Bored

[the midnight watch baboon]

I dunno, this is the north after all. 

[hpmons]

Shin guards, eh?

Well there's nothing for it- I'm entering you, with my faithful pit pony Gerhard by my side, the canary having already snuffed it in a fatal attempt to bugger Nicholas Witchell after a botched interview on the six o clock news.

Our bodies meet, mine gritty and prematurely aged, giving off a smell of burnt oak and broth, yours the very depiction of womanhood itself (please elaborate sexually). I murmur reflexively and exhale slowly, like a steam engine being put through its paces after a decade being left to rust, probably down to the Thatcher legacy of deliberate underinvestment and protracted murder of the coal industry.

I smell of...cinnamon.  Apple and cinnamon. And fresh bread.  Apple crumble and cinnamon bread.  When you enter me I also smell vaguely of nutmeg.  Womanly nutmeg.  I gasp and moan with delight as your gritty body rubs against my smooth porcelain flesh.

Oh, oh, oh yes...Right on target...Zounds you're amazing.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

30 years of toiling away down a shaft teaches you a thing or two about the ways of the world.

I manfully plough onwards, in my indomitable style. Gristle, grit, and then a bit more gristle, of the throbbing variety.

I sense moistness of a sweet sticky variety, a very un-Scargillian moistness indeed. Satisfied, I continue, determined more than ever to conquer the lady below me. I chunter left-wing rhetoric which seems to please you emotionally and sexually. Solidarity, strength in unity, Lenin with a huge roto-cock; it's all happening.

[Talulah, really!]

^^^Reads like D.H.Lawrence off a labia..

[hpmons]

30 years of toiling away down a shaft teaches you a thing or two about the ways of the world.

I manfully plough onwards, in my indomitable style. Gristle, grit, and then a bit more gristle, of the throbbing variety.

I sense moistness of a sweet sticky variety, a very un-Scargillian moistness indeed. Satisfied, I continue, determined more than ever to conquer the lady below me. I chunter left-wing rhetoric which seems to please you emotionally and sexually. Solidarity, strength in unity, Lenin with a huge roto-cock; it's all happening.

Oh yes, we're united, we're united, you are so fecking solid inside me, your speeches are better than Cicero.  This is the best we've ever had, thank god you haven't been shot in the face by a terrorist for wanting to save the one you love...yet.  Oh, oh, oh

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE


Right, I've got a speech to...speak, so you can see yourself out love. I would have a shower but there's a whole troupe of miners being laid off in Gouldthorpe, and not in a good way.

I'll never forget this dearie. My wife is absolutely dreadful at sex, while you were fairly willing and got quite into it near the end I thought. If we do it again, I'll make you cum properly, as a treat.

[hpmons]

I grab a pickaxe and bash it into your thick stupid skull.  I then kick you repeatedly in the...well, its rude, so Im not going to say. 

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Oh sorry love. Leave me a few notes with what you'd like to have happened more and I'll see whether we can get round the negotiating table, or better still, ON it.

[hpmons]

I write down a few erotic kinky notes, then drag you away from the door to the kitchen chair, I break your throne and I cut your hair, and then I shove my notes down your throat.  Then I get a chef to cook you, and shove an apple down your throat.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Sorry no sdm, not my thing.

...although to be honest it does seem like the sort of thing Arthur might well have enjoyed.

[dandoystevski]

Ooh Arthur, you're such a pick tease!
(Giggles like a bitch)

[ThickAndCreamy]

I'm so restless and bored at the moment that I'm going to go to bed even though I'm not tired. This is just awful, I feel like someone who has spent all his life working to look forward to retirement, and now it's arrived I have no fucking clue what to do.

I'm going to devise a "movie night" or other form of entertainment during 2 midweek nights from now on. I'm fed up of just listening to music every night, playing Team Fortress 2 and coming on here. The slow creeping in of winter is going to destroy me this year.

[social rhinoceros]

I'm so glad that the weather is still summer-like at the moment, i'm literally dreading the onslaught of the dark-winter.  My only tip would be exercise, go out there and join a local sports centre and do some classes.  Failing that, do what I do, get pissed every night playing computer games/films/comedy/music.  Oh...and start smoking....  (I should be a doctor).

[Fry]

I will do anything any of you suggest. I am so bored.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I need to photoshop my sister a Christmas card, but I can't be arsed to do it. If I post the links to the images on here Fry, will you do it for me?

You fucking better.

[Fry]

What kind of thing does she want?

[Small Man Big Horse]

I've already come up with the idea and got the pictures saved. It's basically her sitting on Santa's knee, but Santa's face replaced with that of Richard Armitage's, and he asks her what she wants from Christmas, and in an overexcited manner she squeals "You!"

I know it's not great, but I'm putting in very little effort after the present she got me last year.

[Fry]

What was the present?

[Small Man Big Horse]

The Doctor Who Time Travels book, which having read is aimed at 4 year olds. Oh, and a Terry's Chocolate Orange, but the milk chocolate version and not the dark chocolate one that I actually like.

[Fry]

Man she sounds like a Grade A bitch. IS she a Grade A bitch? What grade bitch is she? I bet it is A.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Nah, she's cool man, shit at buying presents, but good on obtaining alcohol, illicit substances and prostitutes for me.

[Small Man Big Horse]

None of this is important anyhow.







DO IT!!!

[Little Hoover]

Write a 2000 word short story for me, fry.

[Squink]

Post the password to your account so we can all roam around the forum pretending to be you.

[Fry]

I've wanted to do that a couple of times. But my password is my password to everything.


(Will Neil be able to facebook rape me now?)

[Fry]

I left my wacom pad at uni, so it is a little shaky.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Hmmm, it's not what I originally intended, but sod it, it'll do.

Thanks!

[Fry]

:)