Embarrassing plea for advice for the female Verbwhores: contraception argh

[Ronnie the Raincoat]

Look, yes, I know, apart from Fundamentalist Christian Daily, this is the least appropriate place in the world to be asking for advice on contraception.  And indeed, Neil, feel free to delete or lock or move this thread.

I have been on "female" forums and their sheer idiocy is doing my head in and this isn't a topic I can just raise down the pub.

Basically, I know feck all about contraception and reading isn't helping.  I had the contraceptive implant put in three months ago and right now I'm on the verge of ripping the fecker out of my arm.  It does the job, but the side effects are ballix.  I've gained a lot of weight, suddenly developed spots and hairiness and other stuff.  I can barely look at myself in the mirror, none of my clothes fit me and it's getting me down.  And nothing I do to shift the weight has any effect, it just keeps going up and up.  I've had blood tests and everything is fine.

I don't know what the alternatives are that won't have the same side effects, though.  I'm confused about the pill- are they different hormones and if so, should I try one with a different hormone to the implant?   I have PCOS (I lost about 5 stone and it helped the symptoms, which seem to be reappearing now I'm medically overweight again) and hormonal stuff affects me a bit, but yeah, I'm very confused.

The coil and condoms are not convenient in this case. 

I'm really sorry for asking this here but do any of you have any words of wisdom on this?   My GP steadfastly refuses to acknowledge that the implant could be causing these effects even though it's well documented and I'm not overeating at all.  And the local Brook place has nurses experienced in taking the implants out only sporadically so I'd have to wait a while to talk about options with them.

Yours totally embarrassed.  I'll be over here under the pillow.

[rudi]

There are different kinds of implants first of all, just as there are many types of pill. Like anti-d's, you kind of have to shop around before finding the brand that's right for you.

G'luck!
x

[Ronnie the Raincoat]

Thanks rudi.  I have Implanon, which sounds like a planet in a low budget sci fi film.

Tagger, I have done my research, it's why I got the implant in the first place.  Not everyone gets the side effects but some people do and seem to get them especially badly.  But the whole thing confuses the feck out of me which is why I'm asking people on a comedy forum what the buggery it all means.  And I do hope you're a man because all you have to do is stick cling film on your cock or let the woman sort it all out.

[Saucer51]

What I'd do in the circs is go and see a different GP at your practice, or if need be, change practices. If you feel that he/she isn't listening to you, show them a print out of the research you've found regarding the medication. Discovering the right type for you takes years of faffing about but obviously if you want contraception, then you need contraception.  I came off the pill when I split up with my fiance and since then, although my periods do tend to swing about a little, I feel healthier in that they are actually periods, rather than a mere withdrawal symptom of the drug.
One girls meat is another girl's poison, so to speak. 

[Rev]

And I do hope you're a man because all you have to do is stick cling film on your cock or let the woman sort it all out.

I wasn't that tagger, but fuck off, dear.  All you have to do is shag someone who's wearing a condom.

[Suttonpubcrawl]

Your GP sounds shit. It's entirely standard for different women to react differently to various contraceptive pills, so if he's not taking concerns about a long term injection contraceptive then he's probably being a bit of an idiot. If I were you I'd probably try to talk to a different GP, as Saucer51 says. You could attempt to talk to the same one again but it sounds as if he's probably not going to be helpful.

I remember hearing that here they give people the cheapest contraceptive pill initially, and then give different and more expensive ones only to people who have problems with the cheaper ones. If that is true, maybe it's a similar situation with the injections and there's a cheapo option which is fine for most but not all?

[munkybitch]

Nothing wrong with the side effects per se. Maybe just extra progesterone in your body making it go all funny water retention and being generally a bit moody. As long as you know there's a reason for it then it kinda helps a little.


DONT GET ANY ADVICE FROM A COMEDY FORUM apart from the fact that if you're GP is rubbish which it seems like he is then change (you don't have to give a reason).

[Cerys]

You could try talking to your local Family Planning clinic instead - they tend to know just a bit more about it all than a GP who hopefully never even goes there.

[rudi]

OK less drunk now.

SPC - it's not the injection, it's one of those amazing slow-release space-age implants. My ex-wife and a number of friends have had them previously. Is your a single or triple tube, Ronnie? Don't feel embarrassed asking for it to be removed - it has had the same effect on people I know wheras it's been fine for others (much like taking different 'flavours' of contra-pill, I guess). There's both no point nor no reason to suffer nowadays; one size really doasn't fit all.

Also, I'm contractually obliged to add that, through my years of stalking I've seen you svelte and seen you cuddly and, frankly, you're one hot bitch at either end of the scale.

Pip pip!

[SweetRosalyn]

If you're having trouble getting decent advice off a doctor or getting hold of a family planning clinic, go see a pharmacist - they know loads of information about all the different contraceptive options, and their respective side effects.   If you go into a pharmacy when it doesn't have a huge queue of people already and ask to speak to a pharmacist they generally have a consultation room where you can go to speak privately, and the pharmacist can go over all your options and usually give you a load of leaflets and information. 

There are loads of different options with contraceptive pills and patches (and injection), with different hormonal combinations.  A lot of people don't react well to Implanon (I have it and like it quite a lot, but several of my friends had problems with it), and there is absolutely no reason to stick with it if it's not working well for you. 

The coil comes highly recommended nowadays, you can have it with no hormones, so it's great for people who have bad reactions to them - if you aren't suitable for it, then never mind, but I would query to be sure you aren't, and you don't just think you aren't because of some bad advice from a doctor.  A lot of GPs haven't updated their contraceptive implants in the last few decades, and the advice on coils especially has changed a lot - a lot of doctors are reluctant to give it to younger women, when there is actually no reason not to.

[Hank_Kingsley]

Oral.

Telephone sex.

Reading musty tomes of Victorian erotica to one another and then having a mutal wank.

The bum.

[Lfbarfe]

I wasn't that tagger, but fuck off, dear.  All you have to do is shag someone who's wearing a condom.

RtR's original post says "The coil and condoms are not convenient in this case".

[Suttonpubcrawl]

SPC - it's not the injection, it's one of those amazing slow-release space-age implants.

Yeah, I know that, I was just speaking imprecisely because... I was off my tits at the time.

[rudi]

Wheee! Good lad.

[jutl]

I'm not a woman but I'll give some second hand advice from my sister. She gave the IUD a good review, although she had a slightly disturbing time when she first went to her (male) GP and asked for it. He tried to explain where it went and how it was inserted with the aid of a rubbery lifesize model of a woman's pelvic area. Unfortunately while explaining how easy the procedure was he got his hand stuck in the latex vagina and had to send my sister back into the waiting room while he struggled to escape it.

[petula dusty]

I agree with Cerys about going to a family planning clinic. They'll (hopefully) know more about both PCOS and methods of contraception than your average GP. It might take a while to find something that suits you though. What were you using before you had the implant put in? Also, you don't have to wait until the clinic has a implant-taking-out-nurse there to get some advice. A lot of FPC will have walk-in sessions so you don't have to book an appointment. Just have a chat with them and go from there.

If you're near the Holloway Road (my facebook stalker skills suggest you are) then there is a clinic there and they do walk-in sessions

http://www.camdenproviderservices.nhs.uk/clinic/contraception-northern-hc

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

The following is a joke intended in very good nature:

I had the contraceptive implant put in three months ago and right now I'm on the verge of ripping the fecker out of my arm.  It does the job, but the side effects are ballix.  I've gained a lot of weight, suddenly developed spots and hairiness and other stuff.  I can barely look at myself in the mirror, none of my clothes fit me and it's getting me down.  And nothing I do to shift the weight has any effect, it just keeps going up and up.

It's working miracles then love.

</very funny joke>

[hpmons]

I'm not going to use any contraception, ever.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

You can get pregnant from having someone spunk on your tits, you might want to take precautions.

[hpmons]

It's not a situation I've found myself in...yet.

[jutl]

It's not a situation I've found myself in...yet.

I'd advise you to step away from the computer if it seems imminent.

[Rev]

RtR's original post says "The coil and condoms are not convenient in this case".

Yes, and that's why I was attempting to get some kind of elaboration on that by being a touch provocative, as it'd just be prying otherwise.  I'd have understood condoms not being 'convenient' if one of the parties had a latex allergy.  I say I'd have understood it, because I wouldn't understand it in this century.

Not that this changes Ronnie's shit 'cuh, men' comment, of course.

[vx]

I know there have been improvements over the years, but I think its worth mentioning that I know 2 people who got pregnant with iud or implant. and I have heard countless horror stories of other girls getting them and then having them removed for various complications.
this always scared me enough not to even attempt it.
I have been on oral contraception for about 7 years now (for a medical condition) and it has had only positive effects for me. in the states there are a few (yasmin, yaz, ocella) which have worked great for me. in  hong kong I think the name was yazmin and can be purchased over-the-counter. I had some difficulty adjusting for the first couple months between brands but absolutely no problems after that.
I agree with talking to someone at family planning clinic, as they tend to have more direct feedback from patients and are generally more knowledgeable.
but if the implant is making you ill and unhappy there is NO REASON to continue. get it removed asap and explore your other options.
good luck

[AsparagusTrevor]

My girlfriend had the implant and it played hell with her too, very irregular periods (irregular as in happening randomly, not, like, green or anything), and also major mood swings which had me dodging cuttlery a few times.

After about a year, when she was ready to gnaw her own arm off, she told the family planning clinic and they put her on a pill alongside the implant which ballanced it all out very nicely. Now she had it removed after the 3 year point, and she's still on the same pill (Cillest it's called) which still agrees with her very well.

It was kind of strange though, the reason she went for the implant is because she'd forget to take the pill since she can't really remember anything that doesn't happen to fictional Australian families. I had set her phone alarm to go off every night so she remembers to take it.

So the moral of the story I suppose is go to a family planning clinic, explain what's wrong and they're probably more likely to understand than your GP, who sounds a bit rubbish frankly.

[SOTS]

Why can't you tossers just wear a condom and save all the grief?

[The Region Legion]

Why can't you tossers just wear a condom and save all the grief?

Because then you might as well be having sex with a dildo because we're getting fuck all out of the arrangement.


RTR - why not the coil? Girlfriend's had it for 4 years and nary a youngster in sight. Not even a pregnancy scare. There's simply no better contraceptive option out there right now.

[Claude the Racecar Driving Rockstar Super Sleuth]

Why can't you tossers just wear a condom and save all the grief?

That's not a nice thing to call Ronnie and her fella.

[Little Hoover]

Come on Ronnie we need more detailed infomation about you and your partners genitals to be able to help you here.

[Jemble Fred]

If it's just a pregnancy thing, the answer is to shag a male Verbwhore. The inevitable phimosis will make internal ejaculation near-impossible, vastly reducing the odds of baby-making.

If it's warts you fear, just stick to kissing.

[jennifer]

Just wanted to add something positive to the thread so it's not all urgh and creepy.

Um... minipill (which is the same hormones as implant, I think?) sent me batshit crazy. All the symptoms you describe. Normal pill, Marvelon, is marvell...ous. Your results may vary. But yep, your GP should fuck off. Maybe pop into Marie Stopes for some advice?

http://www.mariestopes.org.uk/Home.aspx

(its a bit bad that 'ABORTION!' appears at the top of the brower page on the Marie Stopes site, that's a tricky one to explain away.)