Earth Shattering Local News

[syntaxerror]

I saw that, worked out the maths, then actually read the article. fml.

[boggenstrovia]

It must be pretty normal where I live, I cannot recall any story in the past six months to be claimed as amusing or off the wall, either that or we don't have mutant chips...

Well apart from this...

http://www.portsmouth.co.uk/news/it-s-a-cat-s-life-1-5310433

[Big Jack McBastard]

'I thought it was the perfect picture.'

That's so damn lazy they even missed the obvious pun.

[Blumf]

http://www.expressandstar.com/news/2013/07/24/girl-5-trapped-on-board-thomas-the-tank-engine-ride-at-merry-hill/

Thomas the Tank Engine will never be the same again for one Black Country youngster – after she became trapped in a themed ride.

The five-year-old girl became stuck in the amusement ride-sized children's television favourite in Dudley's Merry Hill shopping centre after she realised she was too big to get out of the little train – after she had already settled herself in the driver's seat.

[Zetetic]

It's odd to think that now she'll live, love and die in that ride.

[Birdie]

Front page news:

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/9060769/Beehive-goes-into-lockdown

[Kawaii Five-O]

I wanted to read about the logisitical nightmare of locking down an actual beehive, full of bees, Birdie. Swizz.

Meanwhile, back in Broken Britain:

http://www.southwales-eveningpost.co.uk/Drunk-man-child-s-playhouse/story-19667485-detail/story.html

What I like best about this reporting is the way it manages to achieve a really weird balance between dramatic tension and crushing mundanity.

Police opened the door and found Lewis was asleep and could not be woken even when they shook him.

[Hank_Kingsley]

http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/News/Drunk-mob-attack-woman-in-170000-Lamborghini-in-Royston-20130816163038.htm

I hope to God that class war has broken out in Royston.

It seems the victim of this obvious hate crime is engaged in a BTL flame war with local news trolls.

http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/News/A-Cambridge-man-who-threatened-to-torch-a-mosque-has-been-banned-from-the-citys-Islamic-centres-20130816164812.htm

This one is a bit absurd, man in question is banned from Islamic centres rather than pubs which would make more sense as he's a violent alcoholic. Some lovely comments which warmed my heart.

[Cerys]

http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/News/Drunk-mob-attack-woman-in-170000-Lamborghini-in-Royston-20130816163038.htm

Except a 'drunk mob' didn't attack a woman.  A drunk man jumped on a car and a crowd of people watched.  Bloody journalistic exaggeration.

[Uncle TechTip]

Except a 'drunk mob' didn't attack a woman.  A drunk man jumped on a car and a crowd of people watched.  Bloody journalistic exaggeration.

The victim herself has sought to correct the inaccuracies in the report:

"ONLY 1 MAN JUMPED UP ON MY CAR! A GROUP OF DRINKERS WATCHED FROM AD HOC AND TOM'S BAR! NO ONE HELPED ME INSTEAD WOMEN LAUGHED AND FOUND IT SO ENTERTAINING! I JUST HOPE THAT THE PPL THAT FOUND IT FUNNY DONT HAVE CHILDREN THAT COME HOME ONE DAY AND TELL YOU THAT THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO THEM AS IT DID ME!"

[Pijlstaart]

Sounds like a mob to me. These bloody paupers are like cattle.

[Subtle Mocking]

CHESTER DESCENDS INTO MAYHEM

[Pijlstaart]

CHESTER DESCENDS INTO MAYHEM

These garden ornaments never have much oomph to them, a fools weapon.

When I was about 6 or 7, my mother won an ornamental hedgehog in some bizarre garden center competition but never put it in the garden. She just left it on the kitchen worktop, a house hedgehog. I naturally grew attached to the house hedgehog and for about a month would stow it about my person whenever I left the house. One day we were visiting my grandparents in Ilford and I had elected to put the house hedgehog in the hood of my coat so I could have both hands free for hugging grandparents or scaling walls or wanking or whatever it was I used hands for back in those days. Of course I forgot about the house hedgehog completely, and when we left my grandparent's house it started to rain. Acting quickly I put my hood up to protect my wee young bonce, catapulting the house hedgehog over my shoulder at the same time. It hit the hubcap of our car, but didn't even set off the car alarm. House hedgehog smashed into pieces, almost completely disintegrated, so I am shocked that a car - garden ornament confrontation would be treated so seriously by the people of Chester.

[buttgammon]

In fairness, Chester is a place where nothing ever happens (though it isn't heaven). At least we get enough serious, violent crime in Wrexham to keep our own version of that paper more interesting.

Oh, hang on.

Farmer regrets renting field out

Not as much of a non-story as it sounds but I like the headline.

[DrunkCountry]

Possibly the best news story from the Valleys for years.

Merthyr Town Football Club is to rename its ground the Cigg-e Stadium after its sponsor, an electronic cigarette firm.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-23779140

[billtheburger]

Rumours of Clown Gang Kidnapping Ring Unfortunately Untrue

[Guy]

CHESTER DESCENDS INTO MAYHEM

A rarity: the pull-quote being even funnier than the sad headline

[The Masked Unit]

Rumours of Clown Gang Kidnapping Ring Unfortunately Untrue

Surely that deserves a thread of its own? Has poo been informed?

[billtheburger]

The thread even asked me that because it hadn't been used in 90 days, but I'm a little self conscious about such matters.
My favorite part of the story is

Jane King said: "My daughter was well scared."

[MojoJojo]

http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/News/How-do-you-eat-yours-Drunk-man-brandishes-creme-egg-as-a-weapon-in-Cambridge-city-centre-20140122060044.htm

"He then showed Mr Russell a Cadbury Creme Egg and said he would smash him in the face with it and that he will splatter Creme Egg all over his head.

[holyzombiejesus]

Haven't the people of Stoke-On-Trent suffered enough?

Families warned of scam as doorstep trickster sells packs of six High Lane Oatcakes for the price of 12

FAMILIES are falling victim to a doorstep trickster behind an oatcake scam.

They have paid £2 for 12 oatcakes to a woman going door to door selling High Lane Oatcakes – only to later discover just six in a pack.

Several victims have complained about the scam after the con woman reportedly targeted homes in Smallthorne, Norton, Fegg Hayes, Burslem and Chell.

Now shop staff have started cutting up surplus oatcakes before throwing them away – amid fears a con woman was raiding their bins to sell on the Potteries delicacy.



High Lane Oatcakes sells a dozen oatcakes for £2.36 and a pack of six for £1.19.

Owner Jane Gavin, of Knypersley, said: "We don't know where these oatcakes could have come from. We were frightened they might have come from the bins but we are convinced that's not the case.


The 48-year-old added: "We never sell door to door. We supply two shops in Smallthorne and we were going to put posters in the windows there warning people."

The trickster – who is in her 30s and has brown hair – has been seen selling the oatcakes in Community Drive and Leek Road, in Smallthorne.

One 84-year-old victim said: "I'm disgusted. If I saw her again I would punch her in the face. They can throw me in jail if they want to."

Heather Pring, aged 58, whose mother has fallen to the scam, said: "This woman seems to be targeting the elderly because she's visited all the bungalows in Smallthorne.

"I'm not happy. It may not be threatening but she's taken money from my mother. It's not much but it all adds up, and my mum paid £2 for something that's just over £1."

A warning has also been issued to pensioners at Smallthorne Community Centre.

Committee member Neil Hawkins, aged 62, of Haven Avenue, Sneyd Green, said: "I don't like any pensioners being duped. This is just ripping vulnerable people off and that's not on. The eyes are watching now, everybody is aware of it."

Kay Reed, of Coseley Street, Smallthorne, who has seen the woman in Community Drive, said: "She was carrying a wicker basket. I thought she was maybe trying to sell fish like they used to do in pubs.

"She looked pretty normal. Middle-aged, with mousey hair. She didn't look scruffy or anything."

Husband Paul added: "I can't really see her making millions out of this."

http://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/Families-warned-scam-doorstep-trickster-sells/story-20781742-detail/story.html

Sleep well. Don't have nightmares.

[BlodwynPig]

One 84-year-old victim said: "I'm disgusted. If I saw her again I would punch her in the face. They can throw me in jail if they want to."

Cue Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle Series 4 bit.

[Birdie]

"She was carrying a wicker basket. I thought she was maybe trying to sell fish like they used to do in pubs.

What?  Did this used to happen?

[BlodwynPig]

What?  Did this used to happen?

In Dickens' most obscure work. Whistle for your Whelks.

[MojoJojo]

There used to be a guy who did welks and other disgusting slimy food in the Hobbit in Southampton.

Like the first comment on this story: http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/News/RAF-Brampton-has-been-sold-to-St-Ives-developers-Campbell-Buchanan-20140312142035.htm

Yet another airfield makes way for development. Its ironic that at a time of 'blame the immigrants' for our real and often imaginary problems, that the most pushy and failed immigrant of them all, a Mr Adolf Hitler is the most influential person in British so called urban planning.

Although I don't really know what they are getting at.

[holyzombiejesus]

What?  Did this used to happen?

I remember the seafood man going round the pubs in Manchester as late as the mid nineties. He actually gave me a lift home once. He used to walk into pubs and roar "Seafood, y'all" and then everyone would go up to him and ask him if he had crabs. He didn't really sell fish, more like crab sticks and horrible stuff like that, but he did have a wicker basket.

The picture of that guy cutting up the oatcakes looks like he's cutting up meat rather than the food of the gods. It's actually quite upsetting to see beautiful oatcakes being willfully destroyed like that. If I saw him doing it, I would punch him in the face. They can throw me in jail if they want to.

Heather Pring, aged 58, whose mother has fallen to the scam, said: "This woman seems to be targeting the elderly because she's visited all the bungalows in Smallthorne.

"I'm not happy. It may not be threatening but she's taken money from my mother. It's not much but it all adds up, and my mum paid £2 for something that's just over £1."

It's easy to scoff but just remember, in Stoke-On-Trent, £1 can buy you a house, or half the Port Vale squad.

[SetToStun]

Yep - I remember the fish man coming into the Phoenix every Sunday. He carried a basket of shellfish (odd, because there was free shellfish on the bar, which the landlord had bought off him in the first place), but he had proper fish in the van if you wanted it. I never bought any fish from him, in much the same way I never claimed my prize in the meat raffle if it was sausages. Some things are just too high-risk for me.

[BlodwynPig]

I once declined a Meat Feast pizza at a bric-a-brac event.

[biggytitbo]

[Gurke and Hare]