Fishfinger]

A man is prevented from hurling himself in front of a train by a paralysing heart attack.

[Glebe]

You sleepwalk into a shopping precinct naked and carrying a hosepipe.