The Citizenship Test

[Santa's Boyfriend]

There's a sketch I've occasionally thought of writing, in which the current government decides to roll out the citizenship test to everyone in Britain, to sort out who's really British and who's just pretending.  Experts would predict that as many as forty million people may be forcibly expelled from the country as a result of failing the test, which requires knowledge such as the dates of St George's and other saint's days, the exact percentage of different minorities in Britain, and other interesting but generally useless information.  The point is, of course, obvious.

The Citizenship test exists mainly to placate Daily Mail readers who are afraid of people coming here and not taking part in British life, whatever that means.  But the Citizenship test does nothing to help this, it's simply a useless test that people have to take in order to get their citzenship.  (The test itself costs £50, but the course and revision materials cost quite a lot more than that.  And there's no financial help.)

But now that wonderful Humanist Theresa May wants to make the test "more patriotic", removing more useful study information on what your human rights are, how to contact a local council, how to claim benefits, get national insurance and other practicalities, and replace them with questions on Shakespeare and the ability to recite "God Save The Queen".  In other words, making it even more useless than it was before.

Here's the skinny:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2012/jul/01/uk-migrants-patriotic-citizenship-test

The whole thing is laughable really. 

[KnuckleSupper]

John Harris has drawn up an Alternative British Citizenship test in today's Guardian.

As we love an interactive quiz on this forum you can have a go here. I got 11/15 and am feeling ver' ver' British.

Almost as British in fact as these chaps,

Spoiler alert

who are in fact Americans

[close]

:

SuperEgo S3 E3 - M and Bond

[thenoise]

Yup, the idea of citizenship of a country being determined by your marks in a fucking trivia test is still as ridiculous as it always was.

[Lyndon]

John Harris has drawn up an Alternative British Citizenship test in today's Guardian.

As we love an interactive quiz on this forum you can have a go here. I got 11/15 and am feeling ver' ver' British.

That is a great score. I got 9 and was surprised at that, there was only 2 that I actually knew - The Peasant Rebellion and Panic.

[KnuckleSupper]

That is a great score. I got 9 and was surprised at that, there was only 2 that I actually knew - The Peasant Rebellion and Panic.

I'm going to admit to a fair amount of guesswork. Think I knew about 7 for definite.

Yup, the idea of citizenship of a country being determined by your marks in a fucking trivia test is still as ridiculous as it always was.

I can see the intent in the test. I would generally agree that it's good to know something about the history and culture of a country in which you wish to settle. The hamfisted way in which it's been implemented is a farce though - see Norman Tebbit's LBW law or whatever it was that that malevolent creaking cadaver suggested.

[SockPuppet]

Language proficiency is the only test that people need.

But again, you'd be asking immigrants to do a test that many of the native speakers couldn't pass.

[Icehaven]

I got 12 on ya Pommie test, ya flamin gallahs. That's right I'm Spanish.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I think the test of whether someone should be allowed in the UK should be determined upon whether they can correctly identify Norman Tebbit to be a cunt.

They have 10 seconds.

[SockPuppet]

One question is enough:

Are you completely ethically and morally bankrupt?

If they tick 'yes' a hologram of Peters and Lee singing Welcome Home kicks in and they get a stamp in their passport.

[biggytitbo]

Here's the real test. Cunt or not?

1:


2:


3:


4:


5:



Answers:

Spoiler alert

1, cunt. 2, cunt. 3, cunt. 4, cunt. 5, cunt. If you don't have 5 cunts on your paper than a) you're not British, and b) You're a cunt.

[close]

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

I scored 5 cunts and hope to butter up the adjudicant by drawing a cartoon of a stag goring the german squatter to death.

[Harpo Speaks]

May also wants to drop sections of the official Life in the UK: A Journey to Citizenship handbook, which explains things such as the Human Rights Act and how to claim welfare benefits and give details of managing everyday life such as reading the gas meter, getting home contents insurance or dealing with the local council.

So, things that are of actual practical use to people who are new to the country then? Excluding potentially useful information in order to make room for meaningless fuckery that is apparently integral to some nebulous idea of 'Britishness' - it's utterly nonsensical. Great to see a helpful link between immigration and benefits being made as well there.

Next time EDF ask me for a meter reading I'll just carve the first verse of the National Anthem into my chest using the plastic remnants of a Spitfire Airfix model and then press myself up against my front door. Saves putting the little card out.

[biggytitbo]

I scored 5 cunts and hope to butter up the adjudicant by drawing a cartoon of a stag goring the german squatter to death.

That doesn't surprise me, you're a true British thoroughbred.

[Johnny Yesno]

Here's the real test. Cunt or not?

You forgot

I mention him in particular since he's announced he's 'prepared to halt immigration of Greeks into UK'.

David Cameron is prepared to override Britain's historic obligations under EU treaties and impose stringent border controls that would block Greek citizens from entering the United Kingdom, if Greece is forced out of the single currency.

The prime minister told MPs that ministers have examined legal powers that would allow Britain to deprive Greek citizens of their right to free movement across the EU, if the eurozone crisis leads to "stresses and strains".

In an appearance before senior MPs on the cross-party House of Commons liaison committee, the prime minister confirmed that ministers have drawn up contingency plans for "all sorts of different eventualities".

The worst-case scenario is understood to cover a Greek exit from the euro, which could trigger a near-collapse of the Greek economy and the flight of hundreds of thousands of its citizens who are currently entitled to settle in any EU country.

The prime minister said Britain is prepared to take measures to avoid a major influx of Greek citizens. "I would be prepared to do whatever it takes to keep our country safe, to keep our banking system strong, to keep our economy robust. At the end of the day, as prime minister, that is your first and foremost duty."

Asked by Keith Vaz, the Labour chairman of the House of Commons home affairs select committee, whether he would restrict the rights of Greek citizens to travel to Britain, the prime minister said he would be prepared to trigger such powers.

"I hope it wouldn't come to that," he said. "But, as I understand it, the legal powers are available if there are particular stresses and strains. You have to plan, you have to have contingencies, you have to be ready for anything – there is so much uncertainty in our world. But I hope those things don't become necessary."

Theresa May, the home secretary, confirmed last month that the government was examining contingency plans but indicated that she did not see any "increased movement". May told the Andrew Marr Show on BBC1 on 10 June: "So far ... we're not seeing any trends in any increased movements despite obviously the significant problems already economically in a number of eurozone countries. But I think it's right that as a government across the board, we look at the contingency arrangements that you know might be needed in these circumstances."

In his appearance before the committee, the prime minister also appeared to give the impression that he might abandon plans to publish the tax affairs of senior cabinet ministers. His remarks came after former Labour minister Margaret Hodge asked whether the government would publish details of so called "sweetheart" tax deals between the HMRC and large companies.

Cameron promised to write to Hodge after considering the matter. But he added: "The fact that we have taxpayer confidentiality is hugely important. Imagine the dangers of politicians fiddling around with each other's tax affairs. It just doesn't bear thinking about."

It is understood that the prime minister will publish limited tax details of a handful of senior cabinet ministers by the next general election in 2015. Cameron is understood to feel he has to follow the "Boris precedent" – the commitment by the London mayor in the recent election to publish his tax details – though it is expected that the prime minister will publish a redacted version of his tax return.

[thepuffpastryhangman]

I saw that, and I thought, 'Quick question Johnny', then I remembered you don't take questions. But anyway...(to rephrase the classic) whose jobs do the Greek economic refugees take? Or maybe you believe they're net wealth importers? Would you just add them to end of the social housing queues, or, let families jump over single people who've maybe been waiting for years? That's plenty for you to ignore for now.

EDIT - I heard the Cameron's Wall stuff suggested some while back when it first started looking rough round the Aegean. To be fair I can't see it coming into play. We're not facing a Greek invasion. But that's not why you think Cameron's a cunt for suggesting he might slap a limit on 'em I assume, hence the above questions.

[KnuckleSupper]

Biggy's Cunt list

1. Cunt

2. Cunt

3. 'ERGRACIOUSMAJQUEENLIZGAWDBLESS'ERLUVVERDUCK

4. Cunt

5. Cunt

[olliebean]

You forgot

That's an insult to cunts. We need a new word for him.