Stuff you never actually use

[Beagle 2]

I've got to ask Neil, what's an egg toastie, how does it work!? Googling reveals some people saying they put a raw egg in two slices of bread, what witchcraft is this? If there is a new way to consume egg, I must know.

[23 Daves]

The delusion that you need to buy loads of shit to make you thin (in the place of actual effort) is a constant source of irritation for me.

Yeah, the Wii seems to achieve nothing on that score - God knows how long you'd have to use it for to actually see some visible benefit, but for me in the end getting a decent pair of training shoes and going out running every other day was the answer to my lack of fitness.  Imagine that, eh?  (Though to be fair, the trainers only cost about 25% less than the Wii).

My wife bought a crosstrainer with the idea being that she'd keep fit on it as well.  It takes up nearly half the spare room, has to be dismantled and stowed away somewhere whenever we have guests staying over, and I would estimate gets used once a month.  Not entirely "useless" then, but for the amount we spent on it certainly a borderline case.  The trouble is, it's dull to use and rather impractical - as soon as you start to do any real, hard exercise on it you just get boiling hot and uncomfortable because you're pedalling away like a maniac in a centrally heated house.  It's more effective than the Wii at keeping you fit, but you'd still be better off just going out for a run.

[Thursday]

My wife bought a crosstrainer with the idea being that she'd keep fit on it as well.  It takes up nearly half the spare room, has to be dismantled and stowed away somewhere whenever we have guests staying over.

Assembling and disassembling it, is probably a good form of exercise.

[Mr Eggs]

I've got to ask Neil, what's an egg toastie, how does it work!? Googling reveals some people saying they put a raw egg in two slices of bread, what witchcraft is this? If there is a new way to consume egg, I must know.

This madness must end.

[ziggy starbucks]

I've got to ask Neil, what's an egg toastie, how does it work!? Googling reveals some people saying they put a raw egg in two slices of bread, what witchcraft is this? If there is a new way to consume egg, I must know.

are you sure you really want to know? Are you truly willing to gaze directly into the egg of terror knowing the consequences will be insanity at best and complete flesh mutation at worst?

Look at what happened to Neil and step back from the brink

[Neil]

I've got to ask Neil, what's an egg toastie, how does it work!? Googling reveals some people saying they put a raw egg in two slices of bread, what witchcraft is this? If there is a new way to consume egg, I must know.

Heh, I've been meaning to respond to the tag. Put your first bit of buttered bread down, then make a dent in it with the back of a spoon. Season, add a bit of cheese or whatever, crack the egg into the spoony dent, then slap the other bit of bread on. Experience will teach you the timing, but you can test by poking the bread with a knife or fork. I like it runny.

Voila, egginafuckintoasty.

[mook]

Voila, egginafuckintoasty.

pics, or it didn't happen.

[Uncle TechTip]

I know I am.  Not really.  But I totally understand the photo thing.  I am a private person, I'm not a Facebook person or a twitterer, I've never uploaded a photo of myself onto the big internet.  I want to keep it that way, I would be quite[nb]very fucking, more like.[/nb] annoyed by anyone who decided I didn't have the right to make that decision for myself.  So there.

No, these are first world problems, please understand. Not that the original notion of taking photographs and transferring them onto a medium with zero-cost duplication and propagation is a first world problem. But you objecting to that most certainly is.

To try and draw a comparison between instant propagation & loss of control of your image with people looking using their eyes is rather bizarre and slightly disingenuous. Even if it was the 80s and you took a picture of me coked up to the nipples, the picture is unlikely to propagate further than our social circle.

Just open up any meme-bollocks site - would you want to be that guy?

I use my Formby grill every day.

EVERY FUCKING DAY!

No wonder you're in the midst of a heart attack.

[Dusty Gozongas]

pics, or it didn't happen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18gmkF8uNEw

[momatt]

My wife bought a crosstrainer with the idea being that she'd keep fit on it as well.

Is your wife also my girlfriend?  My apologies if so.
She is also threatening to buy a crosstrainer.  It's not like we've got loads of money to chuck away on shit like this.  We've already got loads of places to hang coats on too.

I have offered to go running with her whenever she wants instead (knowing full well this will NEVER happen).

[mook]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18gmkF8uNEw

meh. CGI.

[23 Daves]

Is your wife also my girlfriend?  My apologies if so.
She is also threatening to buy a crosstrainer.  It's not like we've got loads of money to chuck away on shit like this.  We've already got loads of places to hang coats on too.

If she must buy one, she'll find loads on ebay and Gumtree being sold by other people who bought them with the best of intentions then never used them.  This alone should tell her something, though. 

I have offered to go running with her whenever she wants instead (knowing full well this will NEVER happen).

Yes, what is it about exercising outside in the real world and having wildlife, passing people and places to look at which people find so awful?  Why would people rather be sweating in the spare room on a ridiculous exercise contraption instead, all the time whilst staring at the damp patches in the wallpaper?  For that matter, why do people pay extortionate sums of money to join gyms just so they can exercise indoors?  If we lived in a climate of extreme temperatures I'd understand it. 

[thepuffpastryhangman]

Joining a gym works, or can do. Like Sting's car, it's warm and dry. And clean. And you're there to do a job. Whereas running outside, not only do you look daft, unless you're already pretty competent, it's just so uninviting. If you live somewhere nice, then sure, it ain't so bad, but you still get your stuff dirty, wet etc and it needs washing before you go again and it's worse for knees and ankles than using a running machine. And harder to measure progress. You're far more likely to find forty minutes for an intensive gym run than for a weather prohibitive jog around a grotty B road. That said, I intend to jog on a path soon, starting in March, we'll see.

Anyway, worse than not using stuff is losing stuff. Earlier today I had my sunglasses stolen after leaving them on a self service till in a supermarket. They got it on CCTV, but they weren't insured, pah. And I use 'em most days, bloody annoying. Hopefully it'll spur me on to sell some crap I never use in order to replace them. Again, we'll see.

[Buelligan]

No, these are first world problems, please understand. Not that the original notion of taking photographs and transferring them onto a medium with zero-cost duplication and propagation is a first world problem. But you objecting to that most certainly is.

To try and draw a comparison between instant propagation & loss of control of your image with people looking using their eyes is rather bizarre and slightly disingenuous. Even if it was the 80s and you took a picture of me coked up to the nipples, the picture is unlikely to propagate further than our social circle.

Sorry, perhaps I didn't explain myself fully;  It is possible that one day, I might wish to do something unconventional.  I'm not saying I will, not at all, but I like to plan ahead, keep all my options open, for this reason I don't use plastic cards for money.  I don't join stuff where identification is required.  I never publish photographs and try to avoid others taking my picture, just in case.  This isn't about first world or any other world, it's just about me controlling my own destiny as much as I possibly can.

[CaledonianGonzo]

Yes, what is it about exercising outside in the real world and having wildlife, passing people and places to look at which people find so awful?  Why would people rather be sweating in the spare room on a ridiculous exercise contraption instead, all the time whilst staring at the damp patches in the wallpaper?  For that matter, why do people pay extortionate sums of money to join gyms just so they can exercise indoors?  If we lived in a climate of extreme temperatures I'd understand it.

As Puff says, gyms are warm and dry - and you can also watch the telly while you're exercising.  Also, they don't just have exercise machine but a whole host of weights and other fitness equipment like rowing machines and kettle-bells and the like, so you can vary your routine a bit rather than just jogging.

[momatt]

If she must buy one, she'll find loads on ebay and Gumtree being sold by other people who bought them with the best of intentions then never used them.  This alone should tell her something, though. 

A very good point!  I shall suggest this, so at least we could have a big annoying useless object for CHEAP.  Or maybe even free.

Yes, what is it about exercising outside in the real world and having wildlife, passing people and places to look at which people find so awful?

Couldn't agree more.  Though I regularly go to my free office gym, I would never pay for it.

She doesn't want the neighbours to see her running.  Which is silly, because even if they did give a shit, we would just be a blur of whirling, sexy arms and legs, whizzing past their twitching net-curtains.
And our neighbours are mostly squirrels and cows where we live anyway.

they don't just have exercise machine but a whole host of weights and other fitness equipment

True, but irrelevent if you don't actually go there.

[Dusty Gozongas]

Sorry, perhaps I didn't explain myself fully;  It is possible that one day, I might wish to do something unconventional. [...] This isn't about first world or any other world, it's just about me controlling my own destiny as much as I possibly can.

That wasn't the original premise though[nb]

Isn't it that it'd be nice to be shown your own wedding photos before they get shared with the public at large?

[/nb]. We were talking wedding photos, which are pretty public as opposed to never standing in front of a camera on principle.

[23 Daves]

She doesn't want the neighbours to see her running.  Which is silly, because even if they did give a shit, we would just be a blur of whirling, sexy arms and legs, whizzing past their twitching net-curtains.

This is something I hear a lot.  "But supposing I look silly?"  I suppose as somebody somewhere has always thought I'm daft for most of my life, I'm just not bothered by things like that anymore. The only thing I find about running in public is that some people will think you're a pain in the arse for politely asking them to move out of the way if they and their cohorts are blocking up the whole pavement.  Those are about the only awkward social moments I get.  Anyway, it's interesting that the very same people who worry about looking daft while they're running don't seem to worry about looking stupid when they're dancing in clubs, even though they probably should. 

And honestly you people, what's wrong with a bit of weather?  I'm usually able to go out running 3-4 a week, and I'm only holed up indoors (when the crosstrainer gets used instead) if there's snow, ice or torrential rain.  But we get those a lot less frequentlyin Britain  than you'd suppose, trust me.  This is all propaganda pushed on you by incredibly expensive gyms - "Join us for £100 a month or you'll NEVER do any exercise!" Even when there's a bit of light rain, you get used to the feeling after about three minutes of running and stop thinking about it. 

[Blue Jam]

The delusion that you need to buy loads of shit to make you thin (in the place of actual effort) is a constant source of irritation for me.

I don't cycle anymore but I've banged on about the reasons for that elsewhere. That said I used to enjoy cycling while I always found using exercise bikes really boring.

My last flatmate was a serial collector of fitness gimmicks promising a shortcut to weight loss, the kind of things which sound too good to be true because they are. He had a Slendertone Flex belt which did fuck-all, a George Foreman grill which hardly saw any use (though seeing how much oil came out of the food he put in it was a bit of an eye-opener), weights, a sit-up machine, loads of faddy diet foods, supplements and diet books, protein shakes which cause fat gain unless they're used to complement regular exercise, and of course loads of back issues of Men's Health, which he'd make a point of reading conspicuously while sat on his arse... and a bike which would have been useful if it hadn't been left outside rusting. I had another flatmate who used to do the "conspicuous reading of Men's Health" thing while also talking about how he was going to go to the gym every day.

I love the covers of Men's Health for the fact that they always feature at least one "Make her scream for more"/"Keep her satisfied for hours"/"Take her (and definitely not him) to Cloud Nine"-type story on the cover so the buyer can pretend they're not buying a magazine more homoerotic than a lot of gay porn (probably). I'm convinced the target market for Men's Health is closeted gay men who are just too frightened to be seen buying Gay Times:



Ahem... anyway, I own one pair of weights which I use most days, they were a b@rgain from TK Maxx and don't take up much room so they're fine, better than the step machine I used to own which I found strangely impossible to use and which I just kept tripping over.

[Consignia]

100% useful? That's a bold claim I bet they couldn't back up.

[Blue Jam]

Ahahahah, I hadn't spotted that! Apologies for going off topic as this magazine clearly has no place in a "Stuff you never actually use" thread. I must find the special 0% useful edition.

[dr beat]

Well maybe just a last word on Mens Health/Mens Fitness, I think there's a growing realization amongst many that they are a load of faddy nonsense.  Even when I was younger and more impressionable I tried following the routines and thought they were shite.

[holyzombiejesus]

My potato ricer was used about 4 times and then consigned to that kitchen drawer reserved for tea towels, birthday candles, straws, dead batteries and a leaky hot water bottle.

I've got loads of cameras that I never use and probably never will. There's a 3-D camera, a couple of Holgas, about 3 of those that take 8 shots in one go, a fish-eye lomo and about 5 Super 8 cameras that I can't remember if they're functional or not.

[doppelkorn]

My potato ricer was used about 4 times and then consigned to that kitchen drawer reserved for tea towels, birthday candles, straws, dead batteries and a leaky hot water bottle.

I don't understand why they're called that. There is no such verb "to rice".

"What are you doing to those potatoes mate?

"Oh I'm just ricing them. Given' 'em a good rice."

What comes out doesn't bear any resemblance to rice.

[Replies From View]

I don't understand why they're called that. There is no such verb "to rice".

"What are you doing to those potatoes mate?

"Oh I'm just ricing them. Given' 'em a good rice."

What comes out doesn't bear any resemblance to rice.

To turn to rice, shurely?

[sick as a pike]

What comes out doesn't bear any resemblance to rice.

Resemblance to rice.

[doppelkorn]

They're just big garlic presses and nobody "rices" garlic. That picture looks more like vermicelli. No! I won't have it![nb]Please, for fuck's sake, PLEASE don't neg me for this. I'm this[nb]"this"[/nb] close to going postal.[/nb]

[Neil]

What sort of a sick cunt wants their spuds to look like that?

[CaledonianGonzo]

Once you've riced your tatties you can press them through a sieve and it gives you the smoothest mash you'll ever have.

[doppelkorn]

I get a caged civet to pre-digest all my food for maximum smoothness[nb]Except the undigestable bits, which provide a welcome, coffee-ey contrast[/nb].

Roast dinner in => Stripe of smooth, stinky dinner paste out.