People crying about your problems

[tookish]

What do you do when someone's more upset about your life than you are? I had to tell someone close to me I have to use a wheelchair sometimes. This has been the case for several years but I generally just load up on painkillers before I see her and suffer it out. Anyway, that's no longer possible, so I bit the bullet. She cried for about twenty minutes and talked about all the things I won't be able to do any more, even referring to my dead uncle and how he wanted to die because of his chair.

I'm kind of pissed off and don't really know how to handle it.

[tookish]

Next phase: telling my mum, who I imagine will shout at the issue.

[Shaxberd]

Fucking hell, that's not on. It's a mobility aid, it's not like you've been told you're terminally ill. And even if you were, someone having a twenty minute tizzy about it isn't helpful.


Best thing is have a talk to her about it when you're feeling ready to handle it. Let her know how that reaction made you feel. Also, ask her why she reacted so strongly - did the word 'wheelchair' bring back terrible memories of how ill and depressed her uncle was? Can she acknowledge that you aren't the same?


Alternatively, just run over her feet next time you see her and go "oops" in as deadpan a tone as possible. Continue until she gets over herself or also needs a chair.

[Zero Gravitas]

Sounds nice in a way, not the shouting bit, but the passionate concern bit.

[Blinder Data]

this must have been infuriating. unfortunately, because you're fond of them and they're crying, it makes it difficult to show any anger or displeasure in response.

i know someone a bit like this. in my case, i think it might be that they think that their crying means that you or anybody else doesn't have to i.e. they are "saving" you from the negative emotion. unfortunately it's an essentially selfish act that prevents others from displaying emotions.

what they have said is incredibly insensitive. if you want to let them know that what they said hurt you, i would suggest informing them in a way that they cannot hit back with their own emotion. written communication - email or letter - would be best.

[Fonz]

Just tell them. No need to dress it up. Treat them like an adult and maypole get the same in return.

[Fonz]

Maybe. Not Maypole. That's something else.

[Butchers Blind]

Tell them to shut the fuck up.

[TrenterPercenter]

Sound frustrating for sure tooks. 

It's all about intent for me these things.  Is this person doing this because they want you to feel worse about things? or are they someone that has unfortunately made you feel worse about things because they struggle with their emotions and being tactful with their words i.e. communication (the latter of course is sometimes related to aspects of neurodiversity).

If it's a) I always want to clarify that this person actually hates me enough to want to spend the energy and time to upset me so I'll tend to try and get that clear from them so I can stay out of their way and we can both stop wasting time, if it's b) I want to try be patient with them and understand that communication especially around difficult/emotive things can be tricky for some people.

Sounds to me like the latter, some people just blurt out their mind contents when they get flustered as a reaction anxiety and not "knowing what to say".

[checkoutgirl]

What do you do when someone's more upset about your life than you are?

Cringe yourself inside out and feel like a massive failure? It's the only sane response.

[checkoutgirl]

I'm kind of pissed off and don't really know how to handle it.

Inappropriate to carry on like that even if well intentioned. Correct to be pissed off.

[BlodwynPig]

"wheelchairs are sexy"

[Buelligan]

People aren't always fine.  That's probably the takeaway.  If a person's feeling particularly delicate or maybe, stressed.  If they're particularly triggered by a particular thing, if, inside, they're so full of emotion, they're just about managing to hold it all together, chances are they might cry or let out that big lump of feeling some other way.  I've seen strong men cry in that bit where ET's finger falls off.  Great bears of men weeping for Bambi's mother.  Imagine what they'd do confronted with, what they might see as, someone elses real life heartbreak.

My grandfather always said, don't despise the young man who blushes, fear the young man who turns pale.  It could be applied to cryers, 't would have been worse if they'd patted you on the head and started telling you about the pain in their back or whatever.

[shoulders]

Fucking hell, that's not on.

Jesus, I didn't realise it was so offensive to over-empathize. Weird nation.

[Blinder Data]

Jesus, I didn't realise it was so offensive to over-empathize. Weird nation.

the friend isn't over empathising though. tookish seems to have made peace with the new arrangements to an extent. the friend is catastrophising and being insensitively pessimistic about what the future holds.

[shoulders]

Hmm, seems like they're listening and feeling sorry for someone. There's a point where the reaction may feel strange, I get that, but jesus that's a lot more than most people get.

[Mobius]

Personally I would milk the situation

[oggyraiding]

When I saw my family over summer they saw I had loads of freshish self harm cuts/burns and my dad and brother both physically cried and said "did you even consider how doing that would make us feel?" Which to be honest I didn't consider at all. I found it weird they were so bothered tbh.

[PlanktonSideburns]

Your mate is being a fucking TWAT in this instance, I'm sure they are OK in other ways mind, but deserve a large bollocking here

[Shaxberd]

Jesus, I didn't realise it was so offensive to over-empathize. Weird nation.

The offensive bit is assuming that someone's life is over because they use a wheelchair sometimes.

And call me an emotionally stunted English wanker but I don't like people responding to my problems by crying their eyes out. If you're upset by someone you care about having troubles, get support from a third party, don't dump it on the person whose troubles they are.

[Zetetic]

Which to be honest I didn't consider at all. I found it weird they were so bothered tbh.

On the flipside, once they're scars:

Spoiler alert

Some people really do not like it when you won't turn your cutting into a delightfully fatuous story about overcoming a difficult period of your life.

"It felt good and restored some semblance of control so I kept doing it until I was hurting enough other people so much that it didn't really seem viable to continue" isn't good enough.

Surprisingly upsetting to be told that "your scars aren't ugly" as a way of saying "but the way you relate to your body and history is".

[close]

I hope both that the acts bring some relief, and that you can take from your brother and father's reactions that they really do care about you, whatever the implications of that.