A very self-indulgent thread.

[Jumble Cashback]

Okay, look, I know this isn't what we're all here to talk about, so please ignore this if you want, but I could use some advice from all you clever people.  I've got to meet a girl who recently broke up with me to get back the stuff of mine she had at her flat.  But I'm SO scared.  I really don't know how I'm going to be able to hold my head up high when I see her.  It makes me feel a bit sick even thinking about it.  Does anyone have experience of surviving this kind of meeting with some kind of dignity intact and without feeling shakingly miserable before/during/after it.  If so, please enlighten me.  (This is normally the kind of thing I'd discuss with friends, but they all seem too busy at the moment to spare me any time.)

[Ginyard]

You make her come to you. Then you smear the kitchen floor with lard and watch her tear her leg muscles as she Bambi's off across the floor.


yours

THE ADVICE KING

[rudi]

I've often found having a spine helps in these situations. I really couldn't recommend it highly enough.

[mook]

Listen to Ginyard. Or just man up you facking nancy and just go and get your shit back. Fucksakes, how do you cockless whitterers get through life is a constant source of bafflement to me.

[biggytitbo]

Hide under some coats?

[mook]

Oh, and punch her in the tit for putting you through all this hassle - actually scrap that, punch yourself in the bollocks several times until you grow a working set. I can't guarentee this will work mind, but it's worth a go.

[Small Man Big Horse]

Hire an escort to pretend to be your new girlfriend, and take her with you.

Then go back home with her and have sex.

[Jumble Cashback]

Oh, thanks, Don Juan Club.  I'll stick to cooler-than-thou macho posturing from now on, shall I?  _{I'm sorry - I didn't mean that, can we make up?  Please don't leave me like this.}  

[Eight Taiwanese Teenagers]

I agree with mook. I can understand nervousness but I don't think anyone here will be able to give you any advice whatsoever other than to stop being a pansy. Which is not to say that I wouldn't be doing the exact same thing...

[Jumble Cashback]

Christ, I brought this on myself.  Didn't expect quite such a hasty mauling, though - it's like you were all prowling - waiting for someone to show a trace of vulnerability and then BANG!  Straight for the sack.  Well, I asked for it.  You're all still heartless cunts, though.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

Well, without knowing more about the circumstances of your breakup, it's naturally going to be hard for anyone to give advice. As harsh as they may sound, being confident isn't bad advice. There's nothing to fear but fear itself and all that.

Failing that, get drunk beforehand.

[biggytitbo]

Smear her in cack, Jumbo Cashback.

[boxofslice]

Get absolutely leathered before you get there, act like like a massive tit before smashing up your stuff in front of her shouting, "IT'S NOT THE STUFF THAT'S IMPORTANT!!"
Wake up the next day unsure of what happened.



^{From the personal files of boxofslice}

[Captain Crunch]

Fucking hell hold your horses there!  Do you HAVE to see this woman at all?  My guess is no.  Get a friend to do the swap, maybe a female friend who could double as the sympathy / rebound fuck when she drops off your bin bag full of pants and novelty coffee-grinder. 

win : win

[rudi]

Christ, I brought this on myself.  Didn't expect quite such a hasty mauling, though - it's like you were all prowling - waiting for someone to show a trace of vulnerability and then BANG!  Straight for the sack.  Well, I asked for it.  You're all still heartless cunts, though.

There's a world of in between from posturing to being scared of your ex-girlfriend.

If you broke up because she's violently insane then please accept my apologies, otherwise, listen to mook. He knows so much about theeeeeese things...

[The Boston Crab]

Get a picture of her printed on a sock. Wank in the sock several hundred times. Crush the muck-encrusted offending item in front of her, like a packet of pink wafers, as a symbol of closure.

You'll feel BALLS OUT proud of yourself...Nobody has ever done this in the history of man.

[Jumble Cashback]

There's a world of in between from posturing to being scared of your ex-girlfriend.

Oh, I know, but most of the replies didn't exactly linger in that middle ground.  I've never seen so many 'Charles Atlas 9-Week Plan' responses in one thread before.  As much as I can admit that it was a misguided moment of weakness that caused me to start this thread (That's right, JC, back-peddal - that'll win 'em over), it's been interesting the kind of righteous reaction it's generated.  Hell, I expected the ones who thought I was being a big fanny just to have ignored me.  But no, thankfully, there are some people who'll piss on me if I'm on fire.  Awesome!

[Ginyard]

I've never seen so many 'Charles Atlas 9-Week Plan' responses in one thread before. 

To be fair, mine would take about 9 secs to execute.

[Miss Anne Thrope]

I've been through something similar, so my advice is:

Fake confidence goes a long way. You're understandably miserable, but she doesn't have to know that. Go in, don't engage too much in conversation, get your stuff, say goodbye and leave.

And the best revenge is living well.

[lynxwolf]

donkey punch the bitch

[Jumble Cashback]

To be fair, mine would take about 9 secs to execute.

True, but you were in the clear anyway.  You managed to not jump on the glandwagon.  Extra marks for not kicking the beggar.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

Yep, follow Ginyard's advice for up to 9 seconds of slippy fun.

[rudi]

True, but you were in the clear anyway.  You managed to not jump on the glandwagon.  Extra marks for not kicking the beggar.

It seemed the kindest thing to do (and is still the best advice on here so far, to be honest, love). OK, so it was delivered flippantly/mockingly but, really, I'd have said the same if I knew you and you asked to my face.

If you can't handle seeing her, don't; otherwise man up, go round and get your shit. What do you think is going to happen?

[Jumble Cashback]

Fair enough.  To be honest, rudi, I usually enjoy you and mook's candour anyway, so I can't exactly complain when it's levelled in my direction.  Especially if I lose my normally impeccable judgement long enough to post a needy little thread just to remedy my fleeting woes.  Ah, well, I suppose plenty of people make that mistake once.  I'll be back to posting threads about ignimony and wanking first thing in the morning. 

[Still Not George]

Fair enough.  To be honest, rudi, I usually enjoy you and mook's candour anyway, so I can't exactly complain when it's levelled in my direction.  Especially if I lose my normally impeccable judgement long enough to post a needy little thread just to remedy my fleeting woes.  Ah, well, I suppose plenty of people make that mistake once.  I'll be back to posting threads about ignimony and wanking first thing in the morning.

Nononono, humiliate yourself more! C'mon! Post about your genital warts or something!

(I'm kidding, and for the love of Dawkins, please don't stop posting about real stuff just because most of the replies are jokes, OK? We may be mostly cunts but some of these cunts actually do try to help - my own self-indulgent 'Dad's arse cancer' thread being a damn good example.)

[Ja'moke]

Are you actually going to her flat to pick these things up?

[falafel]

thankfully, there are some people who'll piss on me if I'm on fire.

Brother, I'd piss on you, fire or no fire. That's what real love is.

[Still Not George]

I'll drink gallons of petrol, then piss fire on you. That's what really real love is.

[Jumble Cashback]

Aw, you guys.  I'd purposely electrify myself before going on fire so that anyone whizzing on me would have their cock blown off from a buzzy fire-stream of lightning petrol-piss.  That's the power of love.  And, fear not - I may be a little insecure in the break-up department, but I'm not so trembling as to take a little light-hearted online bollock-nibbling to heart.  Hell, I'd probably have said something along the same lines myself, were it someone else's thread.

[Cerys]

What you need to do is obvious.

1.  Get drunk.  Not too drunk, just enough to build a bit more confidence.
2.  Go to her place.
3.  Collect your stuff.
4.  Ask her where a certain (utterly fictional) item is.
5.  Argue with her when she denies all knowledge of it.
6.  Accuse her of trying to nick it.
7.  Make a big show of calming down and forgiving her.
8.  Guilt-trip her into post-argument sex.
9.  Dump her.

You know it makes sense.

Spoiler alert

Note: this is a bloody silly idea.

[close]