If money was no object...

[Blue Jam]

...what would you do with it?

I would:

• Pay for a Coen Brothers screwball comedy film starring everyone from out of Better Call Saul
• Obtain the doggie DNA of Eddie from out of Frasier and clone him
• I dunno what else... just loads more snooker, probably

In all seriousness I'd probably buy an island and start my own micronation and just use that as the starting point for taking the piss, what would YOU do if you had an opportunity to smash a magnum on the hull of The Magic Christian?

[Ferris]

Waste it all on guitars that I'd never play.

[Blue Jam]

Maybe Terry Southern and Louis CK were kindred spirits. The former wrote a novel about Stanley Kubrick a fictional film director making a porno film with proper actors and everything, the latter wanted to open a chain of shops called "Shit Ass Pet Fuckers". Probably should have been the other way round.

[dontpaintyourteeth]

I'd like a big house with a big library that has the ladders that slide across the room, you know the ones I mean

[ImmaculateClump]

I'd share it out with people I liked, first off.

I'd get one of those big tellies crenners goes on about, just to see what the fuss was about.
I'd get a really nice chair to sit in. I'd get a really good comfortable bed an' all.

I'm rubbish at spending money. I can never think what to buy. I've got everything I need, so it'd just be daft stuff that I probably wouldn't use.

[bgmnts]

Probably just give it all to animal charities.

[checkoutgirl]

I sometimes fantasise about opening small cinemas in suburbs and places around the city. Heavily subsidised obviously, they would show odd films, cult stuff, late into the night. Bring back the midnight movie phenomenon. Put Rocky Horror on every Saturday even if nobody shows up.

The small independent cinema in the outskirts of the city seemed to die out around the late 90s and early 2000s and I've always been sad about that. Like everything has to make money or it dies out, which is sad. Billionaires could fix that but they don't. Record shops, gone. Small independent cinemas, gone. Bowling alleys, gone. Ice rinks, gone. Going into town to browse, on the way out.

It baffles me that billionaires don't seem to do this, they never like cool stuff like underground music or cult films and stuff like that. They seem to fund classical music, opera and other not fun things.

So yeah, cinemas showing cool stuff.

[Dex Sawash]

Get one of those Citroen electric share cars for myself. Maybe buy a lot of them and do bumper cars (dodgem?).

[TrenterPercenter]

I think I'd just become an intolerable cunt with lots of money.

Friends giving me moral earache? buy some new sycophantic ones, new fam including shade wearing golfer dad and skinny alcoholic mum, every week a different frozen-faced Only Way is Essex type girl on my arm for some dead-eyed souless pseudo-relationship bantz, elaborate wedding, highly public divorce, stupid hair cut, stupid car, make videos for the bros on my insta about how to PUA your way to success, solidify my bad taste into others by associating it with my riches, go mad and do a racism about how rich white men are an endangered species.....that kind of shit.

[Attila]

Get a house for me and Mr Attila near a mainline railway station. We don't need a giant house, but one that would have room for each of us to have our own shed/workroom, and room for Mr Attila to have his garden and greenhouse.

I'd invest the fuck out of the rest of it, as I have virtually nothing in pension coming to me (wasn't eligible for pension the entire time I worked in the USA, and started at a job with a pension so late here in the UK I'd have to work full time til I was 90 to get anything decent from it), and one of my biggest stressors is what's going to happen to me if (when) my dept finally closes and in my old age.

[Stigdu]

Pay off my thousands of debt, treat my father-in-law who lost his wife and eldest daughter (my mother-in-law and sister-in-law) to cancer within a few years of each other, help my dad out, buy my eldest that scooter she really wants, buy a bigger place, give some to animal charities and put the rest away.

[Mrs Wogans lemon drizzle]

I'd open my own house and techno nightclub and fit it out with a similar sound system to the one in fabric

[Brundle-Fly]

Pay off all the worldwide debt, save the rainforests, and buy the original 1966 Batmobile.

[Replies From View]

Squish it all down my urethra: there you go lad, packed down all nice

[Martin Van Buren Stan]

I recently had a kebab that was so bad I wanted to send it off to a university lab and fund an experiment into what went wrong with it

[xxxx xxx x xxx]

Go backpacking across the Himalayas with Britney Spears.

(Someone on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire once actually said this).

[Jasha]

I'd like a big house with a big library that has the ladders that slide across the room, you know the ones I mean

and the books are actually cases for VHS tapes

[Replies From View]

all pressed down in there that's it lad don't spend it all at once

urethra saying yes thankyou a taste sensation

[ImmaculateClump]

backpacking across the Himalayas with Britney Spears.

Sounds like something from Alan Partridges dictaphone.
Was it because they fancied her, or did you get the impression that they just thought she'd be good company?
That's weird.
I don't think Britney Spears would like backpacking across the Himalayas, no matter how good the pay was. I couldn't relax knowing that I'd paid for somebodies company and they were just going through the motions.
What a fucking weird thing to say.

[Des Wigwam]

Maybe the money was for flights and rucksacks and stuff rather than the company.

[Pink Gregory]

Private army.

[holyzombiejesus]

Ever since my gran took her own life, I've imagined opening up some kind of old people's day centre in the town she lived. There'd be subsidised meals & kind & decent (proerly paid) staff. We'd offer al kinds of support and there's be trips to the pictures and country houses or whatever the fuck the old cunts like to do. Would have to be run at a loss but that'd be ok if money was no option.

It'd be fucking ace to not have to care about money. You could do so much good. You could just give cash to people who were scared about covering their bills, fund visa applications for peole wanting to bring their families here, play the property developers at their own game but then just give the houses to the vulnerable. You could pay for Tom Watson and Ian Austin to be battered senseless!!

[Brian Freeze]

I'd quite like to build an ice rink nearby for people to use.

And fund a nationwide anti litter campaign, probably aimed at primary schools to help raise a generation that might break the cycle.
It would definitely have those things that are like pompoms with feet and have a banner attached with a message on.
As long as they dont end up getting chucked in hedges it'll be grand.

[shoulders]

Use it to buy out and close down all animal charities.

[Replies From View]

"that's all for you my tiny pet badass" and urethra be like all mmmmhmmm tastes good

[Buelligan]

Buy all you cunts a nice big bag of drugs.

[badaids]

I'd open a series of VHS rental shops with thousands of copies of Mannequin, and one copy of Mannequin 2 - On The Move which is always rented out.  It would be called VIDEO CHOICES.

I'd also have a coach hire company called Seagull Tours, which, for free transports seagulls around the country.  Hundreds of coaches of Seagulls being transported from coast to coast every day.

[Midas]

drink myself to death, but with the posh stuff, after having all my friends shipped off to dignitas and flying over glastonbury in a fully-functioning helichoctah while wearing harry gration's deathmask so i could watch a thousand live tigers being fired into the crowd.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

A slew of righteous killings.

[Mister Six]

For myself, a house with a nice big garden where rescued dogs could gad about, a room full of shelves to fill up with books, and a fancy-pants projector room where I could watch films and play video games in minor luxury. And have some holidays (I assume I'd have the cash to dramatically offset my carbon footprint).

Set up my friends and family, and then shunt the rest towards setting up scholarships for poor kids, interest-free loans to people of colour hoping to start a business, funding homeless shelters, stocking up food banks etc. Unless someone has a clever idea about how one rich bloke could somehow fix those systemic problems.

Wouldn't buy a yacht or a mega-mansion or anything like that. I'm not a cunt.

Well, maybe I am. But not that type of cunt.

Ever since my gran took her own life, I've imagined opening up some kind of old people's day centre in the town she lived. There'd be subsidised meals & kind & decent (proerly paid) staff. We'd offer al kinds of support and there's be trips to the pictures and country houses or whatever the fuck the old cunts like to do.

This is a good suggestion.

A slew of righteous killings.

So is this.