Tip jar

If you like CaB and wish to support it, you can use PayPal or KoFi. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy the site - Neil.

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Support CaB

Recent

Welcome to Cook'd and Bomb'd. Please login or sign up.

March 28, 2024, 10:26:20 AM

Login with username, password and session length

The Great Dickinson Slave Revolt!

Started by Glebe, June 23, 2021, 05:59:55 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

THE GREAT DICKINSON SLAVE REVOLT!

Theme music.



"A drone has snapped pictures of what - according to woke 'human rights groups - is apparently a kind of 'slave labour' camp on the grounds of TV antiques expert David Dickinson's stately home. The drone was 'generously guided by a passing seagull, who appeared to be 'intelligently' steering it in the direction of Dickinson's home. More as it develops. Alastair Stewart, GB News."

"They're on to us, Ada!" cried Dickinson, switching off the TV. "Come on - get the army fatigues out of storage. I'll have Havers organise the troop carriers. IT IS TIME."



Within the hour, Dickinson had donned his officers uniform and had his entire work crew dressed and ready in 'Soldier Mode'. He went out to address his forces on what would later become known a 'D-Day' ('Dickinson'-Day).

"Alright, men. My private grounds have been discovered, and have already been described by the media as a 'slave camp'. I know none of you feel like 'slaves', and are glad to work a fair day's hard labour for below-minimum wage! Now we've practiced and prepared for this... we'll have to move to Dickinson-Con 4, my secret plantation for such emergences.

"We'll be mobilising at 22:00 HOURS. Havers will be leading the caravan of troop buses; Swashy, you go on the second bus, with the non-celeb ex-BBC/ITV cameramen and technicians I have in my employ. H from Steps will be taking a foot patrol through the bush. Bryan, you go with H. Bobby, you'll be my second-in-Command. You've earned it, son. Ainsley will handle rations - by the way, it's great to have you back in the fold mate, you can organise some 'moveable feasts' on stop-offs during manoeuvres!

"In the meantime, Ada has brewed up several flasks of tea, and there are sandwiches, jaffas and ginger nuts in y'packs too. She's a little diamond, is Ada - she's taken charge of the Women's Contingent, led by Sandi Toksvig. It only remains for me to wish you all luck. We will fight them on the beaches. We will fight them on the allotments. We will fight them in the greenhouses!"



And so Dickinson's Army began it's long journey, buoyed by their Commander's rousing speech. But it wasn't long before dissent stirred in the ranks, and it all started with a whispered conversation between former Blue Peter presenter Mark Curry and Mr. T.

"Phew... this terrain is heavy going! I wish we were paid more!"

"Quit your jibber-jabber, Curry! I pity the fool who doesn't obey Dickinson's rules! Although now you mention it, yes, we have been working like dogs for a pittance all this time... and now we have become soldiers in Dickinson's brutal regime! I wonder if we're finally going to see some kind of revolution?"

TO BE CONTINUED!

dr beat

Any substance in the rumours that Matt Hancock has been spotted in military fatigues around the Dickinson estate?

Glebe

Quote from: dr beat on June 27, 2021, 12:38:29 PMAny substance in the rumours that Matt Hancock has been spotted in military fatigues around the Dickinson estate?

Watch this space!

Mr Farenheit

At 22:00 hours sharp the convoy sets off. "Where to, David?" asks Havers at the wheel.

"To the high ground Havers, we'll lose them up there."

"Yes sir!" chirps Havers and crunches the bus into gear. The great convoy sets off and Havers puts on a special mix tape from David: "Dickinson's Drive of Your Life vol.1". The first track is CW McCall's classic 'Convoy'- it's the perfect track to start things off.

"That's the spirit," says David patting Havers on the thigh. "Wake me up in the morning will yeh? I'm turning in. Oh, and fast forward when it gets to Teddy Bear by Red Sovine, we have to keep morale up. You're doing a good job Nigel," says David squeesing Nigel's thigh "A really good job"

David and Ada retire to the plywood-walled 'executive cabin'. The rest of the gang stretch out on the floor- every bus in the convoy has had the seats removed to accommodate David's antiques hoard.

Next morning the convoy has made a lot of ground and there's been no sign of trouble. The troop buses park in an abandoned race-course for a well earned break. Its a sunny day, Ainsley is manning the mobile barbecue and Ada is serving glasses of 7-Up. An impromptu kickaround is going on, Euro 2020 fever being very much in the air.

David lets the troops tire themselves out before setting off again. "The high ground, Nigel. You're ready?"

Havers gulps. "Yes, David".

The buses set off to the high ground with Havers in the lead. The road conditions worsen as they drive up into the hills, the turns are steeper and narrower the further they go. At one point the back end of the bus hangs out over the abyss as it sweeps around a hairpin. Nigel and David are nervous but in the back the boys are oblivious and singing along boisterously to 'Three Lions'. Most have changed from their khakis into England scarves and tracksuits.

Then it happens. As they go around another tight turn, Havers can feel the back wheel slip off the road edge. "Gun it Havers!" David shouts but Havers only succeeds in pulling the bus into a skid- it finally comes to a halt with the bus balancing precariously over the edge of the cliff!

Inside its obvious to everyone that there is an elephant in the bus, or to be precise the crate that contains a some stone elephant sculptures from the reign of Trajan, stolen by the Nazis and purchased by David on the dark web. Stored at the back of the bus, the immense weight threatens to tip the bus over the edge.

"Everybody very slowly, move as far to the front as you can get" says David taking command. Everyone inches back in silence.

David starts to crawl towards the crate but it slips even further toward the back!

"Hang on a minute lads. I've got a great idea...."








"Eh......"

Mr Farenheit

As the bus slowly tilts towards its doom, it seems like its the end of Dickinson's army....

Then suddenly a cheery Australian voice is heard from below the bus.

"Hey mates, need a hand?"

David and the gang can hardly believe it as the bus slowly moves back on to the road propelled by their unknown benefactor below who can be heard singing as he saves everybody's lives. "Mysterious bus, let me get under you"

Everyone piles out of the bus to find their hero- its the shirtless heart-throb Peter Andre! "G'day mates!" he smiles.






A lot of the lads are speechless after their near-death experience and can only stand there open mouthed. "Cor, look at his muscles" whispers Bobby audibly. Finally Bryan Ferry breaks the ice. "Peter! thanks for saving us all, I'm a huge fan of your music, the production on your second album is~"

"Peter, mate. Y'showed up at just the right moment." interrupts David.

"I thought you might be coming this way, and I knew these roads are terrible. Happy I could be of help!"

"Great stuff. Y'know what? we could use a strong lad like you. How would you like to join the team? I can start you off on two pounds fifty."

"Bloody ripper! I've dreamed of working for you for ages Mr. D!"

"You won't regret it. Here, lift me up will you?"

The singing strongman easily lifts David above his head to rally the troops. "Make no mistake, lads. Dickinson's Army is going places- I have a dream! There may be tough days ahead but we will reach that promised land and we will never surrender. As god is my witness, I will never be hungry again!"




Glebe

"Welcome aboard, Pete, and thanks for your 'deus ex machina' intervention! Now... pull over here, Havers!"

"Eh?! But we've still miles to go, David!"

"Oh no we don't - my secret encampment is around here!"

A few hours later, David's barmy army had settled in for what looked like an extended stay.

"What's your next move David?" inquired H from Steps.

"We'll lay low here for a few weeks and see what Johnson plans to do. He doesn't seem to have mobilised the British Army against us yet!"

Just then, Bobby Davro came running up in a state of distress.

"Calm down, Bobby! What's going on?"

"Pant.. it's Mark Curry and Mr. T, David! They've done a legger!"

"Right. H, get a team together and search the area. Bobby, stay here and keep an eye on the main area. As for me, I'm going to have a chat with the troops and see what I can find out!"



Pretty soon, David had gathered together some of the cream of his organisation, and was interrogating them with great gusto.

"ATTEN-TION! You lot, stand up straight! Former Blue Peter presenter Simon Groom - what happened?"

"You'll get nothing out of me, David! I ain't talking!"

"Have it your way, mate! Jeanette Krankie, why are you wearing that pith helmet? We ain't in the jungle, love!"

"Och, fair enough, David! It's too big f'mae wee head an' anyway!"

David turned next to Phil Cool, but the rubber-faced funnyman remained silent. Then he noticed that David Hasselhoff was beginning to look uncomfortable.

"What about you, 'The Hoff'? Anything to say?"

Hasselhoff had remained quiet up until then, but he finally began to crack.

"Curry and Mr. T... they became disenfranchised with your regime, and began sowing the seeds of revolution! There's dissent in the ranks... the peasants are revolting!"

"Hmmm... well we'll soon stamp that out!"



But David was going to have a fight on his hands. Over in the barracks, plans were already afoot for 'The Big Escape' - and it was the surprising ingenuity of Wacaday legend Timmy Mallett that was to prove the catylst!

"Psst... Russ! Take a look at this!"

Russ Abbot looked at the parchment Timmy had handed him in astonishment. "This is a map of the area, Tim! Where did you find it?"

"B.A. Baracus gave it me before him and Mark Curry escaped," smiled Tim. "This could be our passport to freedom!"

"Too right! I'll tell you what, when we get out of here we'll have the party to end all parties! I love a party with a happy atmosphere!"

"Not now, Russ!" cautioned Henry Kelly. "There'll be time for celebration later... Scott Baio, what do you make of it?"

The former Joanie Loves Chachi star studied the document carefully. "Hmmm... you limeys make weird maps, but I reckon this will prove invaluable!"



Meanwhile, over at the Women's Quarters, Sandy Toksvig, Janet Ellis, renowned news presenter/reporter Zeinab Badawi and Brigette Neilson were guarding some supplies when Sandy Toksvig suddenly spoke up.

"Have you lot heard? Curry and Mr. T done a bunk!"

"No way!" gasped Jane Ellis. "So the revolution is beginning..."

"Yes, and I'm thinking of joining it myself," stated Toksvig. "Doing a bit of gardening for Dickinson to supplement my meagre BBC income was one thing, I never thought I'd be a soldier in his guerrilla army!"

"I feel the same," noted Ellis. "Before all this kicked off, he'd had his eyes on my daughter, Sophie Ellis-Bextor... he was just waiting for her royalties to dry up before snagging her for some cheap gardening work!"

"I've had enough too," added Zeinab Badawi. "I'd heard rumour that my former C4 News colleague Jon Snow - that's the presenter, not the Game of Thrones character, Bridgette - had being strong-armed by Dickinson recently."

"Right then. It's decided," bellowed Toksvig, "we shall join the cause! Vive la révolution!"

"I'll er, come too," commented Brigette Nielson.

TOO BE CONTINUED!

Glebe



By now most of the encampment was ready for the uprising, but for some it was too much to take.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" cried Bonnie Langford.

"Calm down Bonnie," reassured Langford's EastEnders co-star Richard Blackwood. "We just need to hear back from Mark Curry and Mr. T... wherever they are, I'm sure they're gathering reinforcements!"



In another, calmer, area of the barracks, Jan Francis and one of the Riddlers from The Riddlers were deep in conversation.

"It's all going off now, isn't it, one of the Riddlers?"

"It certainly is," replied one of the Riddlers. "Whichever one of the Riddlers I am, I am prepared to join in the revolt against the tyrant Commander Dickinson. Oh by the way Jan, many know you from John Sullivan sitcom Just Good Friends in which you starred alongside Paul Nicholas, but I am particularly fond of the Hammer House of Mystery and Suspense episode 'The Corvini Inheritance', in which you appeared alongside David McCallum!"

"Thanks, one of the Riddlers. For my part, my kids used to watch The Riddlers and the theme tune used to really put the shits up us all!"

Meanwhile, far away from Dickinson's encampment, two figures stop for a breather near a small copse.

"Puff... fuck me, Mr. T, I'm knackered! Let's just rest here awhile!"

"Pant... yeah, good idea, Mark Curry!"

Suddenly, a voice piped up from behind the Blue Peter presenter and The A-Team star.

"Gasp... wait for me, you two!"

It was Curry's former BP colleague, Peter Duncan!

"Peter! What are YOU doing here?!?"

"I saw you climbing over the wall and decided to make a break for it myself!" answered Duncan. "I wanted to take poor old Peter Purves with me but there was no time!"

"Okay... well welcome to the escape team! Now we have to try and find some help and return to the encampment! And we'll need decent form of transport to organise the big escape... perhaps a plane?"

"I ain't gettin' on no plane!" snapped Mr. T.

"Oh sorry B.A., forgot you had a fear of flying," answered Curry.

"I've got some string and ice lolly sticks in my pocket, maybe you could make something out of that?" suggested Duncan.

"I may be skilled but I ain't no MacGyver!" grumbled Mr. T in response.

"Fair enough," said Mark. "Actually I think the original MacGyver actor is back at the camp!"

"Enough of this jibber jabber!" cried T. "Let's get moving again!"

After a time, the trio happened upon the walls of what appeared to be a large estate. Suddenly, a look of recognition seemed to dawn in Curry's eyes.

"I know this mansion!" he cried. "You two wait out here... I'm going inside!"

While Mark Curry slid his way gingerly over the gates of the estate, Mr. T and Peter Duncan sat down and took stock.

"I pity that fool goin' in there," remarked T. "In any case... how are you holdin' up, Peter?"

"I'm blooming terrified, if I'm honest, Mr. Baracus," answered Duncan. "I haven't been this scared since I put my hand in that tree in Flash Gordon!"

TO BE CONTINUED!


Glebe

#7
There was entropy in the encampment. Bolshiness in the barracks. Grumblings among the garrison.

"What are we going to do, Bobby?" fretted Dickinson.

Davro had no answer. "They're getting ready to revolt, there's no doubt about that, David."

Suddenly, Dickinson became aware of a figure bobbing about beside him.

"Oh it's you, Bernie Clifton, on your trusty stead Ostrich. What do you want?"

"Pardon me David, but I've just had an idea. What about a footie game to boost moral and get the disgruntled troops back on side?"

Dickinson visibly brightened. "That's a smashing idea Bernie! With the 'football's coming home' mood in the country, an Escape to Victory-style kickabout might be just want they need to let off steam!"



And so a footie match was hastily arranged. Robbie Williams' Take That Terrors beat Brian Conley's It's a Puppet Penalisers 4-1 in extra time, thanks to cracking goal courtesy of Williams himself. Dickinson was well pleased.

"Phew, I feel I can relax now, Bobby! I think they'll leave behind their little revolution after this!"

Just then, H from Steps came dashing up to the sideline. "David, David, Wayne Sleep has gone 'over the fence'!"

"Blast it!" cried David. "It's all been a ruse! A distraction while Sleep made a break for it! I'll have Clifton and Ostrich before the  firing squad for this! Bobby, secure the perimeter! H from Steps, interrogate Bonnie Langford - Sleep and she are thick as thieves!"



Meanwhile, on a grand estate some miles from the encampment, Mark Curry was having words with a potential ally.

"Sorry for bursting in like this, but we need help!" he gasped.

"No problem, Mark!" replied Bradley Walsh. "Welcome to my humble home! I was just about to enjoy tea with Danny Dyer here. But who is 'we' and why do you need help?"

"It's Dickinson," answered Curry. "As you may know if you've been following the news, his slave labour scheme has been discovered and he has brainwashed his Z-list celeb workers into forming an army... but we're starting a revolt!"

"Fuck me," muttered Danny Dyer.

"Crikey... you are in a bit of a quandary, aren't you? But help is at hand."

"Thanks, Brad, I knew I could count on you! Mr. T and my former Blue Peter cohort Peter Duncan are outside, can I bring them in?"

"Nah mate," said Danny Dyer, "I've never liked Duncan."

"Ignore him, he's in a mood," chuckled Walsh. Bring 'em in... we'll formulate a plot to help you bring the Dickinson's down!"

TO BE CONTINUED!


Glebe

Mark Curry, Mr. T and Peter Duncan looked down at the map Bradley Walsh had laid out on his dining room table. Walsh was in the process of helping the three Dickinson encampment escapees with their plans to overthrow David's wicked regime, and a map of the area was just what was needed to plot a strategy.

Meanwhile, visiting guest Danny Dyer sat in the corner and said nowt.

"You say the hidden encampment is in this region here," noted Bradley, pointing at an area of the map. "Perhaps if we gather reinforcements we can plan a surprize attack?"

"Good idea," chirped Mark Curry. "But we'll need some weapons. Got any sticky back plastic and maybe some empty Fairy Liquid bottles, Brad?"

But Walsh didn't answer. He froze suddenly as a figure appeared in the dining room doorway.

"Hullo? The door was open so I just thought I'd pop in."

Walsh let out a sigh of relief. "Oh it's you, Alexander! Folks, this is Pointless host Alexander Armstrong, he lives next door!"

Armstrong was wearing a gilet and carrying a rifle. "Just been out hunting, perhaps you lot would like to pop into mine for a drink? I'm celebrating Christmas early, so don't be surprized by the tree and decorations and that. Oh Giles Coren is round I'm afraid, but take no notice."

"Nice one," smiled Walsh. "How's Richard by the way, Alex?"

"Me and Osman aren't on speaking terms, you know that Brad. He's a right twat."



And so the motley crew adjourned to Armstrong's house (all except Danny Dyer, "We can't have any old riff raff."). Over aperitifs, Curry explained once again how Dickinson had turned his Z-list celeb workers into a tinpot army, and was planning on taking over the British Isles itself.

"Hmmm, that's awful," mused Armstrong. "Well, I will help in any way I can. I've got plenty of guns in the house, being posh and all. Take your pick. But your going to need more men."

"They've got me, for one," panted an exhausted-looking figure behind them.

"Wayne Sleep!" cried Armstrong. "How did you get in?"

"Did a pirouette through the open window while you lot were busy chatting away," explained Sleep.

"How did you escape, Wayne?" asked Peter Duncan.

"Did a balletic leap over the fence," said Wayne. "By the way, it's all going on back at the encampment. Dickinson was encouraged to hold a 'moral-boosting' footie game, as a ruse to allow some of us to escape. It went to extra time, with Robbie Williams' side beating Brian Conley's 4-1."

"Brian Conley just started on EastEnders, how could he be working for Dickinson?" inquired Walsh.

"We're talking BBC pay here, mate, it's shite, even for 'Enders," quipped Danny Dyer, sticking his head in the window. "I should know."

"Go away Danny," admonished Armstrong. "Right, well we'd better get to work. All hands on deck... all except you Giles Coren, you're obviously not in, being a cunt and all."



Back at Camp Dickinson there were more folk on the move, with Roland Rat having suggested an escape through the sewers.

"Yeaaah, sewers is me natural environment, Rat Fans!"

"Keep it down Roland," whispered Chris Addison. "We're not too far along and sound travels!"

"It really stinks down here," complained Eddie the Eagle.

"Oh stop complaining, Eddie!" grouched Gyles Brandreth. "Your plan to escape by skiing over the wall went all wrong - with hilarious consequences!"

"Yeaaah, who remembers the 1980s?" said Roland. "KP Skips, Howard Jones, Channel Four-"

"Oh please do shut up! I can't stand it anymore!" cried Brandreth.

"Hush, you lot!" warned Addison. "Wait! I see a light at the end of the tunnel!"

TO BE CONTINUED!

Glebe



"What am I bid for this lovely antique telephone?"

He may have been in charge of an army camp now, but Dickinson was still brushing up on his presenting skills. He was rudely interrupted, however, when his lieutenant, Bobby Davro, came bursting into his office.

"Ada's here to see you, David!"

"Send her in, Bobby!"

Ada came into David's office with a concerned look on her face.

"Hello, love! Everything good over in the women's encampment?"

"No, David! Toksvig has been leading the revolt over there, with the help of Zeinab Badawi, Janet Ellis and Bridget Nielson! Last I'd heard, Moira Stewart and Vanessa Feltz had gone over the wall!"

"Oh bugger... we've had a few escapees here an' all."

Suddenly, H from Steps came bursting in.

"David, the women are joining in the revolt now!"

"Old news H, Ada's just told me!"

"Right... well in any case, apparently Annabel Croft - you remember Annabel Croft, the tennis player who took over Treasure Hunt from Anneka Rice - has helped James Van Der Beek, Dermot O' Leary and Dappy from N-Dubz escape!"

"Oh dear. Any idea which way they've gone?"

"Looks like they've headed down the mountain pass, David," chipped in Bobby.

"Hmmm... in that case they'll have a hard time of it. There's a chilly autumn setting in, and the wind down that passage is bloody murder! Okay H, Bobby, get out there and do what you do best! Ada, let's have a cuppa!"

Back out in the corridor, H from Steps turned to Davro and fixed him with a scowl.

"You may be David's favourite now Bobby, but I'll soon be back on top! You'll see!"



Meanwhile, on a remote mountain pass near the encampment, Annabel Croft (former tennis player, took over Treasure Hunt from Anneka Rice), James Van Der Beek, Dermot O' Leary and Dappy from N-Dubz were making slow progress down some steep steps that had been cut into the mountain side by some ancient race.

"Man, we never had to do anything like this on Dawson's Creek!"

"Oh quit moaning, Van Der Beek!" admonished Dermot.

"Quiet down you lot," snapped Annabel. "Just keep going... we're kind of taking the long way around here, but if my calculations are correct, we should be able to come out near the forest and will hopefully be able to meet up with the other escapees!"

"This is well shit... how do you know we're on the right track, mate?" croaked Dappy from N-Dubz.

"My time on Treasure Hunt put me in good stead for navigating over various terrains, Dappy... we'll get there, you'll see!"

TO BE CONTINUED!

Glebe

#10
WELCOME BACK FOLKS! It's been awhile but the saga is finally reaching it's conclusion!

We rejoin Dickinson army base escapees Mark Curry, Mr. T, Peter Duncan and Wayne Sleep as they enlist the help of Bradley Walsh and Alexander Armstrong to help liberate the rest of Dickinson's slave army! Danny Dyer and Giles Coren are also knocking about but they don't seem particularly arsed!

"Who's house is this, Brad?" enquired Curry as the team approached a creepy old shack.

"You'll see, Mark," replied Walsh. "I'm gonna knock on the door but be on your guard... the bloke who lives here can be a bit volatile!"

The Chase host Walsh rapped gently on the front door of the decrepit shack. No answer. He rapped again. No answer. He was just about to knock again when the door suddenly flew open and a figure appeared brandishing a shotgun! Everyone flew back in surprise!



"Who's there? What do you want?" cried the figure.

"Tim! It's me, Bradley Walsh! Lower your weapon!"

"Oh, it's you Brad," answered Tim Wonnacott for it was he. "But who's this lot?" he continued.

"Mark Curry, Mr. T, Peter Duncan and Wayne Sleep here have escaped from Dickinson's army base," explained Armstrong. "Myself and Brad are assisting them. Danny Dyer and Giles Coren are back at mine, but they can't be bothered."

"Long time no see, Alex? How's Osman?"

"That's a touchy area Tim," Walsh butted in. "In any case will you help us? As a former ally of Dickinson you're assistance could prove invaluable."

"Indeed," sighed Wonnacott. "We are mortal enemies now of course. But this Dickinson Revolt must be stopped. If by my life or death I can save you, I will."

Wonnacott invited everyone into his home where a well-deserved meal was quickly cooked up. After dinner they discussed plans for dealing with Dickinson. It was well after midnight before they had decided on a course of action.

"Right, it's settled," announced Tim. "You'll kip here tonight, but in the morning Myself, Brad and Alex will rendezvous with the British Army, who I believe are making there way towards Dickinson's encampment as we speak. I will try and convince them to let me speak to Dickinson before they go in all guns blazing. Meanwhile, Mark, Mr. T, Peter and Wayne will track back and attempt to meet up with the other escapees."

"Righto then," said Brad with a yawn. "We'd better get a good night's sleep, we'll need it. Goodnight!"

The sun rose early the following morning. They team made their way north for some miles into brush. It was barely noon when they reached a small clearing where they decided they would part ways. Curry, Mr. T., Duncan and Sleep bid goodbye to the others and headed off west into the woods.



"I do hope they Brad and the others aren't long bringing up the rear," commented Peter Duncan as they tramped along.

"Hush, Peter!" cried Wayne Sleep. "we are back in Dickinson territory and must rely on silence and stealth if we are not to alert the enemy!"

"But the other escapees are comin' this way too, don't forget, fool!" snapped Mr. T. "I doubt they're keepin' so quiet!"

"Nevertheless we must remain cautious, B.A.," replied Sleep.

Night was coming on when the friends decided to halt and make camp for the night. The had a mean supper and got what sleep they could. The arose early the next morning and enjoyed a meagre breakfast before decided on their next course of action.

"I reckon myself and T should scout ahead a bit," suggested Mark. "We'll take a look at the lay of the land and see what we shall see."

"Very good," agreed Wayne. "In the meantime I'm going to prepare for battle by practicing my pirouettes!"

"I'm going back to my tent for a kip," announced the ever-brave Peter.

And so Curry and Mr. T set out, but they were mere feet away from the camp when they were taken by surprise! What next?! Stay tuned!

Glebe

#11


It was bedlam at Dickinson's secret encampment. Z-list celebs were everywhere, and all making for the walls! But pretty soon they would be able to head for the main entrance, thanks to Commander of the Women's Barracks, Sandy Toksvig.

"Come on Brigitte, let's get this gate open!"

"Right you are, Sandy!" replied Brigitte Nielsen.

"Come one, come all!" cried Toksvig. "THE GATE IS OPEN! THE GATE IS OPEN!"

"Sandy, what's this?! What's going on!"

"ADA!" cried Toksvig, for it was indeed Ada (Dickinson). "I thought you were with David!"

"I was, but I wandered over to the ladies' enclosure. Janet Ellis and Zeinab Badawi told me you had nabbed the keys to the main gate... and now I see you're letting them all out!"

"Indeed, look at them all go... Simon Amstell, Mike Harding, Fay Ripley, Andy Parsons and Jay Rayner, to name but a few!"

"Jay Rayner is the food critic bloke, I recognise him, but who's Fay Ripley?"

"Even Fay Ripley doesn't know who Fay Ripley is!" replied Sandy. "In any case, what's David's mental state at the moment Ada?"

"He's completely losing it, Sandy. I've got to get back to him before he does anything rash! You and Brigitte continue the evacuation!"

"10-4!" cried Sandy with a salute.



Meanwhile, out in the woods, trouble was afoot. Escapees Mark Curry, Mr.T, Peter Duncan and Wayne Sleep had made camp on their way back to help the rest of Dickinson's enslaved soldiers, and Curry and T had decided to have a scout ahead. But mere minutes from their tent they found themselves the subject of an ambush.

"SO! We have found the infidels at last!"

"H from Steps! I might have known!"

H from Steps grinned as he pointed his pistol. "Yes, I always get my man! And now Mark Curry and Mr. T, it is TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!"

"Go ahead and pull the trigger, fool!" growled Mr. T. "We'll die heroes and you'll just live on as a damn coward!"

H from Steps laughed. "Oh no no, it won't be me pulling the Trigger! BOBBY! GET OVER HERE!"

Bobby Davro looked grave. "H... don't make me do this!"

"You're David's favourite now Bobby, so you'd better prove you're man enough for the job!" scowled H, bitterly. "Now do as I say and KILL THESE MEN!"

Davro released his gun from his holster and took aim.

"Y-you don't have to do this, Bobby," said Mark nervously. "Y-you don't have to take orders from H no more!"

"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, BOBBY!" roared H.

Davro hesitated "I... I can't do it, H!"

H from Steps sighed. "Very well. I shall do it myself then!"

But just as H from Steps was about to pull the trigger, a loud 'BOOM!' was heard!

"What's that?! What's going on?!" cried H from Steps.

"The cavalry! They're here!" cried Mr. T joyously!

TO BE CONCLUDED!

Glebe



"DAVID! IT'S OVER! I'M HERE WITH THE BRITISH ARMY! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!"

"Do you hear that, David?" fretted Ada Dickinson. "It's your old rival, Tim Wonnacott! He's got the armed forces with him! Word is they've captured H from Steps and Bobby Davro!"

"Oh bloody fuck, H is worse than useless and I'm disappointed Bobby didn't step up to the plate! It's not over yet, though... get Ainsley, Swashy, Bryan Ferry and Havers into my office, it's time to move to DICKINSON-CON 4!"

"They've escaped with everyone else... it's over David, can't you see? You've become blinded by mad obsession!"

"Alright! I'll speak to Tim! But I refuse to surrender... EVER!"

Dickinson ascended to the upper walls of the barracks and looked out. There, indeed, was Wonnacott, with the British Army in tow. He also spied Mark Curry, Mr. T, Peter Duncan and Wayne Sleep among the throng. "Those buggers made it out alive!" he scowled inwardly.

On seeing Dickinson, Wonnacott raised his loudhailer and spoke again.

"DAVID! Good to see you, old chum! Now are you going to lay down your arms and come quietly?"

"NO, TIM!" cried David in response. "You and I were once friends, but quickly became bitter enemies. Yet we are so alike, you and I, and in another life may have been comrades in arms! Touché, Tim! But I will never surrender!"

But just as Dickinson was about to unleash a volley from the sub-machine gun he was toting, he felt a sharp pain in his arm.

"OW! Ada?!? What the Dickinsons?"

Ada was standing behind him with a large needle.

"I've just given you a huge dose of horse tranquilliser, David!" explained Ada. "It's over, David! You need to give up!"



When David came to he found himself strapped to a gurney. "What's going on?! Where am I?"

"Good evening, Mr. Dickinson. My name is Major Tom of the British Army. You are to be taken into police custody where you will be charged with the enslavement of hundreds of Z-list celebs, attempting to disrupt British life via an armed uprising and treason!"

"Fucking hell," muttered Dickinson. "On reflection I should have stuck to being a former antiques TV presenter, shouldn't I, really?"

THE END?!?

Mr Farenheit

Blimey! Has DD finally got his comeuppance?

Quote from: Glebe on January 27, 2022, 10:44:54 AMTHE END?!?

It certainly seems like it for David Dickinson.... but meanwhile the Z-listers are wandering around in a daze unsure what to do with their new-found freedom. And some people are none too happy about it!




Glebe

Excellent stuff Farenheit!  Should you happen upon any more ex-Dickison slave news clippings please do not hesitate to post them!

The Dickison Saga may have come to an end but the repercussions of his crazed actions will continue for some time!

Glebe

Post-Dickinson most of the Z-listers have thankfully managed to get back on their feet. H from Steps has even starred in his own CGI movie!