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David Suchet: A Raconteur's Life!

Started by Glebe, January 03, 2022, 10:23:42 PM

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Glebe



Your's Truly!

Hello everyone, David Suchet here. You may best know me as Agatha Christie's Poirot on ITV, but I have had a many and varied career as an actor, author, bon viveur, philosopher, diplomat and of course raconteur!

I have graced your lovely blue forum before but am back with some untold tales of my 'Raconteur's Life'!

Let me tell you about a night in Dubai in 1990. It was a particularly memorable occasion as we were being entered at a special dinner for the visiting Sultan of Brunei. Among the many and varied guests were the likes of Alan Yentob, Mick Jagger, Bernie Ecclestone and Imelda Marcos.

The evening was getting merry and I'd had rather a lot of vintage Tuscan Cabernet Sauvignon, when I suddenly found myself challenging the King of Denmark to a duel! He had been regaling myself and Brigitte Bardot with tales involving his skill with a rapier all evening, and I'd had enough! I jumped on the table and shouted, "Sir, fetch your weapon! For we shall duel here and now!"

Fortunately I had trained at the Swiss Academy of Fencing for four years in my infancy, so the challenge was a doddle. We both retrieved our epees from out rooms and the duel was over in seconds, with yours truly pinning the King (rather unceremoniously!) to the floor! There were no hard feelings though and oaths of fealty were sworn that night!



With brother David and the Khazi of Bungdit Din.

Now let me tell you about another occasion. I am at home in any company, whether it's with Clive James enjoying the culinary delights of Kowloon (1981) or challenging Prince Charles to a round of polo in Monaco (1999). But I am from humble beginnings.

Born in Delhi in 1926, I had an unspectacular upbringing. My father was a Burmese diplomat and my mother was a Russian double-agent, and I felt something of an ingénue as we traversed the globe getting into all kinds of incredible adventures which I was too young and innocent to fully comprehend.

But at the tender age of twelve I was send to a finishing school in Austria. There I was to be trained in all manner of things, from advanced economics to ambassadorial etiquette to the deadly arts of taekwondo and beyond. In the end, however, I chose the humble profession of the thespian, keeping the skills I'd learned in reserve like fine vintage wines.

But I digress! Ah yes... that occasion I was to tell you about. It was 2001 and myself and my ITV newsreader brother David were in Taiwan at a champagne reception for the Khazi of Bungdit Din. The Khazi was utterly charming, and had managed to sneak some of the famed Indian Kali Ma 'Snake's Blood' Wine into the event under his turban! He gave myself and David a drop each in our bubbly and we were off to the races!

I'm afraid I made quite a fool of myself that night, boasting of my knowledge of everything from the Hungarian rail system during the 1900's to Sixth Century Chinese economics. But the Khazi had clearly been entertained, for when I returned to London that weekend I discovered a crate of finest cognac in my porch, sent straight from his palace!

Yet it was not to be the last time I would embarrass myself, though with beneficial outcomes!



With the Sheik of Araby at Sandringham.

The year was 2007 and Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II herself had invited a host of dignitaries to Sandringham House for a weekend of chat, song and laughter. Myself, Salman Rushdie, the current Iranian Ambassador and Billy Bragg were enjoying lunch in a corner of the estate when we were suddenly approached by the grand figure of the Sheik of Araby!

Nervously, I invited his Eminence the Sheik to take a seat and join us for a taste of traditional English ale. But what a faux pas. For - dummkopf! - alcohol is, off course, completely forbidden in the Middle-East! But the Sheik took it in good stead and promised he would not have me executed if I ever set foot in his country. Talk about lucky!

So I have discussed some of my past revelries, but what of current plans? Well, I am currently preparing to climb Mount Everest with the wonderful Brian Blessed, who assures me I am in good hands - gulp! I've also been visiting some lovely Greek Orthodox churches around Europe as part of my research into Christian Orthodoxy. Look out for my 2,000 page tome on the subject in the 'near' future!

That's all for now my dear friends. Look for more tales soon!

the Fallen


Mr Farenheit

Suchet, the last of the great raconteurs!

Glebe

Quote from: Mr Farenheit on January 04, 2022, 04:04:30 PMSuchet, the last of the great raconteurs!

Thank you Mr Farenheit! You're in luck, as I have prepared another raconteurial feast for you today!

I was brunching in Toulouse one morning with the cultural attaché to the Taiwanese Embassy when I noticed something sticking out of his shopping bag. "Oh that's a 'best of Verdi' CD I bought in a local record shop," he explained, noticing my glance. My knowledge of classical is vast, I must unabashedly admit, but in any case I was surprised that this young man of 37 was still purchasing CDs in the year 2012. I'm no great shakes with technology but I manage to keep up with current trends, and at that time had an iPod containing over 200 albums from every genre of music from medieval Dutch folk through moderate rock and on in to electronica.

I inquired as to whether or not the apprentice attaché had considered purchasing a modern MP3 player of some description. "Oh I'm afraid I'm rather old fashioned, even for my age!" he laughed.

I placed my hand on my chin and went into a thoughtful reverie. The cool gallic spring air whipped at my shirt as I pondered the contrast between nature and technology. It really is a strange world we live in!



Going 'trans' with Howard Jacobson at the Barbican!

The year is 2018 and myself and author Howard Jacobson are due to give an informal lecture at the Barbican in London, to be entitled 'Modern Life'. We will share our thoughts on the modern world before opening up the floor for a Q&A with the assembled audience. I was discussing the forthcoming event over drinks with Howard one evening when a wry smile came to his lips and he hit me with a rather unusual suggestion!

"You're very much a forward thinker, Suchet," he grinned, "why don't you put your money where your mouth is and 'go trans' before the event!"

"My dear boy, that's a wonderful idea!" I replied. "But I'm afraid there is one very large wrinkle. I've been married for 56 years to a loving wife and have a brood of seventeen children that have graduated from academies all over the world and work in the top echelons of various businesses. To suddenly change sex now would be rather a shock to them all!"

He conceded my point, but suggested a compromise. "Why don't you raid Ada's wardrobe and 'drag it up' a bit?" Hmmm. This seemed like a reasonable halfway meeting. And so - as you can see by the photo above! - I did indeed do the lecture in a sort of sexually ambiguous way. In any event the evening went swimmingly, although I took some flack after from the LGBTQ+ contingent for apparently "cheapening' the whole issue of sexual identity!

It was a rare lapse of taste on my part for which I apologise. In any case look soon for more raconteuring!


Glebe

Haha yes Mr F, Peter was a good friend though I only ever glimpsed Orson Welles once through a curtain in a theatre!

Ustinov once told me of a Hungarian sommelier who could apparently sense a drop of prosecco in a gallon of chardonnay but I don't know if he was pulling my leg or not!

But now I have another rant(conteur!) for you!

It was a rainy Tuesday afternoon in 2001 and I had just returned from the local service station where I had purchased some much-needed bog rolls and a fire log. Having deposited my groceries I immediately  adjourned to my study, where I had some spread sheets that needed checking. I own a little shipping business in Malaysia and am very 'hands on' with the running of the thing! I was eager to finish the day's business however, as I had a 3,000-page novel exploring the socio-political structure of 10th century Mongolia still to finish writing!

However my endeavours where abruptly cut short by the shrill trilling of my telephone. I answered it in haste, suspecting perhaps my wife calling to inquire about the gardener being around. Little did I known the drama that was about to unfold.



"Hello, is that Mr. Suchet?"

"Yes, this is he. How may I help you?"

"Mr. Suchet I'm calling from the Georgian Embassy. We have a bit of crisis on our hands. Knowing your skills as a raconteur, philosopher and genius we thought you might be able to help!"

"You flatter me sir, but please go on!"

"An Albania spy has become trapped on the roof of the embassy. We are wondering if you would be able to talk him down?"

"Send him up a mobile phone. I'll do my best."

I chatted with the rattled spy for well over hour and we discovered a shared love of gourmet cheese from around the world. That seemed to do the trick.

"Gorgonzola is a particular favourite of mine. Now come down off the roof there's a good chap."

The Ambassador couldn't thank me enough for my efforts and sent me two tickets to some posh Russian ballet. But it was all in a day's work for a raconteur such as myself!

PlanktonSideburns

God he really looks like bald Adam Buxton in the second picture in the op

Glebe



Ah, my dear friends, welcome back! We'll have to stop meeting like this!

So far I've regaled you with tales both whimsical and mysterious, but I was never in any real peril on these amusing adventures. Now let me tell you about the time I foiled the plans of a vicious killer... on the set of a murder-mystery programme!

I have played many roles in my acting career, everything from a the villain in 1996's Executive Decision to a Dalek in an old episode of Doctor Who that was sadly wiped. But my most famous part is undoubtedly that of Hercule Poirot in the long-running ITV series based on Agatha Christie's detective novels.

Hercule and I are very much alike, with a keen nose for a mystery and a taste for the finer things in life. Alas, that I had the great investigator's sharp wits! Nevertheless, my own meagre talents with a mystery were brought to the fore during filming of a episode in 2002.

We were on the grounds of a stately mansion in beautiful Hampshire, and it was a sunny spring afternoon. Suddenly, a cry went up; "A dead man, a dead man!"

Myself and several other members of the film crew went rushing in the direction of the call. There we found a tea lady in some distress. She was standing over the inert body of the location manager, Bert.

"Clear the area everybody," cried Tony the second unit director, "I'm calling the police!" The crowd broke up but there were various murmurings among the departing throng. As I returned to my monogrammed deckchair a sudden realisation occurred to me; hadn't there been a suspicious-looking mark on one of the mansion's outer windowsills, just near the body?

The police weren't even on there way at this point but I had already solved the mystery. I gathered everyone around the crime scene and gave my verdict.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you see here before you a body. You assume, I imagine, that it just had a heart attack or a heavy stroke. But look here! This nearby windowsill is soiled with traces of arsenic. And see! A discarded sandwich wrapper on the grass here. That sandwich wrapper belonged to the body, who was named Bert when he was alive. The much-loved location manager was eating his lunch by the windowsill. I will now ask Tony, our assistant director, to empty his pockets!"

Tony gave a start. But he had nowhere to run. He emptied the contents of his coat pockets onto the grass... a nail file, two Fox's Glacier Mints, a fidget spinner, a condom... and a small vile of arsenic!

The police arrived just in time to arrest Tony, while I received much praise and numerous slaps on the back. "Hurrah for David! Suchet's won the day!" Of course the irony of me playing one of fiction's greatest murder-solvers was not lost on anyone, and it remains one of the most unusual days in my raconteurial life!

You take care now! Thanks!