Being a witness in court

[Nuclear Optimism]

Oo-er. It looks like I'm going to have to give testimony in an embezzlement trial. I don't have a fucking clue how any of this works.

Has anyone given evidence before? What happens? I've only ever seen American courtroom dramas, which probably aren't 100% accurate for over here. Here are my main questions:

• Do I have to swear on a Bible to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
• What alternative books can I swear on?
• When do I have to tell them I don't want a Bible? Do they give you a choice before you go on, or do you have to organise that in advance?
• Are the prosecution going to be really mean and accusative, as if I've done something wrong?
• Are the defense going to be really mean and accusative, as if I've done something wrong?
• I don't even really know what (allegedly) happened. What should I put in my written statement?
• What happens if I miss my plane or something and show up late? Will I get done for contempt?
• Can I claim expense for travel and work missed? How?
• Does the judge really wear a funny wig?
• What happens if I get sick all over the dock?

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Make yawns that sound a bit like Chewbacca inbetween questions and non-committal grunts and murmurs when you get asked something. 'Mmmnnneeehhh' says far more than a real sentence.

[jutl]

Remember that when  they say 'bear witness' they almost never mean an actual bear. Don't mistake it for 'bare witness' either, as this is contempt.

[Jim_MacLaine]

DO NOT LIE.

Otherwise, this might be useful.

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/crimejusticeandthelaw/goingtocourt/dg_070444

[biggytitbo]

If you don't want to do it then hide in a cupboard and hope that somehow everything turns out ok.

[Gurke and Hare]

Oo-er. It looks like I'm going to have to give testimony in an embezzlement trial. I don't have a fucking clue how any of this works.

Has anyone given evidence before? What happens? I've only ever seen American courtroom dramas, which probably aren't 100% accurate for over here. Here are my main questions:

I had to give evidence in a careless driving trial once (except the bloke changed his plea to guilty on the day, so I didn't) and a few weeks before the trial I was sent  a load of information in the post. I assume the case you're involved with is in its early stages and I'm sure they'll send you the same information. As for your specific questions, you don't have to swear on the bible, you can choose to swear on a different religious book or if you're an atheist you can choose to affirm (which is essentially the same, but without a religious book, you just promise to tell the t, the whole t and nothing but the t).

Who's going to shout at you and be accusative depends on whether you're a witness for the defence or the prosecution. The first one who asks you questions will ask questions designed to help you tell your story, the second one will try to find holes in that story. Remember that you're not on trial, so as long as you simply tell the truth and answer all the questions honestly you have nothing to worry about. That you don't really know what happened isn't important, as your evidence will just be a part of an overall story, so you can just stick to what you know.

As for missing your flight, if you don't turn up or are late due to circumstances beyond your control then don't worry, they'll take that into account. If you just fancy a lie in, they won't be hugely impressed.

Yes, you can claim expenses and loss of wages - there should be a form with the information they send you.

Yes, the judge does wear a silly wig. Don't giggle at it, that probably will be contempt of court. Of course, now I've said that there's no way that you won't.

[mook]

don't worry about it, you'll be "got to" before you even set foot in the court.

[The Roofdog]

It's a great opportunity to make a new friend by contacting the defendant on facebook to tell them you'll get them off the hook if they come with you on your annual caravan holiday to Rhyl.

[rudi]

• Do I have to swear on a Bible to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Not necessarily the bible but you do have to agree you'll tell the truth, yes.
• What alternative books can I swear on?
Doesn't have to be a book. STOP FIXATING ON BOOKS.
• When do I have to tell them I don't want a Bible? Do they give you a choice before you go on, or do you have to organise that in advance?
In advance. They get a bit pissy if you decide just beforehand.
• Are the prosecution going to be really mean and accusative, as if I've done something wrong?
Depends on who called you. If you're a witness for the defence then yes. Their job will be to discredit any previous statement you may have made, to make you appear unreliable and, perhaps, a bit of a liar. The other side will just want you to give the facts and not appear a sweaty criminal.
• Are the defense going to be really mean and accusative, as if I've done something wrong?
"Defence". See above
• I don't even really know what (allegedly) happened. What should I put in my written statement?
The truth.
• What happens if I miss my plane or something and show up late? Will I get done for contempt?
Potentially yes. Don't don't show up.
• Can I claim expense for travel and work missed? How?
Yes. Can't remember.
• Does the judge really wear a funny wig?
Depends on the court.
• What happens if I get sick all over the dock?
You'll look a massive twat.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.
It's fine (and quite fun in retrospect). You'll not see much oif the trial though, you sit in another room for most of it. Take a long book.

[Consignia]

It's fine (and quite fun in retrospect). You'll not see much oif the trial though, you sit in another room for most of it. Take a long book.

Yeah, being on the jury is much better. You get to watch the whole thing, and make a verdict at the end. I found it a brilliant experience to see aspects of society I hadn't seen before.

Anyone giving evidence has to swear to tell the truth, but you are given the choice of holy book, or you get to take a non-secular statement.

[The Duck Man]

Be warned! If David Mitchell and Lee Mack start to question you, with Rob Brydon presiding: this is not a court! That is the popular BBC One panel show Would I Lie To You?

[Dead kate moss]

This is a great opportunity to not allow the criminal (he probably did it) to get all the attention because he did something wrong. Show him crime doesn't pay by making it more about YOU. Start with a few jokes, nothing too 'blue' but feel free to 'banter' with the Jury - after all they are probably bored out of their minds. Play to your strengths as an entertainer, if you are a skilled ventriloquist, the court will be in stitches. If you have no comedic skills, write a poem about your childhood that will make everyone cry. Perhaps a game of I Spy as everybody loves that. If all else fails do a moonie and shout racist abuse as you are removed from the court. Hope that helps.

[shiftwork2]

Ask for your 17 other offences to be taken into consideration.

[Nobody Soup]

watch my cousin vinny, it's a treasure trove of tricks they might use.

did you have the grits? BUT DID YOU MAKE THEM YOURSELF USING REAL GRIT?

[SockPuppet]

I was offered 'witness protection' once.

It seemed to entail being told where the 'secret door' to enter the court was and, once inside, I could hide behind a screen to give my evidence.

I declined this because I am fucking rock. That and the fact the suspect was told he could not approach me before the trial and was given my name and address just to make sure he knew who not to approach.

He changed his plea to guilty at the last moment and that was that. I later received a letter from the police telling me that I was a good citizen.

Oh.

[kaprisky]

Yeah, being on the jury is much better. You get to watch the whole thing, and make a verdict at the end. I found it a brilliant experience to see aspects of society I hadn't seen before.

Anyone giving evidence has to swear to tell the truth, but you are given the choice of holy book, or you get to take a non-secular statement.

The bit before you get called up to be on a jury is torture though. You've got to sit in the jury holding room for hours, until lunchtime, waiting for your name to be called, and then again in the afternoon until you are dismissed. You can't go for a piss. Once on a jury though, it's a breeze.

One thing that gets you when you first enter the courtroom is how many people there are: up in the public gallery, down on the floor behind the defence/prosecution teams. You feel they are all looking at YOU, even though you are just there through no fault of your own.

All I can recommend to the opening poster is to relax and speak up. The jury will probably be bored by the time you come up so give yourself a bit of presence.

[Hank Venture]

Whip your cock out, use it like a gavel. Order! Order!

They love that.

If you don't want to do it then hide in a cupboard and hope that somehow everything turns out ok.

Make sure there's no mirrors in there, you wouldn't want to be reminded of your bald spot when you're in your Happy Place.

[mook]

Whip your cock out, use it like a gavel. Order! Order!

They love that.

.

no they wouldn't, they'd think he was an american or something nasty - we don't use gavels here, probably for safety reasons what with the danger of them getting caught up in the wigs.

[Gurke and Hare]

The bit before you get called up to be on a jury is torture though. You've got to sit in the jury holding room for hours, until lunchtime, waiting for your name to be called, and then again in the afternoon until you are dismissed.

Otherwise known as "relaxing with a good book". It's loads better than work, and the hours are shorter, they'll probably let you go home at about 4.

You can't go for a piss. Once on a jury though, it's a breeze.

You totally can go for a piss.

[biggytitbo]

If i was there it'd be a hung jury.

[Welshy]

Always remember to address the Judge as if he was an old school friend, enter the court with a thumbs up and one of those ' yeah you've done well for yourself son but don't forget we used to practice snogging on eachother' kind of looks. Post your email up here and I'll send you the look.

[QDRPHNC]

Stop being a pain in the arse and swear on the Bible. In your case, it has the added bonus of not meaning anything at all, so your can perjure freely.

And try not to call the judge "dad".

[SockPuppet]

embezzlement

As this comes under Common Law you will be required to listen to Here Comes the Judge by Pigmeat Markham before taking the stand.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvMBxlu62c0

[Dead kate moss]

I will give you ten pounds if you manage in court to deny the holocaust/rap your testimony/quote Ten Shades Of Grey/kill a spider.

[SockPuppet]

Ten Shades Of Grey.

Fifty for us real men....

[Dead kate moss]

Ha that was a test you perv-woman!

[Nuclear Optimism]

Some good replies cheers guys. I've been called by the prosecution by the way. My boss is going to kill me.

[rudi]

Otherwise known as "relaxing with a good book". It's loads better than work, and the hours are shorter, they'll probably let you go home at about 4.

You, my friend, have the wrong job...

[Nuclear Optimism]

I'm going to ask to swear on Brave Two Zero by Andy McNab.

[Brundle-Fly]

I attended a trial last year and was surprised at how much it was like a TV drama. The judge was exactly like Donald Sinden and the be wigged counsels really did stride up and down with their thumbs under their lapels, saying things like, 'M'lud,' and 'I put it to the jury' and "I object."  I half expected John Hurt to take the stand and shout in a Welsh accent, "It wasn't me. It was Christie who done it!"