well my brother is dead

[Luornu]

yeah....it was unresolvable. That's it exactly. There was no solution to this situation. There was not a team of writers as if on a soap opera all ready with their clever writing trickery to resolve the story line. It was never going to be.

Yeah I had a very good idea it would end up this way. I wish my oldest brother hadn't been collateral damage in the situation with my other brother. It was never going to end any other way.

I'm really kicking myself over that stupid mistake typing in the wrong email address. I really want to send him a new email now but it's too late. It's too late damn it.

[Luornu]

There's a legal problem I sort of have, the solicitors want me to send photo id (a passport or driving license) I don't have either of those things, can't afford to get either of those things. I'm not sure what I can do about that?

I hate the photo id thing like so many places just assume that everyone has either a passport or a driving license but I don't.

Does anyone have any idea of something like that that they would accept that isn't really expensive to obtain?

Well I will have to try and get in touch with my support worker (I'm classed as like a disabled person because of the autism and all the other stuff the nhs will never get around to diagnosing, long story) on Monday. Of course these things always happen on the weekend when no one is working. Because of course they do.

[greencalx]

Sounds like an awful situation. Sympathies.

There must be other ways to identify yourself, and a solicitor should be able to advise. Do you have your birth certificate at least? Again this should be something that the other CAB can help with.

[Luornu]

I do have my birth certificate, it's in my document box somewhere. Well that might be something that can be worked with. If I can't find it I think it can be applied for.

Okay I'm not doing so great today, but thankyou for all your replies, it really does help. I'm going to try and be kind to myself. I've been thru a lot of shit in the last five years....my partner of 18 years dumped me and pretty much told me he had never loved me, well the grief over that was difficult, then the situation with my brother happened about the same time that was happening

My soon to be ex said why not reach out to your brothers and well I did and then youngest oldest brother took advantage of my vulnerability and tried to get whatever he could and he never cared about me. It ended badly.

Then two years ago I tried to make friends with someone because I was so alone and well trigger warning for SA okay-...............he sexually assaulted me because this guy took advantage,,,,well,  there was another police thing and in the end it ended the same way, no proof it wasn't consensual. So that was that

Was a mess before, am a mess after

Sorry to say so much heavy stuff

And now to find out my brother is dead from the clinical language of a legal letter.

Well there are no more loved ones now for me to lose. They all gone. The buddhists do say that is most desirable to dissolve all attachments

All attachments gone now.

I was gonna start a diet today because I'm too fat, but this today I was down the little shop and I bought a big bag of sweets. Gonna try and get back on the wagon now, god,

It's my birthday on tuesday. A better time that was. The people who loved me were there then.

[bgmnts]

Probably okay to have some sweets today to be honest.

[Luornu]

..you're probably right. Id' do a smileyface but I don't know how to do one on here. but then again emojis are annoying aren't they?

I think it's why I like old regional itv idents, reminds me of my childhood. A safer time. Things weren't perfect then of course. Problems then, some not unrelated to the problems now,

I want to be four years old and watching pipkins again. If only.

My brothers were all grown up when I was little,. My oldest brother was the only one I had anyhting in common with and really got on with....we would talk for hours about funny little things. About politics and science fiction.

I won't talk to him again. Perhaps not in this world. I still live in the same house I've lived all my life. I think that maybe if I open the door that was once the door to his bedroom that I will find him at his desk doing his law homework from college, the shelves with the binders of course work above him. (he was always a lot neater than me)

Cam almost believe he's still there behind the door

[the science eel]

It's heartbreaking to read all this, Luornu. I'm so terribly sorry you've had to go through so much. It's good that (apparently) you feel comfortable opening up about everything here. It's a very supportive environment, I can see that.

Be good to yourself and keep happy thoughts as much as you can.

[Catalogue Trousers]

Good Thoughts headed your way.

[Kankurette]

I wish you long life. <3

[Mister Six]

If ever there was a time for comfort eating, I reckon this is it. Get yourself a nice cake on Tuesday, and all.

And please believe, this is going to get easier with time. Even though that doesn't seem possible now. It will.

[Mister Six]

Also, re: photo ID, can you get a Post Office Pass Card? They're 15 quid, which is cheaper than a driving licence or passport, at least: https://www.postoffice.co.uk/identity/pass-card

Assuming you're a Brit, of course. If not there might still be stuff you can get in your relevant jurisdiction.

[Glebe]

So sorry to hear this Luornu, my deepest condolences. And I'm sorry to hear you've had those awful experiences in your life.

From what you say it's clear he was an intelligent and thoughtful fellow and I imagine he knew you cared deeply about him despite not being in contact for some time... life can be bloody complicated at the best of times.

In any case love and hugs and take care of yourself.

[madhair60]

Really very sorry for your loss. You mentioned Pipkins so here's Hartley.

[Luornu]

Yay! Hartley! Thankyou so much everyone. I did used to really love pipkins back in the day :)

yeah...today has been not easy (can you tell? you can tell can't you?) I just feel so guilty I worry he thought I'd ignored his letter. It's very hard. I kind of believe in spiritual things you know, I'm interested in reincarnation and stuff. I know that's not fashionable in modern times. I hope he knows I didn't ignore him, wherever he is now.

yes life can be complicated. I will say I'm happy I signed up an account for here, you're a really great bunch of lads (oh no don't mention a certain ex comedy writer who's gone bananas and so on.

Romantic break ups suck don't they? Talking bout my ex partner here. I went through grief when he dumped me, and it was weird it was like grieving for a person who was still alive, a bereavement in which the person is not only still alive but wants nothing to do with you, that's really counter intuitive isn't it?

I hope I'tll get better as you say.

Man today really sucked! (what an understatement!)

[flotemysost]

So sorry to read all of this Luornu, that's hell of a lot to process. This isn't your fault at all; please try to be kind to yourself, I hope you're doing OK.

[Luornu]

I hope I will get better, thankyou. I left a message on his fb wall. why didnt i do that when he was here? so guilty.

you always think there will be time later,but time runs out. When will I ever learn? Too late now too late.

I could go behind his old bedroom door but he wont be there, only dust and relics. (the detritus of my life really, ancient videotapes of Coronation Street that my mum made in 1992, dusty boxes for old Sega Saturn games, old gaming magazines that I used to get cheap from the magazine stall at Kempton Park market, and I kept for some stupid reason. Gathering Dust, seeing the dawn and the dusk of each new day, unseeing.

I got out the photo album. Picture of my brothers the bad one and the good one with me in my pushchair, the photo is at a spot at a park near me. I could go to that spot in the park today (I don't think it's a good idea because of the Pitiless Sun Of Doom that's about rn) but if I were to go there, he won't be there

Life is so fragile and so brief. Our stories live for us for a time and then they are lost. I want to get it all back but it is dust

[Glebe]

Sorry if this is horribly glib-sounding advice but try and keep busy and treat yourself, whatever you really want out of life just go for it. Grief is fucking horrible and you have to be kind to yourself and try and enjoy life as best you can, you deserve it.

[Vodkafone]

I'm really sorry to hear all this Luornu, that's so much stuff to try to deal with. I'd echo what others have said, that you made your decisions at the time for completely understandable reasons. Recently, I've been learning (far too late in life really) that with most decisions there is no right or wrong, because we can't predict the future. All we can do is make the best decision we can at the time and not beat ourselves up with the baseball bat of hindsight later on.

I wonder if at some point it would be a good thing to get some therapy around the abuse. It seems very unfair that it's you that is carrying around the shit from that, and not the bad brother.

[Luornu]

I understand yes :) I should try to do that. Thing is things weren't great on my end already, so it's difficult..I'm completely alone, I don't know anyone, I know my next door neighbour slightly, I don't think I should lay something this heavy on him.

This is the what third time I have to go through something really bad alone? First when my ex dumped me, there was a fish and chip shop near us where the man who ran it well not to belabour the point with uneccessary baroque eloquence well his wife left him for another man he went mad. He lost all interest in the business. Most nights there might only be a cornish pasty or a solitary pie for sale. He went to pieces, he was a human puddle on the floor

And I didn't understand. I thought so his wife's left him that's sad but it's not that bad surely. I understood nothing. When someone who was your whole life suddenly tells you they don't love you and you're gone baby gone baby...I was so blithely ignorant about that. They be with you for a small lifetime and then they just fuck off. I could not imagine how it tears the heart out of your world, the ground moves below your feet like you're on a ship and all the colours drain out of the world

I had to go through that alone, no friends, I did try to talk to my brothers then, was difficult as I have already described. It was christmas time too, was looking at the blinking fairy lights across the road through the frosted glass of the front door I'd just go and stare at them, I'd make a special trip to the frosted glass to see the blinking lights blue yellow green red, reminded me of my childhood, a safer place

arsehole ex forbade me to put up decorations he hated christmas and was very forthcoming about that made me sad every year

Then I had go through my dog dying alone, the last connection between ex and me. Bad. Knew it was coming. Also inevitable. She was getting on in years and they can't stay with us forever

Then the thing that happened with that man that the police were involved with that I mentioned earlier. Had to go through that alone. Waking up in the middle of the night screaming. Hearing the angry voice of the woman next door complaining to her husband because she'd been woken up. I don't know what she said because it was in Hungarian but I imagine that was what she was saying.

Now this. Alone. It sucks

But you're right I'll try.

Yeah i've been thru some shit. There's a joke not a very good one, an old man lists all his health complaints, perforation of the spine, disintegration of the liver and at the end he goes 'and that's why they call me Lucky!


I told you it wasn't a very good joke. I hope you didn't expect anything good! :)

[greencalx]

Utmost sympathies. However, it turns out there's a bunch of bald, phimotic, failed comedy writers at the end of the internet, so you're never totally alone, even if that may be of limited comfort.

On more practical matters, if I've read your posts right it sounds like you are living in the familial home. That should make things a lot easier with the solicitors, as you ought to be able to document your kinship to the deceased without a passport. (Sorry for the technical language, not meant to sound unfeeling). I also think it should be sufficient to register a claim on the estate to get them to look harder for a will.

[Luornu]

oh

Utmost sympathies. However, it turns out there's a bunch of bald, phimotic, failed comedy writers at the end of the internet, so you're never totally alone, even if that may be of limited comfort.

On more practical matters, if I've read your posts right it sounds like you are living in the familial home. That should make things a lot easier with the solicitors, as you ought to be able to document your kinship to the deceased without a passport. (Sorry for the technical language, not meant to sound unfeeling). I also think it should be sufficient to register a claim on the estate to get them to look harder for a will.

Oh no worries about the technical language! The preciseness of it is almost kind of comforting. That is very useful information to know! I'm hoping I will be able to contact my support person on Monday (here's hoping) and we can get something moving in that direction. Yes I am indeed still in the familial home.

Very odd, they say you can't go home again and yet I never left. But it's still true, I never left home but still I can't go home again. My home that was with my parents and my brothers it's gone and will never return, the physical building is still here but the love is gone

I feel very sad.

[Luornu]

Oh I should say I'm grateful for all the bald phimotic failed comedy writers! Failure better than bananas y/n?

I'm doing better for a bit but then I remember again. When I picked up the letter and saw who it was from I thought that it was the solicitors responding to my support person's inquiries about my Parents' will the legal ramifications of which we had been talking recently

So when I saw what it said at the top of the page I think I let out a wounded animal noise that would have been worthy of the finest third rate soap opera I cried out his name the whole thing and then I was aware that I spluttered out 'why would you die intestate you were a solicitor for god's sake about six or seven times. Like that would make any difference.

Oh we are lost
The light that guided us is dimmed
the gate through which i cannot pass
a seperation at the last
we are all lost,my friends
all lost

[bgmnts]

Oh yeah btw therapist for this I think? Sounds like this is definitely counsellor material.

[Luornu]

my social worker referred me to some nhs thing where you do a chat room thing. Haven't heard back from them. Well knowing the nhs as I do I may not at all.

I did have a counsellor that was referred to me by the centre that processed me (that sounds awful but I can't think of a better word) after the incident with that man that I mentioned earlier. She was very good but it was only for 8 weeks. I'm glad I got to talk to her.

But these things only ever seem to be for a limited time. Wish I could have talked to her for longer. Shame I can't afford to go private.

[Luornu]

Well I got an fb message back from the lib dem guy in slough. Turns out he doesn't know anything, hadn't seen him for about four years. Expected as much. The slough lib dems were informed of his death in may-june so either one or two months ago?

Looking at the photo album,now it's the only place where he is. Photos of me as a baby with the other brother. We were happy. We were happy then. The house looks so tidy then, it's a tip now. It's derelict like my heart.

We were happy then

I feel bad for 'bad brother' as well. Now he's all alone. I know he must hate me now. I probably ruined his life. my shitty ex pressurised me into telling and it was because I was genuinely afraid for my life. I still love him though.

Just despair so much despair

[Vodkafone]

I feel bad for 'bad brother' as well. Now he's all alone. I know he must hate me now. I probably ruined his life. my shitty ex pressurised me into telling and it was because I was genuinely afraid for my life. I still love him though.

Just despair so much despair

Unless they are in the grip of psychosis, abusers are always the ones responsible for their abuse, not the people they abuse. But abusers (and I've known a good number, in professional capacities) are incredibly skilled at inverting that so that the people they abuse feel like it's all their fault. If pulling off that trick were the key skill in running a FTSE-100 company, these people would all be CEOs on £millions per year, they really are incredibly good at it.

[Luornu]

I hear you, I really do. But it's one thing to say this in abstract, but he is my brother, he is about my only living relative left, apart from more distant ones. In my delerium I was even wondering if I should try and talk to him. But no I know that's a bad idea. I feel so guilty. I bet there was only my other brother at the funeral. My brother (my good one) he deserved better.

I should have been there with him. If my ex hadn't pressurised me into telling and my being angry with him when he came to stay, I was angry at him because him coming to stay was a large part of why my ex was breaking up with me, ex had all that massive anxiety that expressed itself as anger (he took it out on me and he discouraged me from meeting my family too because he hated his own family and it was a mess and I feel so guilty )and part of that was worrying about my parents' will and about how he couldn't have the house and...when r. (bad brother) came to stay he was putting it all into my head about how he was taking advantage of me and all that and I was so angry because r was the reason soon to be ex was leaving me and

If I had never met that man (ex) I would have stayed on good terms with my brothers, I would have been with my oldest brother at the end. He wouldn't have been so alone. I will bear this guilt for the rest of my life.

I looked at the old photographs. There is a photo of me as a baby in my pushchair with my 'bad brother' he is 13, so not an adult as I remember him. We are at some cricket ground, it would have been a sunday, dad always did the cricket on sundays. I look like I am happy I'm waving, he's kneeling beside my pushchair he's smiling

I love my brother despite what he would later do. The innocence and simple happiness in that photo. All destroyed now all poisoned.

We were a normal family. There were six of us. There was. The house looked so much tidier then.

Sorry to be so lachrymose, I know it's not really CAB material but forgive me 'cos I'm in a strange place mentally rn,

It might be better if I said 'bollocks' in a winsomely comedic fashion

Bollocks, (innit)

[Luornu]

okay probably going to wrap this thread up now. Thankyou for your condolences. I'm sorry this thread was so harrowing and heavy. I'm working on healing (I know that sounds horridly Californian) I reached out to my old friend in America who has been ill and I was afraid he might have died and I didn't want to make the same mistake again and he has written back and he's still alive.

Well lets now try to end this thread on a more positive note. I'm going to try to move forward though my step might be weak and faltering sometimes. I've followed the advice earlier in this thread and I bought a cake (Jamaican ginger cake, reminds me of the 70s and my childhood well maybe it's not good to hark to the past but it was about the only cake left in the shop-don't know if everyone's been buying things in a bout of extreme heatwave based panic buying or the pitiless drought sun destroyed the refridgerators or what but the shelves were nearly empty, it was like stock footage of life in the Soviet Union.

So I've got some cake and some custard and some pepsi, it's going to be a bit quiet and I might wobble emotionally a bit but I'm making an effort

So I will end this by saying what I said earlier-lets trust in hope. And it is the best thing we have, thanks for listening

[Glebe]

Lotsa love and hugs Luornu. Hope you enjoyed that cake!

[Vodkafone]

All the best to you Luornu. Jamaican ginger cake + custard sounds great to be honest