Oh I'm Sorry, This Is Abuse

[shit as fuck]

Doesn't Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lie around in a tub while other men pee on him. Can't you just picture his fat, corpulent body lying in a tub while Reagan, Quayle, and Bush stand all around peeing on him. 'Ooh, I can't get hard. Ronnie, pee in my mouth'. He still can't get hard, so Barbara Bush comes in. She takes off her pearls, stuffs them up his ass, and undoes her girdle. Her wrinkled, flaccid labia unfurl half way to her knees, like some ball-less scrotum. Barbara walks over, squats over his face, and squeezes out a link into his mouth. Finally, his tiny dick gets half-way hard. 'Oooh!' A little bubble forms on the end of his dick, with a little maggot inside. The maggot pops the bubble, and goes off to join a pro-life group somewhere. Rush Limbaugh is a scat muncher, don't ya'll see that?

A hideous mental image, but deserved credit for the ball-less scrotum concept.  I've not looked at a labia in the same way since.

[alan strang]

Could someone do nice a transcript of that Absolutely sketch where Jack Docherty insults several people in turn? I don't have the tape to hand and wouldn't do it justice by misquoting from memory.

Except for:

DOCHERTY:
(To two women cooing over a "beautiful" baby) No, he isn't actually, he looks like every other baby in the world - an ugly little pink bag of shit...

[Bernard]

Anyone know if there were any complaints over Morris's use of coca shunter?

[DJ One Record]

BLOKE: "I mean what a totally pricked up little arse-cunting PONCE! With a PLASTIC ARSEHOLE with a FUCKING DUCK STICKING OUT!"

BERNARD: "Listen, when you do that usual threesome thing that do of a weekend and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing? Right, this is you, okay: TRALALALALALALALAAAA! (pause) Millwall! That's the one! Uh, do you know this chant: "Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful and all your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated...'"

CHOBB: "Push off my wire."

And continuing the theme of films, a favourite from Se7en:

MILLS: You're no Messiah, you're a, you're movie of the week. You're a fuckin' T-shirt.

[Dirty Boy]

You should have been a blowjob!

:-D

All this talk of Bill Hicks has reminded me of the show where he goes of at the "drunk cunt" who keeps heckling him...

TAKE HER FUCKIN' OUT! GO SEE FUCKIN MADONNA YOU IDIOT PEICE OF SHIT! YOU SUCK YOU SUCK! I CAN YELL AT THE COMEDIAN 'COS I'M A DRUNK BITCH! THAT GIVES ME CARTE BLANCHE!
I GOT A CUNT AND I'M DRUUUUNK I CAN DO ANYTHING I WAAAAAAANT!
I DON'T HAVE A COCK I CAN YELL AT PERFORMERS COS I'M A FUCKIN' IDIOT

...etc most of you have heard it.If you haven't it's to be found here toward the bottom.Shame you can't hear the full show anymore, he goes even crazier at some points...

HITLER HAD THE RIGHT IDEA! HE WAS JUST AN UNDERACHIEVER!!!
KILL 'EM ALL ADOLF MEXICANS, JEWS, WHITES START OVER THE EXPERIMENT DIDN'T WORK! WASH THESE TURDS OFF MY FUCKIN' LIFE!!! I PRAY TO YOU GOD JUST KILL THESE FUCKING PEOPLE!!!

If we're talking sheer hatred and abuse that show is hard to beat.

[slim]

Shame you can't hear the full show anymore, he goes even crazier at some points...

There is a bootleg of the whole thing out there. He really does lose it in that performance. Mind you, he did face quite a lot of heckling.

[Beagle 2]

Oh yeah that's excellent, I had that on my old 'puter. When he goes, "fuck it I'm leaving. NO SCREW THAT I'M GONNA STAY...." or something and loses it agin, brilliant. I got the whole thing off soulseek, I think it's pretty common.

[Bernard]

BLOKE: "I mean what a totally pricked up little arse-cunting PONCE! With a PLASTIC ARSEHOLE with a FUCKING DUCK STICKING OUT!"

BERNARD: "Listen, when you do that usual threesome thing that do of a weekend and the moonlight's bouncing off your heads and your arses and everything, does that not get a bit confusing? Right, this is you, okay: TRALALALALALALALAAAA! (pause) Millwall! That's the one! Uh, do you know this chant: "Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful and all your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated...'"

CHOBB: "Push off my wire."

And continuing the theme of films, a favourite from Se7en:

MILLS: You're no Messiah, you're a, you're movie of the week. You're a fuckin' T-shirt.

Are you talking about me?

[Squidy]

From Pigs Can Fly by Barry Cryer:

One of the wittiest things I ever heard in real life - and I was there, this is not apocryphal - was said to David Frost by Ronnie Corbett. David Frost was instrumental in Ronnie Corbett making it in television, because it was David who wanted Ronnie in The Frost Report, in which he appeared with Ronnie Barker and John Cleese, and after which he went from strength to strength. I was with Ronnie and David one day and David Frost said, 'Ooh, Ronnie, I'm doing a charity on the 17th, would you do a bit for me?' and Ronnie said, 'No, I can't, David, I'm sorry.' So Frost said, 'I know you, you're playing golf!' but Ronnie said, 'No, no, no. I'll be at home. It's my only day off in that period and I can't do it , David, sorry.' And then Frosty tried emotional blackmail. He said, 'I haven't exactly been a hindrance to your career, Ronnie, have I?' and Ronnie Corbett said, 'You certainly haven't, David, you've elevated me to a position from which I'm now speaking to you.'

[DJ One Record]

Are you talking about me?

In what sense?

[burpmitosis]

Can we forgo the Goodfellas style face off and start this awesome thread up again?

I know this isn't a single insult, per se, but it is classic Fry nonetheless.

Ladies and gentlemen, bear with me. Bear with me please. Don't stop bearing with me for a few moments. I have a vision, a vision of Britain. I see   a country peopled by ... a country peopled by people who, who ... people it with charm, with grace, yes even with greatness. As they people it,    they enhance it with their lightness, their amusing accents, their v-neck sweaters and their unusual   children. This country shall be free and wide and pretty, and their people shall be free and wide and pretty. And there shall be villages and towns and family amusement theme heritage fun parks which shall smell of urine and vomit. And there shall be twelve water and sewage businesses and leisure      dromes and huge edge-of-town crematoriums and day-glo bermuda shorts which are flecked with urine and vomit. I see "Impact" as a new kind of flexible high-yield convenient cash and care card for the kind of person you are today and I hear the sound of many thousands of miles of motorways, conveniently filled with many hundreds of thousands of cars whose seats are stained with children and urine and vomit. And the interior of the cars shall be sweaty and hot and bad-tempered and the queue for the exit that leads to the family amusement heritage theme fun park shall be hundreds of miles long. And there shall be shiny magazines out of which will fall many dozens of smaller shiny magazines which shall offer useful electronic golfing equipment and wall safes disguised as three pin sockets and bright security lamps and personal attack alarms and hand freshen-up absorbent pads to soak up the urine and the vomit. And the faces of the people who are peopling this Britain shall be shiny and they shall be flushed and pink for they shall know that they are forging a new Britain of fun and heritage and family leisure amusement and the boot of their car shall easily accomodate the self-assembly fun park that they shall erect in their bathrooms. As yet, it is all only a vision, a vision of family heritage urine and fun leisure amenity vomit. But soon, soon, with luck, sincerity and steadfast voting it may become a reality.

[mayer]

Lois: Stewie, doesn't your sister look nice with her new look?

Stewie: Well, let me put like this...somewhere in an attic there's a picture of you getting prettier

[JesusAndYourBush]

From: "George" <asdf@asdf.com>
Date: Tue, 13 Aug 2002 23:16:53 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.binaries.howard-stern
Subject: Shemp - Please read

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic?
You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't pour
piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore
that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate,
noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise
everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid
chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond
scum and I wish you would go away.

You're a putrescence mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm
deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a
weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion,
a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly
with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world.
An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the
puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in
recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as
you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of
you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile,
worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this
earth. And did I mention you smell?

If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try
to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us
with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be
available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its
beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly
briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your
ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own
trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty
and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus.
Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are
unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that
reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements
of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you
hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more
weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle,
waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease,
you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient
in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are
dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all
unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid.
Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the
stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that
even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect
can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid.
You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year.
Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can
really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the
original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated
by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm
sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you
may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to
deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant
trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away
most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your
attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really,
stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly
effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write,
spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary
skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an
easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged"
persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known,
that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just
wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish
you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be
placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly,
deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent,
opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted,
racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic,
insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine,
conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, s*****c,
ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive,
double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic,
fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased,
suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy,
weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic,
jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive,
poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile,
clueless, and generally Not Good.!

P.P.S.: That means you can go fly a kite and take a long walk off a short
pier.

And while we are at it,

You're one brick shy of a load, you aren't operating with a full deck,
you're out to sea without a rudder or a sail, you're dimwitted, you're not
the sharpest tool in the shed, nor are you the sharpest knife in the drawer,
and you're not the brightest bulb in the box. You don't have both oars in
the water. You are a couple sandwiches shy of a picnic, a few beers short of
a six pack, and a few beans short of a burrito. You have few too many lights
out on your Christmas tree. You have had a few too many tackles without a
helmet. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. It's hard to believe
you beat 100,000 other sperm. Your elevator doesn't go all the way to the
top floor and you're one fry short of a Happy Meal. You are playing a guitar
with no strings. The gates are down, and the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming, and you are a crazy ignoramus who has absolutely no
respect for anyone. Get a life!

[burpmitosis]

You see it's a slippery slope.  It starts by reading the Daily Mail. Within a few weeks that's it.  You're a witless, heartless lump of shit.

[Jemble Fred]

RIMMER: You are a total, total... A word has yet to be invented for whatever it is you are. But you are one, and a total TOTAL one, at that!

I bet that's: A) Misquoted, and B) already been mentioned on this thread. But the Comedy Chat stasis was making me uneasy.

[Orias]

Check out this link for Triumph The Insult Comic Dog taking on Star Wars geeks waiting in line for Attack Of The Clones

http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/2536/

Favourite line (to adult nerd dressed in full Darth Vader garb)
"This is the chest box to help you breathe, yes?  And which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up."

To an overweight nerd with lightsaber.
"You look like some super nerd!  It looks like you were built in a laboratory from parts from lesser nerds!"

[Detective John Kimble]

Glengarry Glen Ross.  

Alec Baldwin:

Blake:  Put that coffee down!  Coffee's for closers only.
Levene:  ...huh?
Blake:  You think i'm fucking with you?  I am not fucking with you.  Your name's Levene?
Levene:  er...yeah.
Blake:  You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?

Moss:  What's your name?
Blake:  Fuck you, that's my name!  And you know why?  Because you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, and I drove an $80,000 dollar BMW - THAT'S my name.

Blake:  You see this watch?  That watch cost more than your car.  That's what I am, and you're nothing.  Nice guy?   I don't give a shit.  Family man?  Fuck you, go home and play with your kids!  

Blake (to Aaronow):  You think this is abuse?...you think this is abuse, you cocksucker?  If you can't take the abuse here, how can you take the abuse you get on the sits?  If you don't like it, leave.  

Blake (to Moss):  I came down here tonight because Mitch and Murray asked me to give you some advice.  I said to them that if you want some advice, take my advice and fire your fucking ass, because a loser is a loser.

Another one of my favourites is Frank Hackett's rant about Howard Beale in Network.

"I'm gonna kill him!  I'll hire professional killers!...no, i'll do it myself!  I'll strangle him with a sash-chord!"

Duvall's delivery is PERFECT.

[Danorak]

BRIAN:  Should I lose the waistcoat?
TIM: I think you should burn it, 'cos if you lose it you might find it again.

[Utter Shit]

I've always liked the line Rodney used in OFAH, with regards to Del's tyrannic new girlfriend...

"Why don't you bike it you old bag,"

The delivery is class.

[Jemble Fred]

Porridge: Prisoner & Escort

FLETCH: (To McKay) Would I dare, Mister McKay? You'd wait until the train got up some speed, and throw me out the window just outside Hemel Hempstead.

BARRACLOUGH: Ah, now, Fletcher, that's very unfair...

FLETCH: Perhaps you're right. He couldn't spell Hemel Hempstead, he'd wait till we got to Rugby.

[Mister Cairo]

The army  dialogue is from Full Metal Jacket I think. (1st half when they are in training)

The rant when Chris Morris interviews the jam-baking lady on the Day to Day is class

"That's a pathetic amount of money... you could make more money auctioning dogs!", "You could make more money sitting outside a tube station with your hat on the ground, even if you were twice as ugly as you are, which is VERY UGLY INDEED!"

[Robin]

There's a line in the new statesmen from Alan B'Stard that i can't remember fully. It  mentions something about  somebodies breath smelling like a mamouth thats been under the tundra for 10 000 years (or something like that). It finishes with

"Now when you go home and say that you've never been so insulted in all your life you'll be telling the truth."

[Maxloss]

"....like some vast slug"

it's all in the way he says vast

[Frinky]

BERNARD: He looks like a horse in a man costume.

Damn, I was hoping to go first with this.

Bernard: (to Manny) You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Manny: Yeah well what sort of world is it that you can't go away and leave the front door open without getting robbed?
Bernard: It's this sort of world, Gandalf!

Manny: Yeah well it's better than staying in and getting mashed every night, with no company except the dead bees on the windowsill.
Bernard: I like the dead bees on the windowsill! At least they don't go out and leave the front door open and get us robbed! Don't get judgy with me, Ming the Merciless.

Manny: It's not my fault you're hungover.
Bernard: It is your fault. If you were a normal person there wouldn't be so much to blot out.

And, out of context...

"Barely humanoid, milk-fed gimp."

[The Fanciful Norwegian]

I'm fond of the Space Ghost where he tries to provoke the evil omnipresent blob into killing the evil omnipresent pods:

SPACE GHOST: Hey, uh, blob. You, uh, heard all the stuff the pods have been saying about your mother? (laughs) People are laughin', man. So, uh, you wanna come in here? And kill the pods? 'Cause of what they said? About your mother?

(NOISES FROM BLOB)

SPACE GHOST: I'm sorry. I had no idea. (beat) What's that, pods? The blob is very fat?!