What ridiculous excuses do you use at work?

[weekender]

I understand that most of the posters on here actually work for a living, instead of lazy workshy alcoholics squatting in people's gardens at the taxpayer's expense, like gazzyk1ns.

With that in mind, you've no doubt experienced times in work when you've become so frustrated that sometimes you make up excuses to try and get them off your back.  So, this thread is for those excuses that you've used that seem so ridiculous that most sensible people would have go at you for, but you've managed to pull off with such sincerity and got away with that they're deemed brilliant and/or funny.

A couple of examples from my own experience.  

The first one happened today.  We're so busy at the moment, we don't have time to do all the work we're expected to, so sometimes we just have to ignore people's correspondence and try and respond in a few months down the line.  So today I had one particularly aggrieved pensioner ring me up complaining that we'd not responded to the letter he sent in March.  After a few minutes looking, I couldn't find his letter, so I rang him back.

weekender: Hello there, I couldn't find your letter, could you send it again?
pensioner: This is disgusting, your company is a shambles.
w: This may seem strange, but we did have a fire in the office a few weeks ago started by vandals, and a lot of paperwork got destroyed.  Unfortunately there's not a lot we could have done about this, so all I can suggest is that you send the letter again and we'll respond to it ASAP.
p: Oh, I see, that's fine then.  I bet it was kids, no discipline these days, I fought in a war for them etc...

He was happy then, even though I've just told a blatant lie about a fire and I'd got his letter in front ot me.  Daft old twat.

Another one, after my pitiful excuses fell on deaf ears:

pensioner2: Your company is fucking shit, I live locally and I'm going to come round there and give you a piece of my mind!
w (REALLY FORCEFUL VOICE): SIR, I'm sorry, but there's a fight in our reception and I have to go now, my boxing skills will be needed!
*then I just hung the phone up*

I called him back later, profusely apologised for the fact that I'd had to leave suddenly, and asked if he would still like a meeting with us so that we could resolve his concerns.  Strangely, he declined.

So, what stupid excuses have you used in your workplace?

Note: Any examples which involve a pig in your office will rightly result in you being called a fucking twat.

[Marcus Or Relius]

Once I foolishly picked up the phone before leaving the office at 5:29PM and some git asked for a full update about their insurance case, which would usually take at least ten-minutes or so, meaning I'd miss the bus home that would get me to my comfy abode in time for The SImpsons.

I was actually dealing with the caller's case but I just lied and explained thusly:

"Er...the person who's dealing with it has just left the office. It's hometime y'see, all the daytime workers have just gone home. Try calling back tomorrow."
"Well," said Mr Phone-At-Fucking-Hometime-With-A-Long-Winded-Enquiry, "you must be on the late shift. Can you give me an update on the case?"
"I'm afraid not. I'm just er...a security guard. I'm a night-watchman. I know nuthin' about insurance stuff. Sorry."

At times honesty is the best policy. My boss answered the phone once and it was some obnoxious Financial Advisor who everyone hated speaking too on account of his ghastly lack of manners. My boss told me who was on the phone.

Boss "Do you want to speak to him?"
Me: "No."
Boss "Why not?"
Me: "'Cos he's an arsehole."

Boss just laughed and made an excuse on my behalf. Bless!

[Ambient Sheep]

I too have used the Genesis excuse ("You've got it wrong sir, I'm only the cleaner"), but not normally until about 6.30pm or so...

[Dr David V]

I heard on the news yesterday that the manager of our local KFC called in a bomb threat to his own restaurant because he didn't want to work. He's in prison for the next nine months, so I suppose he succeeded in a way.

Meanwhile at the corner shop... a pensioner phoned up to ask how the Lottery scratchcards worked, what classifies as a win and a lose, how she could buy cards, how much they were and which ones we had in stock. I really could not be arsed to explain it, I had about 5 minutes left of work and I knew I'd be there for at least 30 minutes repeating the same fucking thing over and over, so I started to explain how they worked (apparently you get a coin then scratch the silver bit on the front. Ingenius) and after about 30 seconds told her that I had to hang up because someone in the shop was having a seizure, and I had to go and help the assistant create an air-hole in the oesophogus (I know nothing about seizures, but luckily neither did she). I left 2 minutes early that day.

[Ambient Sheep]

and I had to go and help the assistant create an air-hole in the oesophogus...

Handy tip for next time: you meant the trachea (windpipe).  And the operation you perform is a tracheotomy [sp?].

The oesophagus [sp?] is your food pipe.  Airholes not recommended... ;-)

[Dr David V]

Heh, I knew someone would correct me. Funny thing is, my brother has epilepsy, so you'd think I'd know something about seizures. Clearly not.

[gazzyk1ns]

When I worked as a letting agent I used to have landlords of properties we let out pestering me constantly for all sorts of stuff (one even wanted a 10p picture hook replacing after some tenants moved out... clearly she'd taken her own, more "detailed" inventory...).

Anyway, one day, a tenant phoned in and asked if we could get our builder to tarmac his driveway, as the current 60s concrete one was beginning to crack. Knowing the landlord would go berserk at the thought of even the lawn being mowed without her deliberation and approval, and knowing the tenant was a bit thick, I simply said:

"That's not possible - I'm afraid it's illegal."

He apologised for bothering me and hung up.

[High Roller]

Heh, I knew someone would correct me. Funny thing is, my brother has epilepsy, so you'd think I'd know something about seizures. Clearly not.

And you have the cheek to call yourself a doctor.

[Incredible Monkey Doctor]

I too have used the Genesis excuse ("You've got it wrong sir, I'm only the cleaner"), but not normally until about 6.30pm or so...

I'm patting myself on the back for getting that refrence. Pat pat. Great album.

[gazzyk1ns]

And the operation you perform is a tracheotomy [sp?].

You know you're right about that spelling, you leaned it from the JFK assassination interview transcript.

[weekender]

Ooh, another favourite of mine (although it's not technically an excuse, I just couldn't think of anywhere else to put it) is asking daft questions.

Mr Smith, can you just confirm how to spell your surname please?

[A Passing Turk Slipper]

Once, when I was working in Safeway, (although this isn't an example of an excuse more one of stupidity although it's quite funny so I'll say it anyway) some guy was paying for his shopping by card. I asked him if he wanted cashback, and he said he would just take the change. I told him that you don't get change when you pay for something by credit card, trying to supress laughter so this guy then goes 'Oh, alright I'll have a pound back then please'. ONE POUND. He wanted one pound cashback. I told him the smallest amount we could give him was ten, so he didn't bother. I'm sure he wasn't having a little joke, he kept a completely straight face. Someone also once asked for a gram of ham. The scales only measured in multiples of five.

[NobodyGetsOutAlive]

When I worked for BT Technical Support I was once 2 minutes away from the end of my shift. Ingenuity struck and I answered the phone in a monotonous answerphone tone -  "Thank you for calling BT Technical support. Unfortunately the branch you have reached is about to close down for the night. However, if you would like to call back in 5 minutes you will be redirected to our Scottish branch, who will be happy to take your query. Thankyou"


Worked like a charm

[pretty dead boy]

He wanted one pound cashback. I told him the smallest amount we could give him was ten, so he didn't bother. I'm sure he wasn't having a little joke, he kept a completely straight face

what's wrong with getting a pound cashback!  it means you don't have to tempt your greedy fingers by taking a tenner out that you'll inevitably fritter away, and you can get the bus home instead of walking.

tescos do a pound cashback, even if you only spend a pound.

[Manford Thirty-Sixborough]

I try not to lie to customers, as you run the risk of being caught out and complained about. My preferred tactic is to give an apology absurd enough to induce an embarassed giggle, instead of a scowl.

Customer: Do you sell ant powder?
M36B: Sorry, we're out of it at the moment, but I could sell you some fly-spray, and some clingfilm out of which to make fake wings.

Customer: Have you got these bins in white?
M36B:  I'm afraid we've only the grey at present, but we do have tipp-ex.

Customer: Why've you not got the summer duvets in king size?
M36B: We haven't been sent any yet, but you could buy two singles and a roll of brown tape.

It's not a tactic you can use with all customers, but the great thing is that they remember having a laugh, rather than being disappointed, so they come back again.

[ccab]

A couple of years ago I was ignoring calls from a client whose brochure I hadn't yet started & which was about a month overdue. Unluckily he bumped into me in a pub when I was halfcut & I realised he was quite seriously annoyed. So I told him I had finished his brochure, but realised it had caught a computer virus just as I was ready to deliver it & it now needed specialist disinfecting. The bloke was in his sixties & obviously didn't have a clue about modern technology - and he just accepted it. His whole manner changed & he was really concerned about me & my office & I realised he didn't want the thing anywhere near him. He actually believed a pamphlet could contract a computer virus. I suppose the moral of the tale is naive people are easily exploited.

[!]

I work almost every friday and saturday night, and on a glorius afternoon last year i went to a bar-b-que, had 2 cans and said " fuck it, no show". At half past eleven that night i ignored five phone calls and threw up in the garden.

The next  night at work the deputy GM was insensitive enough to ask " what the fuck happend to you, tommy (another i work with) burnt his hand and didn't come in either, poor rob (lazy bastad) was running 'round buy himself under siege from fifteen mortal irish stag partys"

I explaind my younger brother was out celebrating the end of his exams and the police found him half dead from a vicious assault in some old ladys garden and called me because my dad was working in Mexico. However this was all mumbled at the floor and she didn't get a word of it. She just looked at my desperately ernest face and walked off never to mention it again.

I think my dad's about due a stroke

[Boris Livingstone]

I work in a suprmarket and we get loads of daft bints asking us dumb questons, there was this one bloke, doddery old fucker he was, about 100 or something, anyway he came up to me and asked me where the cheese was. what a dumb question its in the fucking dairy dept like where it usualy is. first I pretended not to understand him and kept saying, what? what? can't hear you! speak up grandad! Daft fucker didnt get the joke at all!! Anyhoo he asked again and i said, im sory weve run out of cheese as a giant herd of wasps has eaten it all earlier today!! Grampa swallowed it whole he did and left tail between his legs. I told my mates in the pub and they all agreed I was a complete twat.

[danielsan]

I worked at a Natwest call centre about five years ago, and one day went out to the pub for lunch. Came back four hours later completely arseholed. My manager demanded to know where I had been and I told him I was hit by a car on the way back to work. I pretended to get so outraged that he didn't believe me that I started to take my trousers off in the middle of the office to show him the huge bruise on my leg. Not surprisingly he stopped me, and although it's obvious he didn't believe me, couldn't do anything about it.

Ha ha - stupid fucker!

[NobodyGetsOutAlive]

Christ, there's lying to cover your own arse/because you can't be bothered to deal with something at work and then there's just being a cunt. This thread has shown a lot of examples of the latter.

[Purple Tentacle]

Once I turned up to work ten minutes late, and I told them that the train was a bit late.... I'd actually  ust got out of bed late!!!

Hahahahahaha some people are so stupid they deserve to die.

[!]

Every time i'm late it's because the police stopped me.
This country is going down the shit hole

[hencole]

I once didn't turn up to work for three days. When asked why I said that I hadn't been able to sleep or concentrate because my Friend Ana had been raped and was contemplating suicide.

Suckers!1!!

[MojoJojo]

I once told my boss that I hadn't turned up for work the previous day because I had been kidnapped by the IRA, and had only managed to escape after killning my two captors.

Unfortunately, the joke was on me, as it turned out my boss was an IRA hitman, and he killed my entire family in retaliation!

[the sovereign]

no need for an excuse...

call in dead!!