Things your dad is still doing.

[frajer]

"Remember that time you went for that colonoscopy, son?"

"Yes, Dad."

"Because when you wiped your arse there was all blood on the bog roll and that?"

"Yes, Dad."

"Tell Norm what happened."

"Alright, Norm?"

"Alright, your Dad's son."

(long pause)

"What happened, then?"

"Go on, tell him."

(long pause)

"They put the camera up there..up my anus..."

"Yeah."

"..through the rectum.."

"Yeah, yeah."

"...into my colon..."

"Yeah."

"..and they had a look on the camera.."

"Yeah."

"..and it turned out Dad had recorded over my colon."

"What with?"

(long pause)

"Craig Charles' Funky Bunker."

Your dad chuckles. "Could have been worse, son. Could have been Captain Butler!"

[Glebe]

"If you could wish for anything what would it be?" inquires Norm, idly.

"World peace," you answer smugly.

"A solid gold Porsche and a blonde with big tits," your dad there.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

You call round for a visit.

Norman's van is sitting in the middle of the front lawn, engine idling, doors flung open.

A trail of sweets and the occasional cupcake lead in a trail to the side gate.

You follow the trail to the shed.

As you approach, you can hear your dad.

"State of them Norm! Ha, see their faces? Didn't know what hit them!"

You open the door and Norman dives to the floor shouting "It was all his idea officer!"

Your dad withers him with a look.

"It's not the cops Norm you little snitch"

Dad?

"It's nothing son, nothing at all, bit of a prank you see, nothing more."

Prank? What prank?

"Well, you see, well, you'll see the funny side of it though."

Funny side of what dad? Why would the police be involved?

Norman starts whimpering.

"Shut up Norm, the cops won't be after us."

Dad! What have you done?

"Calm down son, nothing illegal or anything. You see, Norm and myself turned over some kids birthday party a few streets away. Got quite the haul too."

Christ dad.

"S'alright" says your dad. "Only punched that kid twice, four times tops, wouldn't let go of his new scooter would he?"

[non capisco]

In other news your dad told me he's into rap now and he says his favourite rap song is 'One Week' by Barenaked Ladies. "I don't know how he manages to remember all the words", your dad said. "Now, that's talent."

[jenna appleseed]

"I think Norm's amazing... I think he's really cool! Goodbye, son!"

Your Dad and Norman, in the shed, hitting the vasaline.

[frajer]

Your dad reckons they should make an erotic version of YouTube. "Only on after 11pm, of course."

[Glebe]

Your dad reckons they should make an erotic version of YouTube. "Only on after 11pm, of course."

"Really miss the 9PM watershed, son. Now you can watch ads for pubic hair shavers in the afternoon! You used to have to have to go to Dirty Barry's Jazz Mag Emporium to see things like that! Er, or so I've heard..."

[frajer]

"Really miss the 9PM watershed, son. Now you can watch ads for pubic hair shavers in the afternoon! You used to have to have to go to Dirty Barry's Jazz Mag Emporium to see things like that! Er, or so I've heard..."

"Dirty Barry, dad?"

"Eh? Oh yeah, you know him as Norman don't you. I tell you, that rogue's the East Midlands answer to Don Draper!"

[Glebe]

Norm is incandescent.

"I never ran a porn shop! Sold a few dirty tapes to Randy Andy in the '80s but that's about it!"

[Glebe]

"Dad, what are doing up on the table?"

"I'm playing Floor is Lava, son! WAIT DON'T COME IN-"

"AAAARRGH!!"

"I had the lava specially imported! Better get you to A&E... now how do I get down... NORM?! NO WAIT DON'T COME IN oh bugger."

[frajer]

Your dad is thrilled to see there's an app for playing pocket billiards.

[Glebe]

Your dad is thrilled to see there's an app for playing pocket billiards.

"There are other tabletop sports ones too."

"Wow, really Norm? By the way, how are your feet healing up after real-life Floor is Lava, son?"

"Still pretty bad, dad. Visiting time is over now get out."

[frajer]

"There are other tabletop sports ones too."

"Wow, really Norm? By the way, how are your feet healing up after real-life Floor is Lava, son?"

"Still pretty bad, dad. Visiting time is over now get out."

"Now, now son, don't work yourself up into a lather. Haha, you having that Norm?"

"I got burned in the lava too, your dad. It hurts to exist."

"Alright Norm, keep it light mate."

[Glebe]

"Now, now son, don't work yourself up into a lather. Haha, you having that Norm?"

"I got burned in the lava too, your dad. It hurts to exist."

"Alright Norm, keep it light mate."

The nurse comes in.

"Sorry Mr your dad but visiting time is over."

You and Norm both smile inwardly.

[Glebe]

Norman comes running into the ward the next morning, all aflutter.

"It's your dad! It looks like he'll be joining us in hospital! I saw him in A&E holding a melted frisbee and wearing burnt flares! Apparently he was trying to recreate old public information films!"

"Why am I not surprised by this incredibly bizarre behaviour?" you mumble, peering through your facepalm hand.

[Glebe]

Your dad hangs a signed photo of Michael Flatley in the hallway.

[Fr.Bigley]

You dad has just been done for the gratuitous murder of a member of his allotment because he gave him a glass of kombucha and thought he was being poisoned, he was taken away whilst singing "let's all kill the hippy" to the 'binley mega chippy' song from tiktok.

[Glebe]

Your dad has become an artist.

"Fancy doing a guano today son. Run outside and scrape up as much bird shit as you can, there's a good chap."

[PlanktonSideburns]

"Why are you walking funny, Norm?"

"Finish y'pint, your dad!"

Got me good

[Glebe]

Got me good

Heh!

"Dad, just need to use your laptop! What's your password?"

"3nl@rg3d Pr0st@t3."

[Glebe]

With some trepidation you except your dad's invitation to bring your wife and children around for dinner. The day is actually going swimmingly until a sudden upset.

"Dad, why is your granddaughter's doll lying face down in the garden pond?"

"I've been reenacting scary old public information films lately son, remember?"

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad phones, but he's discovered an Ali G soundboard.

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad thinks Diana Ross is headlining Glastonbury.

[Glebe]

Your dad thinks Diana Ross is headlining Glastonbury.

As he tells you when you finally get through to him.

"Dad, where have you been all weekend?!"

"Me and Norm hitch-hiked to Glasto son!"

"Oh for fuck's sake at your age!"

"What are talking about?! McCartney played last night and he's older than me!"

"You're older than Ross though," you hear Norman quip in the background.

[drummersaredeaf]

Your dad doesn't much care for Kenny Lamar.

[frajer]

But he has a lot of time for his close friend Mark Lamarr. Him, Norm and Lamark went 10-pin bowling just last week!

[Glebe]

"Son, excited to inform you that I'm two weeks off the hardcore porn!"

"That's great Dad but I'd prefer you not to announce that so loudly here at this large family gathering."

[frajer]

Your dad blames fancy quilted multi-ply toilet paper for the lack of anal fortitude these days. "They're all pampered, son! Where's the tracing paper you'd risk shredding your harris with? Bumholes these days look like they're fresh off the showroom floor!"

"Whose anus are you looking at that closely, dad?

Norman stands up quickly and bellows "Who fancies another drink?"

[Glebe]

"Prison toilet paper, son! The blue glossy stuff from the '70s!

[frajer]

"Prison toilet paper, son! The blue glossy stuff from the '70s!

Norm goes wistful. "Ahh the blue glossy stuff from the '70s. I made a mint off that."

"I'm not on about your old jazz emporium, Norm, I'm on about high-shine toilet paper that could take out a sphincter at twenty paces. Grow up!"