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August 11, 2022, 01:02:40 AM

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Things your dad is still doing.

Started by Glebe, November 02, 2021, 08:50:35 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Glebe

Your dad is reminiscing about Chewits.

"They still make them Dad."

"Pah," he scoffs, "they're not the same. They changed the recipe in the '90s. I have that on good authority. The whole E-numbers panic completely ruined all popular confectioneries."


frajer

Your dad cheerily calls Norman a pheasant plucker and spends the next hour plucking pint glass out of his hair.

"Norm's a bit like the Hulk, son. Always livid and favoured purple shorts in the '60s."

Glebe


frajer

"Leave it Norm, the bloke said he'd buy you a new pint!"

"NORM SMOOSH!"

Glebe

"Okay, gonna have to deal with this."

Your dad holds out his hand and moments later Mjölnir comes flying in through a pub window.

Glebe

Your dad is subscribing to a new magazine called Steam Engine Fantatic.

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on July 05, 2022, 11:06:58 AMYour dad is subscribing to a new magazine called Steam Engine Fantatic.

He keeps leaving copies out on the table, hoping you'll ask about it. You know you should take the olive branch but can't quite bring yourself to feign giving a toss about steam engines. The dance continues!

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on July 05, 2022, 11:19:20 AMThe dance continues!

Your dad sticks on 'Rubberband Girl' and gets moving!

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on July 05, 2022, 11:37:01 AMYour dad sticks on 'Rubberband Girl' and gets moving!

Fair play, your dad knows how to get you grooving!

He puts his speakers up to the windows and pretty soon the whole crescent is out there shaking their thang!

At about half-two a dour policeman arrives, gives your dad a stern look but then breaks into a grin and starts boogying too!

Norman hears about it through Facebook and leaves a passive-aggressive message about not receiving his invite.

Cuellar

Your dad's gone to the cricket dressed as W G Grace

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on July 05, 2022, 12:05:14 PMFair play, your dad knows how to get you grooving!

He puts his speakers up to the windows and pretty soon the whole crescent is out there shaking their thang!

At about half-two a dour policeman arrives, gives your dad a stern look but then breaks into a grin and starts boogying too!

Norman hears about it through Facebook and leaves a passive-aggressive message about not receiving his invite.
waz not invited 2 this. disapointed in u your dad😭

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on July 05, 2022, 12:09:32 PMwaz not invited 2 this. disapointed in u your dad😭

u ok norm?

frajer

Your dad is rubbing a sherbet dip dab on his gums and pretending he's Tony Montana. "Say hello to my little friend!"

Norm enters the room. "Hello."

jobotic

Every time you walk past, your dad and Norm sing "I know him, he smells" in emotive voices.

Then your dad shouts "It's me, YD!!" and they giggle for hours.

frajer

Your dad asks Barber John for a haircut that's business in the front and party at the back.

One number 2 all over later, that'll be £3.50 cheers.

Glebe

Norm takes you aside one day to speak about a personal matter.

"Your dad's been bullying me for years and I've always just put up with it! From primary school through the carpentry business we both worked at, he's been belittling me for years! I've had enough, your dad's son, whatever your name is."

"Don't worry Norm, I'll have a word with him. He really just does it to mask his own insecurities."

"Yeah but he's been 'masking his insecurities' to my detriment for decades now!"

"That's enough Norm. I appreciate that you have functioned as his human punching bag for much of your life but he is my dad and I won't have you speak so negatively about him if you know what's good for you," you growl.

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on July 06, 2022, 01:18:00 PM"That's enough Norm. I appreciate that you have functioned as his human punching bag for much of your life but he is my dad and I won't have you speak so negatively about him if you know what's good for you," you growl.

"Well, well, looks the apple doesn't fall far from the 'your dad' tree."

"I'll push you out of a bloody apple tree if you keep slagging off my dad, Norm. Capische?"

Your dad comes in from the garden. He's heard everything. He gives you both a hard stare then winks. "Get it over with and kiss, then!"

"Daddd!" You all laugh and pop down The Red Bull for some lovely beers and a game of darts.

Glebe

"Here your dad, you're very tense... time for a shoulder massage!"

"Ooh, that's lovely Norm... I can feel the stress draining out of me body!"

"You should employ me as your own personal masseur, heh!"

"Yeah no mate kinda sexual that."

Glebe

Your dad is on the roof of the house in baggy shorts and a bucket hat. He's absolutely largin' it!

"Come on son! Everybody in the place! Sorted! I'm 68 next Wednesday!"


Glebe

"Is it possible to 'stream' CDs in a DVD player son?"

"Yeah Dad," you're not even listening.

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on July 10, 2022, 02:18:23 PM"Is it possible to 'stream' CDs in a DVD player son?"

"Yeah Dad," you're not even listening.

Later your dad comes in panting with a sweat on. "Just ripped all your old CDs, son!"

He holds up his bleeding hands. "Call the hospital would you?"

Glebe

Quote from: frajer on July 10, 2022, 02:24:23 PMLater your dad comes in panting with a sweat on. "Just ripped all your old CDs, son!"

He holds up his bleeding hands. "Call the hospital would you?"

"Or I suppose there's some kind of medical robot you can 'text' in this day and age!"

Your dad reckons Norman is Count Binface.

Glebe

Your dad is going to a party dressed as PaRappa the Rapper.

"It's not even fancy dress son! But I'm real up with the times, see?"

Wait did I day 'party' I meant Norm's funeral.

Glebe

Y'dad's gone full '90s! He's watching Friends, blasting Sheryl Crow and he's got a copy of Loaded and a bottle of Tango to hand!

"Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough son!"

frajer

Quote from: Glebe on July 11, 2022, 04:52:59 AMYour dad is going to a party dressed as PaRappa the Rapper.

"It's not even fancy dress son! But I'm real up with the times, see?"

Wait did I day 'party' I meant Norm's funeral.

"Weep, mourn, it's alllll in the mind!"

Glebe

"In life, Norm was quick to anger but quicker to laughter. He was my North, my South, my East and West-"

"-Take off the costume mate, have some respect!"

Your dad claims to be writing 'fan fic' but as far as you can tell it's all minor celebs shitting on Norman's chest

frajer

Quote from: drummersaredeaf on July 11, 2022, 04:32:14 PMYour dad claims to be writing 'fan fic' but as far as you can tell it's all minor celebs shitting on Norman's chest

"It's fan fic about what I want to see happen to my friend Norman. I'm a big fan of him!"

"It's easier just to let him write it," Norm sighs. "He's been turned down by all major publishers, at least."