Helicopter (huge fuck-off variety) - advice please

[ccab]

Deep, methodical deliberation has left me realising something important. I need a helicopter. The appeal of quicker journeys, & the extra time for concubining & photoshopping they'd allow, is surpassed only by the sheer fuck-off flashiness of owning one. And for this reason, I don't want a piddly little 2-man bubble with it's poncy skates & ice-lolly stick tail. I want an enormous fucking helicopter. The kind you can host parties on. The kind you can use to ramraid skyscrapers. However, I'm not sufficiently upwardly-mobile, excuse the pun, & the long & the short of it is I can't afford one.

In the circumstances, there's only one sensible solution. I'm going to steal or extort one from a tiny third-world country. Has anyone here done this before? Is there anywhere in particular you'd recommend? What are the best techniques? What are the best means of slipping unnoticed back into Britain? & what other advice can you offer me?

Any help is much appreciated.

[Frinky]

Not that this is much help, but have you considered fuel costs after you get the chopper? That's mighty expensive. You might need to get it sponsered.

[smoker]

pffft fuck that, get yersen one of these fuckers:

http://www.futurehorizons.net/jetpacks.htm

[ccab]

have you considered fuel costs after you get the chopper?

Well no I hadn't actually, - that's a bloody good point. Can you think of any shortcuts? The only one I can think of (hijacking fuel tankers every time the juice is low) is slightly impractical.

[Gazeuse]

What you need is one of those ones with two rotors...Chinook, isn't it???

I bet you could have a huge "Saturday Night Fever" underlit dance floor on one of those.

[9]

We should all chip in and get a CAB helicopter. I reckon the Russians would do us one on the cheap. With Neil at the controls and Weekender operating a big gun at the back, strafing the peasants below as they grovel to be let aboard our gleaming chopper.

I've always wanted to land a helicopter upside down on the blades then spin like crazy. Though i imagoine this would take some practice.

[Nearly Annually]

Re: fuel costs - I believe you can get away with pissing in the tank for shorter journeys. Also, keep a pair of tights handy. Obviously helicopters don't have fan belts to replace, but it's always nice to have a pair of tights handy.

[Partridge's Love Child]

You can make your own with those seed things off oak trees, carboard and sticky-back plastic.  Paint it with gun metal pot paint, then wait for the chicks to queue up to suck you off.  I've done all of the above, especially the waiting.

[ccab]

Re: fuel costs - I believe you can get away with pissing in the tank for shorter journeys. Also, keep a pair of tights handy. Obviously helicopters don't have fan belts to replace, but it's always nice to have a pair of tights handy.

In case you accidentally land on a common somewhere?

Is that true about the piss? Do you have to drink anything special for it to work? I suppose not drinking anything at all so it comes out concentrated & peaty would probably get you further.

[Hairy Chin]

You can make your own with those seed things off oak trees

Acorns?

[Partridge's Love Child]

Yeah.  Them's the ones.

Sycamore trees, then, smart arse.

[Hairy Chin]

It's not often I get to feel smug about something...I shall relish this.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmsatisfying.

[Pinball]

I'd go for an Apache strike copter. Nice piece of kit. It'd be great to terrorise the locals at the weekend by doing low altitude fly-bys.

[5 minutes later Pinball gets intercepted by 5 Harriers from nearby RAF Odiham]

[neuteredcats]

Mike Smith & Sarah Green have got one going cheap.

I think its a bit of a patch up job though....

You could always try and make one!!!!!!

[fanny splendid]

I peer over the drawing board at the bricks.
I look around the drawing board at the canal.
I look under the drawing board, and kiss my mouse.

[joFFeman]

congratulations, ccab, you've made the US dept of homeland security 'terrorist watch list'!

[Pinball]

congratulations, ccab, you've made the US dept of homeland security 'terrorist watch list'!

heh just what I was thinking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Geej]

I don't know what people are worried about fuel costs for.
I've just watched the original of Dawn of the Dead.  and from the first half hour I have found out;
1. Helicopter fuel tanks last about 12 hours of flying
2. There are lots of handy places to fill up
3. nobody asks you for money for this fuel
4. Sometimes zombies will walk into your rotor blades

Therefore I think you should also pack a sponge to wipe the zombie goo from your helicopter windscreen.

Hope that helps!

[Pinball]

I don't know what people are worried about fuel costs for.
I've just watched the original of Dawn of the Dead.  and from the first half hour I have found out;
1. Helicopter fuel tanks last about 12 hours of flying
2. There are lots of handy places to fill up
3. nobody asks you for money for this fuel
4. Sometimes zombies will walk into your rotor blades

Therefore I think you should also pack a sponge to wipe the zombie goo from your helicopter windscreen.

Hope that helps!

Zombie films are a much maligned and under-appreciated educational resource.

[Capuchin]

What you will need:
to become an arms dealer middle-man who circumvents the UK arms trading laws by dealing in arms residing over-seas.

A weak lemon drink.


Now, utilising your contacts in the arms industry, negotiate the sale of a number of attack choppers. Find a third world country at war with itself, and offer to assist them by providing the choppers they need to quell resistance.
If you inflate the prices of the choppers, you will find that the extra cash will cover a chopper of your very own, which you will appropriate as a finders fee.
After suplying the country and aiding the government, you can hatch a deal whereby you sell them overpriced weaponry in exchange for a steady supply of fuel for your chopper.

I'd advise against drinking your weak lemon drink whilst flying.


Now you will need to build a helipad on the roof.