Things your dad is still doing.

[Glebe]

Your dad is a psychopath and is unable to read human emotions.

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad cannot stand Jermaine Jenas, but will only say 'I have my reasons'.

[frajer]

Your dad is crowing about the time he found a dead rat in a tube of Pringles and won a settlement of two free replacement tubes of Pringles. "Both with rats in them! Couldn't be arsed following up on it this time, just left them under your pillow and called it a night."

[Glebe]

"Look son, I found an old polaroid of me and my bit-on-the-side hosting a rave in the late '80s!"

[Glebe]

"Dad, I'd like to introduce you to my fiancée, Isobella!"

"What?! I'm not having you bringing every Dolly Clackett you pick up on the side of road into this house! Get that dirty scrubber out of here!"

[Glebe]

Your dad is watching episodes of The Rockford Files on YouTube in 144p resolution.

[Glebe]

Your dad is enjoying his favourite song ever on YT:

[Glebe]

"I'm glad Spotify got rid of that hippie Neil Young!"

"You don't even know what Spotify is dad!"

"I do so! It's a music app!"

"Okay fair enough. And how do you use it?"

"Ah uh you press a button and it... 'spots' music?"

"At the last hurdle, Dad. At the last hurdle."

[Captain Poodle Basher]

You come home to find your dad wiping his arse on your bedroom curtains.

Dad!

"What? We're out of toilet paper."

Christ almighty! There's a 12-pack in the utility room.

"I meant in the bathroom."

[frajer]

Your dad is stoically consuming an entire chocolate Yule Log before it goes out of date.

[jenna appleseed]

^ That explain the 'yule log' on the curtains, eh readers

[frajer]

When you see it, yule log bricks

[Sherringford Hovis]

Your Dad explains the facts of life.

"Your Mum isn't actually your Mum. In this family, we reproduce asexually. You budded off me - genetically, we're identical. Your mother and I are kind of disappointed that you haven't given us any Grandchildren yet."

"Daddy, I'm seven. What's repo douche a sex you alley?"

[Glebe]

"Son I feel guilty about wanking over hardcore porn. There's the side of me that likes to tend the rhododendrons and then there's the disturbed hornbeast hunched over the laptop at 4AM."

[Glebe]

Your dad's mood darkens and he becomes weird and sinister in what's turns out to be a flashback to 1999.

[Glebe]

"Come into the garden son! I have a surprize for you!"

You follow your dad out into the garden where you discover two puppets on a newly-installed swing near the pond.

"Meet your new brothers, son!"

"Dad... going by vague, misty early childhood memory that's Cosmo and Dibs from You and Me!"



"It's great, isn't it! Got 'em for a fiver down Albion Market! The idiot trader didn't realise how much they'd be worth! But I'm not gonna put 'em on the modern computer 'eBay', as I say they're now you're brothers! Thinking of hunting down Rosie and Jim and the Riddlers to add to the family!"

"Dad, this is a new level of mental!"

"Relax son, I'm only joking. I'm not really going to adopt them as children! But they're going to remain here nonetheless, as part of my ever-burgeoning children's TV memorabilia collection. There's a bloke around Acadia Avenue owns an animation cell from Pigeon Street, gonna see if I can nab that off him at a bargain price!"

This is too much and you faint there and then.

[Glebe]

"You'll be snapping up signed concept art for Crystal Tips and Alistair next!"

"You've heard of Crystal Tips and Alistair, son?!? That is a deep cut!"

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Your dad has befriended both an actress and a bishop so that he can tell 'as the actress said to the bishop' jokes to his mates without lying. "They won't catch me out in a technicality" he says, but he's still waiting for the actress to say something vaguely smutty but amusing to the bishop.

[Glebe]

Your dad is hanging around Burger King to see if he can spot the British Bulldog. "He might still be there!"

[frajer]

Your dad puts a collar with a bell on you when you come round for Sunday lunch, so he knows where you are in the house at any given time.

"I don't mean to be rude son, I just trust you about as far as I can throw you, and with my shoulder acting up that's not too far these days."

[shoulders]

Your dad tests the temperature outside.

'Hmm, 13°C'

[Glebe]

Your dad's doing a fashion spread for The Oldie. He's modelling Jacamo.

[Glebe]

"You okay son?"

"Shudder... I'm just remembering that disastrous trip to China some years back!"

"Oh yeah that... I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for your meddling friend Tyler!"

[frajer]

"You okay son?"

"Shudder... I'm just remembering that disastrous trip to China some years back!"

"Oh yeah that... I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for your meddling friend Tyler!"

"Still can't believe they made a film out of my antics!"

"Fight Club was about you, dad?"

"Not, but Kung Fu Hustle was. But that's a story for another day!" Your dad winks at you and backflips his way down to the shed.

[Glebe]

"Not, but Kung Fu Hustle was. But that's a story for another day!" Your dad winks at you and backflips his way down to the shed.

"Ever seen Indonesian flick The Raid, son? You'd better lock y'bedroom door, because me and my squad are coming in after I've finished mowing the lawn and we are taking no prisoners!

[dr beat]

"Come into the garden son! I have a surprize for you!"

You follow your dad out into the garden where you discover two puppets on a newly-installed swing near the pond.

"Meet your new brothers, son!"

"Dad... going by vague, misty early childhood memory that's Cosmo and Dibs from You and Me!"

'C'mon bruv, lets go to a factory and see how rubber gloves get made!'

[Glebe]

'C'mon bruv, lets go to a factory and see how rubber gloves get made!'

"Why don't you go along with your new brothers son? Educational!"

[The Bumlord]

You walk in on your dad gaping himself with a variety of truly enormous implements.

"Call Norris McWhirter son!"

[Glebe]

You walk in on your dad gaping himself with a variety of truly enormous implements.

"Call Norris McWhirter son!"

"OKAY DAD I'LL JUST GET ON THE PHONE!"

You get on the phone.

"Hello, is that the nuthouse? It's the piñata guy again..."

[Glebe]

Your dad and his mate Norman are making a "gritty drama" in the garden.

"They found a body beneath the rhododendrons? But-"

Your dad pauses in frustration.

"Norm, you're not doing that unnecessary amount of camera-shaking that gives it that 'doco' vibe!"