Short story - O'SHAUGHNESSY'S GOLD

[non capisco]

Hi, everyone. My name's Greg and I'm a gambling addict.

Thanks for listening. Ah, where to start?

I've wasted so much money. God.

It's this one place I go to, the slots place on the high street. It's called Vegas Dreams. Yeah, all the glitz and glamour of Vegas in here, I tell you. Me and one other rheumy eyed old soak piling money into these slot games a tenner at a time while the perpetually hungover looking proprietor sits there with his stinking can of energy drink watching us and judging us while we justify him rolling out of his bed in the morning. Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away.

The other guy I see in there, the one with the fucked eyes, he's back and forth putting his money in all the different machines but I just play on this one machine, O'SHAUGHNESSY'S GOLD. For want of a better word the game is "hosted" by an animated leprechaun. I don't know if the leprechaun is O'Shaughnessy or if he's guarding the titular gold on O'Shaughnessy's behalf but one thing I can tell you is he's a chatty little cunt. Never shuts up from the moment you put your money in to the moment you leave the shop. No, not 'shop'. Shop's are where you buy things to take back with you. All I'm taking back to the flat from this place is a hollow sick feeling in the gut.

"AH, BEGORRAH! IT'S YOU AGAIN!" he says when you tap your card to spunk another tenner trying to get at his poxy gold. This one strikes me as a bit insensitive. I know I'm a bit of a repeat customer, leprechaun mate, no need to rub it in. Occasionally you win like a quid or 50p from the reel combination and he says "BETTER THAN NOTHIN', TO BE SURE!". When you win nothing, which is most of the time, he says "NEVER MOIND!". That's what you hear the most, in his dodgy Irish accent. "NEVER MOIND!" press button, roll again, clank clank clank, fuck all. "NEVER MOIND!" press button, roll again, clank clank clank, fuck all. "NEVER MOIND!" press button, roll again, clank clank clank, fuck all. "NEVER MOIND!" "NEVER MOIND!" "NEVER MOIND!" Yeah, well. I do moind. Really starting to moind now. I'm losing so much.

Very occasionally you'll get a surprise win. One thing that can happen is all of a sudden the leprechaun will jump up and proclaim "LET'S SEE WHAT OI CAN DO WITH ME MAGIC ARSE!" and then it pulls down its trousers and pants and farts green dust onto all the separate reel symbols so they change to a winning combination. It's rare that the whim strikes him to use his magic arse but you're always grateful when he does. Then he gives a little thumbs up and says "NICE WIN!" and winks. That's delightful. That's what I'm wanting to see. The "NICE WIN!" and the wink. It's lovely. It's sometimes actually moved me to tears.

Sorry, I've buried the lead here. I should have said. I lost my dad recently. About six months ago. Dementia, it was. That's why I've been in this slot machine place so much, spunking away so much of my take home pay. You see, the leprechaun's voice, that's him. I don't mean it reminds me of him. It is him. He did the voice for the leprechaun. Back when he was compos mentis. He was a mate of the developer who created the game. Instead of getting an actual Irishman to voice the little bastard, or at least someone who can do the accent, he got my dad. Who couldn't do an accent to save his life. NEVER MOIND!

When he says NICE WIN! and gives the little wink. That's almost worth all the money I've wasted. For that bit, for some reason he forgot to do the accent. So it just sounds like him. Once, I swear it said NICE WIN, SON! but it can't have done. It can't have done. I've lost so much. Fucking hell.

His mate got him to do the voice on another one, KING BANGO BONGO'S JUNGLE JACKPOTS, but they had to remove that. I think there'd been complaints.

[Ray Travez]

Enjoyed that, laugh-out-loud funny & a nice twist.

Played a lot of these games when I was matched betting. All seem to be generic & interchangeable- pick an Irish cliche and add something referring to a lot of money, so Shamrock Fortunes, Leprechaun Lucre, The Lucky Little Shitein' Pot O' Gold... you put the money in, and up pops a tiny twat in a green top hat with a ginger beard who says something like "Fiddle-Dee-Diddle-Dee-Dee, t' be sure!" As you say, really dodgy accent; borderline racist, or maybe just racist, I don't know. You're right about the farting on the reels business, that's exactly what they do!

[Cleveland Steamer]

That was great, funny and oddly moving. I'd love to read more of this sort of thing on here.

[poo]

Nice. Fucking hate that little leprechaun cunt.

[pancreas]

Loved the final line. And the previous ones.

[Vodkafone]

Nice, I liked the twist.