Cook'd and Bomb'd

Forums => Comedy Chat => Topic started by: pancreas on March 08, 2019, 11:09:30 PM

Title: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: pancreas on March 08, 2019, 11:09:30 PM
Various cheese-based jokes this eve like: What does a cheese say when it sees itself in the mirror? HALLOU-MI.

Which is naff. So I made up a much worse one.

I met a man who counts swamps in Cambridgeshire made of cheese.









It was a Brie Fen Counter.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pseudopath on March 08, 2019, 11:54:46 PM
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing some kittens."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest...but I guess that would explain the suitcase."
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Bennett Brauer on March 09, 2019, 12:04:17 AM
There was a jokes thread a few weeks ago in Picture Box, but it never seems to be clear whether the thread is for jokes you've made up or old jokes you've seen elsewhere.

There's almost always someone else on the net who's come up with your idea even if you've just thought of it. Already every joke in this thread has been done before, and who are you calling a miserable bastard?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth on March 09, 2019, 12:44:45 AM
We've all heard of jumping beans, but I've just created fighting olives. It happened when I pitted them against each other.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: pancreas on March 09, 2019, 01:19:15 AM
Already every joke in this thread has been done before, and who are you calling a miserable bastard?

Of course you're right:

https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/RationalWiki:Articles_for_deletion/Fun:Stilton_cheese

at the bottom.

Mine was better.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Mr Banlon on March 09, 2019, 01:31:05 AM
I once saw Angela Lansbury in an antiques shop in Portobello Rd.
They wanted £60 for her.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: pancreas on March 09, 2019, 01:34:54 AM
I did once tell a maths joke that I'd just made up in a lecture I think I might have told that story on here before. It was my greatest moment. And I reckon definitely new.

Fuck it. I'll say.

In category theory everything is loads of arrows connecting points. Reversing the arrow gives you a 'co'- version so a limit become a co-limit etc.

The lecturer had just introduced ends, justifying why they exist in certain situations. Then she pointed out that there is a dual version of the situation and just reverse the arrows for the justification.

'Are you saying that the co-means justify the co-ends?'

The fucking geeks couldn't contain themselves. Rolling in the floor. A win for pancreas.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Bennett Brauer on March 09, 2019, 01:58:21 AM
You should have started the thread with that one. (Although your bries summer did make me feel fine.)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 09, 2019, 03:59:46 AM

In category theory everything is loads of arrows connecting points. Reversing the arrow gives you a 'co'- version so a limit become a co-limit etc.

The lecturer had just introduced ends, justifying why they exist in certain situations. Then she pointed out that there is a dual version of the situation and just reverse the arrows for the justification.

'Are you saying that the co-means justify the co-ends?'

The fucking geeks couldn't contain themselves. Rolling in the floor. A win for pancreas.

Young Pancreas: “Professor, Professor! I made a funny, may I share it with the class?”
Fellow classmates: “That kid is getting his head flushed down the toilet at lunch time.”

Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on March 09, 2019, 05:47:41 AM
What do you call a bunch of leopards living in a church ?

A leap of faith.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 09, 2019, 06:04:18 AM
This joke was too old to me by my housemate’s rough wannabe hard-man boyfriend from Manchester in a very threatening fashion -

“What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.”

Moments later, he punched the doorknob off our front door.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: alan nagsworth on March 09, 2019, 02:12:15 PM
The best joke I ever made up was:

Did you hear about the perfume shop owner who won the lottery?

They had more money than scents.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: samadriel on March 09, 2019, 06:24:36 PM
Knock knock.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: bomb_dog on March 09, 2019, 06:26:27 PM
Go on then - who’s there?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: samadriel on March 09, 2019, 06:27:27 PM
Go on then - who’s there?

Go fuck yourself.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: bomb_dog on March 09, 2019, 06:29:37 PM
‘go fuck yourself’, who?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: samadriel on March 09, 2019, 06:36:57 PM
Hmm, I shall have to think on this further, methinks.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Special K on March 09, 2019, 06:38:39 PM
Here's one I made up recently...

My dentist has told me I'm somewhat of a mathematics whizz. He said I excel in calculus...
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: samadriel on March 09, 2019, 06:43:03 PM
You should make that "he said my calculus was remarkable", that way you avoid the awkward use of "excel" to mean "has lots of".
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thecuriousorange on March 09, 2019, 07:00:29 PM
We've all heard of jumping beans, but I've just created fighting olives. It happened when I pitted them against each other.

I've always enjoyed runner beans, but not beans that give me the runs!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: samadriel on March 09, 2019, 07:06:29 PM
Why do you say "thrillhou" when it's clearly "thrillho"?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: DrGreggles on March 10, 2019, 06:29:31 PM
I made up a joke a while ago, but I'm not sure if I ever posted it on here, so apologies if it's a repeat:

I ordered a steak in a native American restaurant the other day.
Waiter: "How would you like it cooked?"
Me: "Hello. Yes please."
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 10, 2019, 06:38:55 PM
Two Cervus camelopardalis Linnæus are standing by a puddle. The first one keeps taking a sip and spitting water at the other. After this happens a few times the second one turns to the first one as says "Why Giraffe to be so annoying all the time?"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Misspent Boners on March 10, 2019, 08:35:20 PM
How long would it take Graham Linehan to explain how many gender variants he thinks there should be?

Only 2 secs. 
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on March 10, 2019, 08:47:06 PM
I once knew a physics professor who was given the nickname Higgs...  because he thought he was god but the rest of us just though he was a bit of a particle.


Please PM me for an explanation on just how hilariously funny the above joke is.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Replies From View on March 10, 2019, 09:04:47 PM
Knock knock
Who's there
Just Said Who's there
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Replies From View on March 10, 2019, 09:05:13 PM
I once knew a physics professor who was given the nickname Higgs...  because he thought he was god but the rest of us just though he was a bit of a particle.


Please PM me for an explanation on just how hilariously funny the above joke is.

Is it because he was a FUCKING BOSON
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: studpuppet on March 10, 2019, 09:37:45 PM
I made up one in the nineties:

What do tampon ads and Picasso have in common?

Blue Periods (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnYPpwbbgEw)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: ToneLa on March 10, 2019, 09:45:04 PM
KNOCK FUCKIN KNOCK

WHO'S FUCKIN THERE

DOORBELL REPAIR MAN, RUDE CUNT
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: ToneLa on March 10, 2019, 09:49:11 PM
I, (guffaw) recently was in a vocal altercation (cradles his Stella Black pint glass) with a rather odious fellow who had a most noxious personality, namedropping people like, I shit you not, Michael Gove - said he was a literal millionaire "with no GCSEs bruv ", he called me "a nothing" so I fuckin, I thought and thought and half a second later I came out with this of which I am proud, though it probably means fuck-all without knowing it's embarassingly true

Me: "You've got the full set mate!"

"What the fuck are you on about?

"You've mentioned your karate, your money, and the car that you drive* - if your wife's an actress then you've got the Insecure Cunt Quadrilogy!"

.. One of those I need to adapt to, you know, fucking sense. But he shut the fuck up. Job. Done. But it would be nothing withoot the karate. And the fact I said "quadrilogy"




* an Audi, for anyone still on the fence
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Captain Z on March 10, 2019, 10:45:06 PM
What do you call a hungry parrot?

Polynomial
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Special K on March 10, 2019, 10:47:14 PM
I've just been made redundant from the skincare cream laboratory. They've given me my E45...
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: BeardFaceMan on March 11, 2019, 06:16:34 AM
I messed up trying to mould an apple into a banana, it went pear-shaped.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Prison Biscuits on March 11, 2019, 09:28:33 AM
Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor?

He kept telling couples to USE DIVORCE
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on March 11, 2019, 09:37:18 AM
My wife went on holiday to Bournemouth

In Dorset?

Yeah, she'd recommend it to anyone.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: poodlefaker on March 11, 2019, 10:15:40 AM
Johnny Cash, right, has married this woman of mesoamerican heritage, yeah? He's bonkers about her man, he'll do anything for her. Oh, and she owns a zoo like, a menagerie, but she canna get the staff like, to exercise the wild animals.  So Johnny Cash says to her "Because you're  Mayan, I walk the lion."
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on March 11, 2019, 12:38:28 PM
What do you call eight Hobbits?

A Hobbyte.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: zomgmouse on March 13, 2019, 04:34:45 AM
Here is a joke that came to me in a dream:

I have blood on my hands. I've killed...


... a mosquito...
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: The Lurker on March 13, 2019, 08:14:57 PM
I've just been made redundant from the skincare cream laboratory. They've given me my E45...

Stealing that one. Ta.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Nice Relaxing Poo on March 13, 2019, 08:26:06 PM
Stolen recently:

I've just been beaten up by 6 dwarves.


Not happy.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: McFlymo on March 14, 2019, 04:09:22 AM
Ancient one:

Why did Nivea Cream?

Because Max Factor.

......TAXI!!!!!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Utterdrivel on March 14, 2019, 10:30:51 AM
My wife went on holiday to Bournemouth

In Dorset?

Yeah, she'd recommend it to anyone.

Laughed
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on March 14, 2019, 12:29:23 PM
Thanks. These two are better.


My wife's gone to Alaska

Juneau?

Yeah, I drove her to the airport.




Do either you or your wife know where Anchorage is?

Alaska

Okay, let me know what she says.




but I've posted them before.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5TSiWi0oyw


Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Captain Z on March 14, 2019, 12:32:41 PM
Amber Rudd: A lady in my constituency has gone back to the Caribbean country where she was born

Jamaica?

AR: Yes
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on March 14, 2019, 12:39:18 PM
Amber Rudd: A lady in my constituency has gone back to the Caribbean country where she was born

Jamaica?

AR: Yes

Hats off.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: rasta-spouse on March 14, 2019, 12:42:51 PM
^^ good, that



q: What do you call the current Houses of Parliament full of Teddy Bears?

a: A wooly situation


Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Chollis on March 14, 2019, 12:43:03 PM
I got a job answering other people's phones. It wasn't for me.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Utter Shit on March 14, 2019, 12:44:21 PM
Years ago when I still lived at home, we had a problem with our upstairs shower leaking through little cracks where the bath attached to the wall. The guy who came round to fix it said we had two options - either add a glass panel which would prevent water from getting to it, or he could fill in the cracks with Polyfilla-style expanding foam.

I asked him which was the better option as I had no idea and, with a big shit-eating grin stretched across his big builder face, he said "foam is temporary, glass is permanent".

And that is hands down the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm sure he'd made the same joke a thousand times before in the same situation, but I don't care. It was brilliant.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Special K on March 14, 2019, 06:38:41 PM
I got a job answering other people's phones. It wasn't for me.

That's a good one!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: purlieu on March 15, 2019, 09:47:11 PM
How do you make flour out of bird seed?

Millet.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: big egg on March 15, 2019, 11:30:35 PM
I made up a joke a while ago, but I'm not sure if I ever posted it on here, so apologies if it's a repeat:

I ordered a steak in a native American restaurant the other day.
Waiter: "How would you like it cooked?"
Me: "Hello. Yes please."


Love that!

Joke by me:

I threw a surprise party for the Mona Lisa the other day. You should have seen her face, it was a picture.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pseudopath on March 16, 2019, 12:07:47 AM
Did you know that when pigeons have sex they die?
At least the one I just fucked did.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 16, 2019, 12:41:04 AM
Years ago when I still lived at home, we had a problem with our upstairs shower leaking through little cracks where the bath attached to the wall. The guy who came round to fix it said we had two options - either add a glass panel which would prevent water from getting to it, or he could fill in the cracks with Polyfilla-style expanding foam.

I asked him which was the better option as I had no idea and, with a big shit-eating grin stretched across his big builder face, he said "foam is temporary, glass is permanent".

And that is hands down the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm sure he'd made the same joke a thousand times before in the same situation, but I don't care. It was brilliant.

That’s quality
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: timebug on March 16, 2019, 09:43:08 AM
My racing snail was slowing down so I removed his shell to streamline him.
Trouble is, now he seems more sluggish...
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on March 16, 2019, 09:52:26 AM
One my friend made up when we were about 14 (word for word)


A woman walks into a hairdressers and sees her friend having her done by an elk

"Mary, what's going on?"

"Oh I just thought I'd try the new styling moose"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Captain Z on March 16, 2019, 04:42:27 PM
Years ago when I still lived at home, we had a problem with our upstairs shower leaking through little cracks where the bath attached to the wall. The guy who came round to fix it said we had two options - either add a glass panel which would prevent water from getting to it, or he could fill in the cracks with Polyfilla-style expanding foam.

I asked him which was the better option as I had no idea and, with a big shit-eating grin stretched across his big builder face, he said "foam is temporary, glass is permanent".

And that is hands down the funniest joke I have ever heard. I'm sure he'd made the same joke a thousand times before in the same situation, but I don't care. It was brilliant.

I don't get this.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Morrison Lard on March 16, 2019, 04:45:21 PM
form is temporary, class is permanent
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thecuriousorange on March 16, 2019, 04:55:39 PM
I looked into getting a personalised number plate for my car, but they're really expensive! So instead I'm just having my name changed by deed poll to R553 NJQ.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on March 16, 2019, 07:08:52 PM
I don't get this.

It’s a football truism - the sort of received knowledge that pundits rely on week in, week out. The aphorism applies to similarly-named shower insulation solutions also. Fantastic.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: kalowski on March 16, 2019, 08:10:52 PM
When I was 12 I made up this limerick. Always annoyed that I couldn't get the final line to properly scan.

There once was a fellow called Jim,
Who swallowed a packet of Vim,
When he went to the loo,
All he found he could do,
Was clean underneath the rim.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Sexton Brackets Drugbust on March 16, 2019, 08:55:12 PM
When I was 12 I made up this limerick. Always annoyed that I couldn't get the final line to properly scan.

There once was a fellow called Jim,
Who swallowed a packet of Vim,
When he went to the loo,
All he found he could do,
Was clean underneath the rim.

Was disinfect under the rim?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Morrison Lard on March 16, 2019, 09:27:33 PM
Was drink some more water you quim
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: DrGreggles on March 16, 2019, 09:52:01 PM
Bim bim bim bim bim bim bim bim
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: sick as a pike on March 16, 2019, 09:54:30 PM
Diminishing returns here, but:
I did one of those personality tests the other day- you know, like Myers-Briggs, where you get your results in the form of four letters.
Apparently I have a lot of drive- I'm a DVLA.
Apparently I'm rather flighty- I'm an RSPB.
Apparently I like living in the moment- I'm an ASAP.

...something about good communication... RSVP.

etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: kalowski on March 16, 2019, 10:46:54 PM
Was disinfect under the rim?
That's the best suggestion I've had. Adverts at the time said "clean under the rim" but your version scans better.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: zomgmouse on March 17, 2019, 09:25:41 PM
"clean it all under the rim"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Sexton Brackets Drugbust on March 17, 2019, 09:28:50 PM
“Was ensure he cleaned under the rim.”
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: purlieu on March 18, 2019, 05:08:19 PM
A friend and I came up with a David Cameron limerick, post-piggate.

There was a young lady called Sam
Who had the most glorious clam
David dove in
With a lip-licking grin
And said "it's almost as good as ham!"

My only other attempt at limericking was a bit tamer

There was a young man called Stu
Whose cat fell down the loo
Because of its hair
It got stuck there
And now it's covered in poo
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Replies From View on March 18, 2019, 06:07:08 PM
Knock knock

Who's there

Dunnup

Dunnup shit

Just said it!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: BeardFaceMan on March 18, 2019, 06:21:34 PM
I fucked my kids last night, I didn't think I'd enjoy it but by the end of the evening I really came into my own.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: V on March 18, 2019, 09:11:32 PM
What kind of cheese do you use to lure a grizzly out of a cave?

Camembert
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Voltan (Man of Steel) on March 19, 2019, 08:50:47 PM
But what type of cheese would you use to disguise a small horse?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Twit 2 on March 19, 2019, 10:33:55 PM
Primula
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pingers on March 19, 2019, 11:02:08 PM
Barnsley joke, which hinges on coal being pronounced 'coil' in a Barnsley accent (no, really):

A Barnsley man comes home to find his wife laid out on the kitchen floor, bleeding profusely from between her legs. He gets on the phone to the local doctor and outlines the problem. The doctor asks "Has she got t' coil in?"

"Has she fuck, she an't even got me tea"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: DrGreggles on March 20, 2019, 08:19:23 AM
Not a joke as such, but an exchange that just happened in Costa Coffee that demonstrated my incredible wit:

Costa bloke to Costa woman: "Can you take this over to that guy. Big coat, sitting down."
Me (overhearing and being hilarious): "Is he a Native American?"


Nothing. Fuck these people.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Voltan (Man of Steel) on March 20, 2019, 02:25:09 PM
Primula

That’s it. (I never understood that joke though). 
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Special K on March 20, 2019, 07:47:28 PM
Not a joke as such, but an exchange that just happened in Costa Coffee that demonstrated my incredible wit:

Costa bloke to Costa woman: "Can you take this over to that guy. Big coat, sitting down."
Me (overhearing and being hilarious): "Is he a Native American?"


Nothing. Fuck these people.

That is very funny. Buy yourself a coffee on me.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Special K on March 20, 2019, 07:52:13 PM
What do you call a part African American part Irish rapper, singer, songwriter, DJ, record producer, voice actor and philanthropist?

will.so.I.am
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: ElTwopo on March 20, 2019, 09:13:18 PM
I signed up to a new streaming site yesterday, but it turns out that all you can watch are episodes of 'Allo 'Allo!

Needless to say, I won't be keeping my subscription to Herrflix after the free trial ends.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Mr Banlon on March 20, 2019, 09:19:01 PM
What does constable Seamus O'Goldstein say when he nicks someone ?
"Irish Jew in the name of the law !"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gregory Torso on March 20, 2019, 09:23:02 PM
I almost had a joke about someone maybe an old man, confusing a strippergram with a mammogram, but that was as far as I got, mybe someone else can do it.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: bgmnts on March 20, 2019, 09:38:56 PM
Where does a sex addict go to buy his powertools?

Screwfix.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pseudopath on March 20, 2019, 09:57:11 PM
Where does a sex addict go to buy his powertools?

Screwfix.

Not to be confused with the abortion clinic.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Former on March 21, 2019, 08:18:26 PM
Why shouldn't you go to a hardsports orgy with 287 other people?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: ElTwopo on March 21, 2019, 08:43:30 PM
Does anyone remember cherryade? That massive concert to raise money for cherries? What were all that about!?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Crabwalk on March 23, 2019, 03:30:48 PM
Like with most musicians, Don Letts’s first group was BAD.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Crabwalk on March 23, 2019, 03:38:17 PM
When Blur split up, one of its members went on to form the supergroup ‘The Bad, The Bad & The Bad’.

(https://i.guim.co.uk/img/static/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2015/1/8/1420737286559/3b0acaa6-cd8e-4e72-b511-80e8e62dcd73-2060x1236.jpeg?width=700&quality=85&auto=format&fit=max&s=910fd49aa2abaa44c8f7558ef8f5c80f)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gulftastic on April 01, 2019, 06:42:59 PM
On Saturday, I entered a draw to win a St Bernard dog.

I won and was given two of them!

Turned out this week was a rollover Beethoven.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Mr Banlon on April 01, 2019, 06:51:08 PM
What was Red Robbo's favourite Burt Reynolds series ?
BL Stryker.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Terryfuckwit on April 01, 2019, 09:11:20 PM
The Catholic Church will never accept anal penetration officially as sexual intercourse.

Because this would mean Mary was technically not a virgin.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Crabwalk on April 02, 2019, 01:27:17 AM
Apparently there’s a corridor in the ‘New York City High School for the Performing Arts’ that’s full of memorabilia for Bill Haley, Chuck Berry and Buddy Holly.

That’s right, it’s ‘the Fame Hall of Rock’n’Roll’, you dweebs.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: H-O-W-L on April 02, 2019, 02:46:00 AM
Garlic Bread????
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Crabwalk on April 02, 2019, 06:58:01 AM
Hey dweebs, why are twins not allowed to work in fruit processing factories?

That’s right, it’s because they always cum in pears.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Twit 2 on April 02, 2019, 06:01:18 PM
I was reading about the Indian guru Dedattha Syeen. He was pronounced ‘Dead at the Scene’.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Bennett Brauer on April 04, 2019, 12:50:04 AM
How do socially pretentious goths greet each other at parties?

"Noir! Noir!"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: DrGreggles on April 04, 2019, 07:14:45 AM
It's Grand National weekend, so I had a go on the sweep in the pub last night.
If I'm a good boy they're going to let me play with sooty tonight.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Bennett Brauer on April 06, 2019, 12:59:27 AM
Why did Lenny Henry's kitten suddenly scratch him?

Cat anger, my friend.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Ray Travez on April 15, 2019, 02:42:08 AM
my army sergeant told me to stick a masonry bit up my arse.
I asked him why?
He said "it's just part of the drill"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Dogbeard on April 15, 2019, 11:53:38 AM
I had to do a urine test one time when I had a brief stay in the Priory for depression, and they wanted to check people weren't doing any drugs. I was given a little pot for it. I was discussing it in the common room with some of the other mentals and in the course of this someone playfully took the pot and threw it across the room. Seizing the opportunity I said, "now I don't have a pot to piss in!". These chances don't come along often.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on April 15, 2019, 12:03:48 PM
...check people weren't doing any drugs. I was given a little pot...

Very irresponsible
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Dogbeard on April 15, 2019, 12:11:34 PM
Very irresponsible

You think that's bad. You should have seen all the pills and stuff they had - and they would actually hand them out to people each day too. Outrageous.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: zomgmouse on April 16, 2019, 04:58:18 AM
Have you noticed how mucus proudly floats on water?

It's phlegm buoyant.




Please follow me on Twitter

Like share subscribe for more content

Sent from Samsung Galaxy S8
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 16, 2019, 12:45:27 PM
What is a very high waterfall's favourite hip hop group?

Niagaras With Altitude.

Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: pancreas on April 17, 2019, 02:12:31 AM
What do lonely Chinese men do?

They go out and they get some ho fun.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Dusty Substance on April 17, 2019, 05:29:04 AM

What's big, white and furry and goes up and down?

A bipolar bear.

Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 22, 2019, 04:36:21 PM
What is a deer's favourite Velvet Underground song?

Venison Furs.



you fucker
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: PlanktonSideburns on April 22, 2019, 11:43:36 PM
Did she go by her own accord?

No we took a train and booked a rental car when we got there



Can't be arsed to write a start for that one. I offer it up for parts/repair
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: sponk on May 22, 2019, 10:41:42 PM
Did you know that Canada's current Prime Minister is the son of a former Canadian Prime Minister who shares his surname?

Is it Trudeau?

Yes it is true.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Snake Plissken on May 22, 2019, 10:54:59 PM
'Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap' I asked my boss. 'Just pop in the corner' he said. It took me three hours.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Bennett Brauer on May 22, 2019, 11:41:27 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/K69KlJl.jpg)  (https://i.imgur.com/iKI43dB.png)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: sponk on May 28, 2019, 02:20:14 PM
What did the man in prison say to his wife when he told her about his plan to escape prison by mailing himself home in a brown padded envelope?

I'll be back in a jiffy
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: BeardFaceMan on May 28, 2019, 03:20:47 PM
What do you call a Mexican woman who does fanny farts? Queef Latina.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: sponk on May 28, 2019, 04:52:02 PM
I think I'm unqualified for the demanding nature of my new job doing tattoos of the Nike logo on testicles in Latvia. I'm in a right ball tick state.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Bennett Brauer on May 28, 2019, 06:44:01 PM
What do you call a Mexican woman who does fanny farts? Queef Latina.

Tina Fey wants a word.

(https://imgur.com/D4OTFC2.jpg)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gulftastic on June 20, 2019, 08:50:54 PM
Why does Captain Nemo never get any Xmas presents?

Because he's always on the Nautilis (naughty list)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: zomgmouse on June 21, 2019, 01:36:54 PM
Beethoven's house was for rent so I applied fur elise
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on June 21, 2019, 06:53:53 PM
Are you any good with binary?

Hmmm..... on and off.

Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: sponk on July 01, 2019, 09:31:19 PM
Why did Keith Chegwin and his wife give up alcohol?

Cos Cheggers' can't be boozers
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Mr Banlon on July 01, 2019, 09:55:37 PM
What is a deer's favourite Velvet Underground song?

Venison Furs.



you fucker
It's 'I'm Waiting For My Man'

Hey, white boy, what you doin' uptown?
Hey, white boy, you chasin' our women around?
Oh pardon me sir, it's the furthest from my mind
I'm just lookin' for a dear, deer friend of mine
I'm waiting for my man
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: zomgmouse on July 03, 2019, 06:35:25 AM
Edith Piaf liked most British New Wave bands, but... no Duran Duran
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: easytarget on July 09, 2019, 04:05:13 AM
My wife's gone to that St. Mary town in Devon.

Ottery?

Yes, I am telling you the truth.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gulftastic on July 10, 2019, 02:50:12 PM
What do you get if you put Ringo Starr in a blender?

Beatlejuice.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: JesusAndYourBush on July 11, 2019, 03:08:07 AM
This thread needs some nun jokes...

Two nuns in a bath. One says "where's the soap?". The other says "yes it does rather".

   Two nuns cycling down a cobbled
   street.  One says to the other "I've
   never come this way before".

There was a power cut at the convent.
"Candles out, girls!" said the Mother Superior.
*SLURP*

A nun was in the bath,  There was a knock on the door.  "Who is it?" said the nun.
"It's the blind man." said a voice.  The nun thought for a moment then said "Come in."
Bloke comes in.  "Nice tits!" he says, "Where do you want me to hang this blind."


Any more nun jokes to add?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: zomgmouse on July 11, 2019, 04:50:40 AM
Sister Mary could drink anyone under the table. She was the best bar nun.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: timebug on July 11, 2019, 10:07:06 AM
Flashback sixties joke:
Two hippies walking down the road and they encounter a nun with her arm in plaster and a sling.
'Hey Nun,Man!' says one 'What happened to you?'
' I slipped on the soap in the shower' she replied before moving on.
'What's soap,man?' asked one hippy.
'I dunno man, I'm not a fucking Catholic' was the reply
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: kalowski on July 11, 2019, 04:52:17 PM
This thread needs some nun jokes...

Any more nun jokes to add?
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water. St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger." St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven. St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?" The second nun replies hesitantly, "Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand." St. Peter smiles and says, "Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven. At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, "Listen, I better go next because I'm not gurgling that shit after she sticks her arse in it."
----
A hippy notices a beautiful nun sitting near him on the bus, and asks her out. The nun declines. Then he says, "If you won't go out with me, can I at least just have sex you?" Of course the nun says "No!", then she gets off the bus. The bus driver notices the hippy's disappointment, so he leans over and says, "You really want that nun, eh?" The hippy nods enthusiastically. "Well" says the bus driver, "every Monday at 6pm she takes this bus to the cemetery and prays for an hour. You could be there ..." The hippy gets excited and soon has a plan. Next Monday he waits at the cemetery, and sure enough at 6pm the nun enters. He quietly follows until she stops by a grave and begins to pray. The hippy dons a flowing robe and a fake beard from his bag, then catches her attention and steps towards her. "My child" he says softly, "it is I, your Lord. For your faith I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience." The nun gasps, "Oh. Okay, but can you take me from behind? I could still consider myself a virgin, and I cherish my celibacy." The eager hippy agrees and the two have anal sex until both are satisfied. After they are done, the hippy pulls off the mask and shouts ... "Aha! I am the hippy!" to which the nun responds by taking of her mask and shouting "Aha! I am the bus driver!"
----
As they're in the car, each time the Priest goes to switch gears, he rests his hand on the nuns knee. The nun looks up at the priest and says "Father, remember Luke 14 10." The priest moves his hand away, embarrassed. The next time they stop at a light, he places his hand a little higher on her leg. Once again, the nun says "Remember Luke 14 10, father." The priest apologizes, "The flesh is weak" he says.
The priest drops the nun off, and when he gets home, he reaches for his bible and flips to Luke 14 10, which says "Friend, come up higher. Then shalt thou have glory."
----
There were three nuns driving down a highway one day when they lost control of their car and plunged off a cliff. They awoke and found themselves standing before the pearly gates. St. Peter walked toward them and, after greeting them, told them that they would have to answer one question each before they were admitted to the kingdom of heaven. This made the nuns very nervous. They had never heard of this requirement before. Finally, one nun stepped forward and said, "St. Peter, I'm ready for my question." St. Peter replied, "Your question is: Who was the first man on earth?" The nun breathed a huge sigh of relief, and said, "Why, it was Adam."

(And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)

This was a cause of great relief to the remaining nuns. The second stepped forward without hesitation. St. Peter said, "And you must tell me who the first woman on earth was." Another great sigh of relief, "Eve" the nun replied.

(And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)

The third was brimming with excitement. "I'm ready St. Peter!" St. Peter said, "All right, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun was shocked. "My goodness, that's a hard one."

(And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gulftastic on July 18, 2019, 10:59:51 AM
Which disappeared first? Finding porn in bushes, or finding bushes in porn?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: zomgmouse on July 18, 2019, 11:16:28 AM
WHEN WELSH PEOPLE ORGASM DO THEY SAY "I'M CYMMING"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: notjosh on August 25, 2019, 11:49:12 AM
Out of all the records in the record shop, the Mickey & Sylvia one was the only one I couldn't afford.

That's right, it was Dearest.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: C_Larence on December 14, 2019, 05:21:54 AM
Why didn't the nihilist philosopher ever clean his room?

Because Nietzche abhors a vacuum.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gregory Torso on April 04, 2020, 09:49:50 PM
If I find out you're a necrophiliac, you're fucking dead.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gulftastic on June 28, 2020, 03:44:01 PM
I'm an expert in tea based martial arts.

I've got a black belt in Thai-Phoo
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Marner and Me on June 28, 2020, 05:18:48 PM
Probably zero taste in this one:

Adolf Hitler dies and he goes to the pearly gates St Pete is on the doors, he recognises who it is and says "you're not coming in" Adolf is pleading and protesting, saying he did wonders for the German economy and the manufacturing industry, this sways St Peter so he says "let me speak to my supervisor" Two minutes later and Jesus comes. down. Instantly Jesus says "Him, no way he isn't coming in. You know what he did, he isn't coming in" Hearing this Adolf asks Jesus for a quiet word, and he pulls out an Iron Cross to give to Jesus as a bribe. Jesus says "let me have a word with dad, I'll be back in five" Anyway Jesus goes up and knocks on Gods office "come in" Jesus enters and regales the story, God listens with intent and has a think and a wonder and after a few minutes of deliberation replies with "An iron cross! You couldn't carry a wooden one"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on June 29, 2020, 10:58:54 AM
Two nuns in the bath, one says "where's the soap", the other replies "yes it does, doesn't it"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on June 29, 2020, 11:00:24 AM
I recently took up flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality.

Reckon I might be flogging a dead horse.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Twonty Gostelow on June 29, 2020, 11:08:06 AM
Did you write those two yourself? They're very good.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on June 29, 2020, 11:15:17 AM
Did you write those two yourself? They're very good.

One was inspired by the saying, the other is a long remembered playground gag.

BTW I was at a zoo the other day, all they had was a dog.

It was a Shit Zoo.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on June 29, 2020, 11:17:50 AM
Doctor I find myself unable to pronounce words beginning with the letters F or T.

Well you can't say fairer than that then.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: BeardFaceMan on June 29, 2020, 11:20:11 AM
I'm not very good at maths but I know how to do addition and subtraction, more or less.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on June 29, 2020, 11:22:18 AM
Please be on the lookout for the notorious Cowboy Brown Paper Pete.

Wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper chaps, brown paper boots and rides a brown paper horse.

He is wanted for rustling.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Twonty Gostelow on June 29, 2020, 11:53:37 AM
A Romany woman knocks on a Yorkshireman's door and asks him if he'll buy some clothes pegs from her. "No ta, I got some online," he replies to this forum's very amusement.

Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on June 29, 2020, 01:23:27 PM
Out of all the records in the record shop, the Mickey & Sylvia one was the only one I couldn't afford.

That's right, it was Dearest.

Why is that cake £10, but this cake is £5, when they're both the same size.
That's Madeira cake.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Fr.Bigley on June 29, 2020, 01:49:55 PM
People who sell meat are disgusting, But people who sell vegetables are grocer.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: BeardFaceMan on June 29, 2020, 02:06:47 PM
Jokes about food are corny, jokes about eyes are cornea.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Fr.Bigley on June 29, 2020, 02:10:37 PM
A Horse walks into a bar, Bar keeper asks: "why the long face?". "Metastatic cancer" replied the horse.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: monkfromhavana on June 29, 2020, 03:12:22 PM
"Doctor Doctor, I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass Of Home"
"Ahh you have Tom Jones Syndrome".
"is it common?"
"It's not unusual"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on June 29, 2020, 03:31:21 PM
Did you hear about the man with 5 cocks?
His pants fitted him like a glove.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Fr.Bigley on June 29, 2020, 05:16:02 PM
*One I came up with on lunch break.

I was beaten at chess by a bird of paradise...Toucan play that game.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gurke and Hare on June 29, 2020, 06:00:24 PM
Can it be a while until the next time we have a jokes thread?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Fr.Bigley on June 29, 2020, 08:41:19 PM
Can it be a while until the next time we have a jokes thread?

Bump
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: non capisco on June 29, 2020, 09:11:22 PM
This coronavirus is causing a lot of job losses but I bet the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together!!!!

Here, CaB. I bought my dad a new fridge for his birthday. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!!!

What do you get if you cross....no, not what if you cross....he's made me forget the joke, ladies and gentlemen. Pack it in, you!!!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Twonty Gostelow on June 29, 2020, 09:52:08 PM
Can it be a while until the next time we have a jokes thread?
Can't we just ban the posters who aren't making their own jokes up?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Twonty Gostelow on June 29, 2020, 09:54:37 PM
PATIENT: Doctor, doctor, I think I may have rhotacism.

GP: Open your mouth and say R.

CaB: Fuck off, Gostelow.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on June 30, 2020, 11:33:35 AM
I've probably already mentioned these, but the 2 jokes I genuinely think I made up are as follows :

1) Remember that Irish racehorse that got horse-napped? I thought I'd found him the other day, but on closer inspection I saw it was just a model fashioned from garlic. Cloves, but no Shergar.
2) It was so cold this morning I had to scrape the windscreen of my car, as did my neighbour, the Grim Reaper. Yes, I was de-icing with Death.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thelittlemango on June 30, 2020, 12:18:33 PM
A proboscis monkey walks into a bar, the barman says "why the schlong face?".
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Fr.Bigley on June 30, 2020, 12:26:32 PM
A group of owls commited suicide in the house of commons....it was a hung parliament.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Twonty Gostelow on July 26, 2020, 02:06:23 PM
I went to that hipster Cereal Killer café the other day even though it isn't open because of the virus.

"A bowl of Bran Flakes and a large coffee please."
"Do you want that to go?"
"No, I just like the taste."

They can't stop us laughing, folks!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thecuriousorange on July 26, 2020, 09:56:35 PM
Prince Philip is 99 years old. I wonder if his wife will send him a telegram next year.



If he lives until next June and actually reaches 100, expect versions of this joke on Twitter/Have I Got News For You etc.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on July 26, 2020, 10:32:27 PM
I went out with a woman who checked and fixed the cabs on cranes. I had to split up with her though, she was high maintenance.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on July 26, 2020, 10:49:59 PM
A lorry carrying jelly has collided with a lorry carrying custard on the M1 near J13.

Police say motorists in the area will be a trifle delayed. 
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on July 26, 2020, 10:56:47 PM
A hundred jump leads were shoplifted from Halfords in Luton yesterday.

Police say a man has been charged.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on July 26, 2020, 11:01:57 PM
The glue factory in Dunstable has suffered a major leak overnight.

Police suggest people should stick to the local area.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on July 26, 2020, 11:11:52 PM
Thieves in Bedford have stolen three lorries loaded with eggs, milk and sugar overnight.

Police say they expect to have suspects in custody soon.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on July 26, 2020, 11:23:57 PM
A tanker loaded with phenidone has overturned on the M1 near J14.

Police say they should have a clearer picture as things develop.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Norton Canes on July 27, 2020, 01:48:38 PM
I see they're making a new series about a cartoon family in Springfield that's been infected with coronavirus.

It's called The Symptoms
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Voltan (Man of Steel) on July 28, 2020, 02:27:24 PM
“I’d like to return this walking/talking toy robot please.”
“Why’s that then?”
“It goes without saying.”
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pseudopath on July 28, 2020, 04:36:14 PM
What's the spiritual medium out of Poltergeist's favourite style of curry?

KERALAN!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Twonty Gostelow on July 28, 2020, 08:11:46 PM
Just heard that Mark Lawrenson's going to be presenting a new satirical show on BBC2. It's called The Nine O'Clock News Not.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on July 28, 2020, 08:14:34 PM
Just heard that Mark Lawrenson's going to be presenting a new satirical show on BBC2. It's called The Nine O'Clock News Not.

I don't get it.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: rack and peanut on July 30, 2020, 01:59:10 PM
Where does a mammoth go to fix it's wonky tusks?

The mastodontist
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on July 30, 2020, 02:12:41 PM
I STILL DON'T GET THAT FUCKING MARK LAWRENSON JOKE, YA SHITTERS.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: kalowski on July 31, 2020, 09:08:32 AM
I STILL DON'T GET THAT FUCKING MARK LAWRENSON JOKE, YA SHITTERS.
Just heard that Wayne and Garth are going to be presenting a new satirical show on BBC2. It's called The Nine O'Clock News Not
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tony Tony Tony on July 31, 2020, 04:06:45 PM
I STILL DON'T GET THAT FUCKING MARK LAWRENSON JOKE, YA SHITTERS.

BBC 4 are showing repeats of Pete and Dud at 9 O'Clock each evening. Its called The Nine O'Clock News Not Only But Also.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Rizla on August 01, 2020, 07:32:25 PM
Russel Crowe new film is about a happy cannibal who Only preys on women. It’s called “glad he ate her” Cheers guys
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Voltan (Man of Steel) on August 01, 2020, 07:45:14 PM
It’s uncanny isn’t it?
What is?
This bottle!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gulftastic on August 01, 2020, 08:06:23 PM
My Doctor told me I had to take tablets three times a day. It's lucky the security in my local PC World is shit.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on August 02, 2020, 12:55:38 AM
This is a friend's, not mine. Wish it was.:

There's a basin at the front door. Let that sink in.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Annie Labuntur on August 02, 2020, 01:31:53 AM
This is a friend's, not mine. Wish it was.:

There's a basin at the front door. Let that sink in.

Probably not your friend's either.

(https://i.imgur.com/BPSTOV6.png)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thenoise on August 02, 2020, 07:33:49 AM
my dogs got no bum
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: samadriel on August 02, 2020, 08:37:46 AM
Really?  How does it shit?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thenoise on August 02, 2020, 08:58:25 AM
yeah
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: kalowski on August 02, 2020, 10:06:15 AM
Probably not your friend's either.

(https://i.imgur.com/BPSTOV6.png)
Hmm I may investigate the other 46 "best sink jokes"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thenoise on August 02, 2020, 01:35:20 PM
My sink joined a 90s boyband that's right NSINK

My neighbour and I happened to be washing our hands at the same time - we were perfectly IN SINK with each other!

Wow that sink is so sexy. I would TAP THAT.

Is it time to PULL THE PLUG on these shitty sink jokes?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: The Mollusk on August 02, 2020, 02:51:08 PM
Today my wife insinuated that I’m obsessed with sinks. I said “WATER you BASIN those accusations on?”
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: The Mollusk on August 02, 2020, 02:58:14 PM
I’ve come up with a pretty decent joke recently but I’m having trouble tying it together:

Did you hear about the werewolf newsreader who was shot dead live on air?

There was a special bulletin! (Bullet in - silver bullet gag)

It doesn’t flow well enough though, since if you excuse the pun, the punchline isn’t really a warranted reply to the question. Similarly you can’t say “It was during a special bulletin” because that renders the pun invalid. Anyone care to help flesh out what could potentially be the greatest joke of all time?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thenoise on August 02, 2020, 05:26:12 PM
A man turned into wolf on the news

Werewolf?

ON THE NEWS
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Captain Z on August 02, 2020, 05:37:11 PM
I’ve come up with a pretty decent joke recently but I’m having trouble tying it together:

Did you hear about the werewolf newsreader who was shot dead live on air?

There was a special bulletin! (Bullet in - silver bullet gag)

It doesn’t flow well enough though, since if you excuse the pun, the punchline isn’t really a warranted reply to the question. Similarly you can’t say “It was during a special bulletin” because that renders the pun invalid. Anyone care to help flesh out what could potentially be the greatest joke of all time?

How did the TV crew kill the werewolf newsreader?

They had a gun with a special bulletin

?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: The Mollusk on August 02, 2020, 05:40:18 PM
I had considered bringing the word “gun” into it as well but it still doesn’t quite scan!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on August 02, 2020, 06:08:20 PM
I made up a pretty good werewolf joke a while back.

Q: Who wrote " To The Lycanthrope"?
A: Why, Virginia Werewoolf, of course!

I remember telling this top gag to the author Tim Parks, and him guessing the punchline almost immediately, the smararse former EFL Teacher Tim Vine lookalike cunt.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Angrew Lloyg Wegger on August 04, 2020, 12:28:05 AM
Which actor has appeared in both Lord of the Rings and The Sopranos?

James GANDALFini
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Hand Solo on August 04, 2020, 12:44:19 AM
Virginia Werewoolf

The Virginia Werewolf was an actual murder case (https://eu.floridatoday.com/story/news/nation/2019/03/28/virginia-werewolf-murder-case-judge-declares-mistrial/3307860002/).
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on August 04, 2020, 03:25:56 PM
This is a friend's, not mine. Wish it was.:

There's a basin at the front door. Let that sink in.

Brilliant!

Who wrote the pop song Driving Away From Home?
It's Immaterial.
Well it maybe to you, but it's driving me nuts!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead on August 05, 2020, 05:31:45 AM
I've been workshopping this for months woke up this morning with this, uh, snappy one-liner almost fully-formed. And I had to share the pain with someone.

In light of social distancing restrictions on eateries, and the growing trend towards flexitarian lifestyles, I'm sure you're all as excited as I am that Scrimshaw's - my local abattoir - have unveiled a radical new direction. They'll be offering healthy vegan meals delivered direct to your door. First item on the trial menu is a tempting dish of shredded cabbage in a tangy sauce. So join me in wishing goodbye and good riddance to Scrimshaw's Abattoir, and let's bid a warm welcome to Scrimshaw's exciting new Slaw to House operation.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on August 05, 2020, 09:04:08 AM
I've been workshopping this for months woke up this morning with this, uh, snappy one-liner almost fully-formed. And I had to share the pain with someone.

In light of social distancing restrictions on eateries, and the growing trend towards flexitarian lifestyles, I'm sure you're all as excited as I am that Scrimshaw's - my local abattoir - have unveiled a radical new direction. They'll be offering healthy vegan meals delivered direct to your door. First item on the trial menu is a tempting dish of shredded cabbage in a tangy sauce. So join me in wishing goodbye and good riddance to Scrimshaw's Abattoir, and let's bid a warm welcome to Scrimshaw's exciting new Slaw to House operation.

I'm sorry, I appreciate that you've spent a lot of time on this joke, and in terms of effort, you'd be getting a full 10 out of 10 from the jolly jokes judges. The actual punchline, I'm afraid comes across as somewhat contrived, it's not terrible, but nor is it brilliant, and it is with a heavy heart that I feel compelled to  award a middling mark. So be it.
" Slaw To House": Number 5.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead on August 05, 2020, 09:27:20 AM
I'm sorry, I appreciate that you've spent a lot of time on this joke, and in terms of effort, you'd be getting a full 10 out of 10 from the jolly jokes judges. The actual punchline, I'm afraid comes across as somewhat contrived, it's not terrible, but nor is it brilliant, and it is with a heavy heart that I feel compelled to  award a middling mark. So be it.
" Slaw To House": Number 5.
So it goes.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on August 05, 2020, 09:28:29 AM
^ thanks for joining in. I feel lonesome no more.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: holyzombiejesus on August 05, 2020, 12:39:54 PM
Can we have a joke/ sketch about Clinic thinking that their time has passed and that no-one's interested in their costumes any more so they ditch them and then they go on stage and everyone is wearing the masks and they say for fucks sake and the sketch ends?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead on August 05, 2020, 02:52:04 PM
^ thanks for joining in. I feel lonesome no more.
Can't leave you feeling lonesome in your appreciation for this fine writer. He skewers Oxbridge pretension quite wonderfully, and that scene where the gas-filled condoms get stuck up the chimney and explode, triggering the Dresden firestorm, is one of the great literary comic set-pieces.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: pancreas on August 05, 2020, 02:57:35 PM
I'm sorry, I appreciate that you've spent a lot of time on this joke, and in terms of effort, you'd be getting a full 10 out of 10 from the jolly jokes judges. The actual punchline, I'm afraid comes across as somewhat contrived, it's not terrible, but nor is it brilliant, and it is with a heavy heart that I feel compelled to  award a middling mark. So be it.
" Slaw To House": Number 5.

+1/-0 karm for this message.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on August 05, 2020, 02:59:43 PM
Can't leave you feeling lonesome in your appreciation for this fine writer. He skewers Oxbridge pretension quite wonderfully, and that scene where the gas-filled condoms get stuck up the chimney and explode, triggering the Dresden firestorm, is one of the great literary comic set-pieces.
Yes, and you can see his influence on young Martin Amis, where he wrote that book about the feller going through times backwards, which he's actually quite happy about in that scene where he's removing a rubber Johnny glued onto his old lad with a cheese grater, 'cos it doesn't hurt that much when he does it backwards, or something.

Also, I could have just actually put " Slaw To House: Five" in that other post, couldn't I ? I was thinking of the song " Genius Move" by That Petrol Emotion at the time.


My 10,003rd post, and it's a cracker.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Norton Canes on August 11, 2020, 03:46:44 PM
Was watching the snooker just now and couldn't remember if Mark Selby had first won the World Championship in 2014 or 2015.

You should never confuse your Selby (sell by) dates.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: wooders1978 on August 12, 2020, 12:32:22 PM
What’s scooby doo’s least favourite type of venison?

“Roe deer”
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: notjosh on August 19, 2020, 02:55:16 PM
Facebook just reminded me of one of my posts from 2010.

Quote
Being a parent is expensive. The other day I had to buy a baby monitor, for crying out loud!

Thought it might have been Tim Vine or something, but Google doesn't think so. If it is mine I've sadly become even less good at jokes over the intervening decade.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on August 25, 2020, 12:44:30 PM
^nice^
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Hand Solo on August 25, 2020, 12:59:11 PM
Being an existentialist for the hard of hearing is expensive. The other day I had to buy a megaphone, for sighing out loud!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Hand Solo on August 27, 2020, 08:52:06 PM
They've now done a show all about pandas'* periods.

It's called The Black & White Menstrual Show

*Or nuns.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on August 27, 2020, 09:09:24 PM
Stone the crows! I'm in trouble with the RSPB again!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pseudopath on August 27, 2020, 11:28:36 PM
Stone the crows! I'm in trouble with the RSPB again!

"Fuck a duck!" would work too.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on August 28, 2020, 02:45:24 PM
Stone the crows! I'm in trouble with the RSPB again!
LOLS
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pseudopath on August 28, 2020, 06:18:24 PM
LOLS

*cough* (https://twitter.com/garydelaney/status/14065765687)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Hand Solo on August 29, 2020, 02:14:46 AM
Crow The Stones! I'm in trouble with The Beatles fan club again.

EDIT. New Page Does Not Work Without Context Cunt
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on August 29, 2020, 09:27:59 AM
Stow the Crones! I'm in trouble with the Society Against Stockpiling Witches again!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Hand Solo on August 29, 2020, 05:25:40 PM
Came up with this many, many years ago but was always too embarrassed to tell anyone it:

Michael J. Fox walks into his agent's office in the early 90s, he stands at the desk and asks "Any news?"

The agent turns to him and squints, examining him quite carefully and worriedly says "Michael.. you've got tremors."

He replies "Oh great, I thought Kevin Bacon would get the part!"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: bgmnts on August 29, 2020, 11:15:43 PM
I mean, what's the deal with sweet and sour sauce? Are you sweet or are you sour? Make up your mind!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thecuriousorange on September 03, 2020, 04:41:10 PM
Knock knock

Who's there?

Parcel Force

Parcel Force who?

Parcel Force Be With You
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on September 03, 2020, 04:50:21 PM
What would Peggy want for dinner?

Soup or Lard
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thecuriousorange on September 03, 2020, 05:28:30 PM
I'm not saying my mother in law's old, but she thought Tick Tock video was a digital watch.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thecuriousorange on September 03, 2020, 05:32:17 PM
I'm not saying my vicar is Po-faced, but he does wear a red balaclava with a TV ariel on the top.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Twonty Gostelow on September 05, 2020, 05:34:23 PM
I wouldn't say my uncle has left it too late in life to get married, but when he proposed he went down on one ball.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Rizla on September 06, 2020, 05:06:40 PM
Hey guys, couple of mushroom ribticklers here.

Q. Why did the mushroom refuse to wear a facemask during the covid19 pandemic, going so far as to claim that the whole thing was a ruse by the government to increase compliance among the population?

A. It was a "shit take" (shiitake) mushroom!

Q. What kind of mushroom helps you to travel?

A. A "magic" mushroom - it will take you on a psychedelic "trip"!

cheers

Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: The Mollusk on September 06, 2020, 05:32:47 PM
Here’s a joke I came up with a few weeks back:

I was down the pub with the lads the other night, we were getting through the pints and I decided to get a couple of rounds of shots in. We were all slamming them except one of our pals who just wasn’t into it, said he wanted an early night and shots get him too drunk. We all started making fun of him, calling him a lightweight and all sorts. Nothing serious, just banter. I then started saying “you’re such a red grape sparkling juice drink! Look at the fizzy bottle of adult soft drink!” but my other mates stopped laughing, and a couple of people nearby looked disgusted. One friend took me outside for a cig and explained what I’d done. It turns out you can’t say that sort of thing any more, as it’s classed as a Shloer.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Suckton Clifney on September 06, 2020, 05:43:00 PM
Q. What is Roger McGuinn's favourite budget lager?
A. Perlenbacher.
Q. Why?
A. BECAUSE IT SOUNDS A BIT LIKE RICKENBACKER

Anyone?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Twonty Gostelow on September 06, 2020, 06:04:16 PM
Q. What is Roger McGuinn's favourite budget lager?
A. Perlenbacher.
Q. Why?
A. BECAUSE IT SOUNDS A BIT LIKE RICKENBACKER

Q. What is Chris Hillman's favourite bitter?
A. I'm sorry, I don't know.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Rizla on September 06, 2020, 06:08:36 PM
Q Which Byrds member most resembles an angry wasp?

A David Cross Bee (Crosby)!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: kalowski on September 06, 2020, 07:49:50 PM
Q Which one of The Byrds was in charge of their denim?

A: Gene Clark (Jean clerk)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Rizla on September 06, 2020, 09:40:43 PM
Q Which member of the byrds enjoyed playing pranks on his band mates using polyfilla?

A My Caulk Lark (Michael Clark)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: kalowski on September 06, 2020, 10:30:45 PM
Q Which member of the byrds enjoyed playing pranks on his band mates using polyfilla?

A My Caulk Lark (Michael Clark)
This is the winner, although I will counter with
Q: Which former Byrd kept setting his dad's dad on fire?
A: Gram Parsons (Gramp arsons)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on September 06, 2020, 11:38:37 PM
Q what is the name of the Byrd that keeps having sex with my Irish pint?
A Roger McGuinn is that name
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gulftastic on September 19, 2020, 07:46:37 AM
My wife drives me mad by constantly naming her favourite old horses. All night it's nag nag nag.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: notjosh on September 22, 2020, 08:41:43 AM
Here’s a joke I came up with a few weeks back:

I was down the pub with the lads the other night, we were getting through the pints and I decided to get a couple of rounds of shots in. We were all slamming them except one of our pals who just wasn’t into it, said he wanted an early night and shots get him too drunk. We all started making fun of him, calling him a lightweight and all sorts. Nothing serious, just banter. I then started saying “you’re such a red grape sparkling juice drink! Look at the fizzy bottle of adult soft drink!” but my other mates stopped laughing, and a couple of people nearby looked disgusted. One friend took me outside for a cig and explained what I’d done. It turns out you can’t say that sort of thing any more, as it’s classed as a Shloer.

Works better if the friend who took you outside is Sean Connery.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Voltan (Man of Steel) on September 22, 2020, 12:50:06 PM
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because they’ve all been eaten by parrots.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pavlov`s Dog`s Dad`s Dead on September 22, 2020, 05:08:09 PM
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because they%u2019ve all been eaten by parrots.
I can't believe you've messed that line up so badly. Come on, it's obvious: either aspirin is uncountable, in which case "Why is there..." or it's countable, in which case "no aspirins". Honestly, some people.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Captain Z on September 22, 2020, 05:50:03 PM
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the parrots are all pharmacists.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Voltan (Man of Steel) on September 22, 2020, 06:19:39 PM
I can't believe you've messed that line up so badly. Come on, it's obvious: either aspirin is uncountable, in which case "Why is there..." or it's countable, in which case "no aspirins". Honestly, some people.

That’s exactly the way it was told to me. I know because I made the bloke repeat it several times and then wrote it down in case I ever got the chance to tell it myself.

Here’s the other one I know: Bummers are deaf.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: bakabaka on September 22, 2020, 06:32:14 PM
How do you get off an elephant?

You don't; you get off a goose.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Voltan (Man of Steel) on September 22, 2020, 09:17:03 PM
How do you get to Wales in a Mini?

Along the A5.*





*Assuming you're starting from the West Midlands area and even then I'd use the M54 for the first bit.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: dissolute ocelot on September 23, 2020, 10:01:25 AM
North or south Wales? Maybe it should be "How do you get to Anglesey in a Mini?"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Voltan (Man of Steel) on September 23, 2020, 11:16:09 AM
"How do you get to Anglesey in a Mini?"

One in the front and one in the back.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gulftastic on September 23, 2020, 12:00:55 PM
Where I went on holiday, the ocean was tilted to 45 degrees.

I was in Anglesey (angle-sea).
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: kittens on September 23, 2020, 01:45:44 PM
when do you think the film company Working Title productions are going to settle on a name
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thecuriousorange on September 23, 2020, 05:01:18 PM
What to you call a person you want to leave?

A taxi!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: ElTwopo on September 25, 2020, 08:13:46 PM
I hate the Jolly Green Giant. He's just a shill for Big Farmer.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: monkfromhavana on September 25, 2020, 08:55:23 PM
How to the slaves in the Lindt chocolate factory listen to music?

They use their master's chocolate ears.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: ElTwopo on September 27, 2020, 10:12:54 PM
What goes banana, grape, raisin, blueberry, pink grapefruit, blackberry?

Ronnie O'Sullivan finishing a fruit salad.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Ray Travez on September 29, 2020, 11:28:54 PM
what pop star collects wool?

Ed Shear-ram
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: notjosh on September 30, 2020, 07:25:54 AM
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Reminds me of a great punchline I have that I haven't got a set up for yet.

"One's an aspiring rower, the other's an aspirin grower!"

Or I might use it as a solution to one of those Sherlock Holmes type stories where someone scrawls a phrase on a wall with their dying breath and no one can work it out. It was the aspirin grower all along!

©notjosh 2020
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: notjosh on September 30, 2020, 07:26:36 AM
what pop star collects wool?

Ed Shear-ram

Karl Pilkington called, he wants his Rockbusters clues back.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: basterfeldt on September 30, 2020, 10:43:55 AM
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Cook it 'til it's Bill Withers
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on September 30, 2020, 10:59:30 AM
What key opens a banana?

A mon-key
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gulftastic on September 30, 2020, 02:48:49 PM
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Cook it 'til it's Bill Withers

How do you turn a condom into a punk singer?

Let Fungus The Bogeyman use it till the Johnny's Rotten.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gulftastic on September 30, 2020, 02:59:41 PM
How do you make an old Coronation Street character into a chocolate bar?

Pop him on a merry go round until he's Curly Whirly.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on September 30, 2020, 11:15:23 PM
I hate the Jolly Green Giant. He's just a shill for Big Farmer.

Bit corny
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: FerriswheelBueller on September 30, 2020, 11:53:24 PM
I read an article on subversive political jokes and read an old soviet one I liked.



A new writer joins Pravda - on his first day, he meets his editor.

“Welcome to Pravda, my son. Tell me, what do you think of the rule of our glorious party?”

The new writer is taken aback, but says “oh, well, exactly the same as you sir!”

The editor responds “well in that case son, it is my duty to turn you over to the KGB”
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: bgmnts on October 03, 2020, 01:27:03 AM
Learning to let go is important.

I'm now no longer a part of Mountain Rescue.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Ptolemy Ptarmigan on October 04, 2020, 02:31:12 AM
Which veteran singer-songwriter often quickly writes nine numbers in a row?

First corect answer gets a big kiss from me.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: wooders1978 on October 04, 2020, 06:43:28 PM
I usually jizz into a particular sock whilst masturbating, but the other day I came into a tissue and cucked my sock
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: zomgmouse on October 05, 2020, 02:49:43 AM
A young monk wishes to achieve enlightenment. He goes to an old monk sitting at the top of a hill.

The young monk asks, "How do I achieve enlightenment?"

The old monk says, "Wander the earth until you realise it can only be achieved from within. Then return."

The young monk wanders and wanders. Years, decades pass. Eventually the young monk has an epiphany. "It is within me," thinks the young monk. "I am enlightened."

The young monk comes back to the old monk who is still sitting at the top of the hill after all this time.

"I understand now," says the young monk. "I am enlightened."

The old monk gets up. Says, "Take my place. For you are enlightened."

The young monk sits down. "What now," he asks.

The old monk replies, "Now I go to the toilet. I really need to pee."
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Ptolemy Ptarmigan on October 05, 2020, 12:00:30 PM
Which veteran singer-songwriter often quickly writes nine numbers in a row?

First corect answer gets a big kiss from me.

Some great guesses in this thread so far, but none of them are right and the prize kiss will rollover until next time, when it'll be two kisses.

The answer is Neil Sudoku.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pseudopath on October 06, 2020, 01:53:52 AM
The answer is Neil Sudoku.

That can't be right. Solitaire's the only game in town.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Ptolemy Ptarmigan on October 06, 2020, 02:07:01 AM
That can't be right. Solitaire's the only game in town.

😉  Little Devil.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Hand Solo on October 07, 2020, 10:11:11 PM
I've heard Jonathan King wants to cover Two Little Boys.

I BET HE DOES THE DIRTY OLD BOLLOCKS etc
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Hand Solo on October 08, 2020, 01:04:24 AM
What nudey films help you forget about your worries and your strife?

Baloo Movies
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Spoon of Ploff on October 09, 2020, 02:46:15 PM
I don't know why they call Keith Starmer an abstainer...

He's been fucking the Left for months now.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thecuriousorange on October 10, 2020, 12:45:15 AM
Which hard rock band change Dick Dastardly's tyres?

Muttley Crew
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: solidified gruel merchant on October 10, 2020, 08:39:59 AM
Which hard rock band change Dick Dastardly's tyres?

Muttley Crew

Glam rock, I would pedantically argue..
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: phes on October 10, 2020, 09:02:25 AM
Why did the barman replace a punter's prosthetic leg with a Corvid leg?

because he ordered a Kroney!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Chairman Yang on October 12, 2020, 03:57:00 PM
I heard the new Chuckle Brothers biography is well balanced. I felt it was barycentric.

Jesus.. jesus fuck, my brain.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: JaDanketies on October 12, 2020, 04:02:25 PM
A celebrity gave me a lesson in standing diagonally. It was Myleene Klass.

Did you hear about when all those famous authors wrote about that root vegetable? It was a turnip for the books.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: JaDanketies on October 12, 2020, 04:09:57 PM
Since this started with a cheese joke, I will share some nut jokes that are JaDanketies orginals:

What do you call a nut that's looking at you through the corner of its eye?

Pecan.

What do you call a nut you've annoyed?

Pistachio.

What noise does a nut make when it sneezes

Cashew!

What do you call a school for nuts?

Macademia.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thenoise on October 13, 2020, 05:57:48 AM
What do you can a nut that, inexplicably, cures a disease affecting ladies' upper underwear?

Brazil nut
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on October 13, 2020, 04:46:02 PM
Which hard rock drummer does Indiana Jones carry about with him?

Lars Bullwhip

What??
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on October 13, 2020, 04:49:20 PM
Which British beat group had to regularly deodorize?

Hermans Armpits
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on October 13, 2020, 04:51:42 PM
I've probably NOT made this up, however :

Which 2 Tone frontman doesn't know anything?

Shruggs
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on October 13, 2020, 04:57:23 PM
Which music star would get you safely across the river Mersey?

John Coltrane - he served in the Navy.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: JaDanketies on October 13, 2020, 06:02:20 PM
How does Ozzy wash a Swedish car?

In a black Saab bath.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on October 14, 2020, 09:14:39 AM
How does Ozzy get his steaming vent brought to him?

By his geyser butler
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Captain Z on October 14, 2020, 07:54:05 PM
What did Fatima get in her computer science degree?

A tutu.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: your dad on October 16, 2020, 11:35:37 AM
edit: never mind.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Ray Travez on October 16, 2020, 10:53:05 PM
Why did the cat scream?

It had been driven insane by Coronavirus!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: chocky909 on October 18, 2020, 07:42:34 PM
I'm sure this has been done before but I couldn't verify on Google search...

She's not so much a Page 3 Girl, more a Past-ry Girl.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thecuriousorange on October 20, 2020, 12:50:13 PM
A lot of us have been taking up new hobbies in this year of coronavirus and I've offered myself as a nude for the art class at my local community centre. I'm still waiting to hear back, but I've been practicing by walking around the town centre naked, except for a face mask. Everyone else is getting into the spirit of this "new normal" too, with nobody coming within two metres of me.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Special K on October 22, 2020, 09:34:10 PM
The workers in the Halloween store on the High Street are rushed off their feet...

They are running on skeleton staff

I know right, that is good
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gulftastic on October 23, 2020, 08:51:25 AM
The Thing got terrible skin burns from The Human Torch but he was refused treatment at the Burns Unit, who said it was too much work

No one was willing to do the hard graft.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Norton Canes on October 25, 2020, 10:31:39 AM
Did your hear about the constipated cyclist?

He needed a digital shifter
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Norton Canes on October 25, 2020, 10:35:03 AM
Which Irish comedian is made of egg?

Dylan Meringue
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on October 25, 2020, 08:46:53 PM
What vegetables can you wear on your feet?

Shoecumbers
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thecuriousorange on October 25, 2020, 09:50:32 PM
Can you help me think of a name for the tiger who roams in the same jungle as Mowgli and Baloo?

Sure can!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Non Stop Dancer on October 25, 2020, 10:12:29 PM
My best mate married a Muslim at the weekend.

Sunni?

Nah, fucking pissed down.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: JaDanketies on October 26, 2020, 12:31:42 PM
My best mate married a Muslim at the weekend.

Sunni?

Nah, fucking pissed down.

Shi'ite weather
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on October 26, 2020, 02:42:15 PM
What vegetables can you wear on your feet?

Shoecumbers

Genuine LOLS *clap*
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: pancreas on October 27, 2020, 03:27:08 PM
What vegetables should you pin on the front of taxis?

Cabbadges.

Which Jazz pianist is named with a portmanteau celebrating the time his mother's IBS was inflamed by eating too much endive?

Chick Corea.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: privatefriend on October 31, 2020, 06:33:19 PM
Why did the snail lose its shell?

Snail pattern baldness
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on October 31, 2020, 06:45:36 PM
Which vegetable was a big hit for David Bowie?

Aubergine Jeannie

And which one featured on the Velvet Underground's first album, featuring Bowie's old mate Lou Reed?

Run Run Runner bean

Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Ray Travez on October 31, 2020, 11:11:40 PM
Which other vegetable features on the Velvet Underground's first album?

John Kale
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: jobotic on October 31, 2020, 11:48:13 PM
Where do Scottish Velvet Underground fans go to buy their weekly shop?

Stirling Morrisons








https://my.morrisons.com/storefinder/197 (https://my.morrisons.com/storefinder/197)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Ray Travez on November 01, 2020, 06:17:50 AM
Which member of the Velvet Underground always shouts for extra food?

Mo' Tucker!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thenoise on November 01, 2020, 08:58:15 AM
Why did the Velvet Underground's rehearsal space always smell so bad?

Lou Weed
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thecuriousorange on November 02, 2020, 07:30:23 PM
Sigh. Another popular celebrity has said that putting on a mask drives him crazy.

Jim Carrey
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Shoulders?-Stomach! on November 13, 2020, 01:06:10 PM
Why did the gay rights march organiser refuse at first to admit he had scheduled it at the wrong time of year?

Because Pride comes before a fall.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: kittens on November 15, 2020, 11:45:06 AM
why is like i don't know Mark Kermode or that other one from the guardian (sam something?) that everyone hates similar to a cedilla or maybe an acute accent

they are all DIACRITICS (DIRE CRITICS)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Twonty Gostelow on December 19, 2020, 01:45:32 PM
wtf someone had a go at me on Twitter for not being any good at ironing!  I can't even.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Botty Cello on December 20, 2020, 10:08:58 AM
wtf someone had a go at me on Twitter for not being any good at ironing!
So you come on here to let steam off, I can see their point.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thecuriousorange on December 20, 2020, 10:11:59 PM
Christmas is cancelled.

It wrote a tweet defending Louis CK
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on December 22, 2020, 06:54:26 AM
wtf someone had a go at me on Twitter for not being any good at ironing!  I can't even.

I'm creasing up! :-D
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Lisa Jesusandmarychain on December 22, 2020, 06:56:21 AM
Which female Labour MP and Wedding Present fan who certainly gets my " would" vote is rubbish at ironing?

Oh, you've probably worked it out, due partly to my preceding post, haven't you?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Ray Travez on December 22, 2020, 10:57:46 AM
Oh, you've probably worked it out, due partly to my preceding post, haven't you?

                yes                 
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pink Gregory on December 28, 2020, 11:41:35 AM
Which christmas decoration hates women?

t'incel
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: wooders1978 on December 28, 2020, 02:49:00 PM
Which christmas decoration hates women?

t'incel

Haha - that’s pretty decent - yours?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Pink Gregory on December 28, 2020, 03:05:37 PM
Haha - that’s pretty decent - yours?
somehow yes, but I'm sure I'm not the first
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on January 12, 2021, 12:40:55 PM
What is a horses favoured vehicle for partaking in a road trip?

A WHINNYbago
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: notjosh on January 12, 2021, 12:54:37 PM
What were Liberace's favourite letters of the alphabet?
P 'n' O.

How many knees does an Indian restaurateur have?
Three. Their left knee, their right knee and their mango chutney.

Maybe I should just become an eye surgeon instead. They always know a cornea joke!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: notjosh on January 12, 2021, 12:57:41 PM
Here's a tortuous one that definitely deserved its own post.

Person 1: Do you like IT?
Person 2: I 'ate IT!
Person 1: You mean you don't like it?
Person 2: No, I mean I ate it. In the cafe in 'Arrods!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: pancreas on January 12, 2021, 03:04:35 PM
OR ……

What is a horses favoured vehicle for partaking in a road trip?

A mustang

Not funny tho.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on January 15, 2021, 10:20:14 AM

How many knees does an Indian restaurateur have?
Three. Their left knee, their right knee and their mango chutney.


LOLZ
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: phantom_power on January 15, 2021, 12:52:58 PM
wtf someone had a go at me on Twitter for not being any good at ironing!  I can't even.

That's odd
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gulftastic on January 17, 2021, 02:49:42 PM
Our quiz team nearly got relegated, but we managed to answer a tie breaker question on distinguishing between types of flammable carbon.

We stayed up on coal difference.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Hand Solo on January 23, 2021, 09:03:43 PM
Had the dilemma of choosing which of two families to take out to dinner, a band of Irish pop-rock siblings or a clan of dysfunctional animated Americans, I chose the former - because you've got to treat The Corrs and not The Simpsons.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: JaDanketies on January 28, 2021, 02:15:12 PM
Quote
Just whatsapp videoed my grandad in hospital with the following one. (it's not good, he's got stage four prostate cancer and they just found a tumour just next to his spine. They've restricted his movement and he's got to have radiotherapy or surgery. And nobody is allowed in there with him cos of COVID. Same shitty situations happening across the country, natch.)


A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.

Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”

Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!”

Cinderblock says to her mother, “hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!”
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Twonty Gostelow on January 28, 2021, 09:23:55 PM
Some top copying and pasting there.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thenoise on January 30, 2021, 01:37:18 PM
If you're going to post a 'trad' joke, ay least de-Yankify it.

'Cinderblock', indeed.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: JaDanketies on January 30, 2021, 01:40:26 PM
If you're going to post a 'trad' joke, ay least de-Yankify it.

'Cinderblock', indeed.

Do we spell it cindreblock?

...


Here's a JaDanketies original then that I've been working on for the last few days. It's exclusive here, I've not even shared it with my family. I don't think I can hone it any further.

What did the former president of Iran say when you asked him how he was doing, just as he was tucking into a dinner that had been ruined by his chef Chad?

"My mood? Ach, my dinner Chad!"
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thenoise on February 02, 2021, 05:13:06 PM
I thought it was Yankiedoodle for breezeblock, but I'm doubting myself now...
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: dissolute ocelot on February 09, 2021, 04:14:50 PM
I thought it was Yankiedoodle for breezeblock, but I'm doubting myself now...
That is indeed what Wikipedia says, although I think I'll start referring to them as concrete masonry units now. Click this link to find what they're called in New Zealand!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Concrete_masonry_unit
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Misspent Boners on February 09, 2021, 11:10:48 PM
What did the Oyster chef shout at his employer in exasperation before walking out on the job

Go shuck yourself!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: timebug on February 10, 2021, 09:18:22 AM
If a tree falls in a forest and no one hears it, does that mean that my illegal timber business is still working?
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Ray Travez on February 12, 2021, 10:19:48 AM
made me laugh
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Gregory Torso on February 12, 2021, 11:48:46 AM
What does a Sasquatch use to check its cryptocurrency stock value?

The Big-FTSE.






(i think that works can't really be arsed with)
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: joaquin closet on March 20, 2021, 08:45:02 AM
I asked Chris Martin from Coldplay who his favourite novelist was growing up.

And it was Saul Bellow.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Kankurette on March 21, 2021, 03:17:55 PM
Q. How do you know if there's an elephant in the fridge?
A. Footprints in the butter.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Echo Valley 2-6809 on March 26, 2021, 01:19:02 AM
This one's not an original but I love it.

Scouse couple:

Do you like avocado?
No, I can't drive.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Artie Fufkin on March 26, 2021, 12:51:22 PM
Did you hear about the man who threw his 'intimate hair' at passers by?
He was arrested for being a pubic nuisance.

Top of the page!!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Ray Travez on April 13, 2021, 12:37:20 AM
remember geddin' stabbed outside the Blind Beggar? What were allthaddabowt!?

yes, it's Peter Kray!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: timebug on April 29, 2021, 08:54:24 AM
Colony of bats hanging from the roof of a cave. Leader awakes,ready to fly out and feed,when he spots one of his colony down on the floor of the cave. 'What are you doing down there?' he asks. 'Yoga' came the reply.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: pancreas on April 29, 2021, 01:30:54 PM
What do mafia bees mete out on rival hive members?

beeswhacks
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Fr.Bigley on April 29, 2021, 02:56:33 PM
Why did the Irishman smell of shit?

because he had severe Crohn's disease and has to wear a stoma bag, he's sensitive about it
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thenoise on May 19, 2021, 11:36:26 PM
Not sure what range eggs are, but I can't quibble with the price.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: timebug on May 20, 2021, 08:59:13 AM
Two scientists walk into a bar. First scientist says 'I will have a glass of H20 please' and the second scientist says 'I will have a glass of H20, too!'. First scientist was okay, but the second one was seriously ill and rushed to hospital.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Tokyo van Ramming on May 23, 2021, 07:38:34 PM
Not sure what free range eggs are, but I can't quibble with the price.

I've fixed it for posterity. The blame still lies with you, though.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: McChesney Duntz on May 23, 2021, 07:50:07 PM
NO. NO. WRONG. STOP RUINING JOKES.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: bakabaka on May 23, 2021, 08:10:00 PM
How do you get off an elephant?

You don't, you get off a duck.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thenoise on May 24, 2021, 05:45:24 PM
I've fixed it for posterity. The blame still lies with you, though.

Wow you found a way to make it even less funny.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: timebug on June 01, 2021, 05:18:32 PM
I used to play triangle in a reggae band. I sat next to the drummer an 'ting....
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Special K on June 01, 2021, 07:19:00 PM
What do Dungeons and Dragons players have for breakfast?

20 sided Dice Krispies
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Echo Valley 2-6809 on June 02, 2021, 05:18:28 PM
Where was the lead singer of the band Imagination born?

Tripoli.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: JaDanketies on June 04, 2021, 12:06:59 PM
What do you call a pizza that has been folded in half?

A calzone.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Fr.Bigley on June 04, 2021, 01:48:32 PM
Why did the Scotsman leave nothing to his wife in his will?

Because Margaret thatcher tore the heart out of the Clyde ship building industry
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: privatefriend on June 05, 2021, 01:49:43 PM
Why did the nudist enter the Scottish pub?

He heard there was nae-kids allowed
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: thundarrshirt on June 15, 2021, 04:19:32 PM
A bellboy helps a psychoanalyst with their enormous amount of luggage. "A lot to unpack here!" he says.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: holyzombiejesus on June 21, 2021, 01:49:13 PM
Why was the Scottish man surprised when his plane landed in California rather than flying round the world forever?

Because when he asked what the destination was, he was told 'disnae land'.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Fambo Number Mive on June 21, 2021, 04:47:39 PM
Why was the Scottish man surprised when his plane landed in California rather than flying round the world forever?

Because when he asked what the destination was, he was told 'disnae land'.

Made me laugh.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: timebug on July 03, 2021, 08:35:09 AM
In the 70s, a Soviet professor and two of his students are conducting an excavation in the Ural Mountains. They discover a well preserved man in the ice and they dig him up. He is wearing some primitive clothes, a stick and some unknown artefacts and they soon start arguing which age he is from. When the discussion heats up, the professor stops them and says: "Students, please. I friend of mine is an intelligence officer at a KGB station not far from here. They have a lot of equipment and I am certain they can help us resolve this." They bring him to the KGB station and the professor's friend and intelligence officer accepts and tells them to sit and wait.
One day passes and nothing happens. Two days, still nothing and the students are starting to grow a little impatient. They call up the officer and ask about the progress. He tells them to be patient and just leaves. After two more days, the intelligence officer show up with a slight smile. The professor and his students are very curious asks what they've found out. "Well, he is 5344 years old, he lived of berries, vegetables and occasionally some meat. His name was Golunk and he lived in an ancient city which is long gone. He used the stick to fight of wild beasts which were vast at that time. He also had eight kids and three wives and the artefacts were a gift for his oldest son's wedding.".
The professor was stunned over the precision and so were his students. They knew KGB had resources, but at this level.. One of the students asked the officer how they were able to pin-point the information at this granularity?
"He confessed!", said the officer.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: chocky909 on July 12, 2021, 12:34:08 PM
What is the most psychedelic, mind bending male name beginning with K?

Well Kevin's Spacey but Kieran...? Trippier!
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: Wanking Monk of Kefalonia on July 12, 2021, 04:06:39 PM
Went to Amsterdam once, and smoked so much weed, snorted so much coke and shagged so many prostitutes........and then I LEFT the Anne Franck museum!!

Bit of 'pull back and reveal' for you there.
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: timebug on July 18, 2021, 08:54:44 AM
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian. They were happy but were often harassed by the massive sharks that inhabited the area.
One day, Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.”
They asked the wise old codfish if it is possible to become a shark. He said, "Your wish is granted.” Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.
Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close. Justin realised his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sadness.
While swimming alone one day he saw the old codfish again. He begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy, Justin swam to his friend’s home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hello, it’s me, Justin! Your old friend.”
Kristian replied, "No way. You'll eat me. You're a shark...my enemy. I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.”
Justin said, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Kristian.”
Title: Re: Have we had a jokes thread in a while?
Post by: ElTwopo on July 19, 2021, 10:06:39 PM
Which 80s Welsh boy singer's skin is covered by a film of organic compound that emits light in response to an electric current?

Oled Jones