Got any good Santa's grotto disasters?

[idunnosomename]

Can you go to one of these where its guaranteed the big man is consistently referred to as "Father Christmas"

[Jerzy Bondov]

Trying to get my kids to believe only in the Raymond Briggs Father Christmas. You see his arse so you know he's real.

[Terry Torpid]

take it from a lifelong pathological liar, the more elements you add to your lie the quicker it's getting RUMBLED. if you have an elf on shelf you are asking to be RUMBLED. drive to Santa's shite grotto, RUMBLED. Keep it simple and you'll have them believing in Santa long into their forties and god bless

This is a good point. My parent's never took me to see Santa, and they always told me the one in the shopping centre wasn't the real Santa. They knew I was smart enough to see through the fake beard, but not smart enough to see through the overall conceit.

I also asked how Santa came down the chimney considering we had an electric coal effect fire installed, which blocked the fireplace. They simply told me that they'd given him the key and he came in the side door. No magical rationale, just a nice simple prosaic explanation.

[Shaxberd]

Fucking social media performativity innit. Gotta have pictures to show off. Turn your life into content, perform for the algorithm, keep up with the Joneses. Not like the kids will remember much of it anyway.

[TommyTurnips]

I got told he has a magic key because we didn't have a chimney either.

Then we'd leave some sherry and mince pies out for him and in the morning they'd be gone. That was all the evidence we needed back in those days. None of this ropey grotto in a car park.

[idunnosomename]

the "proper" ones are quite funny deso to. The Trafford Centre one in recent years has been characterised by film tie-ins which continue through the crappy gift Santa gives you, last year and 2021 Paddington, before that the James Corden Peter Rabbit shit

2022. look at this shit



https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/whats-on/family-kids-news/parents-slam-rip-off-rushed-25688856

heres a similar one from Bristol

Paddington and Father Christmas at Cribbs Causeway was an absolute joke. £15 for two adults and a child. No grotto just a holding pen to wait to go into one of four doors to see one of four Santas. 18 month old child got given a 99p Paddington sticker book of the actors on the Paddington film and a jar of marmalade that he subsequently dropped and amazingly didn't smash at Santa's feet. Not allowed to take photos but you could spend another £10 to buy a photo... Absolute disgrace and so do not waste your money on basically a £15 jar of marmalade...

Date of experience: December 2021

This year they've removed the film tie-in stuff but the price has gone up £25 for children and £7.50 for adult

CANDY CANE LAND
An immersive introduction to an unforgettable entertainment experience, at the start of your journey, you'll find yourself in Candy Cane Land. With a warm welcome, you're encouraged to begin writing your letter to Santa before embarking on the next adventure, surrounded by towering candy canes and sparkling lights.

ENCHANTED FOREST
Stepping into a new world, you'll continue the festive experience into the Enchanted Forest, where you'll seek out Santa's Merry Mailroom.

MERRY MAILROOM
Step into the delightful disarray of Santa's Merry Mailroom. This magical mailroom goes beyond the imagination. With letters zipping across the room, blanketing every visible surface, it's a whirlwind of festive communication.

SANTA'S GROTTO
The moment you've been waiting for... it's time to enter Santa's cosy cabin for your meet and greet opportunity.

Thankfully, your family's hard work has paid off and Santa received the letters by special delivery. It's time to read through your letter with Santa and his Head Elf, Holly, before having a professional photo taken and receive your Christmas gift in this special moment. Professional photos can be purchased additionally, at the Photo Collection point.

The MEN has an account where they seem to say it's ok, but then they did probably get it on expenses.

https://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/whats-on/family-kids-news/i-took-kids-new-trafford-28126070

This person is not as happy.

We visited the Grotto yesterday. We pre booked at £25 per child x3 plus 5 adults. To say I was disappointed is an understatement! It was absolutely shocking and a total rip off! They went through a curtain what was a shop opposite boots. They got a letter to Santa went in and gave it to him then a door to Santa and got a present of a jigsaw which looked liked it had been bought in the pound shop. Then photos were £10 each we need two.

Don't go! I expected much more. I would rather have bought the kids an extra Christmas present for £25. I feel like I've been robbed and feel deflated snd the kids were like what happens next. Kids that's it home!

[Butchers Blind]

Christmas isn't Christmas until you've taken your kids to a farmer's barn draped in used tinsel and met a 'santa' stinking of day old Tennents Super.

[idunnosomename]

i wonder if you set up an openly shit santas grotto and got the sweet spot of a competitive price, you'd make a decent profit of people going ironically, for a laugh, like

[Huxleys Babkins]

18 month old child got given a 99p Paddington sticker book of the actors on the Paddington film

All the kids swapping stickers of the actors from Paddington in the playground. I'll give you a shiny Hugh Bonneville for a Sally Hawkins, a Julie Walters and a Jim Broadbent.

[idunnosomename]

Jim Broadbent is worth more than that, he's a shiny

[Huxleys Babkins]

Jim Broadbent is worth more than that, he's a shiny

A plain Broadbent is worth a third of a shiny Bonneville.

A shiny Broadbent, on the other hand, is a completely different proposition. So rare, you really only ever see them at organised swap meets, or going for thousands on eBay.

[iamcoop]

Santa's shoeless replacement in the Metrocentre, Gateshead.

He knows you've been naughty.

The North East have got form for this.

My friend took their kid to see Santa who was oddly placed on a bus in Northumberland St and decided to swerve it when people in front said he stank of booze and had dubious knuckle tattoos.

[Elderly Sumo Prophecy]

Santas got a hard on
Hip hip hip hooray
Sit on Santa's hard on till the police take him away

[Sonny_Jim]

Mum spends £85 on a 'Grinch visit' for him to trash house and pour juice on son

I had no idea this was a career option and feel like I've been wasting my life.

[Huxleys Babkins]

Santa's shoeless replacement in the Metrocentre, Gateshead.

He knows you've been naughty.

Santa, please stop telling all the children that your gloves are "gossamer thin". It's bad enough that they are, but the parents are finding your constant emphasising of it in hushed tones really concerning.

[Gurke and Hare]

Clive Dunn's looking well.

[Dex Sawash]

Not a grotty Grotto but this one had me sniggering in public as I listened to Three Bean Salad podcast a couple of years ago.

https://www.joe.co.uk/news/mum-spends-85-on-a-grinch-visit-for-him-to-trash-house-and-pour-juice-on-son-306411

Mum spends £85 on a 'Grinch visit' for him to trash house and pour juice on son

SON WAS 28

[steve98]

My sister's coming round on Christmas Eve, with her two kids (4 and 6); and she's asked me to dress up as Santa for them. My problem is: I don't have the proper clobber; I've got no clothes or hat or anything that could be made into something like a Santa uniform. The one thing I do have is some disposable adult nappies; and I'm thinking one of them might make a half-decent beard(With a hole cut for the mouth).



There's a bit of writing on it: "Tena Comfort Ultra"; but I'm thinking I could just tell the kids "Tena" is "Santa" in Lap.

[idunnosomename]

Trauma incoming

[dissolute ocelot]

In the name of god, just buy a hat and some cotton wool.

[Senior Baiano]

Tell your sister to fuck off

[Glebe]

I forgot my all time favourite, from a few years ago.

[BritishHobo]

I've posted this on here before, but I truly believe this is one of the greatest miscarriages of justice in our time:

"Santa is sacked after telling children he isn't real"

Story, right, 'bout a family who go to see a garden centre Santa Claus, who inexplicably tells their children he isn't real[nb]mind-fuck[/nb] and converses with the young'uns about the Sandy Hook school shooting massacre. The management, in their own words, "[accept] the customers' version of events", firing the jolly old man, and giving the family a refund and some free tickets to some bollocks or other, by way of apology. Fair enough, right? Nothing out of the ordinary here, if you ignore the fact that a man who'd been Santa there for years, and continued to be so for the rest of the day, without any similar terrifying outburst, decided to do this out of nowhere, for no discernible reason  Nothing out of the ordinary at all. Just a family encountering a nasty, clearly guilty maniac, and moving on to a restaurant to have a nice, calming meal.

The Kennett family's day only get worse when they went for a meal at the nearby Tandem Hungry Horse in Kennington, Oxon, to cheer the children up.

Mrs Kennett said that when the children told a balloon artist they had written to Father Christmas, he replied: "That was a waste of time.

"Santa is my best friend, we went skiing last weekend and he told me that he doesn't bother reading letters because he has got better things to do."

Hungry Horse spokesman Amy Golledge said: "Hungry Horse is saddened and disappointed to hear our young diners had been upset by a hired entertainer, especially so close to Christmas."

She said the Kennett family had been offered a complimentary meal.

HANG ON A MINUTE. HANG ON. That's a bit coincidental! Bit eerie. They go to two different places, and both happen to have a children's entertainer who, despite having so far been harmless enough to stay employed, are so fucking revolted at the sight of their children that they can't help but blurt out awful things about Christmas? Hang on a minute.

No. Nah mate, I'm not having it, this is bollocks. This family are dangerous and somebody should fucking stop them. They've already taken on Santa Claus and a man with balloons - there is no limit for these maniacs.

I wrote it very tongue-in-cheek, and reposted it two years later, also tongue-in-cheek. But I genuinely hand on heart believe that in this odd, niche news story there is an overlooked injustice where two innocent people lost their jobs because of a family who tried to get some free stuff by lying. I can't do anything about it. It's not worthy enough to make a podcast or whatever. But I think it's fucked. I can't forget it.

[BritishHobo]

I fucked up the formatting on that and then fucked it up about six more times while trying to fix it, so sorry if that made no sense, but it should do now.

[BlodwynPig]

Was the family Margaret Hodge?

[neveragain]

Here's a grim one for you. Someone I know lost their job as a grotto Santa because he dropped a baby.

[Captain Z]

Well yeah it's normal to go on maternity leave then.

[idunnosomename]

was it the Prince of Peace, Emmanuel?

[Captain Poodle Basher]

Fucking social media performativity innit. Gotta have pictures to show off. Turn your life into content, perform for the algorithm, keep up with the Joneses. Not like the kids will remember much of it anyway.

One of my inlaws has a friend who runs a cafe.

Last Saturday, the friend had to evict a family who arrived at lunctime, four of them, accompanied by a Santa who they'd booked for two hours and expected to be able to commandeer a corner of the small cafe for the duration whilst Santa did his routine. The woman took this very badly and has threatened to get the cafe closed down.

Apparently, "Santa" was skinny youngster dressed in a red sweater and red chinos.

[Theoretical Dentist]

"There was no ginger bread houses no post office station, nothing. Not even a decoration."

This is my favourite part of any of the reviews. Like, I wouldn't expect to find either of those things at a Santa's grotto, but apparently the whole thing is so standardised that people are distraught if these elements are missing. Maybe in a hundred years Santa will live in a gingerbread house and that'll just be an accepted part of the mythology. And what even is a 'post office station'? Just a post office? For posting letters to Santa? Why would you need to post a letter when he's right there?

The prices are a bit of an exaggeration, early in November it's £59 per person, but that of course means a minimum of £118 for parent and child (triple on Christmas Eve, obvs).

I'm disturbed by the implication that the children of the rich and powerful can get to occupy Santa's time on Christmas Eve, when unless they go pretty early in the morning UK time, he should already be delivering presents to (mostly much less rich) children in Kirabati or somewhere. Bringing up their children to snatch presents from the hands of the poor.