The Great British Bake-Off 2023

[jamiefairlie]

Abbi looks like Snow White after 15 years of unfulfilling marriage.

[dissolute ocelot]

Biscuit Week was fun, despite still a lack of big personalities. Would be nice if they judged the custard cream round on the basis of whatever tasted most like a shitty flavourless 29p-bargain-range. But illusion rounds are entertaining, especially when there are such widely divergent takes on tomatoes. There's always someone who could not make anything look pretty if their life depended on it.

[The Late Satoru Iwata]

The cut to Keith when they praised Josh's tomato biscuit was a masterfully harsh edit.

[Mr Trumpet]

Just started with this, watched episode one. Enjoyable so far. The official photo of Abbi is very unflattering, she actually looks like the sort of wholesome farm girl they'd put on a WW2 poster. The mad colour grading of the show makes Tasha look like she's been huffing Spice on Arrakis. I'm fairly sure Keith is being played by Mark Rylance.

My brother-in-law has been trying to get on the show for the last couple of years, made it through the first few steps of the process each time. Couldn't have him on this year though as they have Rowan, who's a similar type.

[DoesNotFollow]

I'm gonna be using variations of "You understand bread... and I like that" for a while I think.

[Edinho]

Not watched this for a couple of years but I've enjoyed what I've seen of this series in a low-key kind of way (which is exactly how it should be enjoyed). Was enjoying Abbi, shame to see her leave.

[centristmelt]

The fit ones are staying in, which is good

[jamiefairlie]

The puerile innuendos are reality testing on me now. They used to arise naturally but they're so forced now "beaver, oh tee hee" "balls, oh my sides , he said balls "

The Hollywood worship is pure shit too, he knows fuck all more than any competent baker.

Tasha seems nice though.

[daf]

The Hollywood worship is pure shit too, he knows fuck all more than any competent baker.

Turns out his dad ran a bakery - BENT!

[daf]

The official photo of Abbi is very unflattering, she actually looks like the sort of wholesome farm girl they'd put on a WW2 poster.

Straight out of Beatrix Potter (Mrs Bramble the Poacher's wife)

[dissolute ocelot]

Bread week was another low-key quite-good one. Tasha definitely seems set for glory without being quite as amazing as some champions. Not convinced by the technical, those cream buns can fuck right off, with that and custard creams last week, seem to be intentionally making shit. Feel someone should have fashioned a noose for the plait round and hung themselves, but probably would be too doughy and break. Also, Nicki's hair is really annoying me. How much hairspray does it take to get it that messy?

[pierre boo-lez]

The puerile innuendos are reality testing on me now. They used to arise naturally but they're so forced now "beaver, oh tee hee" "balls, oh my sides , he said balls ".

All of the forced innuendos feel like they've been added in deliberately so they can be made into clips for twitter/Instagram/tik tok. It's not just baking it's TOP BANTZ.

[dissolute ocelot]

All of the forced innuendos feel like they've been added in deliberately so they can be made into clips for twitter/Instagram/tik tok. It's not just baking it's TOP BANTZ.

Chocolate week was non-stop nuts in mouths. Guess we should be grateful nobody made a chocolate starfish (not really any figurative baking at all this week).

[daf]

Was just about to bump this thread, having just finished watching this week's episode.

Poor Tasha stuck by an attack of the vapours (somebody loosen her corset!). I kept trying to spot her during the final showstopper : Is she there? ... She must be there - it's another day!  ... What's happened to her? ... Has she evaporated in a puff of steam? ... WILL SOMEBODY JUST PLEASE TELL MEEEEE!!!

Once it became obvious that she wasn't there for the last two challenges, it was clear nobody was going home - which was good news for ... (checks crib sheet) ... Saku (my second favourite) - who was on course to get absolutely mega bin-caked off.

[JesusAndYourBush]

They're giving each other reacharounds on Extra Slice right now.

But yeah, it was another day, why wasn't she there?

[dissolute ocelot]

Was just about to bump this thread, having just finished watching this week's episode.

Poor Tasha stuck by an attack of the vapours (somebody loosen her corset!). I kept trying to spot her during the final showstopper : Is she there? ... She must be there - it's another day!  ... What's happened to her? ... Has she evaporated in a puff of steam? ... WILL SOMEBODY JUST PLEASE TELL MEEEEE!!!

Once it became obvious that she wasn't there for the last two challenges, it was clear nobody was going home - which was good news for ... (checks crib sheet) ... Saku (my second favourite) - who was on course to get absolutely mega bin-caked off.

She apparently felt faint during the torte challenge, complaining about the heat in the tent, and producers told her to sit out the following day. Chocolate week is always scheduled for the hottest day of the year, though not sure other contestants were feeling the heat too badly. The Sun (warning: link to the Sun) is claiming she faked it, just like all deaf people are faking and if you shout at them long enough they know what you mean.

[Huxleys Babkins]

I've noticed a lot of utter cunts seem to have it in for Tasha. Hope she wins the whole thing to spite them.

[seepage]

Throwing a sickie on these type of shows is like playing your Joker

[dissolute ocelot]

It does sound like Tasha was genuinely unwell. But what would happen if the judges were sick? Could you poison Paul Hollywood? Would Prue have to decide on her own or would they invent another celebrity baking judge to fly in? I was kind of hoping with all the foraging last week, they'd slip some lily of the valley in with the wild garlic and everyone would spend the rest of the episode vomiting.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Liam Charles was sick during one episode of Junior Bake Off so they drafted Paul Hollywood in as cover and the kids all shat themselves at the cuddly fun judge being replaced with one from the big show.

Perhaps they'd draft in someone from the Professionals show should Hollywood or Prue take ill.

[Dex Sawash]

Chunky gegs on a stick

[Pijlstaart]

I haven't watched this for a couple of weeks and I couldn't be happier. What does "Bake-Off" mean, makes zero sense, call it "What's for pudding?" and some of us might understand, have them keep saying it and it would give some much needed context. As it stands I don't know what's going on. Three of the hosts are tree stumps, perhaps to connote finality, and the other one is a crow shaped paedophile, all are shit, think the royal family has to be protecting these people from the law.

In mourning about the redwall woman leaving, she had pie vibes, I think she'd have taken to a pie challenge. Never mind, off to strip every blackberry bush in the lake district, rob the elderly of the one thing that gets them out the house. Feigning a northern accent and hurling cowpats at the passing fell hikers, Shoulder-barging you down the cottage staircase whilst carrying a milk churn, Is she the real deal or is it all a bit?

She was the only counterweight of any heft against the fomori love island vibes the others give off, "ooom hweem luv roasties babes, cheeky roasty careful, hwooom ah durran laak blue cheese", singing along to the justeat adverts, offering to make cocktails for their guests but then only mix prosecco and fruit juice. I really hate these people, they always sit down with their legs splayed straight out like a winnie the pooh, always on a crushed velvet sofa with their legs splayed out, staring in confusion at a vtech talking alphabet or a crayon drawing of a leaf, they all do it. Only a matter of time before the first AI capable of wielding a cattle-prod herds them into the meat cells.

These people nowadays, they have sex laying in their bed like hippies instead of stood up fully dressed in the doctors office. They've redefined what it is to be cultured, shuffling hungover through the anne frank house in search of an imagined racy waxwork of her sister and putting za'atar in scrambled egg, they're scions of the new tomorrow, when I lie about reading steinbeck and incessantly correct people's grammar I should be treated as a grand acculturating force and even a god but I'm not because I haven't eaten microwaved paella on la rambla. I feel What's for pudding? Bake-Off used to be for people like me and now it isn't.

You'll notice no one said they were upset that Rowan was leaving, I'm certainly not. Can imagine when he grows up he'll work in HR and ruin the office christmas party with his ceaseless porn addict aphorisms and self deprecation, it will be his one redeeming action in life.   

Rooting for the deaf girl even though it feels they've already ghost-written a cookbook for her, I don't care if she's been astroturfed in, for once the producers came up with a compelling narrative.

[Clownbaby]

Has anyone noticed that Dana has a vocal habit where she sometimes adds an extra "-ah" or "-eh" sound at the end of random words/sentences? I noticed it once and now it's so distracting because it's a habit that is also weirdly inconsistent. Sometimes I'll be waiting for the "-ah" and then it won't come. Does my head in. I found a post on Reddit discussing it and a load of people were saying it's just an Essex accent, but I've heard loads of Essex accented-people speaking without doing this.

Alan from Smiling Friends does the EXACT thing I'm talking about at 1:20, for reference. ("I want my cheese back please-ah")

[daf]

The Great Glorious Barmy British What's For Pudding Challenge Championship Off

[dissolute ocelot]

Cristy seems a possibility for series winner as the One Most Likely To Host A TV Cooking Show. They should just call it Gimme A Cookbook Hollywood! and have rounds where contestants have to do a signing in Warrington where nobody turns up, kickbox Nigella, or handle an ill-advised guest appearance on This Morning where Eamonn Holmes (or equivalent) sticks his suppurating knob in an eclair.

It's all been very civilized. Maybe one week there should be a storm that blows the tent away. Seems they already tried turning the heat up in the tent but only Tasha was affected, and not in a funny way. Fulfil the fantasies of Julian Barrett's mate by replacing his arms and legs with Edward Scissorhands, give him a gallon tank of Scrumpy, and set him loose.

Week 5 innuendo watch: plums. I don't believe anybody has ever called anybody's rude bits "plums" except on a British TV show.

[jamiefairlie]

Are we nearing the end of Bake Off? It feels really tired now.

[JesusAndYourBush]

The single entendres are getting really tedious now.

[dissolute ocelot]

The single entendres are getting really tedious now.

Forthcoming weeks:
Sausage week
Bap week
Melon week
Rimming week (lots of decorative pastrywork)
Cock week (chicken pie and Portuguese rooster biscuits)
Wanking off Paul Hollywood into a gigantic tub of creme pat week (like what it sounds)

[JesusAndYourBush]

Cock week (chicken pie and Portuguese rooster biscuits

And then the Hollywood Hand Shandy for the best cock.

[JesusAndYourBush]

No double (or single) entendres today!

They were making buns and Paul attempted to set up a gag by asking someone "Is your pastry tight" but she spotted his attempted setup a mile off and literally took a step back and said something along the lines of "I'm not going there", and so that was the end of that.