Aggressive-aggressive notes

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

I was handed a photocopy of this letter at work today. I think I was supposed to think the chap who wrote it was a bit of an arsehole, but actually I think that while he's certainly aggressive, he seems to be at least partially justified, and occasionally very witty with it. I enjoyed it so much that I took five minutes out of my busy schedule to type it up, and present it to you. Giveaway names have been blanked for obvious reasons.

Dear Chris,

Despite your winning charm that led us into a false sense of security that

Spoiler alert

       

[close]

has changed from a prima donna unhelpful contractual organisation into a pink fluffy cuddly organisation that had moved customer service from below the bottom of its list of priorities, I can confirm that you successfully duped us and we are now looking for the hidden cameras the will no doubt show the footage of us looking foolish to our peers in the industry, or the Contract Journal Top 100 Most Gullible Contractors Awards (Gold award).

As you will recall, we told you we were going to buy a lift from you. This was last year, October, actually. We finally managed to get you to our site in the middle of January when we issued you with a formal order for said lift, 12 weeks ago.

As a key part of this process, 2 things were going to happen. The first was that the lift installation side of the business were to know about us, and the second being that the lift would go in the building from 2nd April. Both of these are fairly key to fulfilling the order and completing the transaction, as you will understand.

I am currently in the process of removing my mother's telephone number from the 'frequent discount friends and family BT offer' as I, and

Spoiler alert

         

[close]

Spoiler alert

       

[close]

, one of the site team, are trying to reach your answer phone on a now almost daily basis to find out 1) where our drawings for approval are, 2) when the engineer is going to install the lift eyes so we can strike the scaffolding, 3) when the installation manager is going to answer the telephone and actually know who we are, and 4) given that when I last managed to get hold of you, you admitted that there was a colossal cockup, but the lift would go in during the first week of May, only four weeks late, but you would call back to confirm. (This was 4 weeks ago, so we are not guessing at early June...)

Chris, we hand over on the 31st July. No ifs, buts, or grey areas. The End Of July with a fully working lift. This is a client who is expecting

Spoiler alert

           

[close]

Spoiler alert

       

[close]

to subsequently install a significantly larger number of lifts on Phase 5, and it is currently my personal recommendation to my opposite number on the adjacent project that he staple the backs of his eyelids of John Prescott's Arse before placing an order with you for this valued project.

Make no bones about it, nice chap though you were, and we really honestly did think so, we should be sending you to Iran to help them with construction on their Nuclear Projects – A) so that we sabotage them without government inquiries, and B) safeguard the UK construction industry.

Now, please be very clear about this bit, at this point it can only go one of two ways.

Way 1 (for want of a better description) – we receive a telephone call in the next working day to confirm a date for i) drawing issue, ii) lift eye installation (a date that is politically acceptable), and we will in return buy you lunch.

Way 2 – we make the biggest drama queen act you have ever seen, abandon the project and dedicate our lives to creating a new Olympic sport where you are tied naked to a stake, and every nation in the world is invited to see how much noise they can get from you (on a calibrated noise meter from a 5m range) with a McDonalds straw. Strict rules will be brought in to enforce and protect against straw tampering. We may decide to turn a blind eye from time to time.

Yours,

Spoiler alert

       

[close]

Spoiler alert

             

[close]

Up, wound, beyond, belief, totally.

So there you have it. Not a jokey 'Letters From a Nut' affair, not a silly letter designed to go viral, not even a joke between mates - a real letter, actually sent, between two professional people concerning a real project. Amazing, isn't it?

I just wanted to share that, really, although now I'm not sure how to turn it into a thread.

Um. 'Discuss.'

[rudi]

Is the first spoiler "Otis"?

I rather enjoyed the letter (although when you admit you're badmouthing the company to other people it tends to have an effect on the company's continued support).

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Nope. A completely different company, but obviously I'm not telling.

It's Kone.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I always thought Schneider were the best lifts. Always.





(not really i don't know.)

[El Unicornio, mang]

Schindler's Lifts are the best

[rudi]

Nah, Franz Lifts ftw.

[Angst in my Pants]

Schindler's Lifts are the best

The lift to my flat in our building is made by Schindler, and since moving-in day I haven't been able to use it without thinking "Schindler's Lift" in my head.  It's like my brain is an annoying friend, telling me the same joke over and over even though I know I've already heard it.  Another manifestation of self-hatred, yay me!

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

http://schneiderlifts.net/home.html

OW!

This is a truly terrible website. I'd recommend turning your speakers right up too.

[Ambient Sheep]

I think that's an excellent letter, and far from being an arsehole, I think the bloke who wrote it (whose grievances seem to be not just partly, but wholly justified on the evidence given) has done an excellent job in communicating the nature and seriousness of the problem while keeping a humorous edge to the letter.

As for whether it's professional or not, that depends on one's definition of professional.  Given the aggravation encountered so far, it's professional enough, in my view.  Having seen a few letters of complaint in my time, it's not so bad, and far funnier than most; at least it's not full of swearing and death threats (petrol station managers - one of my former industries - can be a rough bunch), unless you count the clearly humorous Olympic Sport bit.  Even then, he proposes the use of a calibrated noise meter at a specified range, which only goes to prove his professionalism!

I like it, thank you very much for posting it, however I do worry that you may end up in bother over doing so, especially if it finds its way round the internet, which being bloody funny it might just do.  (You should certainly remove the name of the lift company, although feel free to leave in the clarification that it's NOT "Otis", as I thought that as well.)

Given that this letter is a few months old now, what happened in the end?

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Oh, everyone else has gone home and I didn't ask! Presumably not the Olympics option, though.

When I said it was partially justified ...well, I'd argue there are still better (although less amusing) ways of dealing with business issues - ways that don't imply physical torture, for instance. But I suppose it depends on how you read the thing. He does suggest the possibility of a lunchly resolution at least.

[Ambient Sheep]

When I said it was partially justified ...well, I'd argue there are still better (although less amusing) ways of dealing with business issues - ways that don't imply physical torture, for instance.

Yes, that's clearly the dodgiest bit of the letter, but the fact that the torture involves "a McDonalds straw" humorously undermines the threatening component of it.  Had it said "a Black & Decker power drill" or something like that, that would have been a far nastier letter, possibly criminally so, and not professional in the slightest.  The author was very careful how he chose his words there.

But I suppose it depends on how you read the thing. He does suggest the possibility of a lunchly resolution at least.

Exactly.  Given the tone of the rest of it, that came as a surprise, and helped to show that the author seems a good egg at heart.

[Suttonpubcrawl]

If anyone is interested (and even if they aren't, as I know they won't be), in my extensive experience of lifts I have found Stannah lifts to be the worst. Yes, the company that makes stairlifts also makes proper lifts and they are absolutely terrible. They start and stop with an incredibly jarring thud, nearly throwing you off the floor of the lift, they make all sorts of alarming sounds while moving, and they generally feel rather dangerous. Another lift company I know to be a bit dodgy is the Budget Lift Company. Their dodginess sticks out in my mind simply because dodgy lifts is exactly what you'd expect from a company called "The Budget Lift Company", and they don't fail to disappoint.

[Lookalike Mark Chapman]

Exciting follow-up.

Apparently the lift did get installed, and I'm told that far from being an exceptional situation, lift companies (and Stannah was mentioned here) are often frustratingly, project-stallingly diva-ish.

"Well... they go up and down," quipped Graham, a quantity surveyor.

[Ambient Sheep]

Heh, thanks for the follow-up, much appreciated!