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March 28, 2024, 02:56:38 PM

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Making friends when you’re over 30

Started by The Mollusk, November 28, 2021, 12:36:50 PM

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The Mollusk

Previously thought to be IMPOSSIBLE but dreams do come true, I'm living proof, keep reachin for that mf rainbow

Recently I asked a friend of mine to sew a Death patch on the back of my jacket and while it was at her house her new boyfriend got super excited about it, he's really into metal, she tells me about this and immediately I'm like, I gotta meet this dude. I have mates who're into similar music as me but you can never have too many of those people in your life.

They came over for dinner last week and we got drunk and listened to Deftones and chewed each other's ear off about music and it was fuckin GREAT, literally felt like I was a kid again, what a joy it is to meet people who love the same things you do.

Last night I was at a loose end since some pals had dropped out of coming to a death metal show at a tiny local bar so I messaged the guy but expected him to be busy. It's Saturday, we hardly know each other, I wouldn't mind. But man, he's totally up for it. We went and had a great time, he hadn't been to a gig in like 4 years and straight away he was bouncing round the mosh pit like a pinball. We were chatting about music and life and love and all sorts.

PRETTY SURE I MADE A NEW FRIEND HERE GANG

Hard to describe this feeling other than "cute" since it is quite a childlike thing isn't it? Being part of circles and knowing people by association (like how I've been accepted and welcomed by my fiancée's friends and family) is great but going off and doing your own separate thing with a new person when you start to feel resigned to just knowing the same people you've always known forever is really uplifting. I feel great today.

Milo


This is an interestingly timed post in that thoughts of friends and impending loneliness have been very much to the front of my mind recently.

About 7 weeks ago, a close friend of mine died aged 36. I met him about 12 years ago, and over time we became much closer, and I met lots of other people through him. In composing a eulogy, one of the things that came front and foremost was how he 'snowballed' friends - treating people without hierarchy, and organising otherwise disparate groups together - often so he could get more into a poker game, playing football, out on the piss or whatever, but still it was very much a fundamental part of the experience of being his mate. There were downsides to this of course - it meant sometimes being in the company of people that I had little in common with, and sometimes people I would have nothing to do with if not for him. Generally he introduced me to some good people, although not necessarily ones that I see much of now he's out of the picture.

I'm now 39 and mindful that my core group of mates is slowly becoming more distant. Moving to other areas - even 15 miles up the road can have a huge effect - having kids, taking on responsibilities at work and so on. Being at a bit of a crossroads myself I can foresee the next 10 years becoming a desolation thread made real if I'm not careful. His death has really drawn into focus how the things you take for granted can suddenly vanish, and that if I'm not careful and proactive I could find myself almost totally detached, becoming a Christmas Friend to those I once saw as brothers. But the question is - what can be done about it? I've been lucky to continue to make friends even into my 30s, but I appreciate that can't go on forever. We always used to joke about this guy going to pubs on his own and meeting the other barflies and strays at the weekend as our group outings became less frequent. We jokingly referred to it as Sad Lad Club - a group who seemed united only by their loneliness. But how do you avoid that?

Get on the amphetamines?

Brundle-Fly

The only reason it's harder to make new friends over thirty is mainly down to the arrival of children. The death knell of regular friendships. Or a new controlling partner. Or death.(knelled)

flotemysost

I know exactly what you mean about that giddy euphoria of a budding companionship, OP. I started going to a weekly evening class earlier this year, and now we've got a WhatsApp group and invite each other to our birthdays and go to see shows together and all that (restrictions permitting, etc.), it's great.

I've also made quite a few new mates (or become closer to people I knew tangentially already) through friends of friends this year too, as well as new colleagues who seem like really sound lovely people who I absolutely plan to hang out with outside of work. And my new (as of this year) flatmates are wonderful, too. It just makes me really happy, in the sort of pure innocent life-affirming way you describe.

Anyone saying you can't make new friends after the age of 30 is chatting a load of sloppy loose stools, I'm 32 and I've made more new friends in the last few months than I have some entire years (when I've been too depressed and miserable to even contemplate making the effort).

I guess being perpetually single (in my case) probably sharpens that drive to seek out connections - not because I've got an ulterior motive, but I guess I don't have the existing safety blanket of a partner for companionship, and I also just really like meeting new people (which sounds like something an annoyingly egotistical cunt would say, I know - I'm actually pretty quiet and shy, but sociable at the same time). I realise of course close friendships are an emotional investment and it's not always fun and games, but that high of realising you've made a new connection is just great.

Obviously covid definitely hasn't helped, and one of the things I really struggled with mentally last year was convincing myself that my existing friendships would wither and dwindle as an "out of sight, out of mind" thing, especially with people who'd moved away. And if I'm honest, some of these friendships probably have weakened - but realistically they were already flimsy connections with people I used to work with, where we'd occasionally share a joke in a WhatsApp group but rarely talk one-on-one.

Edit: sorry for your loss, drummersaredeaf.

Ferris

Being back at uni has been great for this - I had the same feeling as Nags of "OH WAIT ACTUALLY I LIKE PEOPLE" when you're hanging out with new friends.

Canada has the annoying thing where you get into "bud" tier pretty quick, but the F(riend) word is quite rare, and I've heard it twice. Maybe I'm not an abject failure of anxiety made flesh - look, here's a witty anecdote! And there's plenty more where that came from!

After the isolation of lockdown and moving cities and working far too much, it's strange and nice to see the same gang of people regularly.

El Unicornio, mang

Meetup.com has been invaluable for this for me. Made a lot of new friends in the past 9 months through it. They're all younger than me, mostly early to mid 20s vs my 43 so they don't get a lot of my references (and vice versa) but otherwise fine.

Ferris

Quote from: drummersaredeaf on November 28, 2021, 01:11:31 PMThis is an interestingly timed post in that thoughts of friends and impending loneliness have been very much to the front of my mind recently.

About 7 weeks ago, a close friend of mine died aged 36. I met him about 12 years ago, and over time we became much closer, and I met lots of other people through him. In composing a eulogy, one of the things that came front and foremost was how he 'snowballed' friends - treating people without hierarchy, and organising otherwise disparate groups together - often so he could get more into a poker game, playing football, out on the piss or whatever, but still it was very much a fundamental part of the experience of being his mate. There were downsides to this of course - it meant sometimes being in the company of people that I had little in common with, and sometimes people I would have nothing to do with if not for him. Generally he introduced me to some good people, although not necessarily ones that I see much of now he's out of the picture.

I'm now 39 and mindful that my core group of mates is slowly becoming more distant. Moving to other areas - even 15 miles up the road can have a huge effect - having kids, taking on responsibilities at work and so on. Being at a bit of a crossroads myself I can foresee the next 10 years becoming a desolation thread made real if I'm not careful. His death has really drawn into focus how the things you take for granted can suddenly vanish, and that if I'm not careful and proactive I could find myself almost totally detached, becoming a Christmas Friend to those I once saw as brothers. But the question is - what can be done about it? I've been lucky to continue to make friends even into my 30s, but I appreciate that can't go on forever. We always used to joke about this guy going to pubs on his own and meeting the other barflies and strays at the weekend as our group outings became less frequent. We jokingly referred to it as Sad Lad Club - a group who seemed united only by their loneliness. But how do you avoid that?

Get on the amphetamines?

Really sorry to hear this. Was trying to come up with something more substantive but what else is there to say?


bgmnts

Havent had a proper friend in a very long time. Dont really need em.

pancreas


batwings


I appreciate the words, but don't want to derail the thread. The loss is the context, and I genuinely woke up bolt upright at 530 the other morning with the realisation that I could find myself very lonely very quickly depending on how things pan out.

The irony is that he shuffled into Sad Lad Club because many of our group started going out less frequently (I was the last man standing until he started crashing around with them and I found it too depressing), and in a way they contributed to his death. He developed epilepsy that was triggered by booze and lack of sleep and the silly cunt pogoed off the end of his bed and into grave a couple of nights after a huge session with them. In a way it's commendable to live so uncompromisingly, but I wish he'd done it with a group of people that were less tedious.

But yeah, back on topic. I've had an old flame who had to go back to the States after an expired visa on my case. Saying stuff like 'when are you going to move here and we'll get married. My ovaries won't last forever'. It's half tempting in a way, but I fear the same in another country but one where they all believe in God, carry guns, and don't realise Englishmen say cunt more often than they'll be comfortable with. Increasingly I feel like there's fuck all for me here though, and maybe doing something insane like hopping the Atlantic could be good for me. Plus, it's just over the water from Toronto so another possible addition to a CaB meet.

Glebe


Ferris

Quote from: drummersaredeaf on November 28, 2021, 01:59:56 PMI appreciate the words, but don't want to derail the thread. The loss is the context, and I genuinely woke up bolt upright at 530 the other morning with the realisation that I could find myself very lonely very quickly depending on how things pan out.

The irony is that he shuffled into Sad Lad Club because many of our group started going out less frequently (I was the last man standing until he started crashing around with them and I found it too depressing), and in a way they contributed to his death. He developed epilepsy that was triggered by booze and lack of sleep and the silly cunt pogoed off the end of his bed and into grave a couple of nights after a huge session with them. In a way it's commendable to live so uncompromisingly, but I wish he'd done it with a group of people that were less tedious.

But yeah, back on topic. I've had an old flame who had to go back to the States after an expired visa on my case. Saying stuff like 'when are you going to move here and we'll get married. My ovaries won't last forever'. It's half tempting in a way, but I fear the same in another country but one where they all believe in God, carry guns, and don't realise Englishmen say cunt more often than they'll be comfortable with. Increasingly I feel like there's fuck all for me here though, and maybe doing something insane like hopping the Atlantic could be good for me. Plus, it's just over the water from Toronto so another possible addition to a CaB meet.

I took a gamble because I felt like there was nothing for me in the UK so if I move somewhere else and get a shit job in an office, at least I'll be doing it in a somewhat novel locale.

It's worth a shout I think? Do something mad, fuck it why not.

Lemming

It's amazing that there's not some kind of building where you can just go with the aim of making friends. Coffee shops, pubs, libraries, etc don't count because it'd be fucking odd to just approach someone sat on their own in a coffee shop and say "hi! let's attempt to be friends!" They'd lock you up and throw away the key, and rightly so.

There needs to be a huge building where friendless and otherwise lonely people go with the explicit shared goal of making friends, where it's not considered odd to approach total strangers to chat because that's what everyone's there for. The building would be called a FRIEND EMPORIUM. There could be different floors of the building dedicated to different niche interests and beliefs, so they can find each other and the rest of us can safely filter out the weirdos. It'd be a bit like a university campus except without the massive drag factor of having to do a degree (or being removed by security when they find out you're not registered with the uni).

Literally everyone on the planet agrees that it's difficult and sometimes impossible to make friends as an adult, and yet nobody has made these FRIEND EMPORIUMS yet. Instead we all just sit around watching our lives drain away, desperately wishing we could meet new people, talk deeply with everyone, and experience what it actually means to be alive, but despite this globally shared experience, almost nobody actually does anything about it. At best you can join some kind of group event, which is inevitably a nightmare and also very strange if everyone else there already knows each other, like you're a shit new character being added during the sixth series of a TV show or something.

I'd launch the world-changing FRIEND EMPORIUM project myself but I have no money for the massive initial investment, nor would I be able to take the mental strain when the idea completely flops without any measure of success whatsoever.

Ferris

I find your ideas intriguing and would like to subscribe to your pamphlet or newsletter if there is one.

seepage

Quote from: El Unicornio, mang on November 28, 2021, 01:32:06 PMMeetup.com has been invaluable for this for me.

A local boardgame group is on meetup.com. Only downside is the social club they meet in has small pub tables which aren't suitable for the average board game, instead of a hall with trestle tables.

Sebastian Cobb

I was told a friend of a friend used meetup quite some time ago. I was told as hearsay but not really sneering or anything, just quite unusual at the time. Fair play really, I think there's something admirable about swallowing pride and running with it, the alternative is mugging yourself off I guess.

I guess a milder version is people who have hang ups against going to gigs / cinema etc by themselves. Fine, miss out then.

TrenterPercenter

Friends operate in a snowballing way; you meet one person and they introduce you to their friends who then introduce you to their friends.  Really it is just a case of nurturing the base of this process; basically joining in or going to places where people are and conversations can naturally occur.

Someone said something about why isn't there some place where people can go that is just for people to make friends.  Well there are lots of places that do this; I remember meeting up with my old friend a while back and he had a load of new friends that I presumed he had known for sometime but turns out they were all friends via some friends group on Facebook (tbh it was a bit weird seeing them all at his wedding when he hardly knew them).  I'm not sure what the advantages of these things are or why setting up groups with the expressed goal of people making friends is any less weird than meeting people on the fly but I'm sure they already exist.

Sebastian Cobb

The usual way, if pubs aren't your thing is to join hobby groups but I can empathise with being put off with having to find a hobby that attracts you as a means to an end of finding new friends at the same time as daunting.

flotemysost

Quote from: El Unicornio, mang on November 28, 2021, 01:32:06 PMMeetup.com has been invaluable for this for me.

Hard second to this. Obviously options will vary depending on where you're based - I suppose I'm spoilt for choice being in central London - but it's a really great way to not only meet people and get out, but also try new things without necessarily needing to make a regular commitment in the same way you would with signing up for a weekly course, for example.

Also, a lot of the events on there are free (perhaps with the expectation you'll buy a drink or two in the meetup venue).

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on November 28, 2021, 04:03:27 PMI was told a friend of a friend used meetup quite some time ago. I was told as hearsay but not really sneering or anything, just quite unusual at the time. Fair play really, I think there's something admirable about swallowing pride and running with it, the alternative is mugging yourself off I guess.

What is there to swallow pride about, though? In most of the ones I've been to, the primary focus has been the interest/activity, so there's no awkward HELLO I AM HERE TO MAKE A FRIEND aspect (not that it should be awkward anyway!) - even with events which are more obviously geared broadly towards forming social connections rather than a specific interest, like pub quizzes or debating groups, it feels organic and not forced, although of course naturally some people are more socially reticent than others and take longer to come out of their shells. (I know you weren't sneering btw, it just seems odd that anyone would.)

I recently re-downloaded the dating app Bumble and it's got an option on there for "friendship dates", which is a nice idea, though I haven't tried it yet. You have to select one or the other when you sign up though - either mates or dates - which is a bit annoying as there are probably loads of people who'd like more of both, but I can see how ambiguity might lead to crossed wires and confusion with the latter.

Sebastian Cobb

#22
Quote from: flotemysost on November 28, 2021, 05:23:24 PMWhat is there to swallow pride about, though?

None once you get into it I guess - as I said it's very similar to reservation about going to the cinema alone for instance, perhaps I'm projecting my own reticence, I dunno.

I guess by definition on embarking on the whole process you're admitting you have fewer friends than you'd like (not that amount of friends is a quantifiable thing unless you're a sociopath).

Famous Mortimer

I moved to a new place about five years ago, and had to go through the whole process of making friends again. I did the obvious things, like volunteering groups, political stuff and work, and did pretty well through that. But the most friends I made was from finding a bar that showed movies. After a few weeks, I got chatting with the barman, we had tons of favourite albums in common, and even though his bar closed down at the beginning of lockdown, we're still good friends. He introduced me to the other people who worked there, and while it's definitely not the same as my lifelong friends from back home, I have a group of people who seem to like me and will come to things that I arrange, invite me to things they're arranging, and so on.


flotemysost

Quote from: Sebastian Cobb on November 28, 2021, 05:39:26 PMNone once you get into it I guess - as I said it's very similar to reservation about going to the cinema alone for instance, perhaps I'm projecting my own reticence, I dunno.

I guess by definition on embarking on the whole process you're admitting you have fewer friends than you'd like (not that amount of friends is a quantifiable thing unless you're a sociopath).

Yeah, I get you. I guess for me, I realised in my late teens/early twenties I'd already wasted far too much time on feeling self-conscious and socially anxious and isolated and that life is way too fucking short, basically. I mean don't get me wrong, I still struggle with all that stuff internally, but most of the time I'd much rather be out doing something or being around people than sitting around indoors all day (although no shade towards people who are more geared towards that pace, of course) - so personally I've got zero qualms about going to the cinema/theatre/pub/cafe/museum etc. on my own (even if it doesn't always result in actually talking to anyone).

Also I'm just quite naturally restless and it feels like a wasted day if I haven't been out and experienced something new, even if it's just a different walk.

I appreciate this is a lot easier (and for many people, safer) to do in bigger/more densely populated areas so it's definitely a privilege, I'd probably really struggle in like a small village (for lots of reasons). I guess if you live somewhere fairly remote and/or sparsely populated and your existing social circle becomes increasingly unattainable - through people moving away/becoming busy with partners and children/dying/etc. - then it's definitely more of a challenge.

And re: safety, I can only imagine what it'd be like to be seen as "that person who's always hanging out at the one pub/cinema/etc. in town on their own", especially for a woman, or anyone who stands out in any way.

Quote from: Famous Mortimer on November 28, 2021, 05:45:34 PMI moved to a new place about five years ago, and had to go through the whole process of making friends again. I did the obvious things, like volunteering groups, political stuff and work, and did pretty well through that. But the most friends I made was from finding a bar that showed movies. After a few weeks, I got chatting with the barman, we had tons of favourite albums in common, and even though his bar closed down at the beginning of lockdown, we're still good friends. He introduced me to the other people who worked there, and while it's definitely not the same as my lifelong friends from back home, I have a group of people who seem to like me and will come to things that I arrange, invite me to things they're arranging, and so on.


Aw, that's cool.

Sebastian Cobb

Quote from: flotemysost on November 28, 2021, 06:24:34 PMYeah, I get you. I guess for me, I realised in my late teens/early twenties I'd already wasted far too much time on feeling self-conscious and socially anxious and isolated and that life is way too fucking short, basically. I mean don't get me wrong, I still struggle with all that stuff internally, but most of the time I'd much rather be out doing something or being around people than sitting around indoors all day (although no shade towards people who are more geared towards that pace, of course) - so personally I've got zero qualms about going to the cinema/theatre/pub/cafe/museum etc. on my own (even if it doesn't always result in actually talking to anyone).

Also I'm just quite naturally restless and it feels like a wasted day if I haven't been out and experienced something new, even if it's just a different walk.

I appreciate this is a lot easier (and for many people, safer) to do in bigger/more densely populated areas so it's definitely a privilege, I'd probably really struggle in like a small village (for lots of reasons). I guess if you live somewhere fairly remote and/or sparsely populated and your existing social circle becomes increasingly unattainable - through people moving away/becoming busy with partners and children/dying/etc. - then it's definitely more of a challenge.

And re: safety, I can only imagine what it'd be like to be seen as "that person who's always hanging out at the one pub/cinema/etc. in town on their own", especially for a woman, or anyone who stands out in any way.

Aw, that's cool.

I guess the solo thing happened to me when I was at uni and a pal agreed to go down Jungle Nation and see Roni Size but instead decided to stay in the pub and was then taken aback because my attitude was 'well alright then, I'm off there anyway'.

It's all layered though I guess. I think a lot of this is down to my own hangups about 'joining apps' and stuff... Happy  to turn up to this and that and get involved or slink off, but registering interest? Formally agreeing to attend? It's the most sensible way to do stuff but also daunting.

Cerys

I thought I'd made a new friend, but it turned out that she was just mentally ill :(

Quote from: Lemming on November 28, 2021, 02:51:21 PMIt's amazing that there's not some kind of building where you can just go with the aim of making friends. Coffee shops, pubs, libraries, etc don't count because it'd be fucking odd to just approach someone sat on their own in a coffee shop and say "hi! let's attempt to be friends!" They'd lock you up and throw away the key, and rightly so.

There needs to be a huge building where friendless and otherwise lonely people go with the explicit shared goal of making friends, where it's not considered odd to approach total strangers to chat because that's what everyone's there for. The building would be called a FRIEND EMPORIUM. There could be different floors of the building dedicated to different niche interests and beliefs, so they can find each other and the rest of us can safely filter out the weirdos. It'd be a bit like a university campus except without the massive drag factor of having to do a degree (or being removed by security when they find out you're not registered with the uni).

Literally everyone on the planet agrees that it's difficult and sometimes impossible to make friends as an adult, and yet nobody has made these FRIEND EMPORIUMS yet. Instead we all just sit around watching our lives drain away, desperately wishing we could meet new people, talk deeply with everyone, and experience what it actually means to be alive, but despite this globally shared experience, almost nobody actually does anything about it. At best you can join some kind of group event, which is inevitably a nightmare and also very strange if everyone else there already knows each other, like you're a shit new character being added during the sixth series of a TV show or something.

I'd launch the world-changing FRIEND EMPORIUM project myself but I have no money for the massive initial investment, nor would I be able to take the mental strain when the idea completely flops without any measure of success whatsoever.

Nice idea, but would absolutely be ruined by sexual predators almost immediately.

Norton Canes


Cloud

I'm lucky enough to have a couple of friends from school who remained single and childless and my closest mates. Making new friends is more... different. I find that if you're a regular in the pub then you make a bunch of "sort of friends" there but they're not as close. They're more "somewhere between acquaintances and friends".  Meanwhile have made some of my other best friends online through mutual interests, but don't see them in person more than once or twice a year.