Lanyards

[Jack Shaftoe]

Dead man singing hallelujah on a string around my neck

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LANYARD COHEN

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US crime writer famous for his sparse prose, once called 'the Dickens of Detroit'

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Elmore Lanyard

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[Buelligan]

Cerdded yn your Awyr gyda Llanyard Jones

[Endicott]

The more I think of it the lanyard breeds complacency and laziness. Why not replace all those beeping security entrance things with a good old-fashioned combination locks? It's not unreasonable to expect your employees to be able to memorise maybe a couple of dozen four-number codes and it keeps your mind sharp.

[Captain Z]

Worse than either of those is when they do the comedy "No, I don't know you, do you really work here?? I can't let just anyone in, and certainly not anyone without a lanyard." bit.

I got to do this to someone today! I am the absolute worst.

[flotemysost]

Ever since the strap on mine broke and I've been carrying the little plastic bit around by itself I've found myself doing the walk of shame to reception for a temporary pass quite a lot.

Ha, same. Along with my phone and wireless headphones it's joined the ranks of "shit I am constantly leaving all over the place", must've wasted hours pacing around in lanyard purgatory.

(on a serious note, I do wonder why so many offices seem to require a pass to get to every single poxy corridor, toilet or landing in the entire building - seems like an extremely obvious accessibility nightmare, especially if the doors aren't automated, as is the case in my workplace)

My office also has big revolving doors at the entrance and sometimes my extremely mature and responsible work pals and I see how many of us we can bundle into one segment (four is the current record).

[Bentpitch]

Two jobs. Two lanyards.

[Icehaven]

Two jobs. Two lanyards.

One Man, Two Lanyards is a play by Richard Bean, an English adaptation of Servant of Two Lanyards (Italian: Il servitore di due padroni), a 1743 Commedia dell'arte style comedy play by the Italian playwright Carlo Goldoni, and they're loving it on the Cookd and Bombd forum.

[Kankurette]

I was thinking of getting an autism one in case I have another very public screaming meltdown, but...perhaps not.

[Urinal Cake]

In the city, lanyards let others know which employer you work for. A logo on some plastic. You wearing an advert. Shithead.

[Ferris]

I am right now wearing a lanyard. Had a springy thing but it broke so I've been relegated to this.

The springy thing was much better.

Ok cheers

[Zero Gravitas]

I'm not allowed to wear my lanyard outside unless someone recognises where I work, boinks my on the head into the back of a van and forces me to **** *** ****** *********, which I admit would be a bad outcome.

But what's stopping them from just watching the door?

The boink part is also why you don't see people wearing job centre plus lanyards - but equally, just go in and memorise the faces.

[imitationleather]

I don't like lanyards. I love them!

[imitationleather]

At 111 there was someone who wore the main lanyard so she could get in and out of the building. Then a rainbow pride one! Then a sunflower one so she didn't have to wear a mask on the bus!!

I dunno about you but my neck would get sore!!!

[Sherringford Hovis]

If you've lost your lanyard/security pass, just smash the nearest fire alarm. Most of the doors will unlock automatically so you can now go wherever you want, and you'll suddenly have lots of new friends scurrying towards you too. No downside - people should do it more often.

[TheAssassin]

Some of you really don't know what a lanyard is.  The card and the strip/hoop of material aren't the same thing.

Incidentally, where I work, my card is blank and is kept in my wallet.  I have suggested to my banks to have my bankcards blank also so I can play lucky dip.

[Zero Gravitas]

Some of you really don't know what a lanyard is.  The card and the strip/hoop of material aren't the same thing.

Outing yourself as someone who knows technically what a Lanyard is, but has no idea how Lanyard Wearers talk about them.

That's an access fob in the form of a card, not a Lanyard.

Try that "pocket my card" shit in a REAL Lanyard Zone and everyone is empowered. No. BOUND. to come up to you and demand "Where is your Lanyard?" and your tiny little RFID FOB mind can't comprehend the loss of face that entails.

[TheAssassin]

Outing yourself as someone who knows technically what a Lanyard is, but has no idea how Lanyard Wearers talk about them.

That's an access fob in the form of a card, not a Lanyard.

Try that "pocket my card" shit in a REAL Lanyard Zone and everyone is empowered. No. BOUND. to come up to you and demand "Where is your Lanyard?" and your tiny little RFID FOB mind can't comprehend the loss of face that entails.

I am aware of how life failures behave.  The lanyard makes them feel important and worthwhile.  They avoid me, and I have access to an RFID eraser, so they know to avoid me.

[Zero Gravitas]

There's a special extension number on my desktop wallpaper for people like you, and I'm going to ring it.

[Underturd]

Is a lanyard the place they let IT managers out for fresh air?

[Rev+]

Have to use an ID card to get through various doors in my voluntary job.  Bothered with the lanyard for two days, then just took the card out and put it in the ID windowed bit in my wallet.  Now when I approach a door, I take out my wallet, let it flop open, and scan it that way.  Totally feels like I'm in the FBI and am presenting my credentials.  Pumped every time.

[non capisco]

One place I sometimes have to visit for work out in the weeping slate-grey wastelands of Slough requires a lanyard and then, get this, a fingerprint to get around anywhere. First you swipe your lanyard then you have to shove one of your digits in a little hole. (I BET YOU DO, CAPISCO, YOU DIRTY OLD BOLLOCKS etc.) Calm down, MI5!

The first time I visited this place and they wanted to take my fingerprint their machine wouldn't work and the guy got all huffy and growled "DO YOU NOT HAVE FINGERPRINTS OR SOMETHING?" as if their stupid hardware malfunctioning was somehow down to me. Very nearly went "Actually, I've just remembered mate, no I don't!!! Will that be a problem? It will? Oh, alright then." and fucked off home.

As with every photo taken of me where I'm not naturally smiling my lanyard picture looks like you've just told me that I have a new father-in-law and it's Boris Johnson.

[Norton Canes]

'Lanyards'. Sounds like a 1970's BBC costume drama.

[Cleveland Steamer]

Some of you really don't know what a lanyard is.  The card and the strip/hoop of material aren't the same thing.

Just for the sake of clarity I KNOW WHAT A LANYARDS ARE:

[non capisco]

Well, I'm just going to keep using it wrong as I just did up there purely to annoy people.

[Cleveland Steamer]

Well, I'm just going to keep using it wrong as I just did up there purely to annoy people.

You're alright mate you're alright. We all do. Just that one guy huff-posting about the correct terminology of twat medallions.

[imitationleather]

Yer da keeps his gaycard on a lanyard.

[Zero Gravitas]

It's a synecdoche you stupid cunts.

[Clatty McCutcheon]

'Lanyards'. Sounds like a 1970's BBC costume drama.

I can visualise that. 'Lanyards' is the name of a sprawling Manor House, presided over by a Lord and Lady of the same name:

'Last night I dreamt I went to Lanyards again'.

[Cleveland Steamer]

'Lanyards'. Sounds like a 1970's BBC costume drama.

I thought it sounded more like a sitcom about office wankers.

"Lanyards, everybody needs good lanyards. Just a bit of plastic on a string, helps you get into your building"

[Norton Canes]

It's definitely got a

I can visualise that. 'Lanyards' is the name of a sprawling Manor House, presided over by a Lord and Lady of the same name:

'Last night I dreamt I went to Lanyards again'

It's definitely got a post-Pebble Mill vibe.