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Big Babies - another infantile language thread

Started by Twonty Gostelow, May 23, 2022, 11:28:31 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

jamiefairlie

#30
Quote from: QDRPHNC on May 24, 2022, 05:12:20 PMMarketing - the department for people who "have a lot of ideas" but can't do strategy, planning or design.

That person who "quit" their "six figure job in the city" to "pivot" into marmalades? Marketer.

That person who "quit" their "six figure job in the city" to write a mystery novel? Marketer.

That person who "quit" their "six figure job in the city" to go into business for themselves as a copywriter and logo designer and brand ambassador and social media and content marketer and strategist and websites and influencer and mentor and speaker?

Marketer.

Edit: Sorry, not offence to any marketers present, I've just run into too many bad ones and I'm feeling punchy today.

We so need a Golgafrinchan process. All of these people add nothing of value to humanity. Anyone who refers to themselves as an "Influencer" can be first on board the ark.

tourism

oh no not someone who doesn't add to humanity that's not yum at all!

mippy

You know what thing irritates me atm, language-wise? "Joke" pronouns. Gervais tier patter.

Twonty Gostelow

You've reminded me that the 'possessive/demonstrative' in my profile as types of pronoun that describe me seemed funny only for the first 10 minutes (bit like my posts). Neil's fault for not specifying 'personal pronouns'.

flotemysost

Quote from: Gurke and Hare on May 24, 2022, 11:45:15 PMYou should all write a poem about it and send it to the Derby Telegraph.

I remember the ads of my childhood,
Simple facts on which you could depend
There was none of this childish nonsense,
Emails acting as if they're your friend
These days, you turn on the telly
And the snowflakes have taken control
All this "hey, pal!" and "oopsie!" is madness
But maybe I'm just getting old
I can't stand being talked down to,
It's really driving me potty
Anyway, I'd best be off now
Need to plop-plop out of my botty

Twonty Gostelow

I don't even mind playful copywriting if there's a bit of ingenuity and creativity behind it, but when it's a bank that's got my money I don't want some twat writing Ta-Da!  just for giving me what I need to get hold of it.

touchingcloth

My friends brought their kid round for the first time today, but all he could do was go "wah", shit himself, and suck on a tit. I was much more advanced at 28 years old.

The Bumlord

Quote from: touchingcloth on May 26, 2022, 11:19:38 PMMy friends brought their kid round for the first time today, but all he could do was go "wah", shit himself, and suck on a tit. I was much more advanced at 28 years old.

I'll be honest, that guy's got life worked out.

Blue Jam

#38
Quote from: Gurke and Hare on May 24, 2022, 11:45:15 PMYou should all write a poem about it and send it to the Derby Telegraph.

Remember when language was much more grown-up
No health warning came with the pint you would sup
No gory photos on your cigarettes
No laws stopped you beating your children and pets
God Save The Queen played before all the movies
We drank pints of bitter, not Innocent smoothies
We didn't eat health food, we thought it a bore!
That's why we all died at about 54

touchingcloth

Quote from: Blue Jam on May 29, 2022, 05:14:08 PMRemember when language was much more grown-up
No health warning came with the pint you would sup
No gory photos on your cigarettes
No laws stopped you beating your children and pets
God Save The Queen played before all the movies
We drank pints of bitter, not Innocent smoothies
We didn't eat health food, we thought it a bore!
That's why we all died at about 54

-Public Health England

danwho9

Quote from: Blue Jam on May 29, 2022, 05:14:08 PMRemember when language was much more grown-up
No health warning came with the pint you would sup
No gory photos on your cigarettes
No laws stopped you beating your children and pets
God Save The Queen played before all the movies
We drank pints of bitter, not Innocent smoothies
We didn't eat health food, we thought it a bore!
That's why we all died at about 54


Masterpiece. Give Blue Jam this year's poet laureate-ship!

Blue Jam

Quote from: danwho9 on May 29, 2022, 06:22:35 PMMasterpiece. Give Blue Jam this year's poet laureate-ship!

Cheers, but I really think @flotemysost deserves it.

Have we had a boomer. poetry slam in HS Art yet?

flotemysost

Thanks Blue Jam, I enjoyed yours too!

And I'd be well up for that, the gammon doggerel thread in 2020 gave me a lot of joy.

The Ombudsman

QuoteWe are absolutely over the moon to confirm that your item will be delivered between 14:20-16:20.

if you're a busy bee and not there to say hi, we will follow your delivery instructions.

Fuck Off

gilbertharding

Quote from: jamiefairlie on May 25, 2022, 06:45:26 PMWe so need a Golgafrinchan process. All of these people add nothing of value to humanity.

Quite apart from everything else, you remember how the whole Golgafrinchan society was eventually wiped out?

gilbertharding

Quote from: QDRPHNC on May 24, 2022, 05:47:28 PMI won't say who and from what company was delivering the seminar, but they talked about users tweeting their "joy moment" when they reached this end of this particular process, and I couldn't help but think what kind of sad bastard would A. Find joy in any kind of online process, and B. Not see it as the transparent pandering focus-grouped shite that it is, and C. Publicly admit it to their friends.


Not completely connected but I was once asked about my recent experience of using my bank's local branch.

One of the questions was about how likely I was to recommend this thing to my friends. I put '0', because a) I have no friends I b) would recommend a bank to. I literally couldn't think of a thing less likely to happen.

As a result of this, someone from the bank rang me up to see what my problem was - and I had to explain it to her.

king_tubby

Quote from: gilbertharding on May 31, 2022, 10:36:06 AMQuite apart from everything else, you remember how the whole Golgafrinchan society was eventually wiped out?

Yes, I was going to post this too. Adams' point gets commonly missed.

gilbertharding

Quote from: king_tubby on May 31, 2022, 10:57:02 AMYes, I was going to post this too. Adams' point gets commonly missed.

Mind you - the only time I've ever encountered a person who actually worked as a telephone sanitiser was in the early 90s. And apart from the last two years when it looked as if that might be an occupation with genuine potential to benefit humanity, we've mostly been fine.

touchingcloth

Quote from: gilbertharding on May 31, 2022, 10:43:04 AMNot completely connected but I was once asked about my recent experience of using my bank's local branch.

One of the questions was about how likely I was to recommend this thing to my friends. I put '0', because a) I have no friends I b) would recommend a bank to. I literally couldn't think of a thing less likely to happen.

As a result of this, someone from the bank rang me up to see what my problem was - and I had to explain it to her.

Those little :) :| :( buttons outside public lavs.

Who's leaving a toilet that's a proper filthy grothole and then touching a :( button with their bare hands?

Uncle TechTip

Quote from: gilbertharding on May 31, 2022, 10:43:04 AMNot completely connected but I was once asked about my recent experience of using my bank's local branch.

One of the questions was about how likely I was to recommend this thing to my friends. I put '0', because a) I have no friends I b) would recommend a bank to. I literally couldn't think of a thing less likely to happen.

As a result of this, someone from the bank rang me up to see what my problem was - and I had to explain it to her.

Ok, so you wouldn't go round extolling the virtues of Big Bank, but if someone said to you, hey you use Big Bank, are they any good? Would you have said do not bank with them, just out of brazenness? Truthfully you should have given at least a 1 and they were right to contact you.

gilbertharding

Quote from: Uncle TechTip on May 31, 2022, 11:47:32 AMOk, so you wouldn't go round extolling the virtues of Big Bank, but if someone said to you, hey you use Big Bank, are they any good? Would you have said do not bank with them, just out of brazenness? Truthfully you should have given at least a 1 and they were right to contact you.

As I say, the question was about likelihood, and I simply could not foresee the circumstances of it coming up in conversation as you suggest.

You're right though - if someone had asked me, I would not have said 'don't bank with them'. I would have shrugged and said 'they're a bank - what do you want from them?'

Uncle TechTip

Side of a loaf of Soreen

The secret's in the squidge
Squeeze me. Come on. Don't be shy. There. Feel that? That's squidy power, that is. Deliciously chewy fruitiness bursting with energy to help keep you fuelled up and ready for action. But don't take my squidginess too literally - I'm low in fat too.

Not so much infantile as overtly sexual. But, this is the toss that MARKETERS come up with for money. Look at it, tossed off in five minutes with zero rewrites. The essence of "that'll do"

Dex Sawash

Quote from: Uncle TechTip on May 31, 2022, 11:47:32 AMOk, so you wouldn't go round extolling the virtues of Big Bank, but if someone said to you, hey you use Big Bank, are they any good?

#shorts

touchingcloth

Quote from: gilbertharding on May 31, 2022, 11:53:05 AMAs I say, the question was about likelihood, and I simply could not foresee the circumstances of it coming up in conversation as you suggest.

You're right though - if someone had asked me, I would not have said 'don't bank with them'. I would have shrugged and said 'they're a bank - what do you want from them?'

I think this points to how homogenous everything is with UK consumer banking, not to say that that's a bad thing. Here in Portugal banks charge for services which are free in most UK banks - my Santander account charges me a small monthly fee just to keep the account open, plus there are separate fees for things like BACS transfers and having multiple debit cards linked to the same account. Different banks charge different rates for these services, so there's more that would cause you to recommend one account over another, such as no monthly service charge but higher % fees for transfers, or the lack of an in-branch service meaning you need to do everything over the phone or online (and there are some account types that don't offer any form of internet banking at all, which seems mental to me). ATMs are often linked to banks so you'll see places with three ATMs side-by-side but where your card will only work in one of them, or where one of them will be free to use and the other two will charge you different fees to make a withdrawal.

Having had Lloyds, HSBS, Nationwide and Monzo accounts in the UK, the only thing that really differentiated them was how usable their online interfaces were, or whether their in-branch employees sat behind their desks WANKING.

gilbertharding


I think you're right. Between us my wife and I have current accounts with three UK banks, and I had dealings with a fourth due to power of attorney, and they are/were all fine... Occasionally the bureaucracy involved in one or two of the things we've done has been briefly frustrating, but it's all been overcome in the end, and none of the people we've encountered while using their services has called any of us a cunt.

Could I give that a number out of 10 for a survey? Depends what the question was.

I filled in a survey recently (can't remember what for, but it was a tourist attraction we'd visited on holiday), where I noticed that if you gave anything less than 8, it asked you a follow up question, and offered to escalate matters.

QDRPHNC

Quote from: gilbertharding on May 31, 2022, 10:43:04 AMNot completely connected but I was once asked about my recent experience of using my bank's local branch.

I recently ordered some KFC online, went and picked it up.
The order was wrong.
Got a typical "how did we do" follow-up email.
Promised me a free small popcorn chicken for my feedback.
So I gave them my feedback, which was that my order was wrong.
Got an automated response saying sorry, and to make up for it, I could have a free small popcorn chicken.
Offer expired in 3 days.
The email had a button that said "Accept Apology".
The email was signed by Col. Sanders.

gilbertharding

Quote from: QDRPHNC on May 31, 2022, 02:14:32 PMI recently ordered some KFC online, went and picked it up.
The order was wrong.
Got a typical "how did we do" follow-up email.
Promised me a free small popcorn chicken for my feedback.
So I gave them my feedback, which was that my order was wrong.
Got an automated response saying sorry, and to make up for it, I could have a free small popcorn chicken.
Offer expired in 3 days.
The email had a button that said "Accept Apology".
The email was signed by Col. Sanders.

Ha ha! And did you accept the apology? They might up the ante. Hold out for a Zinger Tower.

QDRPHNC

I did Accept Apology, because the thought of some dipshit somewhere getting excited about their Accept Apology button engagement metrics made me smile.

Head Gardener


Cold Meat Platter

And I suppose there was no 'stick apology up your arse' button anyway.