Things your dad is still doing.

[frajer]

"They've crowned Prince Charles! He's on the Throne now!"

"No Dad, it's the just the Queen... yeah whatever hail King Charles!"

"At bloody last!" your dad says, getting in your face. "At bloody last, I say! Will you sing with me, son?" He's sloshing his pint and some of it's spilling in your lap.

You glance anxiously at Norman who is pretending he's found something under his fingernails.

[Glebe]

"LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY!"

"That Tennent's is never gonna come out of that rug!"

[Glebe]

"Fancy a sambo, son?"

"You can't say that anymore, Dad."

"No I meant-"

"'Sandwich', right, sorry Dad. Yeah cheese and pickle please."

The kettle is just about to boil when your dad turns around with all Bovril on his face.

"SWANEE RIBBER!" *jazz hands*

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad keeps chuckling when seeing Amber Heard. "She's like a bird of prey, son. A bird of prey".

[Glebe]

Your dad keeps chuckling when seeing Amber Heard. "She's like a bird of prey, son. A bird of prey".

"Oh wait no. She wasn't in that film."

[frajer]

Your dad and Norman have a spaghetti western night! It's them tucking into Hoops on toast while wearing stetsons.

[non capisco]

This is your dad in his back garden preparing his "summer sound system" for "all the village kids":- "EAR MI NOW! THERE'S A RAT IN MI KITCHEN WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN! THE VENGABUS IS COMING, MON!"

[frajer]

Your dad is moving up in the world. He's on an escalator!!

[Glebe]

Your dad is moving up in the world. He's on an escalator!!

"Dad, hurry up! You can walk it, there's nobody in front of you!"

"Haste makes waste, son! Is there many in Burger King? I want to pop into Ryman's first in any case."

[frajer]

"Dad, hurry up! You can walk it, there's nobody in front of you!"

"Haste makes waste, son! Is there many in Burger King? I want to pop into Ryman's first in any case."

"Jesus Dad, now? The film's starting in five."

"Tell the projectionist I'm taking back a calculator. Mention my name and slip him a couple of quid if he gets ornery. They all know your dad round here, it's fine."

[Glebe]

"Did I say 'ornery'?! I meant 'onanistic'!"

[Glebe]

"Dad, you're coming to see my band tomorrow tonight, aren't you?"

"Oh um yeah son!" *pulls face*

[danwho9]

"Dad, you're coming to see my band tomorrow tonight, aren't you?"

"Oh um yeah son!" *pulls face*

Nah son I'm too busy browsing eBay listings for Technics decks.

[Glebe]

Your dad completes the 'Rubberband Dad' trilogy by blasting that karaoke version of  Kate Bush's 'Rubberband Girl' out of big speakers in the garden whilst he and Norm round up the neighbour's for a huge, joyous synchronized street dance!

"Sod the Jubilee Norm, this is the street party to end all street party!" laughs your dad while sixty-odd people bounce behind him!

[frajer]

Your dad is sat with his feet in the fridge and holding a frozen chicken to his brow.

"Hot as hell, Tonto, hot as hell," he keeps muttering. "We'll never make Chicago, not in this heat."

[KaraokeDragon]

Your dad is being paid cash in hand to ward off bands of youths from a farmer's livestock with a cricket bat.

[frajer]

When you stay over one night, your dad puts an inflatable crocodile under your duvet and films your weary reaction on the family camcorder.

"Your face!" he's howling. "You actually thought there was a crocodile in there? Oh god, what have I raised!"

[Glebe]

Your dad is keen to warn you about "stranger danger. Never trust a stranger son. If a man offers you a sweetie, just say no. Don't get in his car. Run away and call the police."

"Dad I'm 40 years old and married with three children."

"Still son, can't be to careful. Beware of strangers."

[frajer]

Your dad is keen to warn you about "stranger danger. Never trust a stranger son. If a man offers you a sweetie, just say no. Don't get in his car. Run away and call the police."

"Dad I'm 40 years old and married with three children."

"Still son, can't be to careful. Beware of strangers."

A week later a car pulls up beside you and the driver proffers you a bag of Rhubarb & Custards.

"Hello Norman. Dad put you up to this?"

"Tell him 'no', he's got to learn," hisses your dad from the back seat.

[Glebe]

"This is pathetic."

Your dad pops his head out the back seat window.

"You've got to learn, son. You may be an adult with family of your own but you'll always be my son!"

"Shall I offer him some Fruit Salads?" chimes in Norm. "Got a few Black Jacks in there too. Oh, and that old favourite, Cola Bottles!"

[Glebe]

Your dad's worst nightmare? "Lemon puff shortage, mate. Lemon puff shortage."

[frajer]

He jabs a thumb in your direction. "Luckily this lemon puff's going nowhere soon! Eh! Norman?"

"He's at the bar, dad."

"Right, well just so you know I'm saying it again when he's back so act sort of pissed off and wearily shake your head. Yeah, just like that!"

[ImmaculateClump]

Aw no, he's got his jeans on back to front, swaggering up and down the garden shouting

"I'm a real shady, yes I'm a real shady. All you other shim shadys are not a shim shady, so who's the real shim shady. ME! ... ME! ... ME!"

The neighbour says he's on nights and he's gonna kick his head in if he doesn't pack it in.

Your mam's crying in the greenhouse.

[frajer]

A slight pause. Blessed relief. Then:

"Guess who's back? Back again?
Dad is back! Tell your friends!"

"At least I've got more than one friend," you mutter.

"Palms are sweaty! Your mum's made spaghetti! On toast!"

[Glebe]

He jabs a thumb in your direction. "Luckily this lemon puff's going nowhere soon! Eh! Norman?"

"He's at the bar, dad."

"Right, well just so you know I'm saying it again when he's back so act sort of pissed off and wearily shake your head. Yeah, just like that!"

"What's been happening? Oh yeah your dad they don't do Bass no more."

"Allow it Norm blud."

[Glebe]

"Angel Delight or Dream Topping?" muses your dad while the intro to 'Baker Street' tootles in the background.

[frajer]

Your dad is picking out all your favourite Quality Street and putting them straight in the bin.

"Dunno what you're mad about, they're my favourites too! You've actually got very good taste in confectionary son, I'm proud of you. But y'know, into the bin they go."

[Glebe]

"Actually just remembered Dad, they're a Nestle product, chuck the whole tin out!"

"Oh yeah what have Nestle done then? Out of the bin they come, anything to annoy my humanitarian offspring!"

[frajer]

Your dad is enraged at the concept of Movember and pins you down to shave off that stupid tache you were growing.

"But dad it's May," you yell as you try and wrestle out of his grip and stay clear of the buzzing clippers.

"Even so," is all he keeps saying.

[Glebe]

"Never buy the 24 pack toilet rolls," warns y'dad. "They seem like good value but the rolls are smaller and the paper thinner, wispy."