CaB IRL

[Lisa Jesusandmarychain]

Think we may have had this thread before, but here goes....

T'other day, right, I was looking for one of my favourite jumpers, to don before going out into the chilly late autumn air, but initially couldnae find the fecker anywhere, and shouted out aloud " Where's my fucking jumper?", after which I had no choice but to mutter to meself " Sultans of Ping F C consider more radio airplay friendly rewrite."

Any other examples of how this pesky forum has permeated that real life we have nowadays?

[Cerys]

I frequently say 'dead soon' while watching a (possibly) doomed character on TV.

[mothman]

I frequently say 'dead soon' while watching a (possibly) doomed character on TV.

Similar, but I just say "Dead!"
(as my whole family does after seeing a Punt & Dennis sketch in the 90s); already abridged as it is, there's nowhere further for me to take it...

[canadagoose]

Think we may have had this thread before, but here goes....

T'other day, right, I was looking for one of my favourite jumpers, to don before going out into the chilly late autumn air, but initially couldnae find the fecker anywhere, and shouted out aloud " Where's my fucking jumper?", after which I had no choice but to mutter to meself " Sultans of Ping F C consider more radio airplay friendly rewrite."

Any other examples of how this pesky forum has permeated that real life we have nowadays?

I often feel like saying that things are S4C when nobody is even going to know what that is. I must admit I do the" considers rewrite" from time to time too.

[Dex Sawash]

Whenever I think someone looks like someone I wonder if LJAMC would agree.

[touchingcloth]

Similar, but I just say "Dead!"
(as my whole family does after seeing a Punt & Dennis sketch in the 90s); already abridged as it is, there's nowhere further for me to take it...

I really struggle to not write "dead soon" when work birthday cards do the rounds.

[TrenterPercenter]

Been calling the Queen (and Blair) COD for sometime now, to the extent my originally horrified family now just expect it.

[the hum]

"I bet you did you dirty old bollocks" to even the mildest bit of unintentional innuendo.

[mothman]

I have to be wary not to bamlem people left, right and centre. Been a few close calls. Thank God for Outlook spellcheck.

[flotemysost]

Chalk me up as another who says "dead soon" quite a lot. Once, years ago, a mate and I said it at the same time then looked at each other in an "err..." sort of way.

I shared medium fry-up bloke with my parents (not the CaB thread, just the news item) and I think they enjoyed it.

I've mentioned it here before but I had a stupid running joke with one of my colleagues on slow days, where we'd edit our Outlook signatures in emails to one another, to incorporate increasingly elaborate and ridiculous MS Paint-edited photo-montage scenarios which were a little Wimblewrong-esque (although obviously nowhere near as painstaking and/or NSFW).

[Kankurette]

I will never be able to listen to Hark The Herald Angels Sing without thinking of pterodactyls.

[rue the polywhirl]

Describing individual people as 'great bunch of lads'. He/she's a great bunch of lads etc.

[Butchers Blind]

I remarked that someone at work because of their behaviour was a Legend Gary. Obviously no-one knew what I meant, which was fine.

[IsavedLatin]

Another vote here for all of "dead soon", "I bet you did ..." and S4C (the last of which my partner says I've taken to with unpleasant frequency and relish). Oh and GBOL, but I'm pretty sure that's an Irish thing rather than a CaB thing.

[flotemysost]

I also now struggle to take anything relating to Captain Tom seriously, which has presented a challenge on a couple of occasions. Obviously I've never genuinely wished any ill towards the poor man himself but Christ, the sheer irreverent rage at the whole ridiculous cultural charade in the DEAD SOON thread was a beacon of pure joy last year, honestly one of my highlights from that whole wretched time.

To my delight, my mum has got in on joking that I'm distantly related to Tom thanks to his nefarious war deeds, so it's come full circle really.

[Twonty Gostelow]

If someone corrects themselves when they're talking I'll shout "EDIT GLITCH!".

Well, everyone just falls about laughing.

[Sebastian Cobb]

always telling people to GET IN GRAVE but then i am the undertaker LOLOL

[Mobius]

called my dad a peadwraith

[Kankurette]

England cricket team like to molest children. Apparently.

[H-O-W-L]

I do say "Shit for Cunts" now.

[Jack Shaftoe]

Mrs Shaftoe and I are both freelance writers (she's a grownup writer for business stuff) and we both use 'not arsed mate, off for cigs' as shorthand for a job we don't want to take. She's not a Cab-er though, she's just picked it up from me. She's still bemused by 'chill out and have a laquer' though.

I do worry one day I'll use 'you ain't got the minerals son' to try and defuse a situation and it'll backfire horrible when they try and prove they do, in fact, have the minerals.

[SpiderChrist]

Legend Gary and Shit For Cunts are fairly regularly used by my mouth, in conjunction with my brain.

[flotemysost]

I'm not even sure of the origins of this particular CaB meme, but anyway I recently Googled a Vietnamese deli near London Bridge that's called RAO and my phone autocorrected it to RAOUL MOAT which made me laugh far harder than it should have, to the confusion of the people I was with.

[touchingcloth]

What is the lacquer thing?

[flotemysost]

And why is it not a laqer and a wanq?

[touchingcloth]

It's a laqer and a wanq by the time I've finished with it.

[Icehaven]

I use "shit for cunts" all the time, mostly in my own head.

[non capisco]

I still occasionally sing "Crimean War hero!" to the tune of Justin Timberlake's 'Cry Me A River' in the shower, entirely down to a post on here fucking years ago when someone's mate had misheard it as that.

I also think "Quick! Before the momentum!" to myself a lot inbetween boarding and sitting down on a bus.

[Ambient Sheep]

What is the lacquer thing?

And why is it not a laqer and a wanq?

Sixteen years ago, when the forum was giving infamous Channel 4 prank show Balls of Steel a well-deserved kicking, one, if not two, of the creators turned up, and this is what they said (my bold):

Hello.
Had to come on here, Its like a retirement home for the failed dreams of disenfranchised TV producers and ugly white boy comedy geeks.  Look fella's, Balls of Steel is a funny TV show.  The public - who you all hate with passion actually like it. I know you think you are `better' than everyone. But you aren't I'm afraid. The shows getting good ratings and everyone who isn't a jaded would be comedy scientist is enjoying it. Its not big or clever, but its fucking funny.
If you don't like it why not listen to some of your old Chris Morris radio shows instead . 
Teen angst in men over 21 is kind of sad. Next friday do the following. Talk to a woman for more than 10 minutes, don't touch a computer ALL day, have a couple of laqers, watch Balls of Steel with your mates.  You'll never have to visit a `forum' again.

look - i did  a quick search and found it. No big deal.  I also spelt lager wrong. Why not get a dog to fuck my lungs out because of it?
I'm off now. I won't darken your doors again. Enjoy the DVD release of Nathan Barley. In NO way do you people resemble the lunatics who follow Brian everywhere in that Monty Python film.

Christ... why don't you all just have a wank and chill the fuck out... It's an entertaining show you silly twats.  I was involved  with the show and I am better than you...

I'd tell you all to go fuck yourselves but if it was physically possible to do so you probably already would have.

Oh, and i've just changed my mind... Go fuck yourselves.

;)

Can't you understand that this is subjective criticism?

How subjective is K-9 based lung rape?  Not very i'll wager.  You 'verbwhores' really need to be more consistent. 

If you don't like the show, just don't fucking watch it... then you can stop crying like little bitches because you're all too talentless to get any of your own stuff on telly... anyway surely your time would be better spent digesting the new 'Pratchett' rather than trying to be legends in your own forum?

I repeat...  Go fuck yourselves.

This then got mentioned and mutated over the next few pages (which I hadn't realised until now, I'd always remembered it as a direct quote):

Maybe I should just 'have a wank and chill the fuck out' or 'drink some laqers' and 'read the latest Pratchett.'

Well done for being 'talented' enough to come up with the idea of squirting people with water pistols.  We are understandably jealous of your mighty talent.

Seriously, what sort of a moron hires Mark Dolan anyway? I bet I've got more money in my left pocket than they have in their entire production budget. 

'Who shall we get to host this then?'
'Let's aim high here, we want edgy, we want sophisticated, we want funny'
'How about...that Diet Clive Anderson who was in the Richard Taylor interviews and wrote for the Richard Blackwood show?'
'Eu-fucking-reka!  Go and treat yourself to a couple of laqers and a chilled out wank on me!'

Until by page 19 (which is the one Google found for me, I had to work my own way back from there), we have:

Perhaps we should burn down the Balls Of Steel offices whilst the staff are inside. When they crawl out croaking "Why?" from their smoke-encrusted lungs, we can reply, "What? YOU DON'T GET IT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU FUCKING SQUARES! HAVE A LAQER AND A WANK YOU SADDO'S!"

Something tells me the Balls Of Steel staff wouldn't find it so funny if they were the victims of one of their hlarious japes. I'm reminded of Armando Iannucci's "Calm down, it's only slapstick!"

I think that'll do. :-)

[Ambient Sheep]

Mrs Shaftoe and I are both freelance writers (she's a grownup writer for business stuff) and we both use 'not arsed mate, off for cigs' as shorthand for a job we don't want to take.

That's great, but this is one I don't know the origin of, despite using it myself.  Anyone know?