Peter's Mad Thoughts PtIII: Beyond Peter

[Cerys]

Sorry to answer on her behalf but yes, I believe she is. Cerys, there's a wheelchair woman where I live who, and i'm not shitting you, has two dogs that pull her along at breakneck speed. When the wind's behind her i've seen her do at least 30mph through the precinct. Have you ever fancied giving it a go?

Tempting ... but we only live in a small flat.  It wouldn't be fair to have a dog big enough to manage that.  Children, on the other hand....

[The Masked Unit]

What about a sail? With a bit of modification you could be unbeatable on both land and sea, wind permitting.

[Hangthebuggers]

What about a sail? With a bit of modification you could be unbeatable on both land and sea, wind permitting.

Or a propeller or something?

[mook]

magnets. stick up electro magnets all around aberletters - equip cerys with a big steel helmet and a control panel to turn the magnets on and off. with a bit of practice she'd be able to navigate herself all over aber in a series of fierce parabolic arcs.

[Sam]

I was in Savers buying some heavily discounted toilet roll.

After gazing ruefully at aisles of stuff priced slightly cheaper than I usually buy it for, I went to the counter to pay.

The assistant was a pretty teenage girl.
I was struck by the simplicity of my transaction, my basket unadorned by anything to leaven the animal baseness of my needs.

For a brief moment I thought it best to deal with the awkwardness head on and say with a childlike grin 'I wipe my bum with these!!'

Thus I could transfer the imaginary problem which the counter girl, likely as not, was unburdened with, into something very real and traumatic, perhaps necessitating an intervention from a law official.

[Cerys]

I have just been released from hospital following treatment for injuries sustained during a bizarre magnet-related accident.  Just thought you should know.

[weekender]

I've been toying with the idea of doing a CaB radio show for a while now, but cider and laziness prevent.

Anyway, one of my ideas involves doing a LIVE INTERVIEW with Chris Morris.  Over a series of time I would build up the vignettes to my LIVE INTERVIEW WITH CHRIS MORRIS on the forum so that loads of people would tune in and listen.

I'd then drag it out for ages on the broadcast - "Don't forget we have a LIVE INTERVIEW WITH CHRIS MORRIS coming up!" etc.

Then I'd start off with a quick interview which would involve me going "Chris Morris, hello" and a sample of Chris Morris from the Day Today going "Hello!" in that aggressive fashion he does.

Cue more music.

Then, I'd do this:

"Chris, you're a media satirist, you've written some of the most influential comedy in the past 20 years, you've made a film, you've got a loving wife and family and everyone who knows you says you're a thoroughly nice chap.  You've displayed a great flair for acting with your roles over the years, you've acted on other shows and you've displayed a gift for musical talent by working with Jonathan Whitehead and some of the graphics that have been used in your shows - apparently at your own request - have been superb.  You've written, directed, produced, played lots of parts and even played some of the scenery.  You're a singer, a songwriter, a poet, a motor mechanic, you can swim underwater, you're double-jointed and you can make ships*.  So, what I'd like to know is, what's your favourite colour?"

Then I'd play Chris saying "Blue" from one of the Blue Jam introductory monologues, and go "Thanks Chris" and just play another record.

I think it would have been funny anyway, had I not just posted the idea on here which now ruins it for everyone but it's not like it would happen anyway so I thought I would share.

_{*Wording and concept stolen from Jack And Jeremy's Police 4, which I still think is fucking hilarious.}

[tookish]

Whenever I go for a walk and have a smoke, I have the absolutely horrible, bad-person urge to stick my cigarette stub in a postbox and then watch as everyone's letters and parcels go up in flames.

I went to a christening at the weekend, for the child of two of my dearest friends. Managed to hold the baby without the usual perverse urge to dash him to the ground, even when he started crying. Even when he did a little bit of sick on me. Then they brought out the cake. It was an absolutely beautiful three-tier affair with blue icing and tiny, home-made Winnie the Pooh figures of marzipan. It had been made by a beloved family member. And I had to keep myself well away from it, because the urge to punch that cake was almost more than I could bear.