Get myself arrested

[Partridge's Love Child]

I have never been arrested, nor questioned by the police in connection with any crime, other than when I have been the complainant.  I'd never thought a great deal about this, until I was chatting to someone I was thesping with a few weeks ago who revealed that she had once been arrested for attempted murder.  It seems disappointing that my life story doesn't contain such a great conversation starter as that, nor does it contain any tales of wrongful arrest, custody cell beatings or bum rapes from Bubba off of Block Z.  Perhaps it is a symptom of my previously discussed conservativism.

The closest I ever came to ending up in the back of a uniformed cab was when I was 18 and was quite clearly Drunk and Incapable, as were my two friends (I mean the two friends that were with me.  I have more that two friends, y'know).  All three of us had managed to tumble out of a taxi and promptly fall into a drunken sleep on the pavement next to a main road.  We were only saved by the fact that I lived about ten metres away from where we were found.

So, I demand more arrest stories.  And a big "chinny reckon" to Kevin Spacey for this bullshit story  that I nearly started a thread on and then couldn't be arsed.  Funnily enough, being "arsed" is more likely what he was trying to achieve.  I'm sure everyone knows a Kevin Spacey story, so I won't expand upon that for legal reasons.

Edit:  She wasn't guilty by the way.

[fanny splendid]

So, I demand more arrest stories.  And a big "chinny reckon" to Kevin Spacey for this bullshit story  that I nearly started a thread on and then couldn't be arsed.  Funnily enough, being "arsed" is more likely what he was trying to achieve.

Yes, I heard that on the radio this morning, and thought the same myself.

There's a fine line between being arrested, and helping the police with their enquiries. I 'helped the police with their enquiries' in a murder case. Twice. Two members of CID played good cop, bad cop with me. Very boring, but easier than wearing a paper jump suit.

[dirkfunk]

i as stabbed 13 times and the police did fuck all about it
never heard from them the morning after

[hencole]

Never been arrested. I've been threatened with arrest over the injuring of two young children, but that was only a counter threat. Other than that the only thing I can think off was being questioned for 15 minutes about smoking a roll up that the cop was convinced was a joint.

[fanny splendid]

i as stabbed 13 times and the police did fuck all about it
never heard from them the morning after

You got your ass stabbed with what?

Being gay is no longer a crime.

[hencole]

You got your ass stabbed with what?

Being gay is no longer a crime.

No it was him doing the ass stabbing the filthy blighter.

Seriously though 13 times! Was it with a compass in a geometry lesson?

[dirkfunk]

No, a burglar broke into my ex girls house one night
i confronted him with a big iron bar in my hand
he attacked me and stabbed me 13 times with a screwdriver
i beat him senseless with my bar

he escaped, i bled shitloads and went to hozzie

[MonkeyDrummer]

When I was 18 me and my mates were singing GnR's version of Live and Let Die at the tops of our drunken voices, we turned a corner with our arms out like aeroplanes screaming "DuuDuuDoo, DuuDuuDoo, Doo Doo" and encountered a smashed up car with some policemen standing about looking for someone to blame. We got hauled into the back of the van and promply "jailed" for the evening, charged with Breach of the Peace & Drunk and Disorderly. Didn't go any further than a warning though.

That was the only time I've actually been handcuffed and jailed though. I've had my rights read to me a few times, charged with possession of cannabis, driving without insurance. But I've never, ever been prosecuted.

[Crazy Penis]

After celebrating with a new 'friend' because his girlfriend was having a baby that wasn't his we walked back towards the car park. As we were both drunk the idea was to just make sure that the car was locked and safe.
On spotting a parked police car our tracks took us right past my car, down an alley, past a walking officer to whom we both said hello. and round a big building. We stood just in view of my car but quite hidden from them we thought. Knowing that something had happened made me concerned and my 'friend' said that as the police had now gone he would move the car close to a wall and lock it up. I said I would go for a walk and wait for him at the end of that *pointing* road.
While walking down the road I was shouted at by a police officer and he ran towards me with a fierce dog. I stopped and clenched my arse cheeks and the questioning began.
A Vauxhall Cavalier had been broken into and the stereo had been stolen. My car was a Vauxhall Cavalier.
My 'friend' had also been questioned and it turned out that when they asked for his name and address he gave them mine, and of course so did I. They saw everything when we were by the building too.
That gave them reason not to believe anything else we said.
I chose to co-operate in a cheeky manner but he didn't (scuffles) and we were eventually taken to the station.
Through glass doors I could see him pacing up and down and a couple of times he did the 'shush' to me.
I was put in a cell for most the night and was sick at some point he was taken for further questioning.
Eventually I was released because 'something had come up on the radio' but I couldn't take my car for at least 8 more hours because I was still drunk. I had to walk the 2 miles home in torrential rain.
They threw the book at my 'friend'. the whole sha-bang. It turned out it was his second offence. He was still banned from the first one.
I hate the police now because only one of eight officers was polite and listened to me. The others accused me of being a liar, a thief, and being a 'your sort'

[Purple Tentacle]

Purple Tentacle's Courtroom Fiasco (or whatever it was called) thread has vanished, but that's probably the most prolonged and irritating brush with the law I've had. (For those who don't remember or care I was involved in the farcical and tax-wasting arrests outside the ExCel centre during the Iraq war because we were filming stuff. My friend was charged and summonsed to the Crown Court but they threw it out of trial AFTER he paid lawyer's fees.

smoker put me up to it anyway, it's HIM they want.)

[El Unicornio, mang]

The closest I've come to being arrested was being cautioned by Herefordshire traffic police for lending someone my British Rail pass. My name is still on file, actually, and if I commit another crime it'll count against me.

<cries of: Bring back the birch!!!>

[Partridge's Love Child]

<cries of: Bring back the birch!!!>

No doubt wielded by a lovely hunky man in a tight-fitting police uniform, holding his bobby's helmet in his hands.

[Timmay]

I was once fined £15 by South West trains, for skipping a £2 fare. A group of us, all got taken to one side by the British Transport Piggies when we got to Southampton and couldn't get off the platform (tube style ticket barriers). Could so easily have given false names, but the panic combined with beer didn't help my reasoned thinking at the time.

[Krang]

The cloest ive come to being arrested, was when my mums handbag got nicked from her car whilst on a work visit.

She had to visit the station, and i got a free tour. I got to see inside a cell and had my finger prints taken (for fun) but they are probably on record, so i can never ever commit a crime without wearing gloves.

[Partridge's Love Child]

I know someone who got caught like that, and wasn't rumbled when he claimed his name was James Mason.  I wonder if James Cagney or Spencer Tracey would've work quite as well.

That's a bit harsh, Tim.  They usually just tell you to cough up the rest and let you get on with it.

[imitationleather]

Me and a fellow Verbwhore got arrested a couple of weeks ago. Gawd, that was a larf...

[El Unicornio, mang]

<cries of: Bring back the birch!!!>

No doubt wielded by a lovely hunky man in a tight-fitting police uniform, holding his bobby's helmet in his hands.

Yes, someone like this I imagine:



then I can play with one of these:


You can blame Partridge for taking this thread into the realms of gayness!

[Partridge's Love Child]

And you just happened to have that picture at your fingertips did you?

We need to hear the full story there, imitationleather.  Was it Poipul Tentacle grooming you over the information superstud again?

[imitationleather]

Unfortunately not. Me and european son (hopefully he won't mind me telling this story) were walking home a bit merry and I decided it'd be a good idea to start throwing stuff at a police station. Obviously, the police weren't too happy with this and decided to arrest us. We were thrown into a police van and taken to another station.

We were given the whole, "Sign this, sign this" treatment, probably so the CCTV footage can be used on a forthcoming episode of 'The UK's Dumbest Juveniles' and then we got put into seperate cells. I decided to just be as well behaved as possible, but when he was in his cell european son found an abandoned plastic knife. He then proceeded to carve 'FUCK EM' into his arm. When the rozzers caught sight of this they took the knife and all his clothes off him and made him wear one of those jumpsuit things. They also moved him into my cell because I had the one with the CCTV camera in it (obviously I look like a troublemaker). Then he took the jumpsuit off and tied it around his neck and made it look like he was about to hang himself.

I got interviewed by a doctor and was eventually let out at 3.30am and had to walk all the way through Bow to get home, which is a very very dangerous place at night. I couldn't really believe that we'd been arrested because they could have said, "Oi you little tykes, cut it out or else we'll bang you up". It made it look like they get paid on commission for each arrest. I thought about bringing up how on the road where that station was I had been mugged about a dozen times and the police had made no effort whatsoever to catch the gang who'd done it to me (they basically made it sound like it was my fault I'd been mugged) but I could see that they were a bunch of complete and utter wankers and wouldn't listen to anything I said.

The one good thing they did was not call my mum, which I thought they were obliged to do since I was under 18. When I eventually stumbled in at 5am I gave her some story about me hanging out at a friend's house. I still went into college the next day n'all y'no...

Oh, to be young!

[smoker]

"european son found an abandoned plastic knife. He then proceeded to carve 'FUCK EM' into his arm. When the rozzers caught sight of this they took the knife and all his clothes off him and made him wear one of those jumpsuit things. They also moved him into my cell because I had the one with the CCTV camera in it (obviously I look like a troublemaker). Then he took the jumpsuit off and tied it around his neck and made it look like he was about to hang himself."

that's jokes

didn't he use to be mayer?

[Nearly Annually]

No. Really? My jewdar must be on the blink.

[Partridge's Love Child]

That's because you've been pointing your pork at me too long.  Thrust it elsewhere and it'll flush 'em out and no worries.

[Bogey]

No. Really? My jewdar must be on the blink.

It must be.
European Son being a song by a certain band from New York, whose lead singer is, I believe, of Yiddish extraction.
I fail to see how it could be any more obvious.

One time I did an extraordinarily stupid thing, which was to go to Camden High St. to buy some weed off of someone who lives round there. Me and my mate hung around the lock for ages waiting for our man, (on account of he's never early he's always late). After he turned up, he took us to see two other blokes who were dining outside at Nando's up the road. Oustide. On the pavement. We told them what we wanted and they said they'd come back shortly with the goods. We walked off, and were immediately nabbed by three rather smug-looking plain-clothed ones who had, of course, heard everything. After a quick search, they let us go.
If they'd decided to hang around another 20 minutes, they'd have had something on us, but they obviously chose not to. They also pointed out what a stupid place it was to go and buy drugs, making us feel a bit silly.
I was still shaking like a gay lamb on the train home, mind.

[Purple Tentacle]

Jews don't like prisons, uniforms or trains.

[hencole]

or bad taste jokes. Probably.

[Bogey]

And besides, everyone knows they're the best at jokes.

[morgs]

Four years ago a doctor aquaintance of mine was walking home from a First Aid Class one night.  Four blokes got out of a car as he approached and attacked him.  He managed to get free momentarily and hit one of them.  With that they nicked him.

Yes folks, they were off-duty policemen.  Class.  Really helped me keep faith in the boys in blue.  And my grandad was a policeman...  They eventually dropped charges against him and reached some sort of settlement I believe.

I haven't been arrested by the way though I got into a lot of trouble when I was 7.  I lit a fire and it went a bit out of control.  Set someone's garden alight, followed by the caravan in the garden (plus propane gas canister) and finally part of the house before 3 fire engines arrived....

[weekender]

Ok, it's not particularly relevant to being arrested myself, but it's a worrying story and I hope the people involved do actually get arrested, and hope it shows you how paranoid you should actually be, especially when drunk.

Anyway, apparently a friend of a friend was on their way home from a club in Birmingham on Friday night absolutely arseholed, and got offered a lift by a strange person they assumed was a taxi driver.  About five minutes down the road, these bloke leaps from under a cover under the back seat and holds a knife to this kid's throat and tells him not to move.  A few more minutes of a drive around and they pick up two more blokes who are also endowed with fairly large knives.  After a few punches to this kid, they make him go to a relatively well secluded cashpoint, take out all the money he can (about £300 from what I can tell), and hand it over along with his wallet.  When he's done this, they hold his arms behind his back and take it in turns to punch him in the face as hard as they can.  He tries to fight back, but he's being faced by four men with knives, so he takes a beating (although I don't think they stabbed him).

Then, they force him back in the car and go through his wallet.  After establishing that they now have his address, they demand to know if he has any possessions worth stealing from his house.  The kid says no, so they beat him again for lying.  He starts coughing up blood and tries to lean out of the car door - apparently he was that scared that he would have jumped out the car at 50mph, it was that bad.  In the end, they beat him some more and left him in a dodgy area of Birmingham at about 4am.

Sadly, there's no punchline, this actually happened at the weekend.  Well, so my friend told me.  He was probably exaggerating a little.  Still, made for a good story.

Edit: My mate was probably lying, wasn't he, the little cunt?  I shall beat him tomorrow, although I'm lying when I say that.

[european son]

i wasn't even going to add to this thread.

but some corrections/additions to imitation's story.

i was trying to write FUCK 'EM! on my arm. i only got as far as a godawful mess which said FU. i had to wear long sleeves for a week-and-a-half, partly so my parents wouldn't see, and partly because i didn't want bystanders thinking that i loved Flowered Up that much.

also, whilst imitation got let out to walk the streets at 3am, presumably for good behaviour, i was left in my boxers in my cell till 5am.


at which point they let me out and inform me that "your mate has all your clothes and phone and that". much hilarity from them, and anger from me, ensues till they remind me of the date. my clothes, are, of course, with them, and this was nothing but a hilarious April Fools' jape.

i put on my clothes, re-thread my shoelaces, and they tell me i can go. i walk out the wrong door, have to walk back past them as they giggle.

they then ask me when i'm going back to Manchester (i'd been quite talkative the night before), i tell them "a couple of weeks".

one cop then says "i know more about you than i do my girlfriend"

and i (still drunk and pissed-off about their hilarious banter whilst i was shivering and waiting for my clothes) reply:

"yeah, but let's be frank, you don't even know where your girlfriend's clitoris is".

the cop looks, double takes for a second, then smirks at me as i put on my leather jacket and walk out. all true.

[Crazy Penis]

shivering and waiting for my clothes reply:

"yeah, but let's be frank, you don't even know where your girlfriend's clitoris is".

the cop looks, double takes for a second, then smirks at me as i put on my leather jacket and walk out. all true.

That bit has painted a hilarious picture in my mind.