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March 28, 2024, 10:23:40 AM

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well my brother is dead

Started by Luornu, July 16, 2022, 01:33:57 PM

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Luornu

I said before I had no friends no family, that wasn't strictly true. I had a brother, got three brothers. One has disappeared off the face of the earth, no telling what's become of him, the other the youngest of my three older brothers (it gets complicated) well he came to live with me after his marriage broke up and I never wanted him there and long story short he tried to kick my door down while calling me an 'effing c word' and in terror because I thought the police were going to let him back in the house and I was literally afraid for my life I blurted out that he molested me as a child (he did) and then there was an investigation and it ended due to lack of evidence and long story short I will never speak to him again and I am afraid of him

That leaves my other brother, the oldest and the only one I was close to. I couldn't have contact with him because that would inevitably mean contact with my youngest eldest brother the bad one, they came very much as a 'double deal', and I was so scared of the bad brother I couldn't really get in touch with the brother I liked. I was uneasy about it because I knew oldest brother was getting on and was not in the best health,I knew he didn't have long left probably, I knew he was going to die out of contact with me and I was so so uneasy and unhappy about it

About a year and a half ago he sent me a letter with his phone number and his email. Well I was scared that it was bad brother putting him up to that just to get his claws into me again (he was very crudely manipulative and gaslighty-bad brother was) I wasn't going to phone him because I didn't want bad brother finding out my mobile number but I did send an email. But the email never did get a reply. I think it did go through. I was relieved really because the whole thing was causing me anxiety.

Now this morning a solictor's letter. At the head of the page [brother's name] deceased.

I'm not dealing with it very well.

I'm very sad. I wish I could talk to my brother again. I loved him.

Well thankyou for listening. Not got anyone else to talk to so you get elected, CAB! luckiest of forums! I know you don't know me very well, well hey thanks for listening anyway

bgmnts

Bloody hell that's a lot to take in. Hope it gets better.

QDRPHNC

I'm very sorry to hear that, condolences.

Buelligan

Yep, I'm sorry for your sorrow and loss.  Ask bgmnts says, hope very much things improve for you.

Luornu

Thanks.......yeah it is a lot. I mean there's more than that, my life hey? It is indeed a lot. Yes let's trust in hope, it's the best thing we have.

"people in books spoke of hope? What was hope?"

A quote to live by that

Thankyou guys I do appreciate it.

Buelligan

Hope's good, it's carried me through many an horrendous storm.  Hold on to hope.  Forget the past.

SpiderChrist

Ah fuck, that's horrible. I can't imagine life without my brother. Look after yerself.

monkfromhavana

Really sorry to hear this, when the world becomes a lonely place, the internet, for good or ill, can be a boon.

The Mollusk

Definitely try to take solace in the fact that you reached out and he almost certainly read your email. Any number of factors may have prevented him from responding at that time. You did the best you were capable of under the circumstances and that's a damn sight more than most others can muster in a lifetime.

My sincere condolences.

Sebastian Cobb


Luornu

hey thankyou guys, I feel a little better reading your responses. Yes I hope he knew how much I cared about him. I feel I should have sent him another message I kept meaning to but I kept putting it off. I feel guilty about that now.

I will be back in a bit. thanks all.

Uncle TechTip

Condolences, take some time to grieve whether that's days off from work or whatever you do day to day. And be rest assured that you're not the only one with estranged brothers where family CSA is even suspected, never mind actually happened to you. I'm sorry to read that but you are most definitely better off with the current situation between the two of you.

Jockice


Pink Gregory

Sorry for your loss, there's no time on earth to resolve everything but at least you and your brother made some moves towards it.

Johnny Yesno

Sorry for your loss and for all the shit you've had to go through. Fwiw, it sounds like the decisions you made were the best you could do under the circumstances. Look after yourself.

canadagoose

Sorry to hear that, it sounds like you've had a rough time. Take care.

Brian Freeze

Best wishes Luorno, keep talking/writing on here if it helps you.
Theres some mighty fine people here who often have wonderful words of wisdom or buckets and buckets of empathy.

TrenterPercenter

Yeah this is all proper shit, sorry to hear you are going through this Lournu as BF  said keeping talking/writing once you feel up to it, CaB is always here for you.

Mister Six

Dreadful news, Luornu. These are some wise words:

Quote from: The Mollusk on July 16, 2022, 01:53:20 PMDefinitely try to take solace in the fact that you reached out and he almost certainly read your email. Any number of factors may have prevented him from responding at that time. You did the best you were capable of under the circumstances and that's a damn sight more than most others can muster in a lifetime.

My sincere condolences.

My condolences, but remember that even this will get better in time. Not perfect, but better at least. Keep talking in here (or elsewhere) so long as it makes you feel better.

Luornu

Hey guys, thanks again for all

I have some news which is quite bittersweet. He had said in his last letter that he had lost his facebook password so I never looked there. Today I go to my fb (I don't log in very often, well I don't know many people to be fair) and I clicked on his message thread thingy (that you have in fb I'm sure you've seen them) and there was a reply there to my email.....talking about the pandemic and all that, he was like analising the politics of it and how the UK's response was poor compared to other countries. He was very interested in politics and as clever and incisive about it as any political journalist on twitter or wherever.

All this time I thought he had lost his twitter password! Damn it, I wish I had talked to him on there.

Well I left him a message on fb, I said I was sorry I never got back to him and I love him. He won't read it but it seemed like the thing to do.

I expect the funeral has happened. How could I have possibly gone? The bad brother would have been there and he would have been on at me about 'lying' about what happened in the past and all that bad stuff....shit. I should have been there for him

I doubt there's a grave, everyone is cremated nowadays. It is poetic that our atoms get released back to the earth and the atmosphere and we return to where we came from, but I wish there was a place I could go.

Sad you know?

Mister Six

Is there a non-cunt friend of the family or good brother that you could check in with, to see if there's some kind of marker? Or even point you towards the funeral home/crematorium, which is at least a place you can visit?

Johnny Yesno

Damn, that's a choker. If it's any consolation, I rarely log in to Facebook and wouldn't think to check there for a reply to an email either.

At least you know for sure that he knew you cared.

Luornu

Hey hello

As a matter of fact I just sent a message on fb to a friend of his who was in the same local branch of the Lib Dems as him (he was active in local politics). I am hoping that he might give me some pointers and also tell me when and how it happened. I worry that maybe my brother might have said something about me and people who knew him might hate me...because I wasn't brave enough to talk to him and I should have..

I don't know if the guy will know anything but I hope he might.

(oh i made a mistake it wasn't a reply to the email,it was the reply to the previous conversation we had had on there so I still don't know if he read my email...I hope he did)

I have one other brother, he vanished after (we think) his marriage broke up. He was living up north because my sister in law wanted to be close to her mum, so he kind of disappeared after that. We don't know where he is.

I do have some more distant relatives, cousins mainly.  One or two of my aunts may still be alive but chances are they aren't because they would be very elderly now if they are.

Luornu

See, I knew that my brother probably didn't have that long left. His health was not the best even a few years ago.

I knew I'd regret not talking to him while I still could. I knew it and still I was afraid.

It's too late now.

Luornu

Odd thing, my brother told me years ago that he'd made a will and he was leaving me everything (I don't think he had that much so it's not like a great fortune or anything) now this solictor's letter tells me he died intestate,

This is odd because my brother was a solicitor himself (before he retired)so I find it very strange that he would not have made a will. I can't do that because I don't know how to do legal stuff, but I would have thought he would have.

What if my other brother went through his things and found such a document and he got rid of it so he would get some of the estate? I don't know how legally possible that is. Wills have to be registered somewhere don't they?

to be honest I don't care that much. I'd rather still have my brother here. But I wouldn't put such a thing past my other brother. I don't know

holyzombiejesus

It must be really hard not to dwell on ifs and maybes, to regret not looking on Facebook and whatever. I feel for you.

Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead

My condolences, Luornu, that's a whole lot for you to be dealing with. Be kind to yourself, if you can, and do your best to make time and space to allow yourself to grieve.

Quote from: Luornu on July 16, 2022, 04:20:45 PMThis is odd because my brother was a solicitor himself (before he retired)so I find it very strange that he would not have made a will. I can't do that because I don't know how to do legal stuff, but I would have thought he would have.

If and when you're ready, and it still feels like something you want to pursue, the other CaB have some useful info on tracing wills towards the bottom of this page: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/wills/
If your brother's firm is still in business, I'd try asking them, too.

ETA: more useful info from the Co-op:
QuoteIf the solicitor is no longer in business, contact the Solicitors Regulation Authority. This organisation holds records for solicitors in England and Wales. It should have a record of who took over the solicitor's practice and, ultimately, where the Will is being stored now.
source: https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-jan-aug-2015/finding-a-will-after-someone-dies/

The Ombudsman

That's awful news, I'm so sorry to read it. Thoughts are with you.

Luornu

hey everyone, thanks again

Er I've looked in my email sent folder and I am now fairly sure he never read the email. I stupidly the first time typed in the wrong email address (I put in hotmail instead of gmail now that dates me) then it bounced so then I relayed the whole chain back to his proper email but the title was fwd wrong address or somethign generic and the name was not my real name but in fact 'luornu' the same name I use on here and the email address had that screenname not my real name

(it's the name of a comic book character, it's the real name of Triplicate Girl from the Legion of Super Heroes. I like to use it because it's both pertaining to one of my special interests but it's obscure enough that no one else has ever already used it in things so I can be first)

I never use my real name in anything online. I just always have been anonymous online except for fb, he must have been looking for something with my real name. I completely forgot that my screen name has nothing to connect with my real name. I just never thought of it. I mean maybe he would have guessed from the context of my original title but after the email bounced when I typed in the wrong address it just had that generic techy title and it must have looked like spam. Shit.

It must have just looked like spam to him. Especially with that fwd.missed email title (Can't remember the exact words) He probably never read it. No wonder I got no reply. Shit. He must have thought I was ignoring him

And I was too afraid to really look at it much at the time. I would have been more comfortable talking to him on facebook but he said he had lost his password so that was out. Shit shit shit shit

All those six or seven years since we last talked he tried to get in touch with me and it must have looked like I completely ignored him

shit shit shit shit shit shit

I will regret this for the rest of my life :( I should have tried harder to talk to him but I was so frightened I was almost too afraid to look I had to force myself to write that email because I was so scared. I don't think he ever read it.Damn it. Shit.

I'm very sad now



shoulders

Your decision not to contact him for the period you did was a rational one and made even in the knowledge that would involve not being in contact and potentially this happening, by extension.

It is difficult right now and I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you all the best, health and happiness in your direction. I think as you have time to reflect you will be kind to yourself over this matter and resolve that as sad as the situation was, you made the decision for good reasons and that families are such that some situations are simply unresolvable.