PETER KAY LIVE AT THE TOP OF THE TOWER 2030AD

[The Mollusk]

THE YEAR IS 2030. A TIRED-LOOKING PETER KAY TAKES THE STAGE IN THE RECONSTITUTED RUINS OF BLACKPOOL TOWER

KAY: Wheeyyy! Remember post-irony? Eh?! What were all that about?! We had irony, didn't we, and it were bad enough when we had that, but at least it were funny in the abstract! Mate o' mine, he used to go on t'internet callin' strangers the N-word wi' a soft A and two 'B' emojis ...

KAY'S VOICE GOES UP AN OCTAVE

KAY: Same week as he were doin' that, he were helpin' coordinate the local BLM protests in Rotherham! What were that about?!

KAY'S VOICE GOES BACK DOWN AN OCTAVE, HE WIPES A GLAZE OF SWEAT FROM HIS BRIGHT RED FACE

KAY: Ehh, still we thought it couldn't get any more daft, but it did, eh, didn't it? D'yer remember?! What's worse than irony? Post-irony! What a bloody carry-on that were! Ya couldn't move for fake news back then. Folk on't Facebook givin' haha reacts to Daily Mail links about dodgy vaccines, perpetuatin' the bloody algorithm! And they knew they were doin' it! Didn't give two shits did they eh, life were just a blur o' shite, no point tryin' t'fix owt at that point! Whole world were a great fuckin' turd on fire, facts were completely indiscernible from fiction! Y'remember, don't yer?!

KAY PAUSES, HIS CHEEKY GRIN FADING SLIGHTLY

KAY: D'yer remember? ... Ehh, I dunno if I do remember. Were the government really as bad as we thought? We all voted for 'em didn't we? Eh?! Me mum bless 'er, she did. Then one day, she had a fall at the home, broke 'er hip. She pulled the cord f'warden. Remember Dougie?! She pulled the cord fer Dougie, but he were already gone. Laid off! Lack o' fundin' weren't it? That's what they told us. We believed 'em didn't we, eh?! I bloody did! Lack o' fundin' and that were that. Captain bloody whatshisname goin' up and down his garden, eh, remember that?! He couldn't save it though could he?! Charity begins at home, sunshine! Does it bollocks!

KAY HALFHEARTEDLY STICKS TWO FINGERS UP AND BLOWS A RASPBERRY TO EMPHASISE HIS DISMAY

KAY: Still, it were just her time to go, nowt we coulda done. She woulda gone anyway wouldn't she eh, in them dirty hospitals, god knows what swimmin' about in them vaccines. Folk over 70 wi' working class backgrounds weren't allowed private. D'yer remember? Probably f'the best she went in the home wi' big light on, waitin' fer Dougie.

KAY WIPES THE SWEAT FROM HIS BROW AGAIN, HIS FACE NOW TOTALLY CRESTFALLEN. HE CASTS A FLEETING GLANCE TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE AND HIS VOICE PICKS BACK UP

KAY: Y'knew where yer stood wi' satire didn't ya though, eh? Remember that?! Even wi' post-irony at least y'could go on't stage and talk about stuff you'd seen, stuff you'd remembered. Not like now... They don't let y'remember owt now eh, do they? No one'll remember this...

KAY STARES OUT IN SILENCE AT THE TOTALLY EMPTY AUDITORIUM AND SIGHS. A HEAVILY-CLAD POLICE OFFICER WALKS OUT ON TO THE STAGE

KAY: 'Ere they are, look! You'll remember this, won't yer fella? Will they let yer remember it?

THE POLICE OFFICER SHAKES HIS HEAD STERNLY, AND KAY SUDDENLY RECOGNISES HIM AS MR. B, THE FORMER TAXI DRIVER REFERENCED IN HIS ROUTINE FROM THE 2000 SHOW "LIVE AT THE TOP OF THE TOWER". KAY FEIGNS A NERVOUS CHUCKLE

KAY: W-what's the 'B' for...? 'Brutality'?

OFFICER B PULLS OUT A PISTOL AND SHOOTS HIM POINT BLANK IN THE HEAD. KAY'S BODY COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR. AS HE RETREATS FROM THE STAGE, OFFICER B UNWRAPS HIS GOVERNMENT ISSUE GARLIC BREAD CONTAINING THE SERUM TO WIPE THE LAST 3 HOURS FROM HIS MEMORY. HE STUDIES THE BREAD FOR A MOMENT BEFORE PUTTING IT IN HIS MOUTH AND EATING IT. HE CANNOT RECALL EVER EATING BREAD WHICH DID NOT CONTAIN GARLIC.

[Fambo Number Mive]

After the twenty second lockdown followed by the order to Lick Out To Help Out which helped spread a million new cases of various COVID mutations, giant burial pits are being dug throughout the land. Most of Britain is now a wild forest, aside from a few settlements full of Tory supporters.

We pan across lines of coughing people queuing for food and land on another queue - the chance to see the one of the few comedians still with the energy and drive to do live shows in these bleak times (put on your breathing apparatus and do not laugh, cough or shout throughout the proceedings) - Sir Peter Kay.

Inside there is total silence as people are led to seats 4 metres apart.

PETER KAY: SIT DOWN, FUCKERS

He smiles and takes out his microphone.

PETER KAY: Right, group 5000 - do you remember these things? Frazzles, Panda Pop, penny chews, being able to buy biscuits, the NHS, the internet, television, trees. They've all gone now, haven't they?

He slides across the stage.

PETER KAY: Remember weddings? We used to do loads of sliding at them.

Applause.

PETER KAY: Right, I've been informed that a proper working sewer system, Aero bars and school dinners no longer exist since your list visit six months ago. Remember sewer systems? Remember having to sit on a seat and defecate? When you didn't have to dig a hole in your garden for a poo? Aero bars! You could eat an entire shelf of Aero bars and still not throw up all night. Great days. Garlic bread!

AUDIENCE holds up giant banner saying GARLIC BREAD

PETER KAY: Lovely home made banner.

A break where people can urinate off the side of the tower. A short film is shown "Why King Farage Is The Rightful Heir To The Throne And Ruler Of Blackpooltania". Followed by "War With Clactonshire - Join Up And Get A Vaccine Shot".

PETER KAY: We're back. Put your cocks and lady parts away. Right. What else do we need to remember? Woke people, drugs, no alcohol lager...remember that? It takes like lager, but there's no alcohol in it! Where's the fun in that! Fruit and vegetables, breakfast cereal - used to make me shit like a trooper! And talking of troopers, remember ABBA?

Two rather dazed looking people dressed in the remnants of upper middle class clothes come on and sing a selection of ABBA songs.

PETER KAY: Right. Fuck off and get your vaccine shot. What's next? Ah yes. Do you remember Space Hoppers? Great way to get around...

[bomb_dog]

Rememba lockdown?
-you what? Lock? down?