Twatman down

[Lee Van Cleef]

As I said in the Near Miss thread I have been one of those twatmen that had an affair with a married woman.

For the sake of expelling a lot of stuff that's trapped inside me right now, I feel the need to offer a lot of exposition.  Beware, wall of text crits forum users for 9000 HP.

Around 11 years ago, whilst at uni the first time around, I was using an IRC chatroom called #quiz a couple of times a week to goof around and have chats with random people on t'internets.  Whilst contributing in this chatroom I became friendly with another regular who seemed to share my sense of humour and such, and we became cyberfriends fairly fast, emailing often and chatting a lot.  My friend is married and 20 years older than me, and at the time I had those rigid morals that meant I never entertained the thought of having an affair, but I felt like I'd made a friend for life and someone with whom I could talk about anything.  What I didn't know then is that my new best friend is married to a control freak who didn't like his wife having friends (certainly not male friends) and didn't allow her to have any kind of social life.  At the time they had kids at home and so I guess the limitations put on her life didn't seem as obvious.  Our friendship had to be kept a secret from him, and eventually he found out and put a stop to my friend (I'm going to call her H from now on) contacting me, from what she later explained he did so in a most humiliating way (and he threatened me in the process).

I guess a bit of time went by when we didn't talk but then out of the blue I got an email from H that said she missed talking and from there the secret friendship resumed.  As time went on I guess we got closer and things became more close between us as her children left home and her husband became more controlling, I told her stuff I'd never told anyone and I began to realise how much I loved this person.  We were contacting each other regularly through the day, watched programmes like The Apprentice and Big Brother and talked about them... silly small stuff, but it meant a lot.  At one point a couple of years ago I said I wanted to break off the friendship because I couldn't handle feeling like a guilty secret, and my feelings of guilt about my role in things.  After a few days of getting emails from H pleading with me to reconsider I caved in and things went back to normal between us.

Some 9 years after we first started talking we finally met in person and started having an affair.  I won't say it is something I'm proud of, because morally it's wrong and I'm aware enough to still know that, but I guess at least I understand something of how these things occur now.  Anyway we met a few times until the fourth time we were caught (before we were in a compromising situation, 'luckily').  There was obviously some fall out but H promised me we'd stay in touch, and we did for a while, until the weekend.  Her husband found the means by which she'd been communicating with me.  H has had to make a decision for herself about whether we'll maintain contact or not.  I received a letter today, apparently since the time he caught us he has been treating her slightly better and she can't maintain the secrecy and guilt, how we were in the wrong (agreed) and how it's unfair on me (this last bit annoys the fuck out of me because I think that's my decision and I hate it when people try to take responsibility for me).

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really, I don't expect sympathy because, as I said, I was in the wrong doing what I did.  I know it's not sustainable as a friendship because it's going to wreck her marriage and I'm going to hang my hopes on things that are't going to happen.  I also know that I've lost a great friend, someone who has meant the world to me, someone who has helped me get through some of my darkest times and always believed in me no matter how much I fucked up and how poorly I've perceived myself.  I don't have many friends, and no close friends... talking to H often got me through the day.  I just feel like part of me has been ripped out.

[Lost Oliver]

It sounds harrowing for both you and her. What else do you know about the hubby?

EDIT! And how is RP getting on? I really felt for the man. Hope he's okay.

[Puffin Chunks]

In my opinion (and from a position of a *little* experience) I'd say you're best moving on. I know how wrenching and painful this kind of thing can be, but if I were you I would try and put it behind you.

I agree how her saying it's unfair on you and how it's your decision to make is frustrating, but in reality... she's right it is unfair on you. The fact that you are tearing yourself up over it is evidence enough of this.

More importantly (and regardless of how controlling he is) it is totally unfair on the other guy who is the innocent party in this. If she doesn't love him/want to be with him then she should leave him, but if she doesn't want to/won't for what ever reason then you need to respect that and step back from it because this situation is not doing anyone any favours.

Sorry, mate. You need to move on for everyone's sake.

[Lee Van Cleef]

I agree, and I know it's what has to be done.  I'm not kicking up a fuss with her or anything, I've just let it go and despite feeling sad, hurt and a bit angry, I guess I've changed enough over the years to not obsess over it.

I just needed an outlet, somewhere to let it all out.  In the past I'd let it out to H, with.that avenue gone I've been feeling like I'm adrift.

[Dead kate moss]

Don't believe every woman you've never actually met's sob story of how 'controlling' or 'abusive-in-a-non-specific way' her partner is, and if you do want to help, just advise her to leave him. If she doesn't, because 'oh but I love him' ah just avoid getting involved with that type. And if she's staying together for any kids, again, don't get involved. Unless you are 100% sure its just friendship you are both doing (as I might console mook when he sends me one of his confused and emotional PMs.)

Live and learn, move on, don't get emotionally involved with people you've never met. Hope this helps. Sorry you are feeling shit.

[Still Not George]

Don't believe every woman you've never actually met's sob story of how 'controlling' or 'abusive-in-a-non-specific way' her partner is, and if you do want to help, just advise her to leave him.

At the risk of wandering into victim-blaming territory, I have to agree with this.

[Lee Van Cleef]

I understand what you're both saying.  But I do believe her when she said he was controlling.  I'm not sure I'd use the word abusive, as far as I know he never laid a hand on her.  I don't know, I guess I just feel like she is honest about it all, though I understand the scepticism.

[The Always Red Society]

Yes but from his point of view, he could be aware his wife has affairs/intimate relationships with other men and be trying to save his marriage. Or he may be a controlling nasty piece of work, I don't know. Or more likely, a bit of both, as there's no such things as 'bad guys' in this situation.

No one can blame you for the situation you've got into, and I can totally understand how painful it must be, but I can't see anything good coming from trying to keep it going.

[Still Not George]

Or more likely, a bit of both, as there's no such things as 'bad guys' in this situation.

Oh, there are. They're just massively outnumbered by middling guys with shitty communication skills and a misplaced sense of entitlement. There are also plenty of neurotic women who've heard about controlling and abusive relationships on the Internet or in Cosmo. *shrugs* The only outright good advice is to tell her to leave him.

[checkoutgirl]

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really

I can find no question at all in your post. Are you asking for some advice ? If so, what advice are you looking for exactly ?

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Was the phrase 'for the sake of expelling a lot of stuff trapped inside me' supposed to be such a massive double entendre?

[yesitis]

No one can blame you for the situation you've got into...

Yes you can.

Blame him and blame her.

If she had a problem in her relationship she should have done something about it, not just gone and fucked someone else.

And OP should have acted like a friend and tried to help and not stuck his dick in a married woman.

[Lee Van Cleef]

Yes you can.

Blame him and blame her.

If she had a problem in her relationship she should have done something about it, not just gone and fucked someone else.

And OP should have acted like a friend and tried to help and not stuck his dick in a married woman.

I agree, I should have done better.

[The Masked Unit]

Can you not simply go back in time and not have got involved with her in the first place? That's what I'd have done.

[vrailaine]

I guess I was kinda in a situation like this, except I completely convinced the girl her ex was a douchebag and she ended it with ease, she then decided I was amazing and everyone's leaving the whole thing kind of fucked up.

Actually, I dunno if it was much similar at all, but the whole losing a person you talk to about everything to is. Never had it before, put too much pressure on most friendships to actually ever develop into anything that intimate, have had a lot of difficulty adjusting. It might help to surround yourself with your family or something, even if just for a day or two, someone that you've got a pretty strong level of comfort around.

[Dead kate moss]

Just curious really, can you give examples of his 'controlling' behaviour?

[The Masked Unit]

For one thing he refuses point blank to use keyboard and mouse when playing games on his PC, insisting instead of using a controller. Also, the fat controller is his favourite character on Thomas the Tank Engine.

[Dead kate moss]

The bastard. Do you know what his favourite Janet Jackson album is?

[Lee Van Cleef]

Just curious really, can you give examples of his 'controlling' behaviour?

Mmm, I'd prefer not to go into more detail.  Right now I regret posting what I have.