well my brother is dead

[Crenners]

I hope you enjoyed your cake, that sounds great even in this weather! I'm thinking of you today, on your birthday. It sounds like you've come through a lot in your life and I hope you can keep moving forwards and find some peace. You don't need to wrap this thread up, especially not if it's been helpful for you. Wishing better fortunes ahead for you.

[Luornu]

Thankyou guys

To tell the truth I've been feeling a little embarrassed by my emotional outbursts. It's not really the thing on a comedy forums is it? I should be saying hilarious comedic things like I dunno "ooh me floury baps" or something (that's a really shit version of something someone might have had as a catchphrase in a really poor version of something like Round The Horne in 1958 and the audience would have fallen about)

I don't know where I was. If it's okay with you guys I might say some things here from time to time. I have worried to be honest that I might be depressing everyone with the heaviness of my dark and depressed feelings.

I'm a little better today a bit sort of. I distract myself and then I rememember. I'm sure those of you who have suffered loss (that's everyone at some point isn't it?) know the drill. This is not the first bereavement, there was my mum and my dad and the relationship (that's a kind of bereavement too although it's for the living and for a relationship so it's a slightly different category but the emotion of loss is the same, and yes for my dogs, I felt their loss very keenly too.

It's slightly different every time in a way I can't quite explain, but it's always shit. Can't put it any more eloquently than that. This time the guilt I feel compounds the loss. When my distraction (it's mostly watching music on youtube, also the tour de france which is on at the moment) what I feel it's very similar to physical pain, it feels almost the same. The thing about 'broken heart' is a cliche. But I can see where it comes from, it feels like something broke inside.

My support person has helped me with the legal things today, I think we should be able to work something out with the solictors firm. I talked to her for a while. It was a good conversation but she's very busy and she has to help other people. I also emailed my friend in America who I have mostly been talking to in writing online for the last 20 years a bit oer actually, we have been talking more sporadically lately and he hasn't been on facebook and he has been ill so I was worrying oh god is he on his deathbed I was afraid history would repeat itself so I emailed him and he is still alive. He did say some very nice condolence things he's good at that, as have you guys on CAB. and everyone has been so very nice to me but yet I feel like I was such a bad sister

I told my friend all about my brother about his interests and about the story of his life the parts I know. It made me feel better to do so. I might talk about him a bit on here in a bit when I feel up to it. Because he never got married or had a family same as me and I worry there's no one to rememember him. His friends in the local liberal democrats have basically already forgotten him. I want him to be remembered. He was a special person and he deserves it

I loved my brother very much

[Luornu]

Oh the custard was very nice. Cold custard is pretty good on a very hot day.

I was born at 6.30 on the 19th of July, I'm posting this at about that time.

The joy my parents felt at my coming, I know my brothers were happy and excited too

Please hope that that joy is still with me, That it hasn't died yet.

[bgmnts]

Nah fuck nothing wrong with it being sad and shit. Hell I lost my nan and bamps last year and it still hurts to fuck every so often knowing they aren't there anymore, especially because the family isn't close at all it's just me and my mother so losing my nan and bamps also was like losing the family as well.

Definitely keep trying to plug away at getting counselling though, even if you have to stump up private (say you're a student you might get a discount worked for me).

[Luornu]

Oh! sorry to post three times in a row-I know some forums don't like it if you do that, not sure of CAB policy on that.

On a more nerdy fact snuffling note I felt compelled to look up what the temperatures for the London area were in my birth month. It was 31 degrees celsius the day I was born and it was 32 degrees the three days afterwards. I was born in a heatwave!

I've never enjoyed heatwaves, the humidity is just awful! but I was born in one I ought to find them really natural! Pretty cool compared to today and yesterday though.

I just find that symmetry of that day and today, both heatwave days. No wonder my dad always said 'the sun always shines on the 19th of July' although I do distinctly rememember one year when it was grey and overcast

I think it's due to it being summer rather than me, but still.

It's a bit lonely being (almost) the last survivor of your family. I feel like I'm surrounded by ghosts.

[Luornu]

Thankyou bgmnts, I just worry I'm bringing everyone down! It's interesting to say that there are moments of normality and even small bits of contentment in between the 'oh god oh god it hurts so much' wounded animal noises. The whole thing is non linear like that.

It definitely helps to share. It doesn't help that this extreme heatwave is on because normally I would go out I'd do some shopping you know doing normal things to distract me but I have to stay inside because firey inferno of death ball that's in the sky (aka the sun) Man it's difficult.

Looks like it's only going to be merely normally hot tomorrow rather than like the ninth circle of hell so I might go out and buy some groceries tomorrow. It will be first time I've gone out  (going to the little shop doesn't count since it's only a short walk. that's how I interpret it) since I picked up that horrid letter from the mat on saturday morning. I think it will help a bit

[Glebe]

Lots of serious discussion on here besides the comedy, a good few of us have gotten stuff off our chests here over the years.

[Luornu]

Yeah it's true, hey there everyone! I just worry you know?

Well here's an update. It still ebbs and flows. You eventually fall asleep then a second after awakening you remember. I think I was dreaming of my family this morning but I forgot the dream in the second after I woke up.

Yesterday I started the process of digitising the old family photos. A thing I'd meant to do for years. You know there's regular documentation of my brothers' childhood and mine, but when we grow up it tails off and then after my parents die there is nothing, we don't bother to take photos anymore. We are undocumented like unnamed medieval peasants, only mentioned in passing in statistics about the black death.

It's a sad thing, time and tide and the slow extinction of a family. A family which was the world I was born into. The world I was born into! There was regional itv idents, there was double diamond, there was fat old men wearing bow ties on the tv complaining about their mothers in law, we went to Butlins and the sun always shone except when it didn't.

I visited my family yesterday, in the photographs. It's a world now gone, it lives on only in a few scattered photos and fading memories, it's Atlantis.

I went to the old address that my parents and brothers lived in and moved out of to where I am years before I was born. I had never been there before. It's pretty tucked away in a warren of streets so it's hard to get to unless you know how to get there. Don't know why I went, I think I was looking for some kind of echo of them. On the bus there I was kinda gleeful it was like I'm going to [road name] and I will find them there. Of course I didn't, but I did see the cul de sac circle thing where my brothers must have played and I saw the trains going by on the line by the road as had been described to me more than once.

I'm intersecting in space but not in time, we are all here but not at the same time.

[Luornu]

One of the photos of me as a baby shows me holding my youngest oldest brothers' book (it has the title on the back and having googled it it appears it is 'Wheels of Terror' by Sven Hassel, seems to be about nazi tanks in WWII) well anyway there's a whacking great big swastika on the back of the book cover.

So I'm sitting there, an adorable baby girl and I'm holding a book with a huge swastika on it. If I ever were to publish that photo in say my autobiography (wait I'm not likely to become famous am I?) I wonder if I'd have to photoshop that out.

It was the 70s, the war was much closer in history and memory then. But then again maybe it's because two of my three brothers read the war comics and had the model spitfires and fokkers? was that what they were called and my brother  (not the one I lost, the other one) had a ton of books about bloody nazis and I ended up happening to be holding one in a photo. Man, not the photography prop I would have chosen now!

We were at the cricket, we always went to cricket on the sunday, Dad was obsessed by it. He hasn't appeared in the photos yet, he's the one always taking them

[flotemysost]

One of the photos of me as a baby shows me holding my youngest oldest brothers' book (it has the title on the back and having googled it it appears it is 'Wheels of Terror' by Sven Hassel, seems to be about nazi tanks in WWII) well anyway there's a whacking great big swastika on the back of the book cover.

Wow, that's quite an image!

To add to what others have said, you definitely shouldn't feel bad at all for posting about what you're going through. I hope this doesn't sound trite or insensitive, but you write very compellingly (about an unimaginably tough situation). If it helps in some small way then it's nothing to apologise for.

[Luornu]

oh thankyou!

It's nearly a week since I picked that awful letter up off the mat, today I almost feel normal sometimes.The guilt, the loneliness. When my abusive ex dumped me four years ago I was panicking having anxiety attacks because I was so alone but I still had my brothers then and that was a hell of a lot. Now I don't.

My 'bad brother' I want to talk to him I want to tell him I love him before it's too late but I am afraid of him. I don't want another letter to fall on the mat. It's horrible. The anxiety is just terrible. My mind is racing.

I keep thinking about how it was probably only my other brother at the funeral, maybe our uncle and cousin might have been there. My oldest brother deserved better. I should have been there for him.

Trying to make friends, I realise with horror my fb friends are three fake alt accounts I made for Farmville back when I was stupidly addicted to that (zynga the company that made that pretty much forced you to add strangers because that was a part of their business strategy, being avoidant and vulnerable that really was one thing I hated but I was addicted to the stupid game, that was a few years ago so I made three fictional people and they are still there), my brother and my american friend who has left fb leaving his account, did I say this already?

Well I added two people from my Genesis discord server, I know them so it's good, but now I am getting all sorts of shady strangers giving me friendship requests, like I think a lot of them are 'lonely horny middle aged men' who are attempting to friend me cos I have a profile picture that is recognisably of a woman, yikes.

Am doing social groups in microsoft teams for Catalyst which is an organisation helping mental health problem people (like me) in Surrey. I did one group so far, spent the whole time worrying about how dirty the curtains behind me were and how bad it looked, I also I think 'lost the room' when I started eagerly infodumping about bus routes and tube train lines (a special interest rn and a practical thing since I don't have a car) These guys all have cars I think so I don't think they were interested. I feel a bit foolish.

There were only three people there, one of them was a Glaswegian vegetarian (when the conversation got to cooking steak cos I was describing how my ex was such a shit about searing the meat for exactly 8 seconds or something because he'd read that off the internet from some obnoxious American manly meat youtuber well glaswegian veggie exiled in surrey made sure to let us know that he was a vegetarian and he only ate rice and stuff

A bit later he rather condescendingly corrected me on the pronunciation of 'quinoa' Like he said something like "when you go to south america I think you'll find it's pronounced kwin'wa " Dick.

I did explain that I've only ever seen the word written down never said aloud and that there are a lot of words like that for me. Well the other bloke thought it was called 'quinine' why didn't he get a condscending little dick remark like that?

I haven't heard the word 'quinoa' said aloud because I am very socially isolated, I literally have no friends and the kind of people you meet in Staines are not the kind of people who under any circumstances whatever say the word 'quinoa' aloud.

I still miss my brother

[bgmnts]

I spell it keenoir

[Luornu]

I am still very confused about the events that led up to my other brother trying to kick the door down and calling me and effing c word. Thing is I really think abusive ex poisoned my mind against my brothers. Even my favourite now late brother. Ex hated my family because he hated everyone. I was desperate for his approval and was so afraid of him leaving me so afraid of being alone (I'm autistic, badly mentally damaged from childhood bullying I'm basically a hermit. A 'normal' woman with frends and a social life would have dumped him years earlier but I was like ownoowohwoowow my one and only chance at a relationship after this there's nothing so I let myself stay in an abusive relationship like a moron)

Basically ex did things to provoke other brother while he was gone and then I'd get the blame for it from other brother, and then he would constantly tell me to stand up to him. Like other brother paid me some rent money and ex would go on and on about how it wasn't enough and that money would have been enough 20 years ago but it ws just insulting now and stuff

And I was so uncomfortable and I would try to 'stand up to him' to please ex because I desperately craved his approval and other brother unfortunately responded to this by becoming bullying and aggressive and this really upset me because I have suffered from bullying all my life and to get it from my own brother in my own home

So Other brother took the side door key, ex noticed and hit the roof. He's stolen the key he wants control of the house etc, if it had been just me I don't think I'd have even noticed. Ex I realise now wanted the house and my brothers were a threat to that, I mean when I first said other brother could come over Ex had broken up with me and I thought he wouldn't be bacck but he kept on coming back and I was so confused and I wanted to save our relationship so badly and

So in retaliation for my other brother 'stealing the key' ex barricaded the garage door where he was storing his possessions from his old house and of course when ex had gone and brother came home I got the nastiness and aggression from him about it and that just upset me because I was afraid of my brother so I barricaded the door while he ws out at the pub and I thought maybe he's gone because of the row but he came back and he kicked the door he ws drunk and I literally thought I was going to be murdered

So lately the police came and then I thought they would let him back in and I was so afraid that I blurted out what he did when I was a kid and I didn't want to because I knew it would ruin his life but I was literally afraid for my life

And after that I knew I could never see either of my brothers again

But I joined in with ex to an extent in bitching about him, I shared my part in provoking him, my mum and dad would be so angry with me that I couldn't offer a home to my own brother. I think I am a very bad person

Ex even put my brother's ready meal on the radiator to try and make him sick, I tried to get him to stop it, I knew tht could kill my brother but ex wouldbn't have it. Ex was a real shit sometimes, why did it take me so long to notice it properly! Why didn't I stop him I tried but I couldn't Mum would hate me so much for that, that I allowed him to do such a potentially bad thing to my brother (he ate it and it didnt affect him  at all)

I was caught between two very angry toxic men and I just wanted both of them to go away. Other brother was always a bit arseholish but he was really really arseholish now, he disappeared after our dad died and he was a stranger. I didn't recognise him, my brother was thin and dark haired and young and there was this angry toxic fat grey haired man I didn't know in my house. I was really scared of him.

I really think I am a bad personn

[Glebe]

I really think I am a bad person

Really?! You've been through a lot Luornu and I you seem like a good person to me.

[Luornu]

Hi Glebe

I feel terrible yknow but I feel a lot better than when I made that post.

Thankyou for the vote of confidence

I've made a series of fb posts in which I attempted to sort out the circumstances of what lead to the breakdown of the relationship between my living brother and I. Basically my ex partner wanted the house (our late parents' house which my brothers and I had part ownership of) Ex in all the time I knew him was bitterly complaining about not being able to afford a house, he saved up and still couldn't, so he lived part time in a van and part time in a narrow boat (full time moorings are more expensive, he could only afford the kind where you can only live on the boat for three days a week or something)

I realise now that he only stuck around as long as he did because he wanted my house, and my brothers were a threat to that, so when my brother r's marriage broke up and he wanted to live here in the house it was a threat to what ex wanted the house so he basically poisoned my mind against my brother, I mean the seeds fell on fertile ground because r. basically is not a very nice person and he did disappear from my life after our dad's death and he is basically not to put too fine a point on it an arsehole and not very bright with it.

I mean r. would give me rent money and ex would say that's not enough money for nowadays and ex would go you'll get striped up on the council tax with two people living here and all of this and just filled me with anxiety and he was like 'stand up to him and grow some bollocks' and I felt I had to 'stand up to him' to please ex, and r. had insisted on having rent money from ex if he moved in and he kept on and on about this rent money he thought he was entitled to and I was grieving the death of the relationship and the loss of the man I thought loved me (he only loved the house)

What happened did I say this in the last post? ex did things to anger r. (like blocking doors and stuff) and then I got the anger from r. when he came back and ex wouldn't defend me or anything because 'not my family not my place' , and you know a more intelligent or kind person would have asked me if anything was wrong yknow but my brother r. immediately went to the bullying and aggression, if a kinder more intelligent person came back to find the door barricaded they would have said can we talk? but no my brother r. started trying to kick the door down while calling me an effing c word.

One time ex was all don't reply to him straight away let him stew and all this weird stuff like he was in a spy thriller or something and then when my now late brother g. messaged me about this I blurted out that ex didn't want me talking to them yet and then of course r. turns up and he's all 'whats this all about' in a very kinda aggressive way and then of course I get shit from ex who's like why the hell did you tell them? Well because I'm autistic and I'm not good at lying and stuff and it was you who decided it was all this grand intrigue not me and I just wanted both of them to go away frankly

I was caught in a dick waving contest between two controlling toxic angry men. It was horrible.

I wish I had never let A. (ex) into my life. I wish I had never met him. I could have been there with g. (late brother) at the end but for that.

Oh it didn't help that r. said 'can I come stay for a few days' and 'a few day's meant 'months and months and maybe forever'. I thought he literally meant a few days. I mean the fact that R. was a stranger to me at this point and I was having to Mask (an autistic thing) in my own home was extremely stressful and the fact that r. had zero understanding or caring about my condition (I'm fairly sure he's on the spectrum himself though). He lived in the same house as me for years and he still knows nothing about me. I couldn't stand the thought of living with him for months and maybe forever and the fact that his presence was causing my life partner to break up with me...

Oh yeah after this was over a. (ex) said I'm not getting the house so I'm fucking off bye (I paraphrase) He dumped me anyway. After I had destroyed my relationship with my brothers for him (I didn't want to he kind of forced me into it with his manipulation and meddling)

Now a few years time another solitors' letter will drop on the mat and tell me r. is gone. Despite everything I still love him. I want to tell him I love him before it's too late.

Just the worst despair.

[Glebe]

Sorry Luorno. Hope thing work out okay for you, you deserve it.

[Johnny Yesno]

Damn, it sounds to me like you haven't had much control of events in your life, Luornu. For that reason, you should let yourself off some of the guilt you're feeling. I guess that's easy for me to say from outside the situation.

I can totally identify with your earlier comment about the end of a relationship feeling like a bereavement. I felt it too when my 16-year relationship ended and I reckon I went through those stages of bereavement that eventually result in acceptance.

Not much help, there, I'm afraid. I can help with the word quinoa, though: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quinoa

ˈkiːn.wɑː, kiˈnoʊ.ə

There it is: key-noire or key-Noah. Either is fine. That bloke is a twat.

Edit: also, Jamaican ginger cake is the bomb. Good choice!

[Bernice]

Just adding to the general love and sympathy Luorno. You've clearly had some very tough times in life none of which seems to have been your fault. Being stuck between two abusive controlling men sounds horrible – that it led to the breakdown of your relationship with the brother you liked is an awful thing, but not a situation you can blame yourself for.

Some of your reminiscences and ruminations on the passing of time have been really beautiful. Do post in here for as long as it's helpful, people are listening.

[Crenners]

It's not your fault, your ex sounds like a gaslighting abusive cunt. I'm sorry you went through that. Sending virtual hugs.

[bgmnts]

Oh and by the way, I'll chuck you 30 quid for a counselling session if you can't get one on the NHS.

[Armed Traffic Warden]

Best wishes. It's sad to read and I hope you are able to make that tedious journey to a place of better mental well-being.
  By the way, what kind of parents call their kid 'Well'?

[madhair60]

Oh and by the way, I'll chuck you 30 quid for a counselling session if you can't get one on the NHS.

I need a Five Guys double cheecounselling session, PM me

[Luornu]

Guys thankyou all so much,

I must say I'm a little exhausted this week, so I've just been reflecting quietly for the most part. I'm very happy to hear some of you reiterate that it isn't my fault..I mean many people have been saying that but I really need to hear it.

I just feel that the whole deal with ex and the house it seems so obvious now, blindingly obvious! And I don't get why I didn't see it at the time. Perhaps I was too close to the situation?

One time my ex and I were clearing out my Dad's room after his death, and we came across the deed of sale for the house from the 1962, it was 8 thousand and ex was like blimey 8 grand I could get it out of the bank this afternoon!

Fact is it was a lot easier to buy a house in the early 60s. I'm not an economic expert so I'm not sure I entirely understand why house prices are so difficult to afford these days, but if houses were as easy to buy as they were in my parents' day then ex wouldn't have been so hung up on getting a house and none of this would have happened! but then again if I'd never let that man into my life none of this would have happened!

Never have I wished for the ability to travel backwards in time more than now! I mean before I'd have just liked it to go and see Genesis at the Hammersmith Odeon or something, but now......if only

My social worker has linked me to some kind of counselling thing online which is to do with the nhs, I'll give it a go, had some bad experiences with them in the past! thanks for the kind offer..

Feel very alone, my social worker's closing the case. I mean she did anger and infuriate me with how condescending she is (another long story) but I said I want you to leave me alone I said it in anger now she really is leaving me alone, I have no one I thought I had no one before when ex dumped me but I had my brothers then...

Only person I have is my friend in america I emailed him fearing he might have died (he's been ill) he writes back all oh I'm sorry about your brother oh guess what I have a girlfriend now.....oh. (that's nice I will almost certainly never have another relationship, I tried and I got assaulted by some predatory piece of shit...well nothing but loneliness for me forever but bully for you I guess) we emailed like two more times and now it's been a week and he hasn't written back. Yeah his dance card is filled, same old same old. It was ever thus.

Yeah I'm not bitter or anything. Ha.

[Luornu]

Oh! I've only just got the 'well' joke! :) quick off the mark, me

Looking at the old photos. I see my brothers playing together from before I was born. They were always together. I was an only child in all but name because they were grown up by then. I never had anyone to play with. I spend the whole time alone in the back garden, making up stories in my head. It's kind of the same thing I do now, actually. I don't know what it's like having people your own age to play with as a child. I feel a bit sad about it. I always did really.

My brothers didn't want to play with me, they were grown ups and what young man wants to play with his little sister? Even my brother who I liked he didn't know how to relate to me when I was little. we gained some closeness later when we could have conversations and we had some good ones. I wish I could remember more of what we talked about now.

My brother had the most amazing depth of knowledge. I mean I think I know some stuff and I've read some books for my sins, but he knew so much about so many things. One of his particular interests was in politics and I used to quiz him about the politics of all the countries I could think of, and he always knew..I mean today we have wikipedia for that stuff! but then it was different.

He was the person who first told me the sun was a star. When I was little I said wouldn't be amazing if we could see a star up close and he said we can it's the sun! My mind was blown! I never dreamed that the sun was the same as the points of light in the night sky...I mean that might seem awfully dense of me but I was about four to be fair, he was the one who told me the earth was round so I said how come we don't fall off the side? Gravity he said, I was like oh okay. (guess the flat earthers on youtube never had a conversation like that)

When I was about three and a half I got a big teddy bear who was pink and bigger than me. He named the bear Gigantus because I was so amazed at this. I had Gigantus for years and years, he disappeared at one point (he was a boy bear even though he was pink)....that memory comes back to me now.

I realise my next of kin is now my missing brother and I don't know if he is alive or dead. I did find one of my nephews, one of his sons on Twitter (he appears to be into ufos and sadly seems to be a moon landing denialist,,sigh) but he hasn't tweeted since January so I don't think there's much point in sending him a message.

My nephews are strangers now anyway. I guess they will get what little of my earthly goods there will be when I go. I hope it does them some good. More good than it ever did me I suppose.

[Dex Sawash]

Have you thought about moving somewhere not so connected to bad memories? I'm bad at this caring/support stuff but nobody said this yet so I did. Maybe nobody said it because it is a terrible idea, fuck knows.

[Luornu]

Hi, yes I have considered it. In fact I've asked my support worker person (they're a separate organisation from the social workers, I  hope they aren't going away) to maybe investigate the possibility and go through how it might work (I've never moved in my life so I don't know how it works at all, that must sound pretty funny, I'm 50 years old and that's a whole thing I have no experience of!)

But I don't know if it is feasible or doable. I think it is very likely that I might not be able to afford it. The house is in poor repair, (have I mentioned that there is a hole in the roof of the window bay in the front room and the rain comes through and this has been the case for about three and a half years now, can't afford to repair it) My old support worker was talking about getting someone she knew to repair the hole for free or a discount but she left (to support her disabled husband, wow how nice it would be to have someone who would leave their job to support you, anything happens to me I'm on my own, forever)

And now she's gone, and nothing's been said about it since. So the hole in the front room is staying forever I guess and everytime it rains there's more damage. I've got loads of buckets, half cut off water bottles,washing up bowls, mixing bowls, old wastebaskets, all sorts of things to catch the water, put raincoat and tarpaulin over the sofa, leather sofa's probably fucked,. Ex left a quite nice hi fi system there, I never could work out how to get it to work (I mean it was complicated what happened to record players that you just pressed a button and that was it, I  mean you had to turn all these separate components and I couldn't work it out) and that expensive nice audiophile hi fi system is probably destroyed by the rain even though I've tried to move it out the way but it's anchored by wires and I don't know where they all go to unplug them and perhaps I could have got some much needed money from that but it's probably fucked from the rain

So like anyway I don't know if I'll get good money for this house because it's in poor repair, also the money would be split into three (would have been four before). I don't know if that would leave me enough money to buy somewhere else. I do not want to be trapped into renting. I've read horror stories about that on reddit. (the font of all knowledge?) I'd only be interested in moving away if I could buy somewhere outright and I don't know if that would be possible. Especially with how crazy property prices are nowadays.

My road is a 'high demand area' so yes there would be money, but I still think the house wouldn't go for what it would be worth if it was in good repair. Thing is, this house is too big for me, I get bills that are hard for me to pay because it's assumed this house is occupied by a couple in good jobs with 2.0 children, I don't have the money or the practical skills to do maintenance on it.

I should say there are some good memories here as well. The extension and the arch my dad built on the garden gate have my dad's brickwork on it. (he was a bricklayer), on one of the bricks on the garage wall there is written in faded writing the legend 'bbc rul the' which according to my oldest brother was something to do with a game my brothers were playing before I was born. Something to do with the bbc apparantly. I think it was my second brother who wrote that because his spelling was appalling. My oldest brother would have spelled the word 'rule' correctly

I'll never know what it was the bbc was ruling in this game, maybe that was the point of it? Well anyway many times in the last fortnight I've gone up to that brick, touched it looked at it, it makes me feel closer to my brothers. Pathetic maybe. But I don't have much left. I want to go but I wish I could keep that close to me.

At some point the decision might be made for me and taken out of my hands, if the house deteriorates enough it might be ruled unsafe and then I don't need to agonise over it.

I have realised it would probably make more sense to only sell after my 'bad' brother has died. I realise sadly that it probably won't be that long, he's very fat and probably an alcoholic (I think the fact that he had become a heavy drinker had more than a little to do with how angry and dark he had become when I got to know him again). But it's a horrible thing. What would my mum and dad say? It is as if I am willing my brother to die. My parents would never forgive me.

There is also a dent in the bathroom door where my dad kicked it because my middle brother had locked himself in there (the one who disappeared) I find myself looking at that, because it's proof that my family lived, that they existed, that they were here once. My missing brother was always very independant. He joined the army and left the moment he was old enough, that was when I was a baby, I never really knew him. He flew out the door of the birdcage and never looked back.

Meanwhile I have sat in the cage all these years. I wonder who had the better idea me or him? I think probably him. If he knew I was mooning over an old bit of writing on a brick or a dent in a door he would laugh and say something like 'move on you silly cow'. I'm too weighed down by the past. He just flew away and never looked back. I wonder where he is now. He would probably think I'm a weirdo. I think perhaps he always did. He was always very different to the rest of us.

[Luornu]

Oh I should say I'm very fat too, so I'm not being down on fat people. I am a fat people. I was trying to lose weight like I'd resolved to the very day before I got that solicitor's letter, I saw myself in the cctv at a tescos, and I was horrified by how big I looked. Well I didn't eat very much for a week but now I've kinda gone back to the comfort eating.

I wanted to preserve the life that mum and dad gave me, but I think I might be eating myself to death. I don't really fear it anymore, and besides I seriously think I might freeze to death when the winter comes (really) because I won't be able to afford the heating.

I want to see my family again, I know it would be wrong to hasten it. I do feel that there's not much in my life for me anymore. I'm only 50 but I feel like I'm about 80. Well, it sucks. That is all.

[Luornu]

well I have no one and no hope. tbh I feel like killing myself. I put some hope in this 'recovery college' thing my social worker linked me to so today I finally look at it and quelle surprise it's fucking cbt. In other words you go la la la daisies and roses my problems aren't happening! in other words I 'reframe'. No. I don't want to 'reframe' I want my PROBLEMS FUCKING SOLVED.

CBT in other words 'stop whining and smile and we aren't interested so fuck off' The nhs pushes it so hard because it's cheap and easy and dolally spackers like me are awkward and they don't like that. 'Reframing' does fucking nothing! How does 'reframing' put love back into my life? How does reframing put hope back in my life?

The only thing that will make me happy is to have love and to have children so that I am bound to life and the future and hope and not death and despair and the past and ghosts. but I can't, I'm fat and ugly and old and my teeth are falling out because I've been addicted to  fizzy drinks, I'm poor and I have nothing to offer anyone but tear stained dependence. Not sexy, not a catch.

I can't have children, I'm about to hit the menopause, and I'm probably too old anyway. To have children to have that joy is all I want. I want it so much and I can't. Everywhere I look everyone has someone, everyone has kids, everyone has lovers, I have no one. Literally no one,

I tried to make friends in the catalyst groups, I just can't do it. They all know each other already, and lets be honest about this I need a lover, I need a boyfriend. I need a partner, there's like three men, I don't fancy any of them and I think they are all married anyway. So that's it there's no hope. It's so awkward I can't talk in groups I can only talk one to one with people in groups I'm just not confident enough to talk and if I do I just gabble on like an idiot child and you can see their eyes glazing over

They are proper people they all have spouses and children and normal lives all I've done is hide in my house all my life, I sound like some wierd childlike alien compared to them\

I had the recovery college tabs and the nhs mind matter tabs open on my computer for like weeks I've closed them both/ NHS are fucking useless they won't help me. No point.

The recovery college things are either microsoft teams which I just can't do because I find that 0nline meeting thing  humiliating and horrible or they are places in surrey I can't get to because I don't have a car.

There's no hope. There's only this grey loneliness forever. One of my teeth fell out last night, this morning called my support worker get an answreing machine she's on holiday. Oh great. I'll never go on holiday again, can't afford it, couldn't plan the logistics anyway

It made me happy to go out on the tube trains, I could be with people who were alive even though I am not connnected to them. But since I'm on esa and I've got less than 200 pounds to last me the next week and a half I can't afford it anymore, Been trying to do art, I can't afford to buy art supplies now, very little money, Cost of living payment came in I've blasted thru it in two fortnights back in the poverty plunge again

I had to get out of the house and away from the ghosts but now I can't afford to do anything but sit in the house of the ghosts every day can't afford to do anything else. My brothers will never come home again, my parents will never come home again I go up to my dad's brickwork that is a platform that's holding up a sign by staines town hall that's my dad's brickwork I sit and I try to feel close to my dad

I have no one, I don't like it, I thought I was talking to the spirits I thought they were close to me but I think I was talking to myself the whole time,

I don't enjoy this, I don't enjoy what my life has become, I can't ride around on the trains and I can't do art I can't do anything. my brothers will never come home again.

[Luornu]

I think my tooth fell out because I kinda hit the fizzy drinks again after what happened with my brother. And the heatwave well you want to drink and most places when you're out they don't sell plain water, there's still a lot of places that don't sell water even now it's all sugary and acidic and well a tooth fell out that's been bad a long time. I'm going to end up with dentures.I hate dentures., they are disgusting and repulsive, I was afraid of my dad's false teeth when I was a kid, nhs won't do anything but dentures' They are vile I hate them. They gave me a partial one already I threw it in the bin because dentures are revolting and vile and I will not wear them, they disgust me

I can't afford implants I don't want to have false teeth they are so disgusting. But the nhs won't give me anything else. I feel like there is no hope. I see a cute guy on the train and then I remember I look like jabba the fucking hutt and I'm 50 yeah they aren't going to be attracted to me. Not to mention that I can't go with men I meet in the outside world becaue that's how I got raped and there's literally no other way for me to meet someone.

Well there' s online dating but that's full of predators and people who hate fat women when you sheepishly admit look im fat that's not a problem is it they immediately stop talking to you and yeah it is a problem

There's no hope, I was never good at making friends I just ran back to my mum and dad but now they are gone I have no one. I need like social groups to go to but it's all that stupid online zoom thing I can't do that.

I don't want this life. The national autistic society won't help you unless you have a diagnosis and I can't get a diagnosis been on the waiting list for four years then they wrote back said you haven't provided any infomation, the doctor five years ago never said anything about that they just tapped a computer key and let me work it out for myself that he was finished and I had to leave the room! my social worker got me put back in the list but I think I'm back at the back of the queue so it's probably going to be 5 6 7 years now

occasionally people say ask the doctors about it so three years ago I went there she said there's nothing you can do about it that's the waiting list that's it and that was it

fuck me there's no hope, didn't talk to a single human being today. no fucking hope.

[Luornu]

can anyone explain to me why I should continue to be alive? what is there for  me. I'm not brave enough to kill myself anyway. But I'm not sure what point there is anymore. You can call the samaritans if you get thru and chances are you won't. often you get someone who is fucking useless, it's a lottery, and you have to explain your whole complicated history again to a new person and it's just soul destroying,

And all they can do is listen' I don't want someone just to listen I don't want to talk to someone, I want someone to help me, the samaritans can;t help all they do is listen., I don't need that., I need my problems fixed and they won't do that.

I was putting all my hope  in the recovery college thing but of course it's fucking cbt, I hate cbt and it's shit.