Desolation part II

[BlodwynPig]

Tom basks in the luxury of the disabled toilets.

Someone banging on the door - "you cannot use this toilet if you are able bodied, asshole"

"Shit...rumbled" he thinks.

Tom begins grunting and moaning like he imagines a disabled person might do. Loudly and wildly.

"Oh, are you alright in there?" comes the voice. A few minutes later the door is broken down and paramedics enter.

"Shit...rumbled" he thinks.

He fakes having a stroke. The paramedics rush him to the hospital.
....
"You aren't disabled are you, Mr... Mr. Thomas Hake?..and you most certainly haven't had a stroke" the doctor sneers after making a thorough examination.

"Shit...rumbled" he thinks.

"To tell you the truth, I've been severely depressed. I'm suffering from anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts" he lies.

"Oh, oh, sorry to hear that, I'll refer you to our hospital psychologist pronto" the doctor sympathises.
....
"Have you attempted suicide, Mr. Hake?" the psychologist probes.

"Yes, on occasion" Tom squirms.

"I don't believe you" comes the response.

"Shit...rumbled" Tom sighs.
....

He's on the ledge now, the psychologist urging him back inside. "Don't be a fool, Tom!".

He's plunging to the ground now. He hears voices below. A news reporter hurriedly recounting the strange story of Tom Hake, liar, fraud, disabled toilet shitter.

"Shit...rumb....

[Vodka Margarine]

Andy McNab gets dewy eyed over the glory days of 2003 during a Stereophonics binge. 

[Glebe]

It's 2007, and Paul Thomas Anderson is nervous at the premiere of There Will Be Blood. But everything seems to going swimmingly, until the name comes, revealing that the guys who do the title credits have accidentally renamed it Oily Ollie.

[Bazooka]

Malcolm's brother has saved a whole £345 in a Kinder Egg capsule to take Malcolm to the Dianna Princess of Wales memorial light show. Instead he uses the money to go and see a Busted tribute band at the village hall. The band cancels after poor ticket sales.

[BlodwynPig]

Tonight on the Alibi channel:

"Philip Schofield dead in a nappy, the corpse of a feral cat by the sandpit, a bloody Hamble replica with the face of Morgan Freeman sellotaped onto playdoh genitals...the true story behind Mystery at Tumble Teds Nursery"

[BlodwynPig]

Malcolm's brother has saved a whole £345 in a Kinder Egg capsule to take Malcolm to the Dianna Princess of Wales memorial light show. Instead he uses the money to go and see a Busted tribute band at the village hall. The band cancels after poor ticket sales.

A woman with learning difficulties started chatting to me in M&S yesterday. "Tina Turner tickets...not the real Tina Turner, a chinese Tina Turner tribute"...."Queued up from 6am for Daniel O'Donnell tickets. Bacon sandwiches provided at 9. They were great days. Dad used to put me in a taxi and when it pulled up there would be a cheer as I got out. We used to bring deck chairs an' all"

[Dannyhood91]

A kindly old woman with twinkling eyes explaining to a little boy the most painful way to kill a paedophile.

[Dannyhood91]

A sextoy is cluelessly nicknamed 'Vibration Whitefinger'.

[Fishfinger]

3:30am in Swansea burns unit, and a gauze-wrapped junkie pops his blisters like so much greasy bubble wrap.

[BlodwynPig]

A sextoy is cluelessly nicknamed 'Rolf's Wetfinger'.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Uncle Susan - a nonce-mistaken simpleton - is lured into a copse with pastry and set alight by a baker's dozen of Kappa-clad radgies.

[Captain Poodle Basher]

A real one from yesterday.

It's raining, it's windy and it's bloody cold. A shambling wreck of a man, wearing mismatched trainers and carrying a four-pack of cheap lager is investigating a discarded golf umbrella to see if it can be still used. He turns it this way and that as it flutters uselessly before gently depositing it back on the pavement. He then cracks open a can and stands there watching people get on a bus on the other side of the road.

[Bazooka]

Sam Fishlips splits his trousers right down the groin as he walks up to the stage to receive his award for best sausage at the amateur meat awards ceremony.

[Glebe]

Suzanne's wife locks the cat in the bread bin.

[Twit 2]

Relive the nightmare of my cummy cock, bellows Clive, as his slapped-awake wife realises she's in for another bout.

[Mr Eggs]

Michael van Gerwen has become only the second player in history to throw two nine-dart finishes in one match.The Dutchman achieved the perfect leg twice as he beat Ryan Murray 6-2 in a UK Open Qualifier third round in Wigan.

In WIGAN

In fucking Wigan.

[Shoulders?-Stomach!]

Steve Backley throws a javelin at an insolent paper boy.

[BlodwynPig]

Steve Backley realises his time was too soon. British sportspeople became heroes, legends, gods in the years after his retirement. Dancing on Ice, Strictly Come Dancing, The Jump, BBC Breakfast...all this could and should have been his. Not just a screeching Coleman.

He doesn't mind, he still has his boyish looks, his hush puppies and his regular taiwanese rent boy.

[pancreas]

To make ends meet, Steve Backley goes round Hyde Park skewering rubbish with the end of his javelin. But no-one asked him to, so he doesn't get paid.

[Spoon of Ploff]

Sue is pleasantly distracted by the joyful sounds of children playing as the snow flurries around them... right into the path of the No 52 to Harrow & Wealdstone.

[Spoon of Ploff]

To make ends meet, Steve Backley goes round Hyde Park skewering rubbish with the end of his javelin. But no-one asked him to, so he doesn't get paid.

Oooh this reminds me of parking spaces man at Stafford Sainsburys. He used to wander around directing cars to empty bays. Seemed to get some degree of satisfaction out of it. Always had a smile on his crinkly old face. It's one of my fears that in time I will end up just like him.

[Glebe]

It was going to be a lovely day out... Mr. Phillips wasn't always the most even-tempered of teachers, but he was good at heart, and the class had never visited a farm. Such a shame that the day should end with a blood-covered scythe and five decapitated kids. It's manslaughter charges for you, Mr. Phillips.

[Nice Relaxing Poo]

A violent spouse breaks his wife's nose with a ferociously thrown frozen Rustlers burger.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

The production line that shits out awful pop music, keeps on shitting out awful pop music.
- It will never, ever stop.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Mr Magoo 'falls' onto a boy.

[Stoneage Dinosaurs]

Matt Lucas has fallen on hard times

[Glebe]

Anthony and Adele held hands and stared out across the Lake District. The sun was setting, and both their hearts skipped a beat as a flock of wild geese suddenly fluttered into the hazy evening air. Then it came, like a wave bursting on a lonely shore.

"I love you, Adele... my dear, sweet Adele."

Breathless, she turned slowly to face him. They stared deep into each other's eyes for what seemed like an eternity... then their faces moved closer together, each set of lips trembling in...

Suddenly, there was the sound of a car on the road below. A head popped out the passenger's side. It was Mark who worked in the grocer's.

"Alright, Adele?" Mark shouted. "Great shag last week! Y'dirty slut!"

[Tikwid]

A lifelong dream explodes into a billion tiny fragments of regrets and what-could've-beens on an industrial estate just outside Solihull.

Maarten accidentally snots a bottlesworth of cerebrospinal fluid out of his nose and renders himself brain dead during a particularly awkward and challenging round of Upside-Down Twister. Nice one, you twat! Now your bespoke £300,000 antigrav boots are USELESS!!!

The twitcher and the anorak, both the seventh sons of seventh sons, meet upon the last field before the great border of the north, on the last day of summer, and their bizarre attempt at dogging soon devolves into a mindless and ugly trivia battle.

The title of one of Matt Berry's shows becomes reality when he accidentally falls into an industrial incinerator in Bermondsey and gets heated to 200 degrees celcius in a matter of seconds.

[BlodwynPig]

He counts all the pebbles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qx2gEpL3Pmo

hour after hour, day after day...

all the pebbles in the dim light.

[Berthas Fat Leg]

Julie hoists another clump of bloodied hair from the plughole. It's not all cupcakes and rainbows.