Ludicrous advice?

[robs_bro]

I just read this on the Nectar (loyalty card scheme) website. Does anyone know of any other similarly ludicrous advice?

"Collectors that are blind or partially sighted, please call the Nectar Helpline on 0870 4 100 100..."

[Mr Flunchy]

I once managed to advise my little brother to take up smoking to stay out of trouble at school.  Thankfully he said 'that's the worst advice I've ever got'.

[Mr Flunchy]

I just read this on the Nectar (loyalty card scheme) website. Does anyone know of any other similarly ludicrous advice?

"Collectors that are blind or partially sighted, please call the Nectar Helpline on 0870 4 100 100..."

Oh yeah, and there are plugins for browsers that read out webpages for blind people, so that's not entirely ludicrous.

[robs_bro]

Oh.

Well that's pissed on my chips, then, hasn't it?

I'm still adamant Tony's going to resign tomorrow though.

http://www.cookdandbombd.co.uk/forums/index.php?topic=2411

[gazzyk1ns]

Blind people can use telephones though can't they, that's what the two little plastic bumps are in between the 5 and 8 keys of the keypad on your mobile are for, to help them judge the location. Even without them they could use them, try it, close your eyes and you can still work out where the keys are.

I think the most ludicrous thing I've read here is that you were reading the Nectar card website!

[Space ghost]

I can access the Nectar website in an official capacity cos of my job and bugger about with peoples point allocations and profiles as I see fit.That is all.

[PhuckNose]

Seen at the base of an escalator in Crawley...

"All dogs must be carried (including guide-dogs)"

...That the sort of thing you mean?

[@ssmaster]

Those competitions that are on sweets wrappers. 'No Purchase Necessary' nice to see that shop lifters can enter as well.

[23 Daves]

I seem to remember seeing a flyer handed out by a London council not too long ago that had the following written on it:  "IF YOU ARE BLIND, PLEASE CALL THE FOLLOWING NUMBER FOR AN AUDIO VERSION OF THE INFORMATION CONTAINED ON THIS LEAFLET".

I don't know what was worse, that or the fact that they'd printed out that part of the leaflet in REALLY BIG BLOCK LETTERS, just in case that helped.  

And remember, if you do get trapped in your flat, try not to get trapped in your flat.

[NobodyGetsOutAlive]

I can access the Nectar website in an official capacity cos of my job and bugger about with peoples point allocations and profiles as I see fit.That is all.

Ah yes, nectar. Worked for their helpline ages ago, right waste of time that awards scheme turned out to be. You have to have spent about £4000 on your Barclaycard to get a free Big Mac Meal.

[Space ghost]

I know,its a load of old rubbish really.I never bother debiting peoples points from there accounts any way,its far to much hassle.My mum now has absolutley loads of nectar points though for some reason....

[Timmay]

Those competitions that are on sweets wrappers. 'No Purchase Necessary' nice to see that shop lifters can enter as well.

To enter the competition without purchasing the product, you can just write to the competition organisers, and request a go. They allegedly open a can/wrapper on your behalf, and tell you if you've won or not. Allegedly.

[grundie]

Theres the classic one about the bag of nuts with "Caution, contains nuts" written on it.

[Schlippy]

Near to where I grew up in Wales, a farmer had hung a sign from a tree which read "please do not throw stones at this notice".

[Big Jack McBastard]

To enter the competition without purchasing the product, you can just write to the competition organisers, and request a go. They allegedly open a can/wrapper on your behalf, and tell you if you've won or not. Allegedly.

Just think of the poor bastard whos job that is. Well actually if you think about it they probably spend all day eating unwrapped chocolate in an office somewhere and pocketing the prizes either way, jammy swines.

[Mister Six]

So if you phone up to have a free go, can you just keep requesting more and more bars be unwrapped until the person finally breaks down and gives you a prize to shut you up?

[gazzyk1ns]

In my summer job jast year, I was using a large chainsaw - there was a warning sticker on it which said "Warning - chainsaws can be hazardous".

[@ssmaster]

[PhuckNose]

On cigarette lighters..."Danger, do not ignite close to face!"

On sleeping tablets..."May cause drowsiness."

[butnut]

Theres the classic one about the bag of nuts with "Caution, contains nuts" written on it.

That's like the pure orange juice one - ingredients: Orange Juice.

[dan dirty ape]

Or the packet containing a kid's Superman costume

WARNING:- Does not enable wearer to fly

[butnut]

Or the one on a packet of cocaine:

Does not make you really interesting and/or sexually appealing.

[Santa's Boyfriend]

"To apply for a grant from the student dyslexia fund, simply fill in this form..."

"Keyboard not detected.  Press F1 to continue."

[@ssmaster]

I saw a warning on a packet of whiskey flavoured condoms.

"Do not use when driving".

Presumably you will get done for drink driving if you do.

[Crazy Penis]

I like to add "this is not an instruction" to those "wet paint" and "wet floor" signs.

[fanny splendid]

So if you phone up to have a free go, can you just keep requesting more and more bars be unwrapped until the person finally breaks down and gives you a prize to shut you up?

No, it's just one per household.

They offer you a free go because in actual fact, they're not charging you for entering the competition, just for the purchase of the sweets or drinks.

If they charge you for entering a competition, then I think that's considered a lottery, or something, and they need a license, and also I think it has ramifications on their tax liability, too.

Someone will be along in a while to both clarify, and debunk what I have just written. Please hold...

[Bogey]

I saw a small sign on a wall in Dubin which simply read, "Temporary Sign".

[monkhouse terror]

If any of you ever decide to come to Malvern on the train to visit all of us weird country folk, when you arrive at Malvern Link station make sure you take note of the sign on the stairs that says 'Beware of the Stairs'. The last time I didn't take note of it, with disastrous consequences.

[Morrisfan82]

I saw a warning on a packet of whiskey flavoured condoms.

"Do not use when driving".

:thumbsup:

From the perpetually amusing engrish.com:

[MojoJojo]

I don't know what was worse, that or the fact that they'd printed out that part of the leaflet in REALLY BIG BLOCK LETTERS, just in case that helped.  

People who have severly impaired vision out number the completely blind by about 10 to one, or someother quite high ratio. I did a bit of volunteer work in a Blind charity shop (which, amusingly, was next door to a shop that sold blinds). Everything is painted white with coloured tape along the edges of everything, to help those who just have poor focus etc..

Paintstripper: Not to be used as hairdryer...

Hang on, these aren't really advice are they, they're just the old product warnings again.

I once adviced a friend on his birthday that he had to drink the pint of all the spirits mixed together to maintain his honour and dignity....