Pitch some rubbish film ideas

[El Unicornio, mang]

The more cliches, the better

Title: Saturday Lads
Starring: Danny Dyer, Alan Ford, some ex-bouncers who can't cat but look well 'ard
Plot: Tommy (Dyer) works a "well mince" job at the bank during the week, but on Saturday's him and the boys like to down 12 pints of Stella, watch the local South London footie team (not named because the F.A. won't give permission) and 'ave a ruck. Unfortunately the boys accidentally rough up local gangster Lenny Bobbins' (Alan Ford) grandson, leading to all sorts of cockney mayhem!
Tagline: Football, Fightin', Fuckin', 'Avin It!!

Title: Tumbleweeds
Starring: Michael Cera, Zooey Deschanel, Dustin Hoffman
Plot: A quirky, loveable indie "flick" about a boy (Cera) and a girl (Deschanel) and her eccentric Grandpoppa (Hoffman) as they take the road trip of a lifetime, meeting some wacky characters along the way (Jack Black and Will Ferrell cameo). Music by Belle and Sebastian.
Tagline: Sometimes you need to find the wilderness, to get out of the wilderness!

Title: C3ll D3ath
Starring: Jared Leto
Plot: Mild-mannered lawyer Seth Bumble (Leto) is about to get the ride of his life when a mysterious cell phone call leads him to a race against time across the streets of New York, culminating in a 20-minute chase sequence up the Statue of Liberty staircase that will leave viewers gasping for breath.
Tagline: He's got 48 hours to solve the puzzle, but all he wants is his life back

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

Mr. Show - Coupon: The Movie

[Blumf]

Title: Redstreak
Plot: In the land of Marcle the evil wizard Stowford has cast a curse on the good folk and it is down to the young dwarf Tom Putt and trusted elf friend Dabinett to travel beyond the bounds to the distant western lands and retrieve the sacred Brown Snout Press.
Tagline: Escape the lock-in.

[Ronnie the Raincoat]

Title: And Then a Duck Comes
Plot:  In suburban 1950s America, Janey Spencer and her husband, Richard Spencer, seem to live the perfect life.  But unbeknownst to Janey, Richard has been embroiled in a three year affair with the man he shares his small but thriving greetings card business with, David Speck.  Janey wants to have a child, but Richard grows increasingly uneasy with his sexuality,  being pulled both ways by his desire for a normal life and his love for the volatile David, who is putting the pressure on him to leave his wife.  Janey falls pregnant, and David, becoming more and more desperate for Richard's commitment, runs into the delivery room, holding a gun to his head.  As Janey screams and pushes her child into the world, Richard sobs, wanting to comfort his wife and his lover. The sound of a gunshot  rings out.  And then a duck comes.
Tagline: Woah.

[Goldentony]

Title All y'all gon' get yours when i BUST OUT THE JOINT

Plot Brumak Goldthrone has landed himself in BLOODBATH prison, New Mexico when he comes across a small secret door in his cell. Within the secret door is a long spiral wooden staircase adorned with portraits of all the significant moments of his life. As he descends lower down the staircase, the pictures start to depict all of the moments he missed, and those from behind his back. Every cheating wife, every no good bow legged money snatching player, every bad word those fools ever spewed about him, EVERYTHING!!

When he reaches the bottom, he emerges out of the prison, and in the forest. Confused and terrified, he looks to the gods above and utters the immortal phrase, to his enemies - "ALL YALL GON' GET YOURS!!!!!"

Tag Line HES A BAD BAD MAN, AND HES GONNA DO SOME BAD BAD THINGS

[Backstage With Slowdive]

Title: A Man Can Dream
Starring: Ricky Gervais, Barack Obama, Emma Thompson
Plot: Mild-mannered everyman Geoff Whoops (Gervais) has always wanted to build a replica of the planet Saturn but he could never work out how to fit the rings round it and make them stay up. His wife Stella (Thompson) has put up with this nonsense for long enough and gives him an ultimatum to make it or forever shut up or she'll leave him. But in the lonely watches of the night the Archangel Gabriel appears as a sassy, streetwise black dude (Obama) and tells him how to do it by the power of belief.
Tagline: Anyone Can Do Anything At All

[Goldentony]

Title Do You Remember..

Plot Docu-drama focusing on the craze that swept the nation at the height of disco - September, by the group Earth, Wind & Fire. Witness the chaos it caused, the joy it gave and the people it enriched. Watch as Earth Wind & Fire throw decency out of the window and perform the song in DECEMBER.

Tagline BRING SPARE PANTS

[An tSaoi]

Title: En Route To Death

Starring: Steven Seagal, Zhang Ziyi, Ozzie Yue

Plot: Seagal is Prof John Carburettor, the Chief Engineer for a major car manufacturing company and a martial arts expert in his spare time. But one day, some evil Triads hatch a plan to sabotage the production line and wreak havoc on the public, by planting a bomb in every third automobile. With the help of his wife Ling-Ling (Ziyi) Carburettor has exactly 24 hours to hunt down the Triads, kill their leader Dr Wu (Yue), and personally disassemble each and every car in the factory to remove the bombs, before reassembling them all by hand so they can be shipped off in the morning. The clock is ticking...

Tagline: It's time to take it up a gear!

[Backstage With Slowdive]

Title: Jacquestard
Starring: Sacha Baron-Cohen
Plot: Sacha's zany new character, the alcoholic sex-crazed French "cultural envoy" Jacques, crashes his way through US society, getting into incredible scrapes and doing outrageous things.
Tagline: Different Film, Same Merde.

[An tSaoi]

Title: Christmas Crackers!

Starring: The type of people you see in TV movies but whose names you don't know

Plot: Grumpy old Jack Grumpstein hates Christmas. So when a new family and their ten year old son Billy move into the neighbourhood and put Christmas decorations up all over the place, it can only spell trouble! This wacky comedy provides fun for all the family. Laugh as we see Jack wrestling with a plastic Santa, getting tangled in fairy lights, and having a run-in with a randy reindeer! But Billy soon teaches him the spirit of the festive season, and before long Jack learns that at Christmas everyone can get along.

Tagline: It's a ho-ho-holy war!

[An tSaoi]

Title: Snuff Movie

Starring: Carmen Electra, Leslie Nielsen, Chris Kattan

Written and Directed by: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer

Plot: Er...

Tagline: Snuff my finger!

[Morrisfan82]

Title: My Ex-Girlfriend Is A Ninja!

Plot: When Steve Disneycunt ends his year-long relationship with Myopia Hairstraighteners, he has no idea that she's actually a ninja! A romantic comedy (ie. for tarts) with a crazy twist (ie. ninjas, you like ninjas don't you Gary).

Tagline: "It turns out his ex-girlfiend is a ninja!"

-

Title: My Ex-Girlfriend Is A Zombie!

Plot: When Mike Frappucinex ends his year-long relationship with Pudenda Crying, he has no idea that she turns into zombie! A romantic comedy (ie. functional smiling) with a crazy twist (ie. zombies, you like zombies don't you Gary).

Tagline: "Pop culture fuckin' iPhone!"

-

Title: Dance Your Last Dance Until You Stop Being Unsuccessful

Plot: Sheena Polyp is a straight-A ballet student at a prestigious ballet school in name of town. That is, until the night she attends an underground dancing club where people dance and she experiences the underground dancing world of street dance dancing. Now she is forced to conciliate the wishes of her uptight parents and schoolteachers with the fact that she is now fucking a black man.

Tagline: "These beats are shit, shit being street-slang for good I think, is that right"

[El Unicornio, mang]

Title: Fruit Deathtail

Starring: Some 20-something GAP models who are all pretending to be 17, one of whom gets her knockers out

Plot: It was supposed to be a night of good times, a spooky evening spent at an abandoned tinned fruit factory, where legend has it the owner murdered three workers in a tangerine-segment-separating machine before falling into a vat of light syrup. But on this night, something evil has been awakened, something that lurks like a bad peach in a dark corner...and there's no cell phone reception either.

Tagline: Tonight, he'll make a fruit cocktail out of all of them

[Ginyard]

Title: sCaBs with Tags

Starring: Everybody from Eastenders except Charlie

Plot: A bunch of manic depressives and bone-idle wankers and wanktresses spend a silly portion of their time on an internet forum or in a chatroom. One day, one of them, a dwarf with leprosy, suggests they think up crap film plots. Its all going great until a fine stallion of a man with an enormous cock suggests that it be about them, and then proceeds to type these exact words. Unfortunately, the whole thing eats itself from the arse up and they all die of unbelievably immediate asbestos poisoning when their roofs fall in at exactly the same time that Jesus comes back to earth.

Tagline: YOU DAMN THEM? I BAMLEM.

[MuteBanana]

Title: Go Cart Parenting
Starring:Gilbert Gottfried, Seth Green, Jim Carrey
Plot: Wet blanket workaholic Giles Reason (Carrey) has been neglecting the needs of his awkward yet highly intelligent 10 year old son Randall. While Giles spends each evening working overtime, Randall is bullied both in and out of school by next door neighbour Sandy.  To add to Randall's woes he must also sit alone and watch the strong relationship between Sandy and his father, practical joker Eddie (Gottfried).

A go cart competition held in the local park gives both fathers and sons a reason to go head to head. But when their go carts are sabotaged by a gang of teenagers led by Kev (Green), the two teams join forces to create a go cart to beat all other go carts in Go Cart Parenting.

Tagline: Sorry boss, I've got a meeting...with my son!

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

Michael Sheen is Everyone. Ever.

Steve Martin in Ernest Gets Remade.

[Desi Rascal]

 Christmas Crackers

  Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence play a pair of undercover cops who infiltrate a white supremisist gang opperating out of a downtown department store by dressing as elves.
Tagline Ho's Ho's Ho's Mutherfuckas

[Tokyo Sexwhale]

Title: Escape To Wicketory

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Shane Warne, Andrew Flintoff, Osvaldo Ardiles, Shakoor Rana, Imran Khan, every Asian actor you've ever heard of.

Plot:  At a POW camp in darkest Helmand Province, Osama bin Laden decides to humiliate the West by defeating their very best players at Cricket. 

Needing vital information from American pilot, Stanley Stallion (Stallone), the Allies insist that he must be their wicket-keeper.  But Osama doesn't play fair.  With 1 run needed off the last over, will Stallion make that vital catch?

Tagline: They'll bowl you over!

[Marty McFly]

This is my favourite new thread on CaB.

Being Michael Cera

Starring: Michael Cera, Jesse Eisenberg, Sigourney Weaver, Clive Dunn, Clint Howard, Chuck Norris

Jesse Eisenberg plays Malcolm Munson, an agoraphobic nerd living in Los Angeles who obsessively watches Michael Cera-starring films. He's been having visits from a psychotic acting coach (Clint Howard), and his ancient personal therapist and doctor (Clive Dunn). One day, Doctor Fuzzy-Wuzzy accidentally lets Malcom ingest some liquid LSD, and this finally allows him to leave the confines of his room, kill Michael Cera, and take his place as the awkward nerd king of Hollywood. He hasn't counted on Cera's full-time bodyguard (Chuck Norris) or a wisecracking heavily pregnant cop (Sigourney Weaver) though..

Tagline: We couldn't think of another character, so this time, he's just himself. And he has ninety minutes to live.

[vrailaine]

Although Eisenberg came before Cera, didn't he? Roger Dodger?

[MuteBanana]

Title: Clown Shoes

Starring: Jimmy Fallon

Plot: Mack Ribber has spent his whole life as a slacker while all around him worked hard to fund his video game addiction. No one more so than his father Robert, who opted to spend 30 years building a mens shoe shop empire, instead of fulfilling his dream of joining the circus.  When Robert suddenly dies from a stroke, Mack decides his life must change. But to make his father proud will he choose to take over the Ribber shoe empire or do what his father never could and make it as a circus clown?

Tagline: Big shoes to fill. Even bigger shoes to step into.

[AsparagusTrevor]

Adam Sandler...in......a film

[MuteBanana]

Title: Chalk It Up

Starring: Megan Fox, Frankie Muniz

Plot: Teenage ice skating sensation Elissieyah Trunker(Fox) and artistic loner Ned Chancer(Muniz) pass each other in the school halls every day. They live in the same street and yet they've never met. Not until Ned gets a job at the local ice skating rink where Elissieyah practices for the Olympics.  There she meets the "weird" and "strange" Ned and when she accidentally discovers his chalk drawings of her ice skating, she's forced to call on her boyfriend to tell Ned to leave her alone. But when Gregory Humps (played by Scott Caan) attempts to rape Elissieyah, she realises Ned might just be the guy she's been looking for all along.

Tagline Chalk can be erased. True love lasts forever.

[alan nagsworth]

Title: Dr. Doolittlejohn

Starring: Richard Littlejohn as himself

Plot: Enraged by the ironic ignorance constantly cast in his direction atop Mount Richard, Dr. Doolittlejohn decides to cautiously clamber down from his mighty steed to actually listen to what the scummy people of Britain really think about the financial climate, the abysmal Labour government and the tarnishing of everything that is good and pure about our once-great nation. Much to the contrary of his pre-supposed opinion that they will all communicate in a constant and primitive ape-like grunt, he finds that he can actually understand them in perfect clarity thanks to some miracle of cross-species communication. Much to the dismay of disgruntled and seemingly contented British people, Doolittlejohn then seeks to change his ways for the better by trying to actually improve the lives of these already-happy mammals instead of force-feeding them a mass-produced prescription of dog food like he has been for the past god-knows-how-long.

Tagline: Dr. Doolittlejohn: He talks to the animals.

[Santa's Boyfriend]

Title: Snombies

Starring: That American Latino guy that talks out the side of his mouth

Plot: Criminal gang that makes snuff movies are making their latest masterpiece when all their victims suddenly come back to life and try to eat them.  Hilarity ensues.

Tagline: Your past could come back to eat you.

[Ginyard]

Title: Spackerfish

Voiced by: Emo Philips, Rutger Hauer

Plot: A physically challenged turbot has to fight his way through a Daily Express sponsored middle class aryan fish farm with just his new found buddy, Remini the sea anemone, as backup.

Tagline: A cold blooded body will always survive with a warm heart. Bluuuuurgghhhh

[Cerys]

Title: And Then a Duck Comes
Plot:  In suburban 1950s America, Janey Spencer and her husband, Richard Spencer, seem to live the perfect life.  But unbeknownst to Janey, Richard has been embroiled in a three year affair with the man he shares his small but thriving greetings card business with, David Speck.  Janey wants to have a child, but Richard grows increasingly uneasy with his sexuality,  being pulled both ways by his desire for a normal life and his love for the volatile David, who is putting the pressure on him to leave his wife.  Janey falls pregnant, and David, becoming more and more desperate for Richard's commitment, runs into the delivery room, holding a gun to his head.  As Janey screams and pushes her child into the world, Richard sobs, wanting to comfort his wife and his lover. The sound of a gunshot  rings out.  And then a duck comes.
Tagline: Woah.

We have a winner.

[Santa's Boyfriend]

Title: The Room

Starring: A slab of beef with an unplaceable germanic accent

Plot: A beefy guy with a cardboard persona shags his girlfriend a few times, she shags other people and moans about how she can do whatever she wants, he talks incomprehensibly and walks around a bit, some other random people appear from time to time saying nothing of value or consequence, mostly in a room covered in plastic spoons.

Tagline: WTF is this?

[samadriel]

Title: Escape To Wicketory

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Shane Warne, Andrew Flintoff, Osvaldo Ardiles, Shakoor Rana, Imran Khan, every Asian actor you've ever heard of.

Plot:  At a POW camp in darkest Helmand Province, Osama bin Laden decides to humiliate the West by defeating their very best players at Cricket. 

Needing vital information from American pilot, Stanley Stallion (Stallone), the Allies insist that he must be their wicket-keeper.  But Osama doesn't play fair.  With 1 run needed off the last over, will Stallion make that vital catch?

Tagline: They'll bowl you over!

Nonono, "They bowled out the Twin Towers... but they can't bowl out STANLEY STALLION."

[Saucer51]

Title:Mayor May Not

Starring: If not the real Boris, then some chap who looks jolly well just like him!

Plot: Boris Johnson was voted in as Mayor of London but before he could even get his gold chain on, an imposter robot from outer space takes his place, leaving our hero imprisoned on a distant world guarded by nymphomaniac vixens. Whilst the blond one battles to escape, the imposter robot is doing a great job of convincing everyone on earth that he is a stupid, pointless buffoon. Programmed to blurt out the most crass and inappropriate comments at every turn, it looks as though the reputation of Henley's former MP is tattered to the point of no return. Will the real Boris escape and save London and his good name?

Tagline: Crikey! Is all the totty such corkers as you lot on this planet? Erm...yes, I'll have some more of this smashing Rohypnol jui...