If you were gay / bi / lesbian, who would you fancy?

[Nelson Swillie]

I'm genuinely interested in this. I've known lots of women who've been quite open about "I'd turn gay if it meant I was in with a chance with"... interestingly enough the name Natalie Imbruglia came up quite a few times, and my ex-wife announced a long-lasting crush on Lynda Carter in her Wonder Woman pose. Men seem to be as cagey as fuck about this, as if owning up to a soft spot for anyone of the same genital group will damn them as a nasty spotted prancer or something. Me, I don't give a stuff, so here goes...

Peter Cook in Bedazzled
It's the eyes. And the laid back, witty, cool-as-a-cucumber manner. And the fact that he sang 'Bedazzled', which contains one of the best lines ever - "You fill me with inertia".

Philip Glenister in Life On Mars
He'd put his life on the line to protect you. You can tell. Not really because he gives a stuff about your welfare, he just loves a scrap with someone who's asking for it. And he's got big hands.

Lee Mead
Take the piss all you like, you know you would too.

Griff Rhys Jones
As he is now, with the salt and pepper hair, twinkly eyes and that unmistakeable voice.

[mook]

i wonder?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

If I was a lesbian I would fancy a lovely long bath and then maybe some pasta for dinner.

[Lady Beaner]

Liv Tyler
Mia Tyler
Hang on, can I have them together?


Holly Willabooby
All sweetness and smiles, but I reckon she is a right harlot in the sack.

[Nelson Swillie]

Holly Willabooby's got a cute nose, I'll give her that. Thick as shit though.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

What do you mean 'if'?

[SetToStun]

Well, if you're not bi or lesbian I suppose the question still stands. 66% of it, anyway.

[HAYRDRYAH]

Because I liked you better
  Than suits a man to say,
It irked you, and I promised
  To throw the thought away.

To put the world between us
  We parted, stiff and dry;
'Good-bye,' said you, 'forget me.'
  'I will, no homo', said I.

[The Boston Crab]

The question presents a paradox.

Please clarify.

[alan nagsworth]

David Lynch.

Trent Reznor.

Gene and Dean Ween. Actually I already do fancy them. And Lynch.

I just don't think I could go through with the swordfight.

[tater pie]

What do you mean 'if'?

The question presents a paradox.

Please clarify.

Clearly you need to tell us who you would fancy if you were straight then!

[tisonlyme]

Well I think Rhianna Andi Osho and Ava Gardner are rides .Not sure I'd have sex with them but they are all sexy. (Ava Gardner when she was alive ). I also twitter stalk |Andi Osho like a crazed bi-curious

[biggytitbo]

Fellas
Jim Bowen
Barry Van Dyke
Fabio

Lasses
Megan Fox
Nerys Hughes
Sheila Hancock.

[The Boston Crab]

Clearly you need to tell us who you would fancy if you were straight then!

You've misunderstood. I sentence you to three Jewish flogs.

I have no frame of reference to determine who I would fancy if I were gay/bi/lesbian, as I am none of these things. An equivalent hypothetical would be 'if you enjoyed the music of Cast, which album would be your favourite?' The first condition presents a logical fallacy, voiding the interrogative clause.

Likewise, the simple past 'were' is inconsistent with the intentions of the question, for a potential gay/bi/lesbian respondent. It's as meaningless as asking 'if the Pope were Catholic, would he shit in the woods?' A present simple, 'if you are gay, who do you fancy?' would at least exclude non-homosexuals/bisexuals from considering the question which would bring us closer to the OP's intentions.

[Nelson Swillie]

Barry Van Dyke, the mere mention of that name makes me laugh. It reminds me of this...



Two chickens who've just escaped from the rotisserie.

[Blue Jam]

A better title for this thread would be "for whom are you gay/bi/het?"

Anyway, personally I'm not sure which of these two I envy more:



This is reminding me of that Henry Rollins skit which goes "Imagine being bisexual... awesome!"

[biggytitbo]

Barry Van Dyke, the mere mention of that name makes me laugh. It reminds me of this...



Two chickens who've just escaped from the rotisserie.

here's all 4 members of the van dyke family.

[Zero Gravitas]

men / both sexes / women.

[weekender]

men / both sexes / women.

Brilliant.

_{That's what I thought when I read the thread title too.}

[lipsink]

Christ, the one second from left looks like the fat Alan Partridge.

That photo screams cock.

[biggytitbo]

Christ, the one second from left looks like the fat Alan Partridge.

That photo screams cock.

From what I hear, the one on the far right doesn't even have the biggest 'wang' in that photo.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I'm surprised you could hear anything with that in your ear.

[alan nagsworth]

If I were gay I'd fancy any old cock; they all look similarly repulsive. If I were bisexual I'd still be straight but just tell people I was bi so I still come across as edgy. If I were a lesbian all my troubles would be over.

OH YEAH

[lipsink]

I always wondered why is there a word for gay women : lesbians, but not for gay men? As a kid I thought a gay woman was a 'lesbian' and a gay man was called a 'gaylord'.

[Angst in my Pants]

'Lesbian' is derived from the French 'Le Zbian'. 

The original term for gay men was 'La Zbian', but this was rejected in the 1950s for being très naff.

[Serge]

Fabio

I misread this as Falco and wondered what it was about the deceased eighties hitmaker that would persuade you so...

If I were a lesbian, I might have had a chance with the most amazing woman I've ever met, a former friend of mine (and no, that's not the reason we fell out) who was, well, a lesbian. Having said that, she was in the happiest relationship I've ever seen in my life, so even if I was a lesbian, etc, etc.

[El Unicornio, mang]

Speaking of gays, wonderful to see common sense prevailing today with Prop 8 being overturned.

[biggytitbo]

Speaking of gays, wonderful to see common sense prevailing today with Prop 8 being overturned.

Mad props to them for that!

[HAYRDRYAH]

Likewise, the simple past 'were' is inconsistent with the intentions of the question, for a potential gay/bi/lesbian respondent. It's as meaningless as asking 'if the Pope were Catholic, would he shit in the woods?' A present simple, 'if you are gay, who do you fancy?' would at least exclude non-homosexuals/bisexuals from considering the question which would bring us closer to the OP's intentions

It's subjunctive, not past. Which makes it a hypothetical question. Which, coupled with your present-tense formulation, everyone can enjoy

[Hank_Kingsley]

If I were bi, I'd shag some guy and then I'd pork his missus.

If I were gay, I'd grope Peter Kay and shower his cock in kisses.

If I were lesbian, I'd scissor a thespian and let 'er fist-us.



No, it doesn't scan.