Patrick Kielty - A Tragedy

[Artemis]

You know you hear about funny people (like Steve Coogan) whoring themselves on the corporate circuit in between projects to milk their last success for all they can get? Well last week, for the first time, I was witness to just such a tragedy.

The place I work at laid on a very swish conference to try and distract from the fact that they were attempting to justify how shit our jobs are. The distraction consisted of plush surroundings, an expensive looking lighting display inside an expensive looking marquee, a live latin band complete with dancers... and Patrick Kielty.

He was there as a host to add some humour and provide the 'celebrity' aspect. I think he thought that on the back of Celebrity Love Island we'd all be in awe, but as he announced himself in the wings before he came on, referring to himself in the third party in all seriousness, as a child would before putting on a play for her parents at home, a distinguishable aura of disinterest grew in the crowd.

Kielty built on this sense of detachment from his audience by deciding to make a truly awful wise-crack about Harold Shipman's waiting room which went down as badly as it deserved, before proceeding to try and rescue his act from the pits of despair by resorting to saying 'fuck' a lot and making mildly offensive and unwelcome sexual innuendos at any member of the audience he could find something to mock about. In so doing, Kielty accidently outed someone when he took their mobile phone and thought it would be funny to read the texts in the inbox. Thinking it would be hilarious to read a particularly personal one, he followed up this gross act of privacy invasion by asking the chap concerned if the sender of the text ('Nick') was a man or woman. Kielty presumably thought the joke was in the question - that the suggestion of this man with another man would be side-splitting because the chap with the phone was straight. Right? Wrong. The chap with the phone answered truthfully, and without a good sense of awareness of what was happening, that Nick was another man. The crowd took a sharp intake of breath. Kielty laughed nervously and mumbled something about not having a problem with gay people and that two of the dancers were gay and he got on with them very well. He later made sure to mention that the dancers he was referring to were female.

Poor Patrick Kielty. He tried hard but he was intolerably shit. I expect he made thousands of pounds hosting the event (which ran for five times over two days) but it should (hopefully) be enough to put him off trying to do anything like that again.

Infact, when he first came on, he looked so underwhelmed with the polite applause he received instead of the whoops and cheers he was expecting, that he looked quite angry and said he was going to come on again and that this time he wanted us to be more enthusiastic. If he was joking, you couldn't tell.


Does anyone else have any stories of corporate or private events at which comic celebrities appeared?

[Bernard]

Bloody hell, well if the stories are anything like that I hope not, if only so I don't top myself with profound embarrassment.

That sounded like the most uncomfortable conference this side of the classic Bed Of Nails Expo '86 (the one at Earls Court sponsored by Jindal Indian Steel I mean).

What an unperceptive ignorant prat he is, judging by your description. Unless, of course, you're his ex-girlfriend or something and are lying.

Remember that classic flyer at the expo?:
"The Jindal Organization is a celebrity. Ranked fourth."
http://www.jindalstainless.com/ (check out the forum where some guy's trying to offer them a load of dodgy steel - but Jindal know. They won't be duped.)

[dot]

You fucker, I thought he might have broken his neck during a lengthy link.

[TraceyQ]

Mark Lemarr compered the Going Places Christmas party in 1998, introducing such wonders as Edwin Starr, Some crap Abba Tribute band and The Lightning Seeds. Oh, what a fun day.  Also: H and Claire from Steps did the First Choice Retail party a couple of years ago and mimed. Money for old fucking rope, the lot of them.

[Frinky]

None of you lot have got any reason to whinge about Keilty compared to what I have to suffer.

What became of his BBC series that was (I think) on a Friday night? It made it to a second series, didn't it? How did he get that in the first place? I remember him hosting some kind of clips show before that, and then he had some sort of fame explosion or something. Very mysterious.

[dot]

I think him and dermot o'leary should get together and flick their necks out. Just imagine a live hour long show with those two wobbling their heads down the lense, ant n dec would have no chance.

[The Mumbler]

None of you lot have got any reason to whinge about Keilty compared to what I have to suffer.

What became of his BBC series that was (I think) on a Friday night? It made it to a second series, didn't it?

And the rest.  I think it lasted four series.

[ninestonecreature]

What became of his BBC series that was (I think) on a Friday night? It made it to a second series, didn't it? How did he get that in the first place? I remember him hosting some kind of clips show before that, and then he had some sort of fame explosion or something. Very mysterious.

Did he not present some kind of sub-par Don't Forget Your Toothbrush retread on Channel 4? Think that's where I first saw him.

Great story, Artemis- always nice when an inutterably smug twat dies a death.

[Pinball]

We had Phil Hammond whoring for a conference once, but he was fucking good. Personally I don't mind them whoring. Bottomline, we all do it. Rent-boys one and all for The Man. Ai.

[Derek Trucks]

Did he not present some kind of sub-par Don't Forget Your Toothbrush retread on Channel 4? Think that's where I first saw him.

That would be Last Chance Lottery.  More like Last Resort Telly.

[Panbaams]

Like the story, Artmeis! Comedy Review did an article about corporate gigs. From what I remember of it, Mark Lamarr did one and was bombing horribly until someone in the audience said in a loud voice, "This isn't really working, is it?" To which Mark Lamarr meekly agreed.

[skinbeard]

Kielty came to my school when I was in 6th form and did a speech at assembly. He did some gags which, in retrospect ,were a bit on the shit side but anything that ate into double geography would have pleased me then.

I notice he's actually going on tour around Great Britain which is a tad odd. Surely he is only known in Northern Ireland for his stand up. All his breaks have come through television, I'm sure a lot of people assume he is just a presenter. I can't see how he could possibly shift tickets when he has no obvious following and nearly everyone dislikes him.

[dot]

Haha, that's just cruel

[Coughlan]

You know you hear about funny people

I'm sorry I thought this thread was about patrick kielty

[Harfyyn Teuport]

Kielty did make some halfway decent standup about ten years ago, but even by its followup it was a rambling, lame mess. He became famous in NI mainly because he was a presentable young man with more charm than comedic talent, doing non-biting middle of the road political standup, which seemed odd because his father was killed by loyalist gunmen when he was a teenager.

But not many people thought he was particularly hilarious. He did always come across as a nice guy though, I have to say, he seemed down to earth and 'normal' certainly a far cry from his strange, glib persona on CLI or Fame Academy but he always seemed to be presenting chatty type shows on local tv and radio rather than sketch shows or 'comedy showcase' type things. I certainly didn't think he'd done a stand up show in aaaages.

What was the material itself like? Does he try politics any more? His political comedy used to be "And I wonder what Big Ian would say about that [Adopts middling Ian Paisley impersonation] "No SURRENDER!!!"".

[Artemis]

No, the material wasn't political at all. Oh, I tell a lie. He made some kind of joke about Blair but I can't remember what it was. Most of his act is a blur actually, like my sub-concious has deliberately erased it from my memory to protect me from flashbacks of a horrible, horrible mess of a performance. From what I do remember, it was all swearing and really poor and obvious playground-style sex jokes.

[Pseudopath]

Didn't Zucchero say something outrageous to Partick Kielty at that BBC Music Live event last year? I never caught what he said but remember seeing Kielty's dumbstruck reaction and Zucchero storming off (to cheers and uproarious laughter from the crowd). I've never seen a guy look so lonely and bereft in all my life.

Still, now he's shagging Dead-Eye Cat Deeley, I suppose he doesn't care for my scorn.

[Pseudopath]

Ah...I found it, and it wasn't half as funny as I expected:

Kielty put his foot in it during a rather painful interview given Zucchero's shaky English, when he asked him who was "that sexy mama" on backing vocals. To Kielty's horror, Zucchero replied "my wife".

And there was me hoping Zucchero had told him he'd die alone.

[dot]

No, he did have a go at him, I remember my mam saying. It was "It's true what they say about you in the papers, you're fucking useless" or something like that.

[Pseudopath]

Ha ha! Thanks, dot! That's made my day and given me renewed faith in my powers of perception.

Patrick "Fucking Useless" Kielty...what a twunt!