Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Rewatch

[daf]

6 | "Q-Less"



Oo-mox the Lugs Out?
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

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Highlights
• . . . and re-introducing Vash!
• . . . and Q!
• Bankvault Booty Bundle : Dagger . . Promethean Quartz . . Cuddly Toy . . Fondue Set
• Percentage Plunging Aural Sex
• Bewitched Bashir Yawning Sketch
• Crankypants O'Brien #4 : "Bloody Hell!"
• The Massive Moustache Fisticuffs Sketch
• Quark's Accelerated Artifact Auction
• The Space Fish Twist!
• The "Did I Miss Something" Sleepy Bashir Sketch
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Other Bits :
• Bashir Chat Up #4 : The Preganglionic Fibre Fascinator
• Bashir Chat Up #5 : The Parasitic Infection Ice-breaker
• Bashir Chat Up #6 : The Cous-cous Dinner Date
• Stalker Q's Mental Harassment Sketch
• The Power-outage Puzzle Probe
• Technobollocks : "Focused Graviton Pulse"
• "One of the Little People"
• "You obsequious toad"
• Worrying Wormhole Magnet Mystery
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5/10

[Chairman Yang]

God, Season 1 Bashir needs to fuck off. HE WILL NEVER HAVE SEX.

- Some Bajoran bureaucrats go through Vash's shit. The main guy isn't wearing an earring! Is he meant to be like, the one atheist Bajoran?

How did that guy survive the Occupation? No way he was in the mines, he's a collaborator and no mistake. Probably has a bunch of Cardassian latinum tucked away under the floorboards. Get him hanged.

Apparently, The Daystrom Institute are upset about Vash doing a runner?! They have a lot of archaeologists doing experimental computer research, aye?

Quark makes a point in some episode or other about how shit Odo is if Quark is his nemesis and... yeah, pretty much. Odo is wasting time disguising himself as a lampshade just so he can shit talk about Quark being greedy. Don't you have some fucking aphasia virus devices to look for, you grumpy cunt?

Q-Less is barely a DS9 episode at all. It fails to make Vash interesting, detracts from Q and has another 'station destroying threat of the week'. I'm giving this a 3 because while it's barely worse than a passable episode like A Man Alone, it's also a bunch of warmed over TNG scraps.

3/10

[Mr Trumpet]

Apparently, The Daystrom Institute are upset about Vash doing a runner?! They have a lot of archaeologists doing experimental computer research, aye?

Digging up old robots and stuff? The galaxy seemed to be lousy with that sort of thing in Kirk's day at least.

[Endicott]

I do agree it's a bit of a nothing episode, but one thing I did like about it is that Q doesn't really do anything. No massive Q related jeopardy, I mean, and I'm not counting the punch up with Sisko, that's just Q saying hello.

[Blumf]

Q-Less S01E06

What a weirdly naff episode. Everything is just off, somehow.

From the very start (ignoring creepy Bashir). Why are they poncing about trying to get the shuttle's door open? Kira even wants to blast it, because it's an emergency. If only they had some means of moving people distances, through solid objects even. A way of 'beaming' the occupants out. But, alas, this is a period drama set in the late 19th Century Lake District. So the navvy gets the door open in less time than they were bickering about using the phaser or not, never mind the whole stupid get together.

Oh no, it's Picard's old fuckbuddy, Vash. That popular character. The studio audience cheers and whoops.

So, what happened to the shuttle? Well, let's not ask the science genius who was flying the damn thing, that'd be crazy! Just do some basic diagnostics and scratch your head.

Whatever, Q's about. So, first off, have the rest of the fleet not been told about this god-like being that fucks around with stuff, and seemingly has taken a liking to humanity. Seems like something that should have been briefed for. A quick memo sent around, at least. Secondly, Q is responsible for bringing the Borg to the Federation's door. So, if you happen to be a person who has lost close family in a Borg attack, and was seething at a person who was involuntarily helping them at that point, you might be expected to harbour ill-will towards Q himself. Anyway, Sisko nonchalantly tells Q to go away.

We do get that punch, which is iconic. But everything around it doesn't work. It's a big joke when, by rights, Sisko should be raging. Imagine if Sisko completely lost it and started really laying into Q, had to be dragged away. Pointless, of course, but maybe cathartic for the commander. Couldn't work, because Q is a funny jokester now and it's all light hearted, but maybe if we still had the dark and threatening original Q (in which case, he wouldn't have ponced around with Vash)

I kinda like that Bajoran bank/assayer bloke. The one Bajoran who isn't a dim witted space hippy idiot. No religious garb, just straight up business and a sharp eye. Yeah, he definitely collaborated. Plenty of Cardassian blood latinum in his safes.

Who the fuck cares about Vash's story? It's the limpest of plots that, normally, you're supposed to hang better, more important stuff on, character development and that. She's got a bunch of relics from the Gamma Quadrant to hawk, but how do all these bargain hunters know anything's worth buying? Sure Quark's been on the space-phones telling them about the auction, but without the wider context of Gamma quadrant cultures, how do you know you're not buying the equivalent of an old Coke bottle? That big orange crystal jobbie looked like it might be a Prophet's Orb, but evidently not, just some random space thingy. Boring!

As I said at the start, everything is just off in this episode. People don't act as they should, tech stuff is blatantly ignored. No idea what's happening in the whole station as it clearly goes to fuck. People just blithely focused on their own little goings on. Putting Bashir to sleep was probably the smartest thing to do in the whole episode.

Dragging Q into the DS9 story was a massive mistake. He just can't work here, we already have The Prophets and they'd thematically clash with Q. Does he have power over them? The Pah-wraith? Unless my theory about the wormhole being the equivalent of a Q special school is right, it just doesn't work. At the very least, you'd think Sisko might ask about that. And maybe, some Bajorans seeing the action of a real god-like power might have their faith shaken in the divvies that hide in the wormhole, just a little?

Anyway, who's responsible for this dull mess? Hannah Louise Shearer, who amongst other things was responsible for the TNG episode Pen Pals as well an episode of Knight Rider, and Robert Hewitt Wolfe, who gave us A Fistful of Datas, and load of future DS9 episodes. Might want to keep an eye on that.

The episode is not an outright failure, but it's damned close.

2/10

[Chairman Yang]

Dragging Q into the DS9 story was a massive mistake. He just can't work here, we already have The Prophets and they'd thematically clash with Q.

That is a great point. I didn't notice what with The Prophets having been put on the back burner, but he really is a terrible fit for the show! Too many magical space gits in the same place.

[Lemming]

S01E07 - Dax

Jadzia Dax is forced to stand trial for a murder committed by Curzon Dax, but refuses to defend herself.

- It's Keiko's mum's 100th birthday! Sadly, the camera doesn't fly over to Earth to let us in on this momentous celebration, but rather chooses to focus on Bashir's latest attempt to woo Dax.

BASHIR: Another raktajino?
DAX: It'll keep me up all night.
BASHIR: I can think of better ways of keeping you up... and they're more fun than drinking Klingon coffee.

He seriously wants punching in the fucking face.

- A mysterious GRATE MAN watches the sad spectacle from his grate-based vantage point. When Dax heads off to bed, GRATE MAN and his GRATE ACCOMPLICE trail her. Bashir's refusal to leave her the fuck alone results in him deciding to trail her too, gormlessly walking round the corner in time to see Dax being snatched by the GRATE MEN. His rescue attempt is dogshit and he winds up getting taken down in about three seconds while Dax is subdued and taken away. Odo would have done something about this but he's busy disguising himself as Quark's toilet or something.

- Bashir awakens and alerts Ops. Sisko orders a full lockdown to stop the GRATE MEN getting off the station, and Odo finally gets his arse in gear and peers at CCTV to see if he can track them. It takes the kidnappers precisely one second to bypass Sisko's big lockdown, and they reach their ship and flee.

- Odo (chief of security) and Kira (best Bajoran) both totally failed to foil the kidnappers, but Sisko (exhausted burnout) types really fast on a computer and manages to tractor them back to the station. Sisko meets with GRATE MAN - who is called Tandro - who says that he's legally extraditing Dax (he's got a warrant and everything) for the murder of his father, General Tandro.

- A look at wikipedia tells us that the murder occurred 30 years ago, when Dax was still hosted by Curzon. He is also accused of treason. Sisko reckons this is all fake news psyop bullshit because Curzon was his mate, and a MATE OF SISKO could never be a murderer. He goes to see Dax, who refuses his help and gives him the brush-off.

- Tandro and Sisko are having it out. Sisko's losing so he sets Kira on the guy, which turns the tables. It's agreed that a Bajoran-run hearing can take place, and Odo takes the chance to harass Quark into letting the hearing take place in his bar.

- Yubaba from Spirited Away arrives on the station to conduct the hearing. She's 100 years old (how long do Bajorans live?) and wants to go home already, so the hearing will be an Any% speedrun. Sisko and Tandro both make their cases - Sisko thinks it's unfair to try Jadzia for a crime committed by Curzon, while Tandro thinks the Dax symbiont itself is responsible.

- During a piss break, Sisko begs Bashir and Kira to help his weak-ass case out by scanning the internet to see if there's any precedent for prosecuting a symbiont that's moved to a new host. Meanwhile, Odo's found out that Curzon and General Tandro were BEST FRIENDS, and that Tandro's wife, Enina, still lives. Odo goes to grill her and she insists that Curzon must be innocent, but is sketchy about how she knows that to be the case.

- It's SELLIN PEERS, TRILL EXTRAORDINAIRE! Sisko and Tandro both ask him some leading questions to back their respective cases up, and then end up yelling at each other. Yubaba puts these fools in timeout for acting like children. When court resumes, she reveals her ace plan - cut Dax out and let it stand trial, while letting Jadzia go free. This is literally impossible, so we're back to square one. Sisko calls Bashir in to hit us up with the brainwave report, that proves that Jadzia and Curzon are, as Bashir says with a strange leer, "two... unique individuals". Looking good! But Tandro gives him some light questioning in repsonse and Bashir's instantly on the ropes and starts jabbering in a mad panic. Tandro back on top!

- We're fucked. We're so fucked that Sisko decides to call himself as a witness in a pitiful last-ditch resort to unfuck the situation. Sisko's witness testimony basically amounts to "GO ON YOUR HONOUR, LET US OFF, PLEASE". Tandro and Sisko get really into a great analogy about saltwater, and Yubaba becomes bored enough that she calls yet another major recess.

- WORSE NEWS: Odo's snooping has revealed that Curzon and Enina were hanging out together a lot. Odo goes to have a go at her again, and she snaps and goes off on one about how much of a pillock General Tandro really was, and how his legacy has ruined her life. Meanwhile, Sisko's figured it all out, and goes to Dax to give her an earful about how she shouldn't allow herself to get death penalty'd just to protect Enina's reputation. She's still giving him the silent treatment, and he bemoans that he can't hit her anymore because she's not a man, so he'll have to settle for gently tapping his fist against a bit of the set instead. They rejoice about how they both used to beat the shit out of each other in the Curzon days, which was allegedly great fun. Dax says she's embarrassed about Curzon's infidelity, but also that he actually loved Enin.

- Court's back in session. We learn some stuff about how the retconned Trill work, and how you have to go through tons of psychological tests to become a host (imagine how insanely gravely desperate they must have been to stoop so low as to accept Riker as one in "The Host"). Enin suddenly appears, wearing the CLOAK OF MYSTERY, and asks for the hearing to stop for she's certain of Dax's innocence - reason being that he was in bed with her at the time in which the treasonous transmission was sent. Case thrown out of court.

- Enin thanks Dax for trying to protect her, and learns about the weirdness of Trill host transfer memory shit. Oh, turns out General Tandro was the treasonous one, apparently, and both Dax and Enin knew it and were trying to protect his legacy. Alright then!

I remember thinking this was naff but I really liked it this time around. What makes this one really work so well is that it actually feels like the writers (one of whom was D C Fontana!) are genuinely interested in properly exploring the question at the core of the story. I know I said I would refrain from bashing TNG and comparing it unfavourably to DS9, but... if TNG did this script, Tandro would be a cackling bigoted madman and Picard would be a saintly figure delivering a righteous moral polemic about Dax's innocence. Tandro would not get to present a solid argument, he'd just say a bunch of cliches and thinly-veiled anti-Trill racism, and ultimately be vanquished at the end, becoming a nervous wreck in the face of Picard's Cbeebies-tier moralising. (see: Measure of a Man, The Drumhead, etc)

But here, the question is really explored deeply and satisfyingly (phwoar), and Tandro is not only a genuine threat to Sisko's stance, but he also might actually be right. The script doesn't really pick a side, and both Sisko and Tandro make totally sound cases, and both of them get to expose flaws in each others' arguments. Sisko and Tandro both feel like actual real people with fair views here, and both engage in the hearing passionately but rationally.

One little scene I really like is when Sisko's ordering Kira to look into legal precedent, and she asks what to do if she finds out that Jadzia actually is legally culpable for Curzon's crimes. He immediately responds that he won't accept that as an answer, but then kind of flinches a bit when he realises for the first time that he might have this whole thing arse-backwards and be on the road to a giga-fuckup. Great acting from Brooks.

The debate itself is really interesting, and very well handled - it gives even a new viewer enough information about how the Trill joining works to let them form their own opinion, and gives equal weight to both sides of the argument to allow Sisko and Tandro to convince you. Personally I really have no idea who was right - I'm leaning towards Sisko's side, I suppose.

The actual revelation of Curzon's innocence feels a little bit weak but I do really like the script's treatment of Enin, who's largely sympathetic. There's a lot of interesting stuff in the idea that her life has basically been put on hold indefinitely because she's expected to fill no other role than being the emblem of the General's legacy, especially since nobody but herself, Dax, and a handful of rebels know the truth that the General was a bit of a knobhead.

Other thing to mention is that Yubaba (didn't get her actual name) is a fantastic character and brilliantly acted. I remember the Bajorans being generally just annoying, but between her and obvious-collaborator-man from the previous episode, there's actually some alright ones.

7/10

[daf]

7 | "Dax"



Silent Witness

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Highlights
• Bashir Chat Up #7 : Raktajino Rendezvous
• Dax Napped - Bashir Bashed
• Cranky Antique Arbiter
• The Clonky Ball of Justice
• Mum-Jection!
• The Bonking Bed Aliby
• Dax Shag-quitted!
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Other Bits :
• Technobollocks : "RCL type one matrix field"
• Odo Bar Blackmail Business
• Morn : Spiral Staircase
• Sherlock Odo's Log of Doom
• The Salty Water Sketch
• The Argosian Aggro Anectdote
• Hero = Traitor Bombshell
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2/10

[Wentworth Smith]

The Federation team who negotiated the unilateral extradition treaty are totally incompetent and should be forced to watch several days of footage of Picard moralising as punishment for their uselessness.

Tandro obviously stretches the law to breaking point but the idea that they could just turn up anywhere in the Fed and take whoever they want because they might have committed a crime is bonkers. And why aren't Tandro and his crew arrested? They break into a Bajoran station, infiltrate the computers, rough up a Fed citizen, and kidnap another. Lock them up! Unless the treaty works both ways and the Federation are just waiting until they go home and then sending a posse after them to kidnap them in return.

[Chairman Yang]

Sometimes I like to imagine how stories would play out with other Star Trek species. I think literally every culture, even the Vulcans, would just blast the drive section off the alien ship and tell them to fuck off.

Speaking of fucking off, these Horny Bashir openings need to stop. No more. I'm putting my foot down. This prick is on the cusp of getting implicated in Operation Okona.

• The Salty Water Sketch

TANDRO: When you put salt in water the two become indistinguishable and inseparable.

That's got to be the worst legal metaphor anyone has ever come up with. Instantly lost the case. Exactly the sort of razor-sharp reasoning you'd expect from a military dictator that thinks due process is putting a bag over your head.

There's a glaring problem with the 'courtroom episode' in that the focal character just sits in the background while people talk around them. It makes for a pretty poor examination of Jadzia Dax's motives and I didn't really ever buy that Curzon Dax murdered a guy, so I was just waiting for the inevitable 'Just one more thing, your honour' ending.

Dax is on the cusp of dropping down a point but it lands in that sweet spot of just being sort of bland.

5/10

[Chairman Yang]

Also, I have to forgive Bashir for failing to call Odo during the LEAGUE OF GRATE MEN attack. Would you call Odo? Like if you actually wanted something accomplished?

[Lemming]

Tandro obviously stretches the law to breaking point but the idea that they could just turn up anywhere in the Fed and take whoever they want because they might have committed a crime is bonkers. And why aren't Tandro and his crew arrested? They break into a Bajoran station, infiltrate the computers, rough up a Fed citizen, and kidnap another. Lock them up! Unless the treaty works both ways and the Federation are just waiting until they go home and then sending a posse after them to kidnap them in return.

Exactly the sort of razor-sharp reasoning you'd expect from a military dictator that thinks due process is putting a bag over your head.

Oh yeah! I was so jazzed by the courtroom debate that I forgot about how stupid the opening was. I think I kind of mentally brushed the whole BAG ATTACK aside as being a dumb way to hook the viewer in with a big action-packed intro before easing into forty minutes of people talking, but it really is terrible and makes Tandro look insane.

I think the best part about it is the completely half-arsed way everyone involved goes about it - the GRATE MEN just snatch Dax in the middle of a public corridor and then slowly march back towards their ship, rather than just beaming there or whatever. Then the Ops crew just kind of stand there fretting while watching a live feed of the assailants making their getaway.

The sequence does lead to Bashir being punched in the face and having his head slammed into a wall, though, so it's not all bad.

[Blumf]

Dax S01E07

Oh god! Fuuuuck off, Bashir! When does this creep turn into a good character? I know it must happen, by the end of the show he's decent enough. Just hurry up!

New alien species, the Klaestron, seemingly designed by 1950s US car makers.

Little life hack: When some random group of shady people ask for you by name, deny it! Good news, stalking can be useful. Bad news, Bashir is decidedly not handy with his fists. Won't hit a woman, huh? Won't call for help before jumping in, either.

Middle, middle, middle... episode is basically an info-dump on Trills and their symbiotes. Nothing wrong with that, it's an interesting idea for an alien, and future episodes will make use of it.

Bajoran judge is decent. Classic no nonsense, down to earth.. er... bajor type. Notice the gavel it's just a spherical rock, like the Klingon judge has in ST6 : The Undiscovered Country. Is humanity the only species to develop gavel handles? Could a judge decide to use a rock like that in a real court today?

Sisko and Dax have a bit of an argument, and the Commander hold back from slapping a bitch.

Okay, with this and Bashir's earlier fight, I'm sensing a theme here, about hitting women. But I'm not sure of the lesson. Bashir should have got stuck in, that lady was clearly capable to giving it some, and this is the enlightened 24tth century, so all happy equality, yeah? How do we know Klaestron female are physically weaker than human males. I mean, how does this socially work anyway between different races. Klingon's are well hard, male and female, but they don't hold off hitting humans, maybe pull their punch a bit if it's nothing serious. Are most races fairly evenly matched?

Sisko is almost certainly right to hold back, however. But mainly because it's the wrong thing to do regardless, even if that was Curzon-Dax being all difficult and silent (I get the feeling Curzon-Dax wouldn't have let this mess blow up in the first place, though) So, what's the lesson? Is there a lesson?

Whatever, Odo channels his inner News of the World journalist, rummages around the Tandro family bins, and gets the inside scoop. Enina Tandro is a wanton hussy, full pics pages 7-8, but it's okay as Ardelon was a traitorous arsehole, and this whole thing is just a political cover-up. Dax is cleared, everybody's happy... kinda, not really. The end.

Not sure how to rate this. For an info-dump episode, it's not bad. Wasn't wholly convinced by the court argument (salt water!) but we get a useful grounding in the Trill/Symbiote life cycle. We see Odo's skills as a dogged investigator. Bit more background with Sisko/Curzon. It's all there ready for later use. Some good character work with the one-offs.

7/10


Not a classic, but a very good example of how to do this kind of thing.

[Zero Gravitas]

I'm surprised you don't have a pre-ganglionic fibre/post-ganglionic nerve counter going @daf I think it gets to at least 2.

Dax

It's hard not to see this as a really good bit of foundation building for Dax, they're re-building the confused mess of those bump heads from that TNG episode into the Janssen temple'd creatures of DS9.
But also hard to experience this as one would have done on first viewing - as well integrated as the intrigue and cuckoldry is - it's hard to get away from as has been so succinctly said "an info-dump episode" if I didn't know these facets were to be re-read multiple times and form the majority of the memory alpha article on trills - would I just view this as a fucky drama-crime-shame-trial weirdo of an episode?

Anyway - what that worm do tho?


If I was 12, which I was, or was 32 and had spent my entire life up until 1993 working as a star trek screenwriter, which I wasn't, I might view this man as the height of seductive prowess.


A woman!!


Get those hands off of me, I know what they've been wrapped around!


Emotional!

Channelling some of the much loved (was it at this point? or is that a more modern love?) Picard legalistic monologues in a Sisko style is a lovely switch, finally Brooks' DICT-ion works sets him aside from Picard's character, as even handed, canny and humble, in a way much better than punching Q did.

Gets seven contractual sexual assault goblins out of 10

Dax - 7/10

[daf]

I'm surprised you don't have a pre-ganglionic fibre/post-ganglionic nerve counter going @daf I think it gets to at least 2.

It did get a mention in "Q-Less" :

• Bashir Chat Up #4 : The Preganglionic Fibre Fascinator

But with a slight tweak . . .

• Ganglionic Gabble Counter  #1 :  Bashir's Pre-ganglionic Fibre / Post-ganglionic Nerve Oral Ordeal

. . . Voila!

[Lemming]

S01E08 - The Passenger

An obsessive police officer claims that her prisoner is still a threat to the station, even though he died hours earlier.

- Kira's stuck in a shuttle with Bashir! Worse, a distress call is coming in! Kira responds that "this is the Federation ship Rio Grande, we're on our way". Haha, "ship" is a pretty grandiose way to refer to a shuttle. And Kira's not even in the Federation, or Starfleet! Imagine you hear that a "Federation ship" is coming to rescue you, then some dinky shuttle shows up and a Bajoran militia member steps out. Desolation.

- It's some kind of prison ship, operated by a race called the Kobliad. Bashir revives one of the guards, who warns him not to let the prisoner she was transporting, named Vantika, out. Bashir opens the door regardless and finds some unconscious guy, who suddenly jolts awake, throttles him, and then dies. Great away mission!

- Back on DS9, the guard, Kajada, awakens. She immediately demands to see the Vantika's corpse, because she reckons he's faking it. She declares him FIT FOR WORK, despite Bashir's protestations that he's definitely dead.

- Kajada insists that there's a possibility that Vantika may be lurking as an anomalous lifeform detached from his body. Sounds like a security issue! Odo's on the case. Nah, just kidding, he's sitting at Quark's bar, getting into one of his many strangely-erotic bickering sessions with Quark. "I'm watching you, QUAAAAARK." Yeah I fucking bet you are mate.

- Lt George Primmin, Starfleet Security, is here to make sure Odo doesn't fuck everything sideways as he always does.

- In Ops, everyone shares their surprisingly deep knowledge of the Kobliad. They're dying from being too shit to live, and the Federation has tried to help, but we can't find enough of the deuridium that they need. Primmin waltzes into Ops and says he'll be taking over from Odo, for Odo is shit. Everyone circles the wagons around Odo, even though Primmin is pretty much on the money.

- Primmin goes to apologise to Odo, and they become BEST FRIENDS. Love this scene - Primmin says that he's sorry if he came across as disrespectful, and that he respects Odo's skills. Odo accepts the apology but takes the opportunity to twist the knife a little by reminding Primmin that he's a superb investigator who's got everything well under control and runs an absolutely airtight station. Then he sits down to discover that his case file - along with everything on the station - has been completely erased by a major security breach. Primmin's face says it all.


- Kajada appears out of fucking nowhere and says this is Vantika's doing.

KAJADA: He's alive. And he's on board this station. And his first thought when he came on board was to plan a way to access your security files on the deuridium shipment, which is exactly what he's done.
PRIMMIN: Even if he was alive, it doesn't make sense that he would purge an entire computer memory to go after a single file.
ODO: It makes perfect sense. Try to access the single file and you'd be stopped by a dozen different lock outs that I put in to protect it.

Just confirming that the ultra-shoddy security measures were indeed all Odo's fault.

- Sisko's not having this whole "ooh we're being haunted by Vantika's ghost" shit, so Kajada raises her voice at him which spooks him into agreeing with her and altering all his plans. This is a really tense and high-stakes scenario, so Odo picks this exact moment to resign from his position and create an absolute administrative nightmare for Sisko. Odo's dead-set on resigning and nothing will talk him down, except a 15-second speech from Sisko, after which Odo decides he's not resigning after all.

- Odo's back in charge of security. Guess what happens 30 seconds later. That's right, Quark is put in a chokehold and threatened by a shadowy assassin claiming to be Vantika.

- Dax has found a file in "van-TEE-ka"'s personal belongings, which shows a sick 3D spinning image of a brain. After thinking on it for a bit, Dax and Bashir reckon that Vantika has jumped into Kajada's brain. They take this theory to Sisko, with the incredibly encouraging qualifier of "we can't confirm any of this because we don't know what we're looking for or what's going on".

- They lock Kajada out of everything, which pisses her off and makes her go and complain to Odo. She demands to know if Quark's under surveillance, and Odo smirks and says "I always keep an eye on him". Hmm. Kajada decides to go to Quark's bar, where she's pushed off a catwalk by an assassin. Typical day on an OdoSecure™  station.

- Now quadraspazzed on a life-glug, Kajada can barely move or speak. Dax has done some more science shit and discovered that Vantika developed a way to transmit his consciousness to a new host on physical contact. Alright, why the fuck are we not keeping Kira, Bashir and Kajada under observation? Everyone just continues to assume it's definitely Kajada. Bashir and Kira don't even get a look-in, and NOBODY BOTHERS TO MENTION THIS NEW CONSCIOUSNESS-ON-CONTACT SHIT TO KIRA. Kira, who directly saw Bashir receive extended physical contact from Vantika at the exact moment of his "death".

- Quark goes to his BIG DEURIDIUM MEETING to meet with Vantika. Guess who's waiting for him - yeah, Bashir! Good job on this one, everyone, especially Odo.

- NOT AT ALLLLL, GENTLEMEN! I'VE BEEN WAAAAITING FOR YOU!

- Thank fuck Primmin was here. He's given the computers a proper looking-over, compared to Odo's shoddy work, and found a device Vantika planted to shut the whole station down. By the way, Odo did TWO full searches and fucking missed this.

- Everyone watches as Bashir and Quark leave in the Rio Grande to meet the deuridium sellers, and finally realise that Bashir's the possessed one. Quark's SHADY PALS murder the traders and then Bashr/Vantika takes command of their ship.

- What the fuck is Alexander Siddig doing?!?! "Hailing... us?" Is he fucking up every line as some kind of protest against the quality of the script? Anyway, DS9 catches the ship in a tractor beam.

- Bashir/Vantika says to "oh-pen a channel" to DS9. He says he'll release Bashir if Sisko shuts down the tractor beam. Everyone's shitting it but Dax develops an ANTI-VANTIKA EMP in like five seconds, which is fired along the tractor beam, forcing Vantika out of Bashir's mind.

- THE MOST EXCITING THING EVER FILMED FOR TV: Can Bashir lower the ship's shields in time to save himself, while Vantika battles to regain control of his body?! Exciting!!! The answer is yes.

- To finish up, Dax (who is clearly MVP today alongside Primmin) comes up with some wacky transporter trick to beam Vantika's consciousness out of Bashir and into a futuristic CD-ROM. Everything worked out great, and everyone apologises to Kajada (who's now healed) for fucking her around for so long. Sisko turns the Vantika CD over to her, and she vapourises it. Dax tries not to laugh.

The hell is Siddig doing? Seriously what's up with his performance? He's not even a bad actor usually, this had to be on purpose.

This is pretty dull, the "shit! which one of us is Vantika" stuff is weak since it's obviously Bashir from the moment Dax says that consciousness is transmitted by touch. What's really bizarre is that Bashir's not even featured that prominently in the episode. You could get a good story out of Vantika deliberately sabotaging the crew's investigation into him and trying to mislead them and all that, but he doesn't really do anything with Bashir's body until the big stupid final act. I suppose he messed up the DNA results, but I'm not even sure what they were going to prove anyway.

The big takeaway here is that Odo is absolutely laughable. Wow! I don't remember him being this shit! He fucks everything up, start to finish, has to be saved by Primmin, and also acts like a complete dick for the whole episode (though his praise of Primmin near the end was quite nice). His conflict with Primmin is pretty weird since I don't remember Primmin showing up again. The episode takes it for granted that you're on Odo's side here, so you get this weird situation where Sisko's a bit shirty with Primmin (who, in fairness, was out of line) but is comically gentle with the far more unreasonable Odo. Echoes of Picard treating the hapless Riker with extreme kid-gloves at all times.

Also this is the second time that Odo's given something a thorough checking-out, and someone else has subsequently, with a cursory glance, found an actual physical device with the power to cripple the entire station.

Quark gets away with something pretty shocking here, he's an accessory to the murder of three traders. Did he know his dodgy accomplices were going to do that? Or were the writers going for the feeling that his greed got him in over his head?

I really like the ending when Kajada executes Vantika and everyone just sort of stares at each other. I mean, yeah, the fuck are they meant to do about it? Already happened now and Kajada is walking off towards the docking ring, not much to do other than stare at each other and shrug it off. Dax looks like she's almost about to laugh to me, and like, yeah. Technically a prisoner just got executed, but it is kind of funny.

3/10



By the way, was Primmin meant to be O'Brien? Colm seems to have fucked off for a bit, he's not in this episode or the previous one. If they wanted Odo and a Starfleet officer to chafe against each other (phwoar), then O'Brien seems like a fairly likely candidate, and indeed Primmin's big heroic moment here is essentially of an engineering/tech nature.

[Chairman Yang]

My abiding memory The Passenger is how shit a job Alexander Siddig does playing the part of Raymond Vantica. I know it's going to colour my entire review and I can't help it. It's like watching a film about the Titanic. Every scene in this episode is haunted by the oncoming iceberg that is That Performance.

That said there isn't much to review. Here is yet another criminal/mystery episode with a weak plot and a comically inept Odo at the center. Bashir is conveniently unaffected by his ghost except for when he's off-camera. Vantica's many 'terrible crimes' are only vaguely alluded to. O'Brien is still at Grandma Keiko's incredible birthday knee-up. Thrilling stuff.

Also, who is Lt. George?! He's just some guy. I guess he's guarding the very important Spice shipment? Either way, he's toast. He sprung into existence 15 minutes ago and he'll be dead by the end of the episode. Mark my words...

- What the fuck is Alexander Siddig doing?!?! "Hailing... us?" Is he fucking up every line as some kind of protest against the quality of the script?

I guarantee you that's exactly what he's doing, the little tosser. Siddig pretty much admits he was a stroppy amateur in some interview or other. In his defence though the story is well crap. "There's a ghost". Aye, OK?

The episode eventually makes a pathetic attempt at misdirection by incriminating Primmin and Kajada but it's OBVIOUSLY BASHIR. You'd think Quark of all people would instantly recognise Bashir's voice and try and exploit that fact. Nope.

Embarrassing Scooby Doo-tier garbage.

2/10

[Chairman Yang]

Also, you have to love Sisko's command style.

PRIMMIN -> 'Now listen here, Mister. You're a Starfleet professional and I expect you to lick boot and get your job done. Dismissed.'

ODO -> 'I like you, Odo. I like how you're a useless arsehole. I like your smooth, soft face. No way I'm demoting you, you're too funny.'

[Zero Gravitas]

The Passenger

Ten exCELLenTLY Exec-Cuted Sid Digs out of TEN!





eurghhh, I have the worst headache.

There's nothing wrong with the idea of evil possession as a trek plot, Power Play in TNG was even closer to being straight up ghosts, VOY Warlord was great and actually gave Jennifer Lien something to do for a change, but there's the rub these along with the mirror episodes hinge on the performances and framing tone Siddig isn't really that much more subtle than visitor will be as the intendant in the upcoming mirror episodes, but without a body harness, tight leather pants and a tiara, it fails.

8 Sids short of a dig.



The Passenger - 2/10

[daf]

8 | "The Passenger"



Who's The Baddie?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Highlights
• Bighead Bashir's Scapular Nodes Sketch
• The Near-Death Neck-Squeezle Sketch
• Quark's Dax Delusion : "Smooth Pliant Flesh"
• Primmin : Starfleet's Security Shove-in
• Quark Gang's Secret Meeting Club
• The Death Dive Balcony Dangle
• Possessed Bashir's Baddie Bombshell
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Other Bits :
• Bonhomous Bailiwick Bonding Bros
• Deuridium Deposit Discussion
• Stabby Mc-Corpse Stab
• The Odo Couple
• Technobollocks : "Subspace Crossover Shunt"
• YELLOW ALERT!!
• Technobollocks : "Reflected EM Field"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

2/10

[Blumf]

The Passenger S01E08

Christ, what a dull episode. Can't be arsed talking about the story, it's boring.

Good bits:
I like Ty Kajada, the crazy psycho-cop woman. At least she actually takes her job seriously.
Primmin, although nothing much character-wise, it was nice to see him and Odo settle their differences and working together. A dumber show would have just stuck with them shouting at each other, because shouting == drama!! (People complain about Roddenberry wanting to avoid interpersonal conflict in the shows, but we've seen how dull and annoying always having characters arguing with each other all the time gets. That kind of forced 'drama' sucks. I think it was a useful constraint to put on the writers, force them away from the easy route. Shouldn't be a hard rule, of course)

Bad bits:
Everything else.

We've had this story done several times already, to greater or lesser success, so there's nothing new here to the seasoned viewer (Three the spring to mind: TOS:Return to Tomorrow is pretty good, TOS:Turnabout Intruder is a bit of stinker, but at least the (over) acting is fun, and later VOY:Warlord is great to see Lien get some real meat to work with. All of those I'd rate higher than this). What we get here is the barest whiff of a plot and Siddig going all wonky, when he actually gets anything to do other than being a blowhard prick.

What else is there to say. It's a bad story where everybody acts like idiots.

1/10


I feel like we should have had a semi-regular character in Odo's security team to relate to. It's like he's a one man operation, except occasionally some random beige-shirts show up and do nothing.

[Chairman Yang]

Memory Alpha offers us a tag-team of excuses for That Performance...

"It was right at the beginning [of the series run], you had to just do it in front of everybody you didn't know, and I had appallingly poor notice with the script. I was given it the day before. You need to prepare for that sort of thing."

"We had a very odd experience on the show. Siddig made a choice of a voice that didn't work for us. It was too Bela Lugosi-like, and we replaced his entire part with him again, but we had him do it a different way. We didn't really know if it would work or not, but it was fine."

So it's possible that with one day's notice Sid just decided to go 'BLEH HEH HEHHH' and deliver all his lines like Dracula? One day?! Maybe he was right to kick off.

[daf]

Listen to them. Children of the Wil Riker Jazzbone Band. What music they make!

[Lemming]

Berman describing the final outcome as "fine" is staggering. A fascinating insight into the mind of Rick "Quality" Berman. Can't imagine how Siddig's original Lugosi-esque performance could be worse.

[Zero Gravitas]

It snuck up on me, I hadn't realised what was next!

[Lemming]

S01E09 - Move Along Home

Sisko and his friends become trapped in a maze of deadly puzzles.

- Jake's growing up too fast! He wants to hang out with BAJORAN GIRLS! Sisko plans a robust intervention to un-fuck Jake's mind from extended Nog exposure.

- Put on the cute dresses, we're making first contact! Bashir's lost his dress, letting the side down immensely. The aliens we're meeting are the Wadi, and they're the uusal pack of tossers you always get in Star Trek. They breeze straight past the welcoming commitee and demand to be taken to Quark's, where GAMES await.

- QUARK... TAKE THE JUICE.

- The Wadi absolutely fucking dominate the Dabo table, long into the night. It's a disaster, Quark's getting cleaned the fuck out, so he cheats. He's caught instantly and intimidated by BIG MEN. Since he likes games so much, they're gonna make him play THE ULTIMATE GAME - Chula. There's a huge 3D structure with loads of layers, on which pieces are placed. When Quark's piece is put down, Sisko is suddenly teleported from his bed into a crazy room!

- All the usual "end program" shit fails, but at least he tried. He's in a cell with many doors leading out, but they're all locked, bar one. In another room, the Wadi leader stands yelling MOVE ALONG HOME at Sisko until he fucks off. Elsewhere, Bashir is screaming for help, which brings Dax, Sisko and Kira running.

- Nobody can figure this shit out. Bashir thinks we're rats in a maze. Kira immediately starts flipping her shit and having a go at Starfleet. Commbadges work, so we can split up and look around this absolutely bananas puzzle-palace.

- Odo, master of security, is visited by Jake, who reports that Sisko is missing. Odo waves Jake away, assuring him that the case of his father's disappearance is now in good hands. Odo bounds up to Ops and blames the whole thing on Primmin (hey, he's back!).

- In Quark's bar, Quark's made to play Chula without knowing what the fuck's going on. He rolls some dice, gets a shit result, and his pieces are moved to meet THE CHANDRA (from Magic the Gathering???). In the game, Sisko's party find a little girl playing hopscotch in one of the rooms. The girl ignores all questions. Kira gets electrocuted, and Bashir realises you've gotta do the hopscotch thing to get through un-fried - INCLUDING THE EMBARRASSING SONG. Cringe levels reach max as everyone is forced to do a dainty little dance with an excruciating little rhyme. Proper laughed at Kira doing the whole thing in monotone.

- Due to the team's success, Quark wins gems. Now he's got to pick their path - a short dangerous path (which doubles your winnings!) or a long easy path that sucks. Just as Quark's about to enter full-on copyright negotiations to secure CHULA TABLES for the bar, Odo comes in and asks Quark where the fuck all the senior staff have vanished to. Quark realises they're stuck in the game, and that he'll have to win in order to save their lives.

- Quark gets another shit roll and Sisko's team end up in a big Wadi gathering. Kira freaks out and starts yelling at imaginary game people while the room fills with poison. Bashir, the absolute MVP, realises the champagne is the antidote, and saves the entire squad.

- Odo's realised what's happening, and tells Primmin to do every scan at once to figure out what the deal is. He forces Primmin to BREAK FEDERATION LAW by helping him illegally raid the Wadi ship. Odo, who can turn into anything, decides that the stealthiest form he can take is the usual six-foot-tall humanoid he always is. The ship just teleports him back to Quark's bar, lame.

- WORST DIE ROLL EVER: Quark's pieces are attacked by the AGONY FIELD. It locks onto Bashir and whisks him off the board. Quark decides to go for the INSANE NEXT-LEVEL HIGH RISK DOUBLE-THE-STAKES OPTION which will get the remaining pieces home in one move if it works. Another shit roll forces Quark to sacrifice one piece to save the other two. He begs for their lives, and receives the WADI'S MERCY - they'll just kill a random piece themselves.

- Absurdly long rock-climbing sequence

- Everyone dies, Quark loses the game, and all the senior staff teleport back to the bar. Hahaha, sike! It's just a game! Nobody was ever in any danger!

I see why this one gets flak, but I really like the idea. It's not original but it's fun, and the hopscotch scene is gold.

I also think there's the outline of something quite clever and nicely subversive here - both the viewer and characters assume that Sisko's party are in danger and that if they die in the game, they die in real life. The Wadi never actually indicate that the game is anything other than the bit of timewasting lighthearted fun that it actually is, but because of the conventions of sci-fi, you (and the characters) assume that something sinister is going on, when it really isn't. When you know the reveal, it makes the preceding events even funnier - Quark getting genuinely distraught over being asked to lose one of his pieces, Kira going completely apeshit over being held captive, the huge extended sequence where Sisko refuses to leave Dax behind during the earthquake... all over a board game with no actual consequences. It's a nice way to play on the audience's expectations.

The outline is good and the concept is fun, the problems arise in bad pacing (the fucking rock climbing earthquake sequence) and the concept not quite being fleshed out properly - I get that the writers probably thought it'd be more cool and alien-esque if the rules of the game were never explained and Quark's die rolls and their effects were indecipherable, but it does make the episode kind of a drag to watch when the game has literally no pre-defined rules at all. I wish they'd explain, for example, how much agency Quark has vs how much Sisko's party has - if Quark fucks up and loses a piece, is the person out of the game for sure? Or does Quark just control the situations the party are put into, and then they can either succeed or fail based on their actions in the game itself?

The puzzles also suck - the hopscotch one is ok and leads to the best scene in the episode, but the poison-party one is shit, and the AGONY FIELD and rock climbing ones aren't even puzzles. With a rewrite to make some more memorable and clever puzzle rooms for the characters to solve (this was the heyday of Sierra and LucasArts adventure games, there was plenty of inspiration around), and a better handle on how the game actually works, this could have been very good. You know, give it some less-gory CUBE vibes.

4/10



I like how Sisko has a go at the Wadi at the end, even though they haven't done anything wrong as far as they know (quite the opposite, presumably they thought that playing Chula with their hosts was a good way to share their love of games). Polar opposite of TNG's "Liasions", where Picard is held captive and sexually molested by an alien diplomat and, at the end, has a good chuckle over the fascinating cultural exchange he's just experienced.

[daf]

9 | "Move Along Home"



Dax is the Brain, count to four.
Sisko is Lame, then three more.
Kira's Insane, if you can see.
Bashir's Inane, you'll come with me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Highlights
• Kinky Klon Peags Pervy Probe Stick Nixed
• The Dabo Deception Detection
• Horny Holosuite Hint : "Do you Have Sex on Your World?"
• Crystal Maze in Spaaaaaaaaaaace!
• The Allamaraine Hopscotch Singing Sketch
• Gas Guffawing Glass Guzzling Game
• Odo's Dicey Blow Job
• Quark Panicky Please Please Plea
• Collapsing Cavern Cliff-edge Creep-along
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Other Bits :
• The Sisko Sex Talk Threat
• Bashir Dress Uniforgotten
• Blue Brow Game Boys
• Sisko's McCoullough Missing Memory Musing
• Technobollocks : "Reactive Ion Impeller"
• PRIMMIN - The Legend Continues!
• Bashir's Wailing Wall Wakeup Worry
• Chopstick Clicking Chula Challenge
• "Oh, that's right, you were here for the grovelling."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

6/10

[Chairman Yang]

So Move Along Home is a holodeck episode. The senior staff get sucked off the station and Quark learns to rip people off less overtly. Whatever. I suppose I wasn't angry or upset watching it, so that makes a nice change.

Keiko's Grandma's Centennigasm enters its third week... what fucking stardates do these stories take place on?

I guess Lt. George survived last week's episode after all. I'm really looking forward to him making further appearances and growing to become a beloved supporting character.

The aliens we're meeting are the Wadi, and they're the uusal pack of tossers you always get in Star Trek.

Genuinely in tears over this line. 180 reviews in and throwing the entire show under a bus. Hahaha.

4/10

[Blumf]

Move Along Home S01E10

It's the Crystal Maze episode, but an Ed Tudor-Pole one. And this week, our team of quantity surveyors from Cannock have picked the Dull 90s Sci-fi Zone. Will they win the weekend of orienteering in North Wales? Come on, let's find out! (No)

Okay, yet another awkward first contact where the aliens are the bastards but we're all supposed to think it's okay and accommodate their self centred and inflexible customs. Well, I'll give them a bit of leeway here, as they were punishing Quark for being a cheat, but they had no excuse for dragging the command staff into that nightmare.

Speaking of which. They all seem to have gone to bed with their Tricoders on. I'm pretty sure they didn't have them on when they were welcoming the Gamma Quadrant twats on board. I'll accept the uniforms still being on, we don't want any more Trek sleepwear disasters:



<shudder>

As for the game itself. How does it actually work? I mean, you roll the dice, it selects a path/room in the holodeck bit, but then how do you see any indication on the board? It's clear you can't see who is who, as Quarks panicked pleading proves, and nothing seems to move or flash up any indication of what's happening. You just have to trust the twatty games master. Just random stuff happening, that's told to you after a long wait. Seems like a fairly boring experience, especially if you know everyone is safe. At least slot machines have flashing lights and sound.

Oh, and 'it's just a game', right? Except the people trapped in it are experiencing real pain and anguish. Kira damn near had a full on PTSD episode over being confined. Understandable given her history. If this was some Romulan scheme it'd be rightfully condemned (for being naff)

However, once knowledge of the game's safety comes along, it really does seem like it'd be as dull as those Crystal Maze centres that may still exist around the country, I don't know. Play it once, no need for a second go, oh and the hopscotch pads are always broken.

Eeh, it's not all bad. I liked the idea of teaching Quark a lesson. The head Wadi guy manages to do something with nothing. Just wish it was a better developed concept.

3/10


God speed, Lieutenant Primmin, we hardly knew ye. You will be mildly missed.

[Lemming]

S01E10 - The Nagus

The leader of the Ferengi appoints Quark as his successor.

- Ferengi episode! Everyone seems to hate these and, from what I remember, I'd largely agree, with one or two exceptions. Let's see how it goes.

- Sisko's got a TERRIFIC SURPRISE for Jake - a trip to Bajor (oh god) to attend the "Gratitude Festival" (oh god), which Kira (oh god) says is great! There'll also be time to visit the Fire Caves! Jake declines, because he's gonna be busy hanging out with Nog instead. Sisko's jealous that Jake's moving up in the world, and now has exactly one (1) friend who's not also his dad.

- Rom's got poor business accumen, and gets chewed out by Quark. In turn, he goes and yells at Nog. Shit rolls downhill! In comes some Ferengi called Krax, who's brought his dad, Grand Nagus Zek along. You've gotta suck his staff when you see him. The Nagus is here to play erotic videogames and sneer at people, and he's a very important man so you've just gotta let him go along with it.

- O'Brien's back, and we're back to DS9 season 1's true main plot: KEIKO'S SCHOOL. The children are roundly traumatised after spending five minutes with O'Brien as their substitute teacher. Nog has the unbelievable experience of being spoken down to by the man who used to clean the gunk out of the transporter tubes in transporter room four.

- While Quark shits himself at the prospect that the Nagus has come to buy the bar, Sisko asks O'Brien how his day at school went. O'Brien responds by going on a completely unsolicited anti-Nog tirade and insisting that Jake and Nog MUST be separated IMMEDIATELY, FOREVER.

- Why does Quark have dark purple-red rings around his eyes that no other Ferengi seems to have? Is he wearing eyeshadow or is he just perpetually knackered?

- At dinner, Zek compliments Quark on his prolific scamming portfolio. The conversation turns to what a prat Nog is for attending a Federation school, and Rom forbids him from going ever again.

- Tons of Ferengi are arriving on the station, but don't worry, Odo's "on it". The Ferengi congregate at Quark's, where Zek gives a speech about how it's time to start ripping the Gamma Quadrant off.

- Nog's life is an absolute car crash, so instead of going to school, he sits on the promenade being sad now. Jake finds him and tries to help, but receives a FACEFUL OF RACISM.

- Zek finishes his speech by announcing that he's stepping down and making Quark the new Nagus. Everyone flips their shit and storms out in protest.

- Jake now eats the Porridge of Sadness. Sisko tells him not to worry about the loss of his only friend, because who needs friends when you've got your dad who'll play baseball with you!!!

- Everyone's conspiring against Quark and plotting his assassination. He rushes to Zek to beg for help, who tells him to surround himself with trustworthy allies, then instantly dies. Got a proper laugh, reminded me of Buxomly in Blackadder 3.

- Odo comes swanning into Zek's funeral. Just be thankful he didn't turn himself into the fucking coffin or something. "When someone dies on MY station," he says, "questions must be answered!" He wants Bashir to do an autopsy, but that's not possible, because Zek's already been chopped up and vacuum-packed to sell in bits to collectors.

- Nog and Jake make up, and decide to be the first ever successful human-Ferengi friendship (but Bev almost did it in "Suspicions"!). We cut away to a scene in which Quark demands that Odo kiss his sceptre. This deliciously erotic interaction is broken up when a drone flies into the bar and explodes next to Quark's head, nearly killing him. Typical day on Odo's watch.

- Bashir's been having a look at "Kwork". Sisko and Odo decide now's a good time to interrogate him, and he tells them to fuck out of Ferengi internal affairs. Odo decides to rely on his favourite security trick - naming absolutely everyone who could possibly have sent the explosive, settling on a random one, becoming totally convinced that they're guilty, and absolutely obsessing over them.

- Look at that thing Quark's petting in the Godfather parody scene!

- SHOCKING TWIST: the explosive was sent by Krax and Rom! EVEN MORE SHOCKING TWIST: Dax has been a parent five times, and fucked it up each time!

- Sisko goes rampaging around to find Jake, to see what's so important that it beats his scheduled AUBERGINE STEW WITH DAD session. He power-walks to Jake's last reported location and overhears him teaching Nog to read.

- You couldn't make this up - Odo starts tailing the wrong fucking guy just because he's pre-decided that he's guilty. While Odo wastes time turning into a dildo, Quark is led into the airlock by Rom and Krax, who then seal him inside and prepare to FATALLY DECOMPRESS him. Luckily, Zek's back - he never died, but entered a SLEEPING TRANCE and faked his own death, so that he could test whether or not Krax was ready to succeed him as Nagus.

- For nearly killing Quark, Rom is promoted to ASSISTANT MANAGER. He is now ASS. MAN. ROM, with all the privileges that entails.

Not bad, not much to say about it. Shimerman's been fantastic with all material he's been given so far, and as far as I remember, he continues to be all the way through to the end. Love all the stuff with Jake and Sisko slowly figuring out what's really going on, it's the highlight of the episode.

5/10