Joke Help

[I am weasel]

Hello you lot,

I remember in the dim and distant past that Fridays used to be 'joke day' on here, but I have a (stupid) request that's a day early.

I'm after 'misunderstanding jokes', - where a misunderstanding happens in the joke - and I need a fair few of them. So if anyone has any faves (or can think of any at all) I would be very happy if you'd share them here. See below for a classic (see crap) example:

A man walks into a pub with a giraffe. The giraffe lies down and the man goes to the bar. He says to the barman: "I'll have 2 pints of lager and a packet of crisps please". The barman looks at him, and then over to the giraffe and he says: "Sorry mate, you can't leave that lying there", to which the man replies: "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe"

That kind of thing please...

[untitled_london]

"It's not a lion, it's a giraffe"

i don't get it



hahahahhahaa

[Sherringford Hovis]

The classic involving two workmen, one with a great big mallet and the other holding a stout fence post at the spot where it needs to be driven into the ground. Labourer holding said stout post says to the fellow with the hammer:
"When I nod my 'ead, you 'it it."

(I think the workmen were Irish years ago when Dick Emery or someone similar first told this one, but what with developments in the supply and demand of casual cash-in-hand labourers, they're more likely to be Ukranian or Polish these days? Still funny, foreigners are always funny in English jokes.)

[smoker]

paddy and mick are walking through a forest when they see a sign saying: TREE FELLERS WANTED

paddy says, "sure t's a pity sean's not with us, we could have had that job

[I am weasel]

These are both excellent. (In a really bad way obviously).

I need more! Many many more....

Please!

[FrizzBit]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 Am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elomos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.

She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[Crazy Penis]

Three old women on an open top bus.

"It's windy today."
"No it's not it's Thursday."
"Yes I'm thirsty too, let's get off and buy a drink."

[Jet Set Willy]

An Englishman a Scotsman and a Chinaman turn up for their first day of work at a building site. The foreman wants them to erect a shed, giving the Englishman the responsibilty of reading the instructions, the Scotsman of following the instructions, while the Chinaman was put in charge of the supplies.

At the end of the day the foreman returns, only to find the Englishman and Scotsman sitting around, no shed in sight. They explain that with no nails or hammers there was nothing they could do. "Oi!" he shouts, "Where's the Chinaman gone, I put him in charge of the supplies"

"SUPLISE!!!" shouts the Chinaman as he leaps out from behind a bush.

--------------------------------

Ah ahha haha

Oh shite I really am abysmal at telling jokes... you get the gist, someone sort it out for me!

[Schlippy]

Mother superior's in the bath, when one of the nuns shouts up "there's a blind man here to see you, mother superior."

"Send him up", she shouts back, getting out of the bath. As the man is blind, she doesn't bother getting dressed before he comes in.

"Very nice" he says when he arrives, "now, where's the window?"

Never been quite sure why they're nuns, but hey ho.

[JesusAndYourBush]

Two nuns in the bath.
Nun1: Where's the soap.
Nun2: Yes it does, doesn't it.

[baptist]

Paddy and Murphy fishing in the canal.

Paddy: Hey Morph, Oi tink oi've caught a whale.

Murphy: Well what koind a whale is it?

Paddy: A boicycle whale.

Feck.

[Crazy Penis]

A man takes a crocodile into a pub. The bar manager tells him that he'll have to take it outside.
"Oh it's very tame, wont hurt anybody."
"well if you can prove it then he can stay."
"OK I'll prove it."
The man prized open the crocodiles jaw, got his cock out and put it in it's mouth. Then he raised one of his fists and slammed it down on to the crocodiles head and it's mouth slammed shut.
Everyone in the pub gasped and cringed.
The man opened the crocodiles jaw and removed his cock. He was completely unhurt.
"Would anyone else like a go?" He asked.
And an old woman at the back of the pub shouted "I will but dont hit me on the head so hard."

[mwude]

Two old men sat on a park bench on a summer's day.  One says: "It's nice out, isn't it?".  The other one says: "Is it?  I'll get mine out too then."

[FrizzBit]

Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctor's waiting room knitting.
One of them stops what she's doing and reaches into her bag for a bottle of pills and washes one down with some water. 'What are you taking? one of the others asks. 'Vitamin C,' she says pompously, 'I want my baby to grow up healthy.' This is fine, they go back to their knitting. Minutes later the second stops and takes out a bottle of pills and gulps one down. 'What are YOU taking?' the first Mommy asks. 'Iron tablets,' she says with a smile 'I want my baby to grow up big and strong.' Fine. Back to the knitting. Another few moments pass and the third woman takes out a bottle of pills and necks one. 'What are YOU taking?' The others ask her. 'Thalidomide. I can't get the arms on this fucking jumper right.'

Boom Tish.
Not sure if it quite fits the bill, but it makes ME laugh.