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March 28, 2024, 06:54:40 PM

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Insufferable Workmate Ryan

Started by the Fallen, December 14, 2021, 08:03:05 PM

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Catalogue of ills

Ryan tells you loudly, on his second day in the job, that he's had so much fanny he had to install a new gash meter

the Fallen

Ryan gives it the big I-Am, when basically every measurable factor about anything more lofty than the dull factoid of his mere existence suggests he's just a big Am-Not.

the Fallen

Ryan counts the sleeps 'til Xmas

frajer

Ryan swipes right on every profile on his Tinder feed. Think he's foolish do you? Well he's had 1000 blowjobs.

Ian Drunken Smurf

Quote from: the Fallen on December 15, 2021, 08:22:37 PMRyan counts the sleeps 'til Xmas

In summer he's all about sleeps until Hollibobs.

Glebe

It's you birthday so Insufferable Workmate Ryan gives you a card with a cartoon about farts on it and a mug with 'I've got the world's biggest cock!' on it.

the Fallen

Quote from: Glebe on December 15, 2021, 11:09:35 PMIt's you birthday so Insufferable Workmate Ryan gives you a card with a cartoon about farts on it and a mug with 'I've got the world's biggest cock!' on it.

Ryan has scrubbed out the words "I've got"

And waits for you to drink from it you big cock!

pancreas

Thank you for your enquiry, Mr Ayres. After speaking to the legal department, we reiterate our belief that someone stealing your milk does not count as 'gross misconduct'.

All best,
Pamela Hill
Assistant HR Manager Aviva North East

Glebe

Insufferable Workmate Ryan keeps making an annoying 'clucking' noise for ages.

"Insufferable Workmate Ryan could you stop that please?"

"Stop what?"

"You're doing that noise with your mouth again."

"What noise? Fuck me mate you're such a fusspot!"

"It's very annoying."

"So are YOU mate! Tosspot! CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK."

the Fallen

Ryan intercepts your Subway delivery, spoiling what was supposed to be a salty, pseudo-delicious lunch with one of those Xmas tree gingerbread biscottis they're doing, a steaming hot machined latte-style coffeedrink, this the culinary apex of your week/month and he's fucking well gone and snaffled it!

Which is odd, as you're both working from home today.

the Fallen

#40
Ryan made a right old tit of himself at the Aviva sales team winter festivity.

That's hardly a big deal but it was held Tuesday afternoon in the office, Pepsi and paper cups, light puzzles and Radio 1. Your cracker had a yellow hat and you all read the jokes out. You especially enjoyed doing yours, as you worked an Aviva-based pun into it (which I won't repeat here).

But yeah. A right old tit. There was no call for what Ryan did. Is it weird to tip the cleaners?

the Fallen

#41
Ryan mouths WANKER at you as a customer wails down the headset. Then performs the international hand signal for masturbation as the customer's diatribe continues.

This valued Aviva customer, not appreciating haggling over insurance with Ryan. By the sounds of it, not a happy bunny at all!

Tricky customer for Ryry this. Could be a genuine grievance, the Aviva sales team are trained not to respond to emotions but rather look at the deeper opportunity within a call.

ABHI -  Always Be Haggling Insurance. Ryan's had this training, it's the basic competency of the job. He's got the Actioning Customer Values script pinned up same as anybody else.

A deep dive into the mark's finances should be exploitable from any emotional outburst. Tricks of the Aviva trade. When Ryan takes control of this call he should be able to convert whine into motor insurance policy gold!

And Floor Champion Mark is making the rounds, that sharp and harried man. Come on Ry, bring it all back home!

Ryan is doing his mong impersonation

the Fallen

Ryan tells you about some lurid illustrations of Mark drawn in the gents' (Mark is the Aviva sales team floor champion) and suggests you, yourself, authored this vile labyrinthine sexual graffiti.

Ryan proves no match for the old adage  'Whoever smelt it dealt it.' That was some effective counterpositing.

the Fallen

You and FCM are vibing by the Klix discussing biz and strategizing when Ryan just passes you and then hovers to get involved, shutting down the conversation entirely.

the Fallen

Ryan explains that it is the taking the word "slag" as some kind of horrible slur that is the real sexism.

Leanne should be if anything proud, the dirty wee slut

the Fallen

Ryan tells 'the guys' (you and Manc Andy) about a smoking hot Tinder match as if anybody could give a single flying fuck at a rolling dogturd about any of it

the Fallen

Ryan does all his shitting in the office

With the amount of time he spends in there he might have transitioned over most his pisses too

the Fallen

Ryan informs you he's been playing mind games with you for months now.

You take his word for it

Glebe

"Cor, that new sales manager is well fit, isn't she?"

"I'm standing behind you Ryan."

"Oh sorry. Cor, you're well fit!"

Ian Drunken Smurf

Quote from: the Fallen on December 15, 2021, 11:21:27 PMRyan has scrubbed out the words "I've got"

And waits for you to drink from it you big cock!

Top bantz... the utter bantercunt

the Fallen

You crumple onto your inadequate gaming chair, rattle in your Aviva username and password, wait for Windows 8 to load, cough out some cold air, blink, and there is Teams with Ryan messaging the entire sales team with something of importance so, so early:

Freezing 🥶

the Fallen

Ryan accused me of making up halftruths about him and posting them on the Internet. Can you imagine?

He's threatening me with the seething (online) wrath of fellow Tommy Robinson followers

You're lucky I left out the bad half of the truth, mate

frajer

Ryan is dismayed to find the office doesn't have a photocopier but instead sends an inter-office email linking to a TikTok of his arse instead.

the Fallen

Ryan is caught wanking in the bogs

Deliberately

the Fallen

Ryan asks if your sister is on Facebook, waits fifteen seconds, then gets up to visit the little boy's room

Turns back

Your mum as well?

the Fallen

Ryan, earnestly complimenting me, said I'm technically good at my job

the Fallen

The Floor Champions are both off today, so technically Lucy's in charge.

Ryan wants to know why he wasn't told?

Glebe

Ryan spends the entire lunchbreak loudly munching Quavers and laughing hysterical at shite unfunny YT vids.

the Fallen

Not that Ryan's ever applied for anything at Aviva North-East in the six months he's been here, but he's sick and tired of being passed over for promotion

frajer

Ryan is bulking up so is on an all-egg diet. Your desk is behind his and you're mired in his arse stew and his guffs are singeing your eyebrows.