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March 29, 2024, 08:23:34 AM

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Failed suicide attempts

Started by pancreas, January 23, 2022, 12:58:13 PM

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pancreas

Harrison Garth, in the bath, with a George Foreman grill. 'It said you do toast with it,' he remonstrated.

pancreas

Susan Sevastopol, on the paracetamol. Made the mistake of lining her stomach with a rancid tortilla and vomited the whole lot up. Crying into the toilet bowl she blames 'all Spaniards everywhere' for the waste of good Solpadeine.

pancreas

Heinrich Pfeiff, with a kitchen knife. Worried he wouldn't get it past his breast bone, he set it up in a ballista he engineered based on a Roman design. His wife intercepted the flying blade when she entered his study to give him his afternoon cup of lapsang souchong and pink wafer. The police were not impressed with his excuse.

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: pancreas on January 23, 2022, 01:20:39 PMSusan Sevastopol, on the paracetamol. Made the mistake of lining her stomach with a rancid tortilla and vomited the whole lot up. Crying into the toilet bowl she blames 'all Spaniards everywhere' for the waste of good Solpadeine.

Found this one hilarious 👍

Stoneage Dinosaurs

Mint Polderjast, jumped in front of a train. The train was running at a reduced speed due to adverse weather conditions

Greg Torso

Len Halfpencil, coaxed electric eel elver up pee hole, failed to snuff but invented the sounding process.

H-O-W-L

John Newgate of the beans fame tried to kill himself from a 2 foot jump.

Greg Torso

Princess Melbourne Gay Hotel, Duchess of Swansea 1841, tried to hang herself on some Easter bunting but slipped and broke her arse open on a ceramic dolphin.

Greg Torso

Chaos Dave, slammed head in piano lid, accidentally invented Cockney rhyming slang.

KaraokeDragon

Erwin Rommel, with a zweihander pommel - read a dodgy HEMA manuscript and ended himself wrongly.

Spoon of Ploff

Slender Doodads attempted to scare herself to death with a mirror, but only achieved a minor level of mental trauma.. Went on to invent a new range of emoticons used to express varying degrees of distain at the nation's faltering GDP.

pancreas

In search of a joyous finale, Fernando Half set about trying to laugh himself off. Instead, he died in abject misery, throwing himself in front of a train on his way back from seeing Jack Whitehall doing stand up.

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: pancreas on January 23, 2022, 04:31:17 PMIn search of a joyous finale, Fernando Half set about trying to laugh himself off. Instead, he died in abject misery, throwing himself in front of a train on his way back from seeing Jack Whitehall doing stand up.

hated this one, massive fall from grace, should have left it with the other one, discgraceful

Twit 2

Gerry Maclary from Donaldson's Dairy, with an entire float's worth of curdled milk. Got 4 pints in before his body realised this was what it had always been missing. Went to bed content, left the dairy and now advises Philip Schofield on his white fluid consumption.

The Mollusk

Pete Bovril (heir to the Bovril throne) tried slapping himself to death but due to brain irregularities from a life saving operation forgot that the steel plate from his cyborg arse was supplanted into his face cheek after a tractor ran over his head. Blamed his lack of awareness of the slapping metal sound on listening to St. Anger whilst trying to snuff hisself but was later revealed that he wasn't listening to any music at all

pancreas

Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on January 23, 2022, 05:54:22 PMhated this one, massive fall from grace, should have left it with the other one, discgraceful

I'm just looking around this thread to see if I can find any of your efforts and I'm like: 'Is that one? Oh no, it's someone else's.' Am I being blind? HUH???!!?!111!

Twit 2

Don't need to be a plumber to know your tap's broken, mate.

shoulders

Pauline Belgrade the first person to attempt suicide by doing an impression of someone (Carole Baskin).

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: pancreas on January 23, 2022, 07:28:28 PMI'm just looking around this thread to see if I can find any of your efforts and I'm like: 'Is that one? Oh no, it's someone else's.' Am I being blind? HUH???!!?!111!

I can't think of one which is better than that last one you did

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: PlanktonSideburns on January 23, 2022, 07:44:01 PMI can't think of one which is better than that last one you did

Sorry I meant to say,

I can't think of one; which is better than that last one you did

PlanktonSideburns

What about like a bloke and he wants to die so he jumps in an apes cage in a zoo, but it's just a stuffed one

pancreas

I'm unmoved, I'm afraid to say.

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: pancreas on January 23, 2022, 08:02:56 PMI'm unmoved, I'm afraid to say.

Fair enough

At least it puts some distance between us and that last one you did

Twit 2

That last one...I...I can't even...

Replies From View

Littlejohn Menzies, tried to drown himself by flinging a vast Neodymium magnet into the sea and ingesting all the concentrated iron from a single tin of spinach.  Learning later that the widely-reported 'decimal point misunderstanding' was apocryphal never subtracted from his chagrin.


* When reliving this scene in his memory, he was certain that the empty can powered in a straight line from his hand into the sea, drawn as it was by the immense pulling force of the Neodymium magnet.  This never happened though because the can was aluminium.

Spoon of Ploff

Fred Tredswell sat in his most comfy chair with a plate of digestives and a cup of tea to listen to his favourite radio show. But this attempt to kill himself with kindness was kiboshed when an incredibly localized nuclear holocaust obliterated his side of the village of Netherton.