queer/trans comrades thread

[Zetetic]

The service I actually want to access doesn't seem to have actually received the request, whilst my practice is insisting that they can see it's in a prioritisation queue with a consultant. I have some idea of what's happening here but right now the idea of explaining it to two, or possibly three, different people in a way that actually unblocks anything makes me want to tear my face off.

It turns out my GP referral doesn't count anyway (despite the patient information document for the service suggesting that referrals must come from GPs), and instead access to this service is supposedly locked behind an appointment (if not actually an assessment?) with the service that I don't really want any involvement with and has year-plus waiting times.

During which time I'll be making the thing I'm trying to get referred for worse, with some help from the health service.

All a bit silly really.

[Ferris]

I appreciate that your point is about how old the other demonstrators were, but this is also often because protests and marches are grossly inaccessible to people with mobility needs. Given how frequently people with physical disabilities are disproportionately at the sharp-end of cuts to public services, cost-of-living increases, etc. you'd expect them to be frequently visible at protests, all else being equal.

A very good point.

[Jack Shaftoe]

I put this on the Linehan thread originally, but I'll put it here too if that's okay.

I've started therapy for the first time in my life, thanks to various Terfs stirring up shit that I've been trying to put behind me since I reluctantly decided it wasn't practical to transition, back in the early 2000s. I found a therapist who specialises in LGBTQ stuff, to make life slightly easier, and even though she knows full well what gender dysphoria is, when she asked me to put it into words, I found myself saying 'it's not so much that I "want to be a woman", it's that a sizeable chunk of my nervous system already thinks I am one and is constantly freaking out at the negative feedback it's been getting for (Christ) fifty years now.'

I've never found a way of describing it before that really worked, so that was quite satisfying.

EDIT: changed 'brain' to 'nervous system' which I think is better, but still not perfect.

[Zetetic]

I've still not had any success getting anything useful sorted out from NHS Wales.

But on the other hand I'm apparently also now on a Gynaecology waiting list, which is a bit novel.

[petril]

My GIC is doing an admin check and supposed to be texting/lettering us and we need to respond and I'm so scared I'll lose my place on the list. It's been five years and I fear that I'll never ever get seen.

I don't think I can afford my private treatment any more and I just have people telling me "just buy elsewhere". I have no links to buy from.

where do you all get your hormones and blockers without the NHS/private clinic? asking for a friend who can't afford the private clinic and will probably never be seen by the GIC

I don't know how to just cheer up while still being in this place. I don't know how to distract myself without people coercing me into saying I want to detransition.

I'm sorry I can't be part of this community any more because I can't transition.

I'm not looking for comiseration or sympathy, just some friends to talk about real, practical steps and to get something going where I get the meds I need and take them for now.

[Zetetic]

@petril Are you happy for me to send you a private message about practical steps?

[petril]

its fine. sorry for the alarm. was delayed benefit payment issue. I've got a few Important Trans Costs over the next few months and this was part of a chain that was about to mess my whole budget up.

I managed to get the first thing solved in a single phone call to a benefits adviser over the afternoon and somehow. I can actually get my bloods and back on blockers on schedule again~

[Zetetic]

The offer remains open, if only so you've got it as an option in the future.

Private clinics seems to be extremely expensive for how little they offer (and for how much tax evasion they engage in).

[Jack Shaftoe]

Getting ads on Facebook for 'the benefits of testosterone replacement therapy'. Barking up the wrong tree there, lads.

I'm getting close to booking a consultation with them Gendercare people (earliest they can do: seven months), just so I can actually have a proper talk with someone who can lay out the procedures, full costs, manage expectations, all that. It'll still cost a couple of hundred just to talk about it, but hey ho. I'd be astonished if I go any further with with it, but may as well see what's out there.

I think a big part of it is if I cark it from a stroke or whatever tomorrow (no reason to think I will but you never know) I want some record out there that I was not entirely happy with my setup and at least peeked out of the blinds a bit at some alternative.

[Zetetic]

Not sure what to say but: well done and good luck, @Jack Shaftoe .

(The offer nevertheless obviously also remains open to you if you want to PM about anything to do with DIYing HRT.)

[Jack Shaftoe]

Cheers, appreciate it!

[Zetetic]

Wrote a six-week follow-up to the service I want nothing to do with, quoting bits of policy no one in their right minds would give a shit about, to try to get them to at least tell me that they won't write a fucking letter that my GP has already written

Admin staff remain lovely. Clinician cleared off until next week. Have had some horrible hints, elsewhere, of needing a diagnosis to be allowed to wank into a freezer.

Going a bit loopy about some of this stuff - but I think that something like this happens this week every year, and I have a ton of other stressors.

[bgmnts]

Have had some horrible hints, elsewhere, of needing a diagnosis to be allowed to wank into a freezer.

It won't stop me tbh

[Pink Gregory]

sounds like a cold cabinet variation of opening t'window and shagging the night

[TropicalEskimo]

How do people handle the big step of taking this from something you constantly think about into something you actually explore in reality? Everything seems worse and worse and it feels terrifying that people are increasingly so horrible about it all, keep thinking maybe it's just better off keeping my head down even though I think I would be happy. Feels like an insurmountable journey to set off on.

[Zetetic]

@TropicalEskimo , I think it's easy to be led into thinking that's an aggressive transphobe hiding behind every British lamppost. There is a lot of noise online dedicated to creating that impression, both by transphobes and allies.

In practice, almost no one in the street cares and even fewer people care enough to be unpleasant. I don't want to pretend you shouldn't think about risk, or that even a single fairly mild experience can't stay with you.

My own experiences - as a thirty-something who at best looks like they've been separated from a particularly dreary stag party, in middling British university cities - have been fine. I'm sure some of that is that I reckon I'm instantly identifiable to others as a bloke (just ... in a skirt, with some small but obvious breasts) and the places I go - and that others mileage might vary considerably.

In terms of exploring, if you're thinking about transfeminine stuff - clothes and make-up are easy to try without going outside of your own home. I don't want to pretend these amount to being a woman, but they're a way to see how you feel about trying trivial markers of feminity.

Again, if we're talking about transfeminine stuff, then self-medicating hormone replacement therapy (DIY HRT) is pretty easy to give a go without having to wait a year or five to pass any sort of assessment. There are some risks involved - these mostly amount to loss of fertility and some irreversible breast growth (but this doesn't happen overnight). I'm happy to discuss this further.

[Jack Shaftoe]

The happiness balance is the thing for me. I've never been able to resolve drastically changing 95% of my life and going through so much stress just to make that 5% of my brain that's plugged in backwards (or whatever) happier. I couldn't make myself do that when I was twenty, when I got the dysphoria diagnosis, and it's certainly no easier now I'm fifty. A big part of the issue for me is that I hugely value a quiet life and being left the fuck alone, and also I know I wouldn't be happy with any outcome other than one where I had a realistic chance of passing and even with FFS I can't afford, I'm over six foot, so that's not going to happen. Yes, I know there are tall cis women, but the one I know who's my height (and stunning) is now too scared to used public toilets because of Terf-based hassle.

The conclusion I've come to is if someone invents a chamber where you go in it and press a button and POW, a minute later you come out looking like you were 'supposed' to look, then awesome, I'd be up for that, quick post on my Facebook page and everyone can just learn to live with it, but otherwise, it's (let's say probably) not for me.

That said, my friend has a trans daughter who came out a year ago and is now off to university, lots of happy photos on Facebook and nothing but love and support, so thank god, things are changing.

[Beloved of Jo]

I know I wouldn't be happy with any outcome other than one where I had a realistic chance of passing and even with FFS I can't afford, I'm over six foot, so that's not going to happen. Yes, I know there are tall cis women, but the one I know who's my height (and stunning) is now too scared to used public toilets because of Terf-based hassle.

I wouldn't pay mind to any nonsense from a weirdo when I need to pee, but having said that I'm 6'1" and I've never had anyone hassling me in my years. Although Australia is not the UK I guess, plus we tend to be on the taller side here. I've worked in retail long enough to know that people are mostly just fascinated by tall women.
Far easier said than done, but looking confident yet friendly goes a long way too.

[Jack Shaftoe]

Its horribly ironic that my cis friend is more affected/upset by Terfery than the (few) trans people I know, excellent work transphobes!

With my height thing, it's just one more obstacle to add to the list of excuses, not a deal breaker in itself. I'm almost pathologically self-conscious, gender dysphoria is a really annoying thing to combine it with, thanks brain.

[Zetetic]

Got challenged on whether "he/him is fine" was really true on Saturday. (And by someone who I'd already developed a horrific and inappropriate friend-crush, or something like that, on a few minutes earlier.) I guess I might be in the vicinity of some sort of tipping point.

[GoblinAhFuckScary]

Got challenged on whether "he/him is fine" was really true on Saturday. (And by someone who I'd already developed a horrific and inappropriate friend-crush, or something like that, on a few minutes earlier.) I guess I might be in the vicinity of some sort of tipping point.

watcha gonna do zet

[Zetetic]

Practice saying "anything is fine" and "I don't have any pronoun preferences" until it seems like I'm taking it seriously.


When the person who challenged me on Saturday came up to me on the day after - a skirt-and-leggings kind of day - and she stroked the cat I was holding and their fingertips kept grazing my arm, it was as if they couldn't see I was a monster.

And I know it meant more to me than it should have done, because I was already being weird about it, and also the cat was fantastic which probably counts for a lot... but, still, I can't have been so bad in the eyes of at least one person-who-counts.


When I tell my partner that I don't have a problem with expressing aspects of masculinity or being a man to her, I don't think that I'm lying. "He/him" is fine.

I also like it when my boyfriend calls me a woman's name, even if (or possibly slightly because) it's one I largely chose to wind him up. But I don't need everyone to do this.


I don't really know what to do about work. A bunch of close colleagues know I'm DIYing HRT. That's not really the same as a having a framework to hand strangers for a bunch of other stuff.


This is ... not good, but

Spoiler alert

I really fucking hate the idea of telling people "what I am" or asking them to perceive and reference me in one way or another. I don't want something so supposedly freely given. I hate playing the word games and I hate that one way to lose them is often to ask the other person what move they want you to make.

[close]

[Zetetic]

I don't really know what to do about work. A bunch of close colleagues know I'm DIYing HRT. That's not really the same as a having a framework to hand strangers for a bunch of other stuff.

Given the way one colleague stared at my chest today on entering the room, I think I can probably both 1) decide that the raloxifene is basically a bust (lol) and 2) that my hand is somewhat being forced whatever so I might as well just wear whatever I'm comfortable in now and deal with identity stuff if I have to.

[Zetetic]

It turns out the WGS forgot to put me on the urgent-ish-harm-reduction endo-only waiting list when I was referred, and that's why they've been dicking me about, sort of unintentionally, for the last three months. If nothing else, it's good to know that I was ... right.

Gave me an appointment in first week of January, which is nice. Although I'm now staring down the barrel of discontinuing HRT for somewhere between three months and fuck-knows, and trying not to go a bit funny in the head about this.

Still need to fix the WFI referral criteria (my GP should be able to refer me, not the WGS), the WHSSC's lack of commissioning policy, and the patient info around all this. WGS manager was very nice about my complaint. Tried to push me to apply to join the patient stakeholder, but I'm pretty sure that'd be full of Good Trans who'd correctly fucking hate me.

[Zetetic]

Slight restoration of faith in NHS Wales that the complaint concerns process is doing something useful in this one instance.

[Jack Shaftoe]

And yet apparently kids get transed within seconds of picking up the 'wrong' toy and there's nothing parents can do about it.

I was planning to talk to someone from Gendercare to get at least a proper run-through of the procedure, exactly what you get done through NHS vs private, timescales and all that, more for peace of mind than anything else. Except the closest appointment would be in seven months and that was conditional on showing the GD diagnosis I got years ago. But it turns out that's not on my NHS record and the clinic itself in Birmingham closed down years ago and doesn't seem to have left any trace of itself existing. So I'd have to get a new diagnosis, and I'm not sure I can be arsed, I'm so tired with it all.

Doesn't help that the tv show I've had in development with the BBC for three years just got turned down a week before I was due to set up the writers room and all that (on the schedule they demanded I give them), so the first chance of actually making some decent money from this stupid writing business in twenty five years just evaporated.

If that all sounds a bit depressing, I'm actually feeling better than I have for years, at least I've been addressing it properly for the first time since the early nineties. I do think if I was in my early twenties now I'd probably be going for it, with a lot more support and that does give me a certain comfort.

[Shaxberd]

Keep on plugging at it, Jack. That's how they get you, there's so many steps in the UK system that seem designed to encourage people to just give up. The 'hostile environment' approach, you might say.


Anyway, I came here to talk about seeing Billy Bragg perform last night, and what a lovely experience that was.

After performing Sexuality he talked at some length about trans rights and the need for cis people to get on board and support trans people, explaining how he'd come to his position and using that to lead into another song, Mid-Century Modern, about growing older and needing to keep learning and readjusting one's assumptions. He came back to trans rights multiple times throughout the night as well, big cheers and applause from the audience throughout.

Made me feel good to be in that crowd and to have an ally who can speak to his fellow 60-something blokes (and blokesses) in their own language about this topic. I'm glad not everyone I looked up to when I was young got bitter and reactionary.

[Zetetic]

So I'd have to get a new diagnosis, and I'm not sure I can be arsed, I'm so tired with it all.

I'd just say again that self-medicating is an absolutely viable first step with zero gatekeeping beyond navigating cryptocurrency, and you don't have to do that alone. (And a perfectly valid last step.)

For transfem HRT, it isn't illegal. Buying prescription-only medicines for personal use in the UK without a prescription isn't illegal. Importing prescription-only medicines for personal use into the UK without a prescription isn't illegal. (Selling and distributing them is.)

None of the meds you'd use for transfem HRT are "controlled substances". (This isn't true for transmasc HRT, alas.)

On the timescales of months, the only irreversible effects of transfem HRT are the beginnings of breast growth (which in the worst case you can undo for £5k and a holiday to Spain, no psych diag needed) and the largely-theoretical risk of infertility (which if it really matters to you, sperm-bank first).

There's a reason why something like 30-50% of people who reach English GICs are DIYing by the time they get there.

[Jack Shaftoe]

Thanks for support S and Z, appreciated.

[Glebe]

Sorry about your woes Jack but glad to hear you're in good fettle nonetheless. Don't let the bastards etc.

@Zetetic Glad you've sorted your appointment, take care.