Shirking.

[rudi]

Do have mountains, eagles, free wine, silence, clean air, good friends, good food, empty roads, the wild outside[nb]Which is nice.[/nb]. :-)

I have them and a big house. I WIN THE INTERNET[nb]ah no, I don't have the free wine. Hmm, need to rethink life[/nb].

I nearly killed an eagle yesterday entirely by accident. Gave us both quite a start I must say.

I did kill a rabbit yesterday but that only shocked one of us; the other was too dead to express any kind of reportable reaction, to be fair...

[rudi]

didn't you herberts see this coming when you were at school? the resigned look of "oh here we go again" on the teacher's face as they plodded into the classroom and flopped their folders on the desk and tried with all their might to turn their beaten expressions into "the joy of learning". didn't that fill you with contempt at what you were being subjected to? christ, can you imagine, a whole life from the age of 4 until whenever the fuck you retire just trading one desk to another. pretty woeful way to spend your time.

You'd be first to admit you got kinda lucky getting into the whole contract thing at a perfect time, though, mookle. Were you less blessed, would you give up your nice things to carry on being a charming bum or would you rather have the nice things and have to still be working to afford them?

[Clatty McCutcheon]

Some glob of human oatmeal in a suit phones me to demand a report that is not, in fact, my job, and then gets shitty with me? I take a glass scribe over the scan bed of the main photocopier.
Alan fucking Wilson barks orders at the pregnant lass and makes her cry? I squeeze fish paste into his computer and the trainers he keeps in the changing room.

Human oatmeal? Human oatmeal??!  What kind of insult is that?  Oatmeal is a nice thing. 

Alan fucking Wilson, on the other hand.  I can't believe that big lump of fucking .........MUESLI is still at it.

[jfjnpxmy]

How do you avoid getting caught?

It's a big building full of people who don't really know who I am, there's no CCTV and a few folk who do know who I am turn a blind eye.

Unless, of course, they're on to me and just gathering evidence for a real bastard of a legal action.

[tookish]

It's a big building full of people who don't really know who I am, there's no CCTV and a few folk who do know who I am turn a blind eye.

Unless, of course, they're on to me and just gathering evidence for a real bastard of a legal action.

I can see how you could get away with sticking bits of sellotape about without too much of a fuss being kicked up, but putting fish paste in someone's computer? Surely they'd realise fish paste doesn't spontaneously ooze its way into a computer, and try to get someone into trouble for it?! Do emails go around and you just never get caught, or is it completely ignored?

[jfjnpxmy]

I can see how you could get away with sticking bits of sellotape about without too much of a fuss being kicked up, but putting fish paste in someone's computer? Surely they'd realise fish paste doesn't spontaneously ooze its way into a computer, and try to get someone into trouble for it?! Do emails go around and you just never get caught, or is it completely ignored?

Mostly emails go about and nothing is done since everyone's overworked and nobody really has the time to investigate, and a lot of it seems to be chalked up to people being careless rather than active malice (the average SSE employee is basically mould with a tan, so it's not inconceivable that they would gash a photocopier scan bed, flip the breaker for the phone server or break a doorhandle off by accident). Some of it, like the fish paste thing, seems to be brushed to one side due to the management not wanting any particular scrutiny on them - Alan fucking Wilson, for example, will be totally fucked if anyone starts taking an interest in why he's in an office shouting at preggers ladies when his travel expenses suggest he was in Inverness at the time. And I suspect some of it is due to the fact that randomly demolishing your workplace is not normal. It's a thing that Mentals do. And although there's some days where keeping a human face on my tangled web of neuroses and hatreds is an effort, I apparently don't come across as a Mental, so the Eye of Scrutiny sweeps over me. Until they eventually catch me with an Allen key and a pocket full of bolts from toilet cubicles, I suppose.

[Small Man Big Horse]

I would like to live vicariously through you. Tell me about times you've shirked and skived and connived.

One morning I couldn't face going in to work so I phoned in and told them I'd been up all night vomiting and shitting, they didn't really believe me until I told them that it was due to eating one of those all day breakfast in a can things, but after that they were suddenly quite sympathetic. Probably due to the fact they realised they were paying me so little that I had to get by on 'food' like that a lot of the time.

Back in 1992 I was over at a female friends house and she announced that she would never, ever have sex with me. Which was a shame, as I'd heard a lot about sex and wanted to try it out, but she had a boyfriend and so I never thought we actually would. But then she suggested we have a bath together. Having never seen a naked lady before, and wondering where this might lead to, I agreed, only for her boyfriend to come home five hours early. He'd forced himself to eat five sachets of salt when no one was looking, and then vomited all over the office. Fortunately we were still clothed at this point, so he never knew I was about to see his girlfriends naked nipples. But I'll never forgive those salt sachets for ruining my afternoon.

So, erm, yeah, either pretend you've been sick due to cheap food, or force yourself to be sick. Either way should work fine.

[tookish]

jfjnpxmy, I really, really want to believe your tales of Machiavellian trickery. But they are rather outlandish...so I'll probe no further as to how you manage not to get caught, lest I expose a net of untruth and spoil it all for myself. [nb]Like when I was four, and searched for proof that Father Christmas didn't exist and then found it, and had to spend the next few Christmases sorrowfully and resentfully pretending to believe in case my parents stopped giving me presents. [/nb]

I need this job too badly to mess about, but I am considering sending porn catalogues to some of the Jobsworths at work. There's a chap who always opens his post in a really smug way, looking left and right as though he's sure everyone is watching enviously. I'd love it if the whole office watched him tearing the envelope off Busty & Lusty, or One Woman One Donkey, or something similarly embarrassing.

Small Man Big Horse[nb]also a great porno name[/nb], I do love your story. As I said, I used to skive too in my teens, before I got my first ever utility bill and nearly fainted dead away from shock. I find that adding little details like the all-day-breakfast give a ring of truth to the story. Equally, adding too much detail can look a bit desperate, like you have something to prove. I did always find that 'women's troubles' could make a male manager squirm and not want to enquire too much further.

[tookish]

The fact that they have to train and hire new people every four weeks to replace the people who drop out before they even finish training says a lot, I think. Every time they bring out a new bunch of trainees I have to fight the urge to shout 'more meat for the grinder!' in a squeaky mockney accent.[nb]No, I don't know why.[/nb]

Those of you who live a life of freedom. How did you get the balls to do it? And how do you keep yourselves afloat?

[biggytitbo]

What do regard as a decent place to live? If I ever get a house with a big enough garden for an outhouse would you consider living with me rent free in return for keeping the place nice and clean and generally doing my bidding?

Do I have to live in the outhouse or would you let me in the house occasionally?

[biggytitbo]

I don't have a job as such, I just do whatever comes along, don't get benefits, holidays, health care or sick leave.  Live in an absolute ruin.  It's my ruin though and I don't have a boss.   

Do have mountains, eagles, free wine, silence, clean air, good friends, good food, empty roads, the wild outside[nb]Which is nice.[/nb]. :-)

No rent then? You must still have electricity/gas/council tax/water/phone and broadband, food, transport costs etc. What little jobs do you do to pay for all that, solve local crimes? It sounds fantastic and it's the sort of thing I'd love to do, but I don't get how it's financially viable.

[Sony Walkman Prophecies]

My money is on assassin, escort, or an independent financial ombudsman.

[mook]

Those of you who live a life of freedom. How did you get the balls to do it?

distrust and contempt for anyone whose paid to tell you what to do in the main part, and understanding early that money in itself isn't the objective. the downside of that kind of outlook on life probably makes you a difficult person to get along with, fuck it, you're only here once after all.

[Buelligan]

Daniel Suelo has a few ideas about this.

[mook]

Daniel Suelo has a few ideas about this.

well isn't he just living the dream. eating roadkill, wild onions and HANDOUTS.

[Default to the negative]

On one of those days when I had a hangover and didn't feel like going in, I phoned the manager and told him that I'd lost my key and was literally locked in the house. I said I'd keep looking for it and I'd be there as soon as possible. Then I went to bed and heard the phone ringing every so often, but just ignored it. When I went in the next day, he was really furious with me. He was slamming things around while he told me off.

[HappyTree]

A friend of mine in France got dumped by his girlfriend. To get out of his shifts at the comic shop where he worked he told them he had sunstroke and had to stay in bed.

Of course, some helpful Charlie from the shop phoned him up later to ask how he was and there was no response. The boss went round to his flat to knock on the door, still no reply. His parents were informed and they revealed he'd recently been dumped. Cue wild, worried imaginings of him doing away with himself. They left lots of answerphone messages saying they loved him and please get in touch.

The emergency services were called and the door broken down. No sign of him anywhere. His friends were called and there was talk of searching the surrounding wooded areas for his body.

I have no idea how upset he was about being dumped in reality, but what he'd actually done was pick up a German girl and go off with her to Germany for a few days for some rampant rumpy-pumpy. He came back to the furore and cooked up some story about going walkabout and needing time to himself, but it was nice to hear that people cared.

[Buelligan]

well isn't he just living the dream. eating roadkill, wild onions and HANDOUTS.

It's a choice though isn't it?  If mine were between the life he leads and living in some inner-city suburb-in-the-sky on benefits, I know which I'd choose without a shadow of a doubt.  Maybe it'd just be wild onions for me.. or honey and locusts (are they meat?).

[Default to the negative]

Another time I was late for work and my excuse was that on the walk down a seagull shat all over me and I had to go home and clean it off before turning up for work as the respectable person I am, therefore making me three hours late.

I'm always having "a hard time at home", and "private serious family stuff" is useful too. Actually making people feel that they have a moral obligation to let you off with your antics.

[mook]

It's a choice though isn't it?  If mine were between the life he leads and living in some inner-city suburb-in-the-sky on benefits, I know which I'd choose without a shadow of a doubt.  Maybe it'd just be wild onions for me.. or honey and locusts (are they meat?).

i don't give a monkeys what he eats, that isn't the point i was making. his lifestyle is, in part funded by the generosity of friends and strangers. he is being indulged. that isn't being "free" in my mind.

[Buelligan]

Yep, of course I see that.  I don't know enough about him to know what he thinks about that.  I do know though that there's an immensely long tradition of that kind of living in many cultures (which was why I referenced John the Baptist). 

[Shay Chaise]

It must be very liberating to disassociate oneself from any personal responsibility. One guy I used to know would happily enjoy the company of his friends, as well as their bank accounts, sofas, beds, book/CD/DVD collection, fridge contents and would happily steal whatever else he needed. He had Romany blood way back when and believed he was following in the footsteps of his Gypsy forefathers, a free man with his guitar and everlasting bag of cadged beers he was happy to share. In the meantime, he sought frequent advice on how to get back into the teaching profession, his real love and calling, but was unable to even fill out an application form by himself and had he ever managed it, he was too used to being pissed to ever be responsible for another human being. Essentially, he was less 'free' than 'free from the ability to choose'.

On an employment note: If you feel you are entitled or able to do something better than your current shit job, apply and find out if your self-perception is shared by others. Alternatively, find something you can live on and become self-employed. I did it for a few years, it was tough going, I had to cut back on a lot of shit for a good while but I've got some amazing memories, especially from when things clicked into place. Ultimately, it wasn't where I wanted to be so I did something else I'd long wanted to do. People shouldn't have to seethe for years, working for cunts. Fuck 'em, do something else.

[Danger Man]

I'm currently getting £30/hour to sit in an empty room reading this forum.

Of course, I'm getting paid to do something else but due to my insane skills I've managed to get myself into a position where the above sentence is true.

According to my CaB history, if I really were getting paid to read this forum I would have made £120,000 by now.

Makes you think.

[mook]

that's just about enough to buy a bedsit on the isle of sheppy.

[Default to the negative]

It must be very liberating to disassociate oneself from any personal responsibility.

As liberating as it is to stack shelves for the rest of your life. People always come at this with their "cheaters never prosper" platitudes but most habitual skivers don't really have anything to lose.

On an employment note: If you feel you are entitled or able to do something better than your current shit job, apply and find out if your self-perception is shared by others.

I doubt anyone would give me a better job but there's no reason why I, as someone who is me, should be grateful and happy for that fact.

[The Masked Unit]

Do I have to live in the outhouse or would you let me in the house occasionally?

Well you'd be allowed in the house to perform your chores, obviously. When I say outhouse I mean a nice little annexe/granny flat type of thing; you wouldn't be back to shitting in a bucket or anything like that. Meals would be included but you'd be cooking them, while you cook mine.

[mook]

would you really want to eat something titbo cooked? with his litany of bowel related maladies? i'm not suggesting he's typhoid mary, but... well!

[biggytitbo]

Well you'd be allowed in the house to perform your chores, obviously. When I say outhouse I mean a nice little annexe/granny flat type of thing; you wouldn't be back to shitting in a bucket or anything like that. Meals would be included but you'd be cooking them, while you cook mine.

It all sounds like its meant to be a bit sexy, or am I misreading the signals[nb]Not an adequate excuse in court[/nb]?

[Shay Chaise]

As liberating as it is to stack shelves for the rest of your life. People always come at this with their "cheaters never prosper" platitudes but most habitual skivers don't really have anything to lose.

I completely agree; perhaps my example wasn't clear.

I doubt anyone would give me a better job but there's no reason why I, as someone who is me, should be grateful and happy for that fact.

I certainly don't expect you to be grateful but the idea that you 'doubt anyone would give you a better job' seems rather self-fulfilling. Find something else you would like to do for which you could become qualified. Take the short-term hit and get the qualification and/or experience. Even if it doesn't work out immediately, you will have learned something new and what would you have you lost? Another year of something you wish you weren't doing? You might consider this naive or unrealistic but it's very doable if you actually wish to change your circumstances.

[tookish]

Muttering threads of song or strings of poetry to myself helps get me through the day, though I struggle not to repeat them to customers on the phone.

I spent the whole day with the phrase 'a boot stamping on a human face forever' rolling around in my head like the marbles I've undoubtedly lost.

'If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face — forever.'
~George Orwell.

Yesterday I comforted myself by muttering in a (very bad) impression of Patrick McGoohan's voice 'I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered' between calls. This because I was forced to read about twenty billion briefings about how to correctly log a repair job in the system, yawwwwwwwwwwn. I know that there is a point to the job I do, sort of, and I do sometimes actually get to help people, albeit in a really trivial way. But the office is so fucking stats-obsessed and I hate that my 100% positive feedback from customers is less important than whether I stuck to the sodding script. I think that talking to someone who acts like a corporate robot 'impacts negatively on the customer journey' far more than someone who is prepared to be a human being.

I do know how lucky I am to have a job. I do try not to hate it.