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Families at WAR!

Started by monkfromhavana, April 11, 2022, 08:14:20 AM

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Replies From View

Quote from: Catalogue of ills on April 11, 2022, 03:39:05 PMAre you doing a 'bit'? Everyone knows what an executor is.

Hello!  There is always someone performing this role and I am so glad it could be you today.


On an unrelated note, nobody knows what an executor is so stop lying please.

madhair60

edit: changed my mind. was a very funny one though, lucky you if you caught it

shiftwork2

I did, it was fuckin ace.

Remind me what it was again

monkfromhavana



I arranged with both of my brothers (Eldest = cunt and Other brother = get onw ell but stresshead) via group text to arrange the wake and seemed to be able to manage it without any fuss.

My eldest brother calls about picking up the death certificate - we were all going to go, but apparently they is a rule where only one person was allowed inside. He asked us both (separate phone calls) if we were happy for him to go and do this (with sister-in law on speaker phone with him), which we both said "yes". We said though that we all wanted to go to the funeral directors together to give them a certificate.

Eldest says he'll get 6 certificates, I don't know how many we'll need, but we can always get more easily enough. Other brother is pissed off with us only getting 6. Other brother also pissed off about numbers being catered for at the wake, eldest wanted 30, other brother 35. So other brother is on phone to me pissed off about this.

Last night eldest brother and other brother meet and discuss it, apparently "eldest brother just not listening" - for me, it's not a big issue and not a hill worth dying on. Eldest brother says that he'll just drop a certificate off at funeral directors, nothing else.

Today I get a 30-second call from eldest brother "certs got OK, chaplain is coming around on Thursday for memories etc"... which to me implies that he wasn't "just dropping a cert off", but again..it's not something I am going to kick off about.

I call other brother to relay this, eldest has called but other brother missed call. He's like "So HE DID go inside etc etc. Hangs up.

5 mins later other brother calls me back - he's rang the funeral directors and asked them if eldest brother and sister-in-law are still there, gets told that they left some time ago. He's then "SO HE DIDN 'T GO ALONE!! That's all I have to say" and hangs up.

Then he calls back,  has called the death certificate office and done the same, no he went in there with my sister-in-law. So either the rules changed overnight, they're so lax that it doesn't really matter, or it was all bollocks.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure if I care too much, but I am a bit pissed off that things were not communicated properly. Other brother is shaking with rage and stress etc etc. It's best just not to know sometimes, although he has form for this kind of thing.

For me, this is all is vastly outweighing the stress of the actual funeral and bereavement. Other brother is single and still lives in family home, so I need to be there for him as he doesn't have anyone else, but FFS.

I find ranting on here very therapeutic, and please feel free to make any jokes / take the piss as much as you like.


Buelligan

Yeah, rant away.  Sounds very much like my mother's death situation (my brother was living in her house, he has MS).  Our sister took over in this way, really pushed us out.  As far as I was concerned I would've been happy to pile everything up, even the good stuff, along with the money and burn the lot, rather than fighting.  I made that very clear. 

But my brother needed a roof and I think, my sister's interest was primarily in finally asserting her dominance over us both (could not give a fuck) and benefitting financially to my brother's cost (really gave a fuck).

It ended up as bad as it could have been short of murder.  I sometimes wonder if there was anything I could've done to avoid all the hell.  Being less involved, being more involved.  I really do not know. 

My only advice is to see all your brother's provocation and drama as being some kind of necessary explosion of negativity, not personal, just something he needs to do.  Try to let it wash past and do your best to make whatever happens as positive as you're able without allowing yourself to react angrily if at all possible.

Go in peace, survive, protect those you love and let the rest fall away.

Edit to add - BTW, have you established who your father's executor is?  If he died without nominating one, then you all have an equal right and could take the role together, three people ensuring that decisions are at least vaguely democratic.  Be aware, if you have any strong ideas about funeral/grave arrangements, apparently, the person who does the deal, buys the plot or whatever, has a legal right over the grave.  They get the say so over things like headstones.  We didn't know this and our sister was able to stop us having a memorial stone of any kind for our mum.  So check that out if you care about such things.

robhug

Judging by all the shit thats going down, it would have been preferable if he hadnt died

Catalogue of ills

You do get 6 interim death certificates as standard until the cause of death is certified, if that helps at all.

Gurke and Hare

Quote from: monkfromhavana on April 12, 2022, 01:24:57 PMthey're so lax that it doesn't really matter,

I'd be inclined to think it was this, there's a lot of it around at the moment.

monkfromhavana

Apparently, eldest bro has just turned up at the house, other bro is working from home, and eldest has just walked around taking meter readings. Not sure why he couldn't ask my brother to take them.
Quote from: Buelligan on April 12, 2022, 01:36:59 PMEdit to add - BTW, have you established who your father's executor is?  If he died without nominating one, then you all have an equal right and could take the role together, three people ensuring that decisions are at least vaguely democratic.  Be aware, if you have any strong ideas about funeral/grave arrangements, apparently, the person who does the deal, buys the plot or whatever, has a legal right over the grave.  They get the say so over things like headstones.  We didn't know this and our sister was able to stop us having a memorial stone of any kind for our mum.  So check that out if you care about such things.

I think we're all executor then, but I don't think that anything that happens will be democratic, rights or not.

Also, please feel free to call me a cunt if it sounds like I'm being a cunt.

Buelligan

I'm unsure about this - I believe that, if a person dies without naming someone to administer their estate, you need to apply to do that.  The legal right doesn't just fall to whoever pitches in.  So, if you want to really piss off your big brother or make sure he doesn't bully you and your other brother, you should think quickly about applying to be the administrator, applying for probate, (if that's what you want).

https://www.gov.uk/applying-for-probate/apply-for-probate

I don't think you're being a cunt at all. 

Replies From View

Hello I don't think you are being a cunt

Buelligan

You're not being a cunt either, RFV.  You probably have been one at some stage in the past (it may have been something forced upon you, I like to think so) and you may well be one in the future, who can say, the world being what it is?

monkfromhavana

Quote from: Replies From View on April 12, 2022, 03:00:52 PMHello I don't think you are being a cunt

There's a first time for everything.

My 2 brothers are the dream team who will be the executors of the will. Eldest brother was there taking pics of documents (will etc), which is fine. After he's left, other brother calls me and tells me that he's told eldest bro that I want to see the will, which he is then going to bring round to me this afternoon and wants me to keep it here until we need it.

Now, this to me sounds like a very bad idea and an escalation of the type of bullshittery that has already happened. I understand why he wants me to keep it (so eldest brother doesn't just take it), but removing it from the house without all 3 of us agreeing on it is a bad idea.

Buelligan

I can only say.  Apply now for probate or take a step back from all the detail and, as you say, bullshittery, if you have no power or role, don't be their audience.  Because believe me, Act Two, often includes audience participation if you let angry mad people run the show.

Better off out, is my advice.  The day before person X died, did any of us think we had the right to anything they owned - No.  So why not make today and tomorrow the same?  It's not as if we're actually losing anything (except person X).

Replies From View

Is it possible that the three of you need to get together for a drink and meal and grieve together, get it out of your systems?  Just you three, no other halves etc.  Talk about everything and nothing, have a bit of a cry, get stuff out into the open and hopefully open the door to better future communication.  Maybe you have already done this or suggested it and it's fallen on deaf ears.  But it seems to me like your eldest brother for example is doing all this admin in solitude as his own act of personal mourning, and it needs to be separated out because it's not an appropriate thing to do in a process that needs to be collaborative and completely shared. 

But you have already said this is kind of what he is always like so what would I know.

monkfromhavana

Quote from: Replies From View on April 12, 2022, 03:17:33 PMIs it possible that the three of you need to get together for a drink and meal and grieve together, get it out of your systems?  Just you three, no other halves etc.  Talk about everything and nothing, have a bit of a cry, get stuff out into the open and hopefully open the door to better future communication.  Maybe you have already done this or suggested it and it's fallen on deaf ears.  But it seems to me like your eldest brother for example is doing all this admin in solitude as his own act of personal mourning, and it needs to be separated out because it's not an appropriate thing to do in a process that needs to be collaborative and completely shared. 

But you have already said this is kind of what he is always like so what would I know.

Us going out and having a drink together is a spectacularly bad idea (in our situation), it really would not end well at all.

When my mother died, my dad decided to run the organisation of it through my sister-in-law almost exclusively. The level of communication was such that we had to call up the funeral directors to ask them what time the funeral was.

On our parents 40th wedding anniversary, we all agreed that we would go out for a family meal. We met at parents house and my eldest brother and sister-in-law were surprisingly well dressed. We go the the place for the meal and waheyy it's a surprise party with about 40 guests.

monkfromhavana

Quote from: Buelligan on April 12, 2022, 03:14:08 PMI can only say.  Apply now for probate or take a step back from all the detail and, as you say, bullshittery, if you have no power or role, don't be their audience.  Because believe me, Act Two, often includes audience participation if you let angry mad people run the show.

Better off out, is my advice.  The day before person X died, did any of us think we had the right to anything they owned - No.  So why not make today and tomorrow the same?  It's not as if we're actually losing anything (except person X).

My problem is, I am very close to my other brother, and as person I've very much a non-confrontational person. Also anxiety often manifests itself in me as inertia. My other brother is kind of saying to me that we need to stand up to him together instead of me just hiding away hoping it all blows over. But standing together at times does feel a little like I am being manipulated. For E.G. this afternoon I get a text from other bro that's he's told eldest bro that I want to have a look at the will, when I have said no such thing.

Buelligan

FWIW, when it happened to me, I laid out my cards to my two siblings - basically, we're all family, we all love each other, we're all extremely sad that mum's dead.  So let's take care of each other, get through this together with love and understanding, we can all work to make sure everyone's OK... etc.  Worked like I'd just delivered a giant shit.

Some people can't put their own emotions aside, step back and act sane.  They just cannot.  They need drama and fighting and when there's an excuse, like a bereavement, the dogs of war are let off the fucking leash with alacrity.

If you want my advice.  Tell them that you're uncomfortable.  That you don't want drama.  That you're stepping back if they can't play nice.  Then just let them get on with it, because it sounds like they're going to, whether you let them drag you in or not.

Replies From View

Do you have any boglins in that house or anything?  Best take them soon before your elder brother sets them on fire.

Buelligan


Ferris

[ferris mentions his family whatsapp thread]

Yes, I posted a reply in there which I typically don't do. Yes I have muted it for a day.

As Buelligan points out, some people just cannot help themselves. Any (ludicrously mild) challenge is a direct affront and serious insult that must be repudiated fully.

Sometimes the best thing for all involved is to step back and try and keep yourself sane.

Poirots BigGarlickyCorpse

All this drama is why I'm planning to employ a young woman as my live-in companion when I get old and decrepit, and then leave everything to her in order to trick my niece and nephew into thinking she murdered me.

My mother's already told me that when she and the old man are gone, the four of us kids are to just pile everything into the house and set it alight. Claim the insurance and save ourselves the hassle of clearing it out.

monkfromhavana

Hello people,

All 3 of us are executioners executors of the will, and probate will be going through the solicitors.

However, in little meeting we have just had, eldest cunt brother wants other brother (who still lives in the house and has done for 20+ years, acting as carer to parents) to pay rent to him whilst the property is going through probate.

This to me is supremely cunty activity, but does he have any right to do this? My brother has the option to move out, but can't afford to do that. Surely the house still belongs to dad's estate, and eldest has no right to be collecting rent on a property he doesn't own. My other brother has no problems paying rent, if he wants to stay in the house, after probate, but will in all probabilty move out (cos then he will be able to afford to).

Buelligan

It is cunty.  Yes.  But pick your battles, that is my advice. 

If you wanted a massive fight over this, it might be worth checking what nice bro's rights are with a solicitor.  I'd guess, if he's been living in the family home for a while rent free, he may have a right to continue occupying the property and changing his status, by agreeing to pay your brother rent, may negate it.

Also, consider copying them both a cheery email each time you meet to agree or discuss things, just outlining what's been discussed and agreed.  Make sure it's very light and friendly but clear.  You know, that whole fucking, it was great to see you both and your cunt partners yesterday at the place we met's name, where we agreed that Billy will now pay you, Cunto, £xxx pcm to continue living in his own home and so on.

If you start off like this, keeping a nice cheery little record of everything, people will hopefully be more careful of one another's feelings and looking supremely cunty on record.  Best of luck old sport.

Neomod

If I was your house residing brother I would at best ignore McCunto's request and at worst knock him out.

On a serious note I think it's a more complicated situation anyway as he would be paying rent to the estate not McC directly.

This happened in my family and was shot down immediately.

Also if it's just you three as the beneficiaries get your names on the deeds, you will save thousands on Capital Gains Tax.

Catalogue of ills

Quote from: monkfromhavana on April 14, 2022, 02:17:18 PMHello people,

All 3 of us are executioners executors of the will, and probate will be going through the solicitors.

However, in little meeting we have just had, eldest cunt brother wants other brother (who still lives in the house and has done for 20+ years, acting as carer to parents) to pay rent to him whilst the property is going through probate.

I'm in the mood for a fight at the moment, so will happily chin this cunt for you. No rent is due cos there's no tenancy. The cunt.

Gurke and Hare

Quote from: Neomod on April 14, 2022, 03:04:10 PMOn a serious note I think it's a more complicated situation anyway as he would be paying rent to the estate not McC directly.

Yes. I don't know the actual legal position, but I'd guess that as joint executors you're the administrators of the account, and should take a vote on whether he has to pay rent or not.

monkfromhavana

Yeah, he's taking advice from his work who offer a bereavement service, as well as advice from some of his friends who worked as solicitors.

I think it's a load of bollocks, as at the moment we don't own the house, it's still in dad's estate which is going through probate. After probate has finished, then we will jointly own the house and rent can be asked for, although I very much doubt it will be paid.

Catalogue of ills

Rent is only due if there is a contract that says rent is due. So where's the contract?

PlanktonSideburns

Quote from: monkfromhavana on April 12, 2022, 01:24:57 PMI arranged with both of my brothers (Eldest = cunt and Other brother = get onw ell but stresshead) via group text to arrange the wake and seemed to be able to manage it without any fuss.

My eldest brother calls about picking up the death certificate - we were all going to go, but apparently they is a rule where only one person was allowed inside. He asked us both (separate phone calls) if we were happy for him to go and do this (with sister-in law on speaker phone with him), which we both said "yes". We said though that we all wanted to go to the funeral directors together to give them a certificate.

Eldest says he'll get 6 certificates, I don't know how many we'll need, but we can always get more easily enough. Other brother is pissed off with us only getting 6. Other brother also pissed off about numbers being catered for at the wake, eldest wanted 30, other brother 35. So other brother is on phone to me pissed off about this.

Last night eldest brother and other brother meet and discuss it, apparently "eldest brother just not listening" - for me, it's not a big issue and not a hill worth dying on. Eldest brother says that he'll just drop a certificate off at funeral directors, nothing else.

Today I get a 30-second call from eldest brother "certs got OK, chaplain is coming around on Thursday for memories etc"... which to me implies that he wasn't "just dropping a cert off", but again..it's not something I am going to kick off about.

I call other brother to relay this, eldest has called but other brother missed call. He's like "So HE DID go inside etc etc. Hangs up.

5 mins later other brother calls me back - he's rang the funeral directors and asked them if eldest brother and sister-in-law are still there, gets told that they left some time ago. He's then "SO HE DIDN 'T GO ALONE!! That's all I have to say" and hangs up.

Then he calls back,  has called the death certificate office and done the same, no he went in there with my sister-in-law. So either the rules changed overnight, they're so lax that it doesn't really matter, or it was all bollocks.

I'll be honest, I'm not sure if I care too much, but I am a bit pissed off that things were not communicated properly. Other brother is shaking with rage and stress etc etc. It's best just not to know sometimes, although he has form for this kind of thing.

For me, this is all is vastly outweighing the stress of the actual funeral and bereavement. Other brother is single and still lives in family home, so I need to be there for him as he doesn't have anyone else, but FFS.

I find ranting on here very therapeutic, and please feel free to make any jokes / take the piss as much as you like.


Fuck that sounds stressful - I think you're wise to try and remain cool about things, you've got two people trying to drive you made in different ways there